


Novocaine

by Dreamer_88



Category: Shefani
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drug Addiction, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:56:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 152,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26883259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamer_88/pseuds/Dreamer_88
Summary: After years of searching, he finds novocaine to be a person, instead of a drug.
Relationships: Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani
Comments: 397
Kudos: 391





	1. A Heart on the Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start this story off without giving too much away. All I'll say is pay attention to the tags, and please have faith in me; anything that might seem broken or impossible at some point, will never ever stay that way. Thank you as always, for embarking on another journey with me!

* * *

“I’m so sore, it’s literally ridiculous.” She complains with a smirk, her hands on her hips only emphasizing the playfulness. She moans a little when she drops down onto the left side of the mattress, her face inches away from his. She hasn’t been getting any sleep at all last night and it was all because of the handsome stranger next to her. “You’ve done a number on me, for real.”

There’s a slight noise when she stretches, and she catches him looking at her with a darkness in his eyes that she knows is just for her.

“You look absolutely stunning right now.” He says simply, tracing his hand over her naked shoulder, down her collarbone.

She can tell he’s tracing the marks he left on her porcelain skin last night. The gentle bite marks and hickeys he put on her are a nice reminder of what they’ve done and won’t ever do again.

“You’re getting turned on by your own handiwork?” She teases.

He grunts before manhandling her on top of him again. She giggles when his arms wrap around her back tightly and keep her firmly in place. He looks up at her with his crazy intense blue eyes and she feels herself preparing for another round.

“You don’t even know the half of it.” He responds softly, the tone of his voice so intense it apparently shocks them both into silence for a few seconds.

“I have to go to the studio soon…” She reminds him, though she’s already using her hands to rid him of the shirt clinging to his torso.

“I know, work is always calling.” He says as he nibbles at the skin on her shoulder. She lets out a huge sigh, unsure about how it’s possible for one human being to make her feel _this_ good. She’s used to fast lovers—the ones who care about themselves and have this unjustified confidence that has them assuming she got off too—she’s never experienced the slow and direct attention as the one she gets from this man. “Wish you weren’t so busy but I get it.”

She chuckles. “You’ve only known me for one night and you’re already unhappy with my work schedule.”

The line between their flirtatious banter gets momentarily interrupted with a more serious observation. His hand smoothing down her naked back and gripping her ass quickly dissolves that blurred line though.

“To be fair, I’m only getting one night and one morning with you so I just want to make it count.”

She tugs at his shirt once more, getting him to release her long enough to pull the piece of fabric over his head.

He’s lean, but not ripped like her ex. He’s clean-shaven, but not as smooth as her last lover. She likes the way he doesn’t seem to be aware of his own attractiveness and doesn’t necessarily seem to like being naked, but absolutely loves seeing her without clothes. To be fair, most of their time together has been spent with no clothes. She likes to keep it that way.

“Lift.” He demands softly, tapping at her hips.

It’s another thing she likes about this man. He’s incredibly confident about what he likes and wants, and in return is super attentive to her needs as well.

She backs her hips off him enough for him to position himself to her entrance, his teeth biting down on his lip in focus as he guides himself into her again.

“Shit.” She hisses, sinking down on him slowly.

His arms wrap around her again until there’s not an inch of space between them. She exhales into the crook of his neck, the position almost too intimate for what they’re doing, considering they’re in his hotel room and she still doesn’t know what he does for a living.

“You’re so damn sexy.” He lets her know lowly, grinding his hips up into her.

She grabs onto his shoulders, trying not to dissolve under the pleasure he provides her right away.

She cries out when he hits an extra sensitive spot inside her, her heart hammering so fast and hard it’s difficult to catch her breath. She kisses up the expanse of his throat, moaning loudly when he catches her lips in a deep and slow kiss.

“Feel good?” He asks, speaking right into her ear. His voice is still carrying the same low, smoky tone and she can feel the goosebumps riddling her back and chest.

She drops her head to his shoulder once more, feeling him pick up speed the minute he notices her completely relaxing against him.

“Oh my God, Blake.” She whispers, biting her lip so hard she’s positive she’s drawn blood, the coppery taste in her mouth confirming her suspicions.

“I like it when you say my name like that.” He murmurs, tightening his hold on her, basically keeping her in place.

“ _Blake_.”

He hums. “I got you.”

Perhaps she shouldn’t trust a complete stranger when he says that, but nothing about Blake is normal or ordinary and so her usual rules don’t apply to this situation. That includes her standard doubts and fears. She’s never had a one night stand in her life, and she probably never would again solely because of the incredibly high standard Blake has set for her now.

Her hips try to move underneath his strong hold, responding to his touch. He chuckles lightly at her desperation, but doesn’t let up. The whole time she’s dying in his arms and he just whispers gentle and soft encouragements into her ear. She doesn’t know how anyone can experience this feeling and then walk away from it.

“Baby, fuck…” She moans, kissing his neck, the only motion she can freely do without the restrictions of his arms.

“Let me hear you.” He gently prods, one of his arms letting go of her as his hand cups her cheek. He lifts her face just a little, but enough to stop her from kissing on him. His thumb strokes her lower lip. “If this is all I’m getting with you, I want to remember the way you sound when you come.”

She nearly combusts at that, her body starting to shake around him. He holds her so impossibly close, with anybody else she’d probably feel suffocated, but not with him.

“I’m so close.”

“Show me. Come for me.”

It’s embarrassing how much his voice affects her body, the sounds she’s producing making her blush.

The soft groans escaping his own lips make her _that_ much more motivated to get him to fall off the edge with her. Her hand cups his cheek when she feels the tremors starting to overtake her being, knowing what he needs and insisting on giving him exactly that.

She makes direct eye contact when her body tenses, looking down at him as her jaw goes slack.

He grunts and moans, rocking into her fervently until she cries out and in one long exhale lets go. She thinks she might be yelling his name but she’s not sure—all she can feel is pleasure and all she can see is white behind her eyelids.

She’s glad they had the safety conversation last night when she feels him let go too, spilling inside her hotly.

“ _Jesus_.” He murmurs, a soft chuckle escaping her as she lets her forehead lean against his. Her lips are so close to his mouth and though she really wants to kiss him again, she thinks it might be too intimate.

He doesn’t seem to have the same problem though, as he lightly brushes their lips together as they come down. He chuckles softly when she moans, darting his tongue out and swiping it across her parted lips.

“Everything with you is so….” She shakes her head, letting her voice trail off.

He kisses her again.

“Say it.”

“So erotic.”

He uses his index finger to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Is that a bad thing?”

She shakes her head, feeling the words leave her as she’s staring so deeply into his eyes, his softening erection still deep inside her.

“Just an observation.” She whispers.

The thing is, sex hadn’t been unfamiliar to her at all, but intimacy might be the one thing she always missed. She’s one hundredth percent convinced this type of eroticism can only exist with intimacy of the highest level.

“I’m gonna miss this, Gwen Stefani.”

The usage of her full name left her smiling down at him, somehow he managed to say the most honest things in a way that didn’t immediately make her want to run for the hills.

If things in her life were different, she might’ve let her persuade herself into doing this again. But she’s going through intense family issues, while maintaining an incredibly demanding career and a divorce that has just been finalized. If there was ever a time for her _not_ to do this, it would be now.

Blake had made it clear when he met her last night that he wasn’t looking for anything serious either. He didn’t want to talk about work, or even really reveal any personal information about himself other than his first name, but it worked for her. That type of anonymity is exactly what she was looking for.

“You better not forget this moment.” She says.

He cups her cheek, his eyes darting down to her lips but he refrains himself from kissing them again.

“I won’t.” He says softly, his finger stroking chin. “I expect to hear at least one song about this chance meeting.”

She chuckles. “I have so much darkness to sort out first, I think you might be waiting a while before I can start writing anything happy.”

He smiles softly. “At least you consider this something happy. I can be a very patient man.”

She bites her lip.

“I’ve noticed.”

Flashes of last night overwhelm her brain; the slowness in which he took her, the attentiveness in which he brought her pleasure, the lack of rushing throughout the whole encounter.

“Good.”

“Kiss me again?” She asks sweetly, bordering on innocent. “Good idea?”

“Look at that…” He grins. “She’s not only pretty, she’s smart too.”

He kisses her so slowly, so sweetly, it gets her mind off the inevitable goodbye that’ll follow soon.

* * *

When he showed up at her door at two in the morning –for the fifth time—she knew it would be the night she’d give up on him. It had been dark for hours and she had almost let herself be swallowed up by it had it not been for the ringing of her doorbell. She would’ve turned on her side and ignored it if she didn’t have an inkling about who it could be and _why_.

Anger had coursed through her veins when her brother stood there; red-eyed, broken and filthy. He looked as if he hadn’t taken a shower in days and came running to her after losing a bar fight. She hadn’t asked him about his actual whereabouts that night, but she figured she hadn’t been too far off.

He had smelled of booze and drugs, as much as she could identify the latter. She had always chosen the path of the straight and narrow, so the things Todd brought home were often foreign and scary to her. Those feelings only intensified when she saw the effect those drugs had on her brother’s life. His body.

This was no longer the man she’d grown up with. This was no longer the guy who would show up for her and had her back.

This was a man who she had to save. This was someone who chose drugs and alcohol over her and everyone else in his life.

She had been so angry when he showed up at her house that night, obviously high and regretful. But it hadn’t been the type of anger that made her want to throw things, or slap someone. It was the type of anger that made her give up. It was the feeling of despair and hopelessness that consumed her so greatly; she knew she was done with the games, done with letting him in and letting him crash on her couch every night he got messed up and couldn’t face his wife and kids.

She had driven him straight to rehab; no conversation, no apologies exchanged. Even her brother, with his gaping heart and whims and moods, had not tried to stop her.

Seeing him walk inside with his shoulder hung and his head low, brought instant tears to her eyes. No, this was no longer the man she had grown up with but it also wasn’t a man she could save. She learned that finally.

She had needed some time to herself afterwards. She turned off her phone, sent out one general email to everyone in her team and went off the grit. She dedicated a full week to taking long drives, checking into hotels, and indulging in her one and only one-night-stand.

 _That_ man had made her feel alive and hopeful. That man had saved _her_ from a night that would otherwise be filled with loneliness and an empty hotel room.

She didn’t know how this man wasn’t aware of who she was as a person, or the turbulence in her life that was displayed in the media. Being famous while also having an addict brother was not something she recommended to anyone. It was hard to keep anything private and when she did, she was often made out to be the disconnected, zoned-out diva.

But her one-night-stand didn’t want to talk business and she was more than okay with that. They only exchanged names, but no numbers, bodies but no hearts.

He took her mind off her brother and all the ways he had shown up at her home. He took her mind off the increasing smell of alcohol on Todd’s breath and violent tantrums that had often resulted in her having to buy new furniture. She was never afraid of him though—he never set out to hurt her. He just hurt his surroundings; her furniture, his future. He would smash a lamp on the floor when he was reminded of his wife waiting at home while he shot up in a dirty bathroom. He would punch a hole in her wall when she let him sleep on her couch and forgot to check up on him in the middle of the night.

Blake had taken all of those memories and burned them for her temporarily. He was like her own personal drug she consumed only once in her life; he pushed every other thought out of her mind to make room for only this one. Only him and his hands, and his mouth.

He had made her cum after she gave up on pleasure. He had shown her euphoria and barely broke a sweat. He was everything she gave up on in life after her ex-husband left her with trauma and a broken heart.

In one long night and short morning, he had shown her what it was like to be happy again. Carefree.

But her week of self-preservation had ended. She was back to answering emails, entertaining her manager and working on an album.

She no longer had the handsome Southerner to make her feel better and she realized it was a problem to even still be thinking about him.

She polished off a bottle of Pinot Noir by herself in less than an hour and a half yesterday, and even that did nothing to enhance her sour mood. She had just stared at the empty wine bottle with a feeling of dread.  
  
She has an ex-husband but no kids, a one-night-stand but no luck. Her life felt like an impossible fight for something better, yet never quite coming her way. She gave herself one last night to feel sorry for herself, knowing that the next day would be an important one.

Jen would come over to pick Todd up from rehab, after three weeks. Granted, they were both nervous about him leaving that place so soon, but Todd had been sober for eleven days now, which is longer than he’s ever been in the last five years. She might’ve opted for letting him stay for a few weeks longer, but Jen needed her husband and the kids needed their father.

Gwen needs her brother, but not as much as _they_ need him.

Now she’s standing in her large living room, watching her sister in law internalize every single fear she has in favour of her kids. They want their daddy home and she got tired of denying them that. Todd wanted to come home and she chose to believe him. Gwen can’t find it within herself to argue with her.

“Can you drive?” Jen asked, her eyes red and the lines in her forehead indicating she hasn’t slept much due to her worries.

Gwen nodded. The kids were staying with Jen’s mother while they would get Todd home. Just to be safe, they wanted him to adjust to being out of rehab again before subjecting the kids to him. Gwen could feel a new surge of anger rise through her at the thought of her niece and nephew, so undeniably hurt by the weakness of their own father. It might make her the worst person on the planet, but sometimes she felt like it was unfair to grant _Todd_ with children while she never got to be a mom herself.

The drive to Mary Lind is quiet and tense, Jen just staring out the window while Gwen softly lets her thoughts drift away with the music playing from the radio.

“I told him before I dropped him of there…” Gwen started softly, gauging Jen’s reaction to her words. She doesn’t get much, but the slight tilt of her head is enough. “I told him to stop playing Russian Roulette with you guys, because one day he’s going to come back to an empty home and a void in his heart he won’t be able to fill.”

Jen nods as she stares into the far distance. Gwen knows she received her message loud and clear; this is not something they can keep doing forever. If he fucks up again, he’s gonna lose more than his sobriety.

Gwen wonders if her sister in law is taking in the magic of the midnight sky. As night fell, the blue haze of day disappeared and revealed the stars. Gwen always felt like this was closer to the truth of who we are. To her, the night was when the curtain got pulled back and we sensed the fragility of the Earth. Just like human beings, we’re the most ourselves when going through darkness, with our veils pulled back and hearts on the forefront.

She hopes Mary Lind was able to save Todd’s.

She doesn’t go inside with Jen, thinks it’s best to let her do this herself. She’s also not sure how Todd will feel about seeing her, considering she’s the one who drove him here to begin with.

She leans against the car door, inhaling the fresh air. It’s probably only ten minutes but it feels like hours that Jen’s inside. When she finally sees her and Todd walk out together, it feels like an invisible weight is lifted off her shoulders. Todd looks slightly meatier than before, but she can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s exhausted.

Todd ends up hugging her when he’s close enough, his arms tightening around her. Gwen hopes the surprise she feels isn’t mistaken for a bad kind of tension, but it’s hard to keep her emotions at bay when he holds her that tightly. It hits her all at once how many times she’s stood on the edge of losing him for good.

“Don’t you dare do this to me again.” She whispers, sniffling.

“I won’t.”

She knows better than to trust an addict, but she can’t lie and say his words don’t feel exceptionally good to hear.

He pulls away and kisses his wife.

“I’m really sorry about what I put you through, _again_.” He says.

Gwen watches Jen nearly lose it on the spot. Todd doesn't apologize. Everybody knows that.

“This will be the last time.” He continues.

The darkness surrounding them fills her with a serenity she needs, not just in her heart, but in her spirit. It reminds her that there is beauty if she dares to look beyond the darkness, it reminds her of chance meetings and hopeful futures. It allows her to look at her brother right now and not be completely filled with rage.

She allows the dark to be the backdrop to Jen and Todd hugging in front of her car, putting faith in the stars above them that they will be guided towards something better. Gwen takes a deep breath, releasing into the sky. She envisions a better life for Todd as well, one without drugs and alcohol, one without pain and suffering. 

She hopes that maybe he can be more like the handsome man she met two weeks ago. Steady and confident, dark but carefree.

She'd gotten so lost in the stars in his eyes, she failed to see the similarities in _his_ darkness. 


	2. Can’t Trust Anyone

It was too easy to end up here again. Maybe she should’ve checked in more or been more accessible, but she had done the opposite. She focused on her career, wrote a few songs, made a few important calls, and went to work.

She drove on autopilot, the rain hitting her windshield being strangely soothing. Every wipe of liquid felt satisfying to watch and she tried to internalize it—her own worries being swiped away with a simple motion of her windshield wiper.

She tries to remember that week to herself, the one where she completely went off the grit and ignored her daily responsibilities. That week feels like a lifetime ago now, regardless of it only being seventeen days.

Todd ended up being sober for seven.

It’s a small victory she has a hard time celebrating. Jen is on the fence about the state of her relationship, unsure if she can do another month of this. It might be Todd who’s using, but it’s Jen who’s _feeling_.

Gwen hasn’t spoken to her brother since his relapse, she hears updates through her sister in law and sometimes her parents. She’s physically and emotionally drained and unable to provide Todd with the tough-love and comfort he needs.

She, instead, went back to the hotel where she met the alluring stranger. The Southern guy who took her breath away but made her feel more alive all the same. She never got his number, didn’t even get his last name, so the closest she’ll get to reliving the feeling of Blake, is to show up at the one place she’s ever met him at.

It’s been almost three weeks since that night. He might not even remember her name, and here she is trying to _relive_ that man by getting a drink at the bar at which they met.

* * *

_He looks at her with a certain affliction in his eyes that she recognizes whenever she looks in the mirror. Life is hard and neither one have the time to talk about it, they’d rather drown in each other. The grip of his hand on hers is tight but not suffocating. She willingly follows him close by as he holds the elevator door open for her, the hand on her lower back nearly causing her to combust on the spot._

_The door closes and their possibilities open. He pulls her backwards until her back hits the wall and his tongue is prying open her lips. She moans against him, grinding her hips into the irresistible stranger. He cups her cheek and presses kisses to her mouth as if it’s his birth right. Her hands grip his curls as she wonders briefly if this is how this man loves as well; strongly, skilfully, destructively._

* * *

She’s been sipping her cocktail for the last fifteen minutes and realized immediately that she had new candidates for a possible hook-up. None she was interested in, but it wasn’t something she was oblivious to either. She even had to avoid the bartender’s wicked stare as she was sure he would like her to wait on him until his shift was over.

She gets a refill once her glass is empty and nods in gratitude. She looks around the crowded place, the classy joint busier than it was last time. The room is filled with couples, business men with outrageous bank accounts and lonely people like her.

But she doesn’t want company unless it’s Blake, and since he’s not here, she’s just here to drink. _Heavily_.

“You’re even more beautiful than the last time I saw you.”

Her heart skips a beat, speaking of the devil. Her head cocks to the right, her stomach constricting when she lays eyes on him.

He has the kind of face that stops you in your tracks. He must be used to it, because the sudden pause in a person’s natural expression when they look his way, followed by overcompensating with a soft and weak smile is never subtle. She’s no different. The accompanying blush is another dead giveaway that she’s not spared from. It didn’t help that he’s so modest with it too.

“Blake.”

“You remembered my name.”

Her line of thoughts are completely derailing, his voice turning her brain to mush.

“You’re here.”

His eyes flash with something electrifying.

“I’m here more than I care to admit.” He says, taking a seat next to her. “Only tonight I’m _very_ glad to be here.”

His low voice is something she feels deep inside, reminding her of how _he_ felt deep inside _her_ seventeen days ago.

He orders a scotch on the rocks, turning his full attention to her once he gets it.

“What brings you back here, Gwen?” He asks sweetly, his words feeling like her lungs are a balloon he takes all the air out of.

 _Pain_.

“Life.” She answers.

Every little mannerism of him sends shock waves through her body, his proximity maddening.

“Life must be pretty bad if you want to spend your free Saturday night here.” He teases, but the room suddenly feels still and suffocating.

“I don’t think you’re here to listen to my struggles.”

“I’m here to escape my own.” He says, sweet and husky. “But I’m not running away from yours.”

His answer is so honest it throws her off her game completely. She’s never met anyone who talks or feels like him. It makes her feel impossibly split open.

She leans into him, her flirtatious demeanour something that suddenly engulfs her. “Are you gonna buy me another round first, before you force me to open up to you?”

He smiles. “I’m not gonna force you to do anything, but I’ll gladly buy you another round if it means you’ll stick around.”

His hand raises to get the bartender’s attention, and Gwen’s gaze goes briefly to his index finger. She bites her lip to keep her mind from going to dangerous territory.

His gaze is unwavering as he watches her accept another drink.

“Thank you.” She says to him sweetly, curling her hand around her glass.

“You’ll have to forgive me.”

Her brow raises. “What do you mean, what for?”

“For not buying you a drink the first time we met.”

* * *

_“I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.” He smirks at her, his eyes taking her in with less subtlety than she’s used to from all the men she’s encountered before._

_Something about his demeanour is different; more honest, less reserved. Gwen likes the way it makes her feel and she can’t keep her eyes from drinking him up. He keeps that maddening smile on his face as he waits her out for an answer._

_“First time.” She chokes out, continuing to check him out._

_He leans into her, and she’s surprised at her body’s refusal to pull away, to stay put and not fight whatever this is at all._

_“You are insanely beautiful and this place does not do you justice.”_

_His words at least express no type of issue with her gaze basically undressing him and she can’t tell if she’s supposed to blush at his words or smirk filthily at it. She decides on both._

_“It’s the place that provides me what I need to forget.”_

_The stranger tilts his head, a playful glint in his eyes. “You don’t strike me as the drinking type.”_

_“I’ve heard that’s the way people drown their sorrows, are you judging me?”_

_He immediately shakes his head, keeping the grin on his face. “I’m the last person to judge anyone for whatever they do to forget. I just think I can do you one better.”_

_She laughs softly at his audacity, but feels the stirrings low in her gut. There’s nothing this man is propositioning that she doesn’t feel like accepting greedily._

_“Are you at least gonna tell me your name?” She whispers, deflecting, not used to her body and mind being so easily compliable._

_“Blake.” He answers, taking her hand in his to shake. “Are you gonna tell me yours?”_

_She’s momentarily struck by the fact he doesn’t seem to recognize her and that fact only intensifies her desperation to be close to this man._

_“Gwen.”_

_“Well Gwen, you want to get the hell out of here?”_

_She bites her lip, too enraptured with the various shades of blue in his eyes to hear whatever he says next. She’s sure she’ll be mortified about this decision later, but for the first time in her life, her inhibitions don’t seem to be stopping her or getting in the way. If that makes her the easiest woman in the world, so be it.  
_

_She can’t think of anything other than ending up next to this man, underneath, and on top._

* * *

She chuckles, shaking her head, hoping it helps her to come back to Earth.

“We were kinda busy with other things.”

Heat spreads through her again.

His eyes darken. “You have a way of inhabiting my mind, I hope you know that.”

Good, he’s been taking her brain hostage for seventeen days straight.

“I’m sorry.” She bites her lip, taking a sip of her drink.

“Are you gonna tell me why you’re here tonight?” He asks, leaning a little closer to her, letting her know subtly that he’s the one who’ll take her proximity tonight.

She swallows roughly.

“My brother…” She clears her throat. “He’s struggling.”

Blake’s features soften, his hand softly touching her pinky finger around her glass. The soft touch causes her breath to hitch.

“I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t ask her how or why he’s struggling and that’s the exact reason why she wants to tell him.

“Drugs.”

His eyes flash with something else, this time it looks like he’s feeling the hitching of his own breath.

“He’s just gotten out of rehab a few weeks ago and already flew off the rails again.” She whispers, slightly guilt-ridden about sharing her brother’s secret with an essentially stranger. “It’s hard to witness, you know?”

Blake lets go of her finger and nods.

“What made him go into rehab to begin with?”

Gwen takes another sip. “ _Me_.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “You did the right thing.”

The statement surprises her.

“You think so?”

Again, Blake fidgets a little, taking back a large sip.

“I do.” He answers her eventually. “But this is not about me…” He reaches out and holds her hand again, his thumb stroking her soft flesh. “You can’t let his darkness become your own.”

She grimaces, her eyes focused on his hand on hers.

“That’s not as easy as it sounds.”

“Doesn’t sound easy at all.” He offers her. “But something tells me you’re capable of doing the uneasy thing.”

Her eyes sparkle.

“What gives it away?” She teases.

The change of mood seems to relax his features.

“The way you kissed me.”

He runs a steady hand through his thick curls, his other one still holding hers.

“What do you mean?” She whispers.

“No woman like _you_ kisses a man like _me_ with so much passion if she’s not at least a _little_ fearless.” He winks.

Gwen closes her eyes so he won’t be able to see the shock in them. She’s so used to hardships, she lowkey hates Blake labelling himself as one.

She’s sure people like him are only brought into your life to make it better. He cannot be a hardship.

“You weren’t this self-deprecating when we met the other night.”

“It’s cause we didn’t do much talking.”

She has the audacity to blush.

“Blake— “

He rubs her hand with his thumb, leaning further into her. His mouth is at her ear when he speaks again.

“I like to talk to you again sometime Gwen.” He murmurs lowly. “I know we agreed on this being a one time thing, but I’m realizing I’m just not okay with that.”

She inhales sharply, turning her head so slightly his lips brush her temple. “You want to talk again?”

“Talk, drink, _anything_.” He chuckles. “Whatever you’re comfortable with, I want it.”

She reaches out for her glass, taking another sip.

“Give me your phone.” She demands softly, no longer holding his gaze. She needs all the bravery in this moment that she can get.

“Yes ma’am.”

She smiles when he slides the phone in front of her, unlocked and open.

“This would be the perfect time for you to give me your last name.” She muses while typing in her number and creating a new contact.

He chuckles. “Shelton.”

“Blake Shelton.” She says as she hands him the phone back, smiling. “It’s nice to finally meet _all_ of you.”

He chuckles. “I like to give myself to you in doses.”

“What if I told you I wanted all of you at once?”

“Then I’d ask ‘who’s room?’”

She snorts. “Shameless.”

“I thought I had it all under control before I met you.” He murmurs, snickering. “Guess not.”

“What does that even mean?”

She dares to hold his gaze this time, wanting to see everything behind his eyes while he admits another truth that’s too soon for both of them, yet so incredibly refreshing she doesn’t think of stopping him.

“It means there are certain things in the world I want but can’t have, certain things I shouldn’t even want. But none of that restraint, none of that knowledge, means shit when I’m around you. I have much less self-control than I gave myself credit for these days.”

“Are you saying you shouldn’t want me?” She asks confused, maybe even slightly hurt.

He shakes his head, taking another sip of his drink and looking at her hotly. “I’m saying that you shouldn’t want me, but the way you look at me makes me think that you do and I have zero motivation to try and change your mind.”

She swallows roughly.

“So don’t.”

He smiles.

“I’m not.”

She exhales shakily, unsure if she’s ever been this affected by another human being. She’s only met him twice in the span of three weeks, but it doesn’t seem to matter at all. Her heart is set on flipping out about him and she relates to his lack of self-control in that department.

It would be so easy to let herself get swallowed up by him another night, letting him take her apart and put her back together in the most delicious way. She could forget about her life, her sorrows, and just drown in Blake’s affection. It would be so easy, yet so wrong.

“I can’t hang out tonight.” She says, biting the inside of her cheek. “I need to go home and deal with some things first.”

Blake nods, and though she can tell there’s a hint of disappointment at her statement, he doesn’t verbalize any of that out loud.

“Your brother?”

She hums, then closes her eyes again. “I should call him. I haven’t spoken to him since he relapsed. I bet that makes me sound like a terrible person.”

He seems to contemplate his answer, pursing his lips.

“You need to protect yourself so your battery doesn’t run out.” He says lowly, almost _painfully_. “…. That way you never have to look for ways to recharge it like your brother does.”

She blinks at him in surprise, some tension leaving her body. She almost wishes she didn’t make herself the promise to not indulge in him tonight, because she wants nothing more than to thank him for speaking the words she so desperately needed to hear and _meaning_ them.

“Please call me.” She says instead, wanting to leave him with that promise at least.

It’s apparently the last thing he expected to come out of her mouth next, but the look on his face tells her he was planning on it already, with or without her plea to do so.

“Please pick up.”

It’s hard to motion for the bartender and pay for her tab all the while Blake is intensely staring at her. Somehow she manages though and when she locks eyes again, he’s standing up with her.

Gwen’s eyes roam over his entire face.

“Thank you for tonight.” She says softly, ducking her head. “For listening to me bitch and moan, and for— “

Her words cut off when he steps forward and pulls her in for a hug. His solid frame against her sparks the most inappropriate flashbacks. His arms around her remind her of how safe she felt before and still does. As if the rest of the world doesn’t exist outside of the space they create while together.

He pulls back with one hand remaining on her upper arm. It’s as if he knows she’s destabilized by her emotions and needs an anchor to keep her afloat.

“Thank you.” She whispers again, using all the strength she has left in her body to hurry herself out of there and into her car.  
  


* * *

“I don’t know what to say to him.” Gwen cries, shaking her head while Jen’s hand is soft in hers. “I really don’t. I can’t keep seeing him like this.”

“You’re his sister, Gwen. He needs to know you support him.”

She wishes she had Jen’s poise in this moment, but she feels the intense grief and disappointment settle like a wound in her heart, open and gushing, contaminating everything that’s healthy.

Todd had been able to stay sober for seven full days after he got out of rehab. A week of ignorant bliss that had ended too soon for everyone.

“What can I possibly tell him?” She whispers. “Jen, he can’t keep doing this, you can’t keep taking him back, I can’t keep— “

“I know.” Her sister-in-law cuts her off. “We’ve all been thinking about it lately, but I can’t give up on him yet. I know you don’t want to either.”

“It’s not about what we want.”

“Talk to him. _Please_?”

She figures that she would be doing Jen the biggest service if she said yes, which is why she ultimately agrees. Gwen is losing her brother, but Jen is on the cups of losing her husband and the father of her children. If the roles were reversed, she doesn’t think she’d have the heart to give up either.

Todd’s addiction was such that he cared for nothing else. Everything he once held dear fell by the wayside, his family, his friends, his career. He would lie, cheat and steal for it. He became someone else, someone she turned to resent. They say to love the addict and hate the addiction, but she was ashamed to say that most of the love she felt for him was whenever she thought back to the memory of who he was.

“Okay.” Gwen nods, squeezing Jen’s hand in reassurance. “I’ll talk to him.”

* * *

“How was it?” Todd asks, as if _she_ were the one who needed this NA meeting.

She inhales the outside air deeply, feeling like any moment now she’ll pass out from the overload of emotions she was forced to feel in there.

Her conversation with Todd had led her to come with him to one of his meetings. If she wants to understand, she needs to feel, and if she needs to feel, she’s got to hear. Hearing everyone’s story, everyone’s battles, wins and losses, took a toll on her mental and she can feel her eyes burn with unshed tears.

“It was a lot.” She confesses, smiling at her brother sadly. “I’m glad you invited me though. I think I needed to hear it.”

He stops her from walking to the car with a soft and reluctant hand on her arm. Her eyes dart up to his, her face portraying some confusion.

“I know I hurt you sis.” He says softly, the words coming out raspy and ugly. “I don’t know why I do what I do. I just need to forget sometimes and I can’t seem to…. it’s like this dark hole that just swallows me up and the only way out is by creating my own light somehow.”

Gwen swallows roughly, her feet itching to get away from that place. The moment she got out of that small and hazy room, she’d basically fast-walked her way out of the premises and onto the street. She doesn’t feel like she’ll be able to breathe properly until she’s back into the safety of her car. Her whole heart feels like it’s been exposed to the open air, the gaping hole in her chest begging to be attended to.

“It’s gonna destroy Jen, Todd.” She says softly, sighing deeply. “And the kids.”

“What about _you_?” He asks, deflecting. “Why are you checked out on me?”

“I’m not.” She says, feeling offended. “I’m here, I _came_.”

“But you’re not talking about us at all.” He accuses her. “Are you here for Jen or are you here for us?”

“I am here for _you_.” She hisses, bowing her head down in embarrassment when some stranger walks past and seemingly takes wind of their conversation. When the coast is clear, she looks back up at him. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care.”

“I’m sorry for the stress I’ve put you through.” He says, squeezing her arm. “I’m serious, I’m trying to be better. I want to change things so we can go back to being as close as we were. I don’t want to have to look in your eyes and see disappointment.”

“I’m not disappointed.” She whispers, biting her lip. “I’m just tired, Todd.”

He nods.” I know, and I’m sorry for that too.”

Gwen holds his gaze for a while, wishing she had the right words to say in this moment. Instead, she’s filled with dread and deflation.

She’s in the process of trying to control her hammering heart, when in one swift moment it plummets to her feet again.

All air in her lungs disappears when Todd looks to his left and suddenly smiles, his hand going up in a waving gesture.

“Blake, man, good to see you!”

Todd and Blake exchange a friendly handshake, before his impossible blue eyes meet hers. She can tell the mortification is mirrored in his own expression as well, his demeanour a broken one.

It’s so wildly different from the one he carried himself with when she met him, she can hardly believe it’s the same person.

She doesn’t _want_ it to be.

“Blake, this is my sister Gwen, Gwen this is Blake. He’s one of the success stories around here.”

“Wouldn’t call myself that.” He rasps, visibly uneasy by both the praise from her brother and the presence of Gwen in this moment.

“Fifteen months sober.” Todd shakes his head. “That’s what I’d call a success story.”

Blake’s stare feels hot on her face, his eyes pleading with hers to look at him, to _understand_ him.

She won’t give him any of that.

Blake grimaces. “Just doing the work.”

Todd hums. “We all are, but it’s good motivation to have you there to share your journey man, what can I say, it helps.”

Gwen’s stuck gazing at Blake, her eyes filling and her stomach dropping another ten floors. She finds it hard to inhale air, the only thing she can do is stare at him in silence.

“Nice to meet you, Gwen.” His voice speaks finally, low and subdued, again very different from the one he spoke to her with before.

She gets her head to nod once, acknowledging him without saying a word.

She has so many questions, so many expletives that want to leave her mouth because he lied, he _fucking lied._ But she can’t get her mouth to produce any sounds, let alone words. She feels her breathing come out shallow and uneven, her head spinning.

She’s standing in front of two men who know her, yet none of them feel like people she can lean on.

She will have to keep herself standing.

“I need to use the restroom.” Gwen chokes out, looking at Todd desperately, wishing she could just magically disappear right now.

Her brother looks confused, but doesn’t catch on.

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car.” He looks back at Blake, who’s already fidgeting on his feet to follow after her. “Nice to see you again, brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC..


	3. Such Damage Was Done

Gwen didn’t stick around to watch them exchange another handshake. Her legs carry her back inside with a rapid pace. She kept walking, ignoring everything and everyone else, her hand slamming against the restroom door until she was leaning heavily against the wall inside.

Her chest is heaving and her heart continues to hammer.

It can’t be true. It can’t be true that the _one_ time she’s let herself have one night with someone, that someone turned out to share a past like her brother’s.

She closes her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks as she relives that night with Blake, her heart and soul finally feeling at ease while he held her in his arms, close to his body, shattering her resolve so many times she slept like a baby for the first time in years.

She didn’t trust many people, would argue she didn’t trust _anyone_ , but she trusted him that night. She couldn’t have known how much peace of mind she’d sacrifice by doing so.

If he’s anything like her brother, Blake has ruined lives, broken trust, and hurt the people around him.

She’s hiccupping through her sobs as her mind keeps replaying their chance meeting, making her feel the happiness of that moment and the heaviness of the present.

Her brain hadn’t stopped thinking about the Southerner, all for it to come to a crushing halt, a devastating revelation tonight. She knows what’s at stake, and her intuition had always prevailed. The only thing that steadily failed her was her heart.

She needs to go home. She needs to somehow get to her car and sit there with her brother, trying to hide the fact she’s ever met the tall, handsome man before. 

She inhales deeply once more, wiping her tears as well as she can before pushing her way out of the women’s stall.

She nearly screams when her body collides with _him_ , his broad chest one she can identity by pure feel, even after two meetings.

She looks up at him, the sudden proximity of him again causing her hands to shake and her legs to feel wobbly. She’s eighty percent convinced that she might collapse.

“Gwen.” He says calmly, yet she can tell he’s panicking too. “I didn’t know. He told me he had a sister but he never said your name, and even if he did I would never have guessed— “

“Stop.” She says, more tears spilling from her eyes as she’s useless to stop them. “We can’t talk to each other; I need you to not even _look_ at me.”

“Gwen— “

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She snaps, watching his face contort. “Why didn’t you tell me you were….” She sucks in a sharp breath, unsure how to say the words.

“An addict?” He finishes for her softly, a look of pure disappointment settling over his features. “Because we weren’t being deep or even honest with each other. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again and if I was only gonna get one night with you, I didn’t want to have to see the look you have on your face right now.”

“We met _twice_.” She hisses.

Suddenly flashbacks of him wincing at the mention of drugs hit her hard, the way he’d tried to paint himself in a bad light washing over her.

He gave her subtle hints; she just chose not to see them.

“I was going to tell you when it felt like the right time.” He says softly, obviously pained.

“My brother is….” She covers her mouth when another sob threatens to come out. “He’s struggling, he relapsed, we can’t…”

He steps a little closer and she backs away on instinct.

“Gwen, I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just wanted one night where _this_ didn’t matter.”

She shakes her head. “No, that’s not how this works. This _is_ your life!”

“Was.”

She opens her mouth to talk, but all that comes out is air.

“I can’t do this. I need to go.”

His hand quickly reaches out for her arm, causing her to stop in her tracks. The simple touch staggers her entire being, her wet eyes looking up at him.

Somehow the way he touches her is unlike anything or anyone else. Some of her panic dissolves for a few seconds underneath the twinkling of his eyes.

“I haven’t even got to call you yet.” He says softly, his voice dropping in volume almost impossibly so. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and about how I’d get to see you again, but it was never meant to be like this.”

“You should’ve stayed away from me.” She says, no longer able to provide him with any sense of courtesy. “When I told you about my brother, you should’ve— “

“I’m not him.” He interrupts, sighing before looking down. “I used to be, but I’m not anymore. Give me a chance to prove that to you.”

“So we can fuck and forget about each other’s problems?” She raises her brow sarcastically. “No, thank you.” She spits out.

“Christ Gwen, come here.” He tries pulling her around the corner, away from prying eyes.

Despite her anger, despite her brother waiting in the car for her, she lets him drag her a few feet until she’s so close to him she can smell the aftershave on his skin.

“I know that’s what we started out as...” He speaks lowly. “Two people who just needed some distraction and slept together, but I’ve been thinking about you ever since. You don’t think I thought about staying away from you the moment you told me about your brother?”

“If I recall correctly, the day I told you was also the day you asked to see me again.”

“But I _thought_ about it.” He insists. “I didn’t think I knew your brother, but I knew that if you found out about my past, you wouldn’t be able to separate the two.”

“So you lied.”

“I _waited_.”

“Don’t mess with me, don’t do that.” She shakes her head, tears streaming down her face again.

“I’m not fuckin’ with you, Gwen. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Why do you even want to see me again, huh?” She cocks her head, ignoring the steady flow of tears running down her cheeks. “You haven’t had enough of this world? You’re sober now so you want to vicariously live through my addict brother, be close to his sister?”

His face screws up.

“What are you talking about?”

“I trusted you.” She yells, covering her mouth with her hand immediately afterwards. “I gave you my _body_ that night, the least you could’ve done was have the decency to be honest with me.” She adds on a whisper.

Blake swallows roughly.

“We needed something easy, you said that yourself. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Gwen. I just didn’t want to burden you with a problem that wasn’t yours, and I didn’t want to burden myself with the disappointment of a person who wasn’t mine.”

She turns her gaze to the ground, her breathing turning into erratic hiccups that have her shaking on her feet.

“Please don’t tell me this is happening.” She whispers, the panic and dread all settling into her body to the point of insanity.

His hand on her arm doesn’t even alarm her this time, she barely even registers it.

“Listen to me, I know how traumatizing it is to live with or around an addict, trust me, I know. I know that it becomes hard to trust anyone and the last thing you want is to double down on that. I understand why you’re freaking out but you gotta breathe, darlin’.”

“Don’t.” She hisses, looking up at him angrily, yet gripping onto his bicep for stability. “Don’t call me that.”

He nods. “I’m sorry.”

“I keep hoping this is all just a bad dream; that I’ll wake up and none of this ever happened. You’ll still be the person I met the other night, the one who stole my breath, the one who I _want_ to be around.”

She’s so far gone into her ramblings, she doesn’t even realize how cruel her words are.

“I worked hard to get where I am, Gwen.” He says softly, sighing. “My past and progress is something I don’t have to prove to anyone but myself and the Man upstairs.”

She sniffs. “Can you please stop? I don’t want to hear it, because it won’t matter.”

“I’d like for it to.” Blake challenges her softly, sweetly. “I want it to matter, because I don’t want to hurt you. I need you to know that.”

The soothing sound of his voice manages renders her speechless, but instead of talking, she uses the last bit of strength in her body to yank back her arm.

“Don’t touch me again, please.” She says through her tears. “If you don’t want to hurt me, you stay the hell away from me.”

The look on his face is one of pure anguish but it doesn’t compare to what she’s feeling inside.

As she walks away, she can feel her heart cracking open and bleed all over the ground, all the way out over the pavement and onto front seat of her car.

* * *

Silence has always been out to get him.

Whenever he’s silent enough, secluded enough to truly look inward, he finds the harrowing truth looking back at him confidently.

He’s overcome the worst of his darkness, but it will forever linger inside him. There’s a hidden box in his soul, one that he keeps closed and locked away, but the key will forever be in his possession. He can try and throw it as far away as possible, but it will always return to him. He will always be left with the choice to unlock it.

Gwen’s face when she saw him that night was the metaphorical key, taunting him to unlock that box and give into his addiction.

He didn’t.

He sips his coffee, looking out over the vast expanse of land that belongs to his mother. He grew up in the country and would die out there too, he was sure of it. The moment his career took off was the same moment he bought his mom this place. 

Life had been one chaotic melody up until that point, and his mother’s new home had been the first time that melody actually started to sound like a song.

His songs brought him all around the country and arguably away from his mother. He didn’t see his family as much, didn’t keep in touch in the way he should’ve, and he paid the ultimate price.

He got lost, in himself, in the world, in his ex-wife.

_Now_ he’s forcibly been away from that industry for over a year, and his desire to go back seriously decreases with the day. _Now_ , he wakes up and walks around his land, that he’s bought with his songs, his lifestyle, his failures and his accomplishments. He reminds himself of all he’s lost to get here and convinces himself that his dues are paid.

Now he spends his time laying low, visiting his mom, drinking coffee at her kitchen table and staring out of the window.

“Your sister called. She asked if you could give her hand with the boat.”

Blake hums, nodding his head.

“I bought her and Mike a bottle of whiskey after drinking all of theirs the other night.” His mom continues, snickering to herself. “Could you bring that with you?”

It’s a seal of faith, of confidence, and it makes him momentarily stop the wallowing in his own despair.

He hums again. “Sure thing.”

His mom walks up behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Are you sure you’re okay Blakey?” She muses, kissing his cheek. “You know you sometimes worry me.”

He turns his head to the left, putting down his cup.

“I’m fine, mom. Have been for a while.”

He realizes that his own shortcomings have resulted in lack of trust from his family and friends. They will keep asking and he’ll keep reminding them he’s changed.

One step forward, two steps back.

“I know you have been.” She sighs, hugging him closely to her. “You’ve been here a lot, and I love that you come by so often now, but just make sure you don’t forget to do things to make yourself happy too.”

Blake swallows roughly, his mom’s arms disappearing from his neck. He takes another sip and finds his mom’s gaze across from him.

“Being here makes me happy.”

He does feel safe here, which correlates to being happy these days.

Going out is not safe, going back to music is not safe, meeting beautiful women at bars is not safe.

“That’s all ya need to say, sweetheart.” His mom smiles. “Don’t forget the whiskey on the way out.”

* * *

“Are you kidding?” Jen whispers, looking over Gwen’s shoulder as she keeps scrolling.

Gwen can hardly believe what she’s seeing either.

“Todd never told me he met someone famous in rehab.”

“I don’t think that’s really the point of those places.” Gwen says softly, causing Jen to shake her head in slight embarrassment. “I also don’t think that’s where they met. Todd told me Blake just goes to the NA meetings at times, he’s been sober for a while.”

“I can’t believe you’ve met him before.” Jen says shocked, still trying to make sense of all the new information they’ve stumbled upon.

Gwen can’t get herself to look away from her phone.

_Blake Shelton, the disappearance from the spotlight after his rehab visit explained; sources tell us that Blake has been sober after admitting to his substance abuse issues in July of 2018._

“You really didn’t know what he did for a living?” Jen asks.

Gwen shakes her head. “It never came up.”

“But you had his name all along.”

“He didn’t share his last name.” Gwen defends herself, her eyes never leaving her phone screen. “He knew I had a brother who’s dealing with the same issues he’s had and he still decided not to tell me.”

The weight of his dishonesty keeps knocking into her as if it’s a new revelation. She never would’ve guessed that the man she spent that one blissful night with, held such a dark past, and essential secret from her.

“Maybe he liked the fact you didn’t know who he was.” Jen says softly. “Isn’t that what you complain about all the time too? About people not wanting to spend time with you for _you_ but because of the things you can do for them?”

“This is different. I don’t care that he didn’t tell me he was famous, I care that he didn’t tell me he went to _rehab_ , that he struggles with drugs the same way my fucking brother does.”

“He’s sober.” Her sister in law states carefully.

“I met him at a _bar_.” Gwen deadpans.

“Fifteen months sober of drugs, Gwen. That’s a pretty damn good accomplishment.”

Gwen winces at her insensitivity, realizing how desperate Jen must be for Todd to follow suit.

But Gwen can’t think of any of that and definitely can’t stand to believe in her brother’s ability to stay sober, the disappointment each time hurting too much.

Her mind is already on Blake’s wellbeing and her sudden fear of cross-addiction.

“He’s trading one addiction in for another.” Gwen chokes up, swallowing roughly.

“We don’t know that.”

“It isn’t right.” She nearly hisses, referring back to his decision to keep her in the dark. “I had a right to know.”

“Why?”

Gwen looks at her angrily, eyes widening.

“Because I wouldn’t have gotten near him had he told me and he _knows_ it.”

The words sound bitter and judgemental, her cheeks flushing as her admission lingers between them.

Jen bows her head. “I know you’re really upset with him. But don’t you think that maybe some of that anger you feel towards Blake right now is actually…meant for Todd?”

“I _am_ mad at Todd; he knows this too.” Gwen says, feeling Jen’s question deep in her bones. “I can be upset with both, trust me.”

“Gwen….” Her sister in law sighs, reaching for her hand. Gwen looks up at her expectantly, for the first time abandoning the phone in her hand. “I know you’ve been hurt by him so badly, we all have been, but it’s different for you. You were the one who he came knocking to, the one who had to talk him down and clean up the mess when he destroyed your living room. I know Todd has a lot of making up to do, a lot of work to do in general. But don’t let him take more from you than he already has, don’t let him be the reason you give up on people.”

Gwen’s breathing hitches, her eyes filling.

She’s tired of crying, or feeling like she’s about to. It’s a vicious cycle that has been her life for the past few years.

“You’re scared and I bet your divorce isn’t helping with that either.”

“This isn’t about Gavin.” She whispers.

Jen scrunches her face at that. “He left you for someone else, promised to give you the life you always wanted, the _gift_ you’ve always wanted and then took it away.”

“He didn’t want kids, you can’t force someone.”

“But he didn’t tell you that, did he?” Jen pushes softly. “He told you he wanted them at some point, to keep you hanging on. He knew how badly you wanted it and used it as an excuse to get away with things.”

Gwen tries to pull back her hand but Jen tightens her grip.

“I’m not trying to upset you, Gwen. I’m trying to tell you that I understand.”

Gwen swallows roughly. “It doesn’t matter. None of it matters right now.”

Jen sighs again. “I just want you happy, sissy.”

Happiness had been such a foreign thing to her over the years. She had forgotten about what that actually meant up until that night with Blake. She had felt genuine happiness then.

“Gavin pretended to be someone else for a lot of years.” Gwen whispers, grateful Jen didn’t let her pull back her hand, as the tight grip is exactly what she needs to push the rest of these words out. “He lied to me, pretended to want something he didn’t, be someone he wasn’t.”

“He did.”

“But he was also someone who would help me clean up the mess whenever my brother ransacked the place. He was someone to lay beside when I couldn’t stop shaking after dreaming Todd had OD’d.”

Jen’s eyes fill with sadness.

“I know.”

Gwen hums. “Sound familiar to you at all?”

It’s silent for a few beats before her sister-in law’s eyes widen, her grip on Gwen’s hand tightening some more.

“Oh Gwennie, that’s different.”

“Is it?”

“Blake isn’t Gavin, nor Todd.”

“But Blake lied about who he was, pretended to be someone else so I wouldn’t walk away. And in return, I used him. I used him because I was feeling bad and was worried sick about Todd. It’s literally the same cycle, over and over again.”

Jen shakes her head. “You might’ve _tried_ to use him, but you like him. I can tell by the way you’re hurting right now.”

“I don’t like him, I barely know him.” Gwen scoffs. “I don’t _want_ to know him.”

“I’m not saying I don’t understand Gwen.” Jen offers her softly, shrugging. “But if I were Blake, posed with the decision to either tell a complete stranger about a past that probably won’t even matter to them the next morning, or keep it to myself and have _one_ great night, I probably would’ve made the same decision he did.”

Gwen pulls her hand back slowly, wiping her tears as she stares at the woman in shock.

“How can you say that?” She whispers.

Jen chuckles softly, the sound a painful one.

“Because I think about one perfect night all the time, Gwen. Addiction might not be my struggle, but _is_ my _burden_. And if I had the chance to not have it be a burden for one night, I would take it and be absurdly grateful for it.”

Gwen closes her eyes, pain and relief both washing over her. Pain about not being able to shake the disappointment and shock from her system, and relief because she can’t seem to hate Blake, which according to Jen at least, is not a bad thing.

“I feel like I’m going insane.”

Jen wraps her arms around her and pulls her in for a hug.

“You’re not.” She promises her. “You’re just burned out. It’s why I need you to let some people in, so you don’t have to do it all alone. So you don’t miss out on happiness when it’s right in front of you—even if it’s temporarily.”

Gwen closes her eyes, laying her head on Jen’s shoulder. 

“How are you even dealing with me right now? I should be the one providing _you_ a shoulder to cry on.”

“Which you have, many times.”

“You know my proposition still stands; if you and the kids need to get out of here for a bit, my door is always open.”

The two women pull away again, Jen’s smile soft and genuine.

“Thank you, Gwennie. I might take you up on that offer one of these days.”

“Anytime.”

* * *

She rouses slowly, her face against the pillow, a hefty weight against her back.

Her eyes blink open, a wave passing through her as if she’s experiencing vertigo. She takes in the unfamiliar bedside table with dark maroon furnishing.

She tries to move her hip, but there’s a man’s hand on the ridge of her bare waist. She turns, her clammy skin slick against his as she attempts to move full circle, but his weight is blocking her from moving off her stomach.

Her eyes slowly move up the muscular arm strewn across her body, confusion and disorientation all intermingling in her chest. Those feelings make way for bewilderment when her eyes move up the path of his muscular arm.

Her chest does a weird flip at the barb wire tattoo on his forearm.

She goes to touch it tenderly when her alarm starts wailing.

Her eyes open and her heart is beating violently. Her bed is cold and unforgiving as she stretches her gaze far enough to see the truth settling in. She stretches a hand across the cool material, tangles her fingers in the sheets that belonged to him in her dream.

She hears no sound of life but her own. The truth blinks at her as unforgiving as the clock on her bedside blinking brightly red numbers at her.

He’s not here. It would be impossible for him to be.

She had told him to back off, looked at him as if he was disgusting and pulled away from him. He won’t call her and even if he did, she probably wouldn’t pick up.

It’s all a messy blur inside her brain, everything she once knew contaminated with what she recently started to desire.

All she knows is that her heart is yearning for a person, a place, that she has no business wanting.

An insufferable addiction to a man she only met three times.


	4. Cover Me Up

_2017_

* * *

_He looks at the small package of cocaine in his hand, twisting it just slightly to gauge how much he’s got left, and how long it will keep his demons at bay once he uses it._

_He can’t do that right now, as he walks into his mother’s house. The package disappears deep into his pocket, his arms surrounding his mom for a hug._

_“You came back.” She says sweetly, cupping his cheeks. “You look so thin, Jesus Blake, are you eating out there?”_

_Blake chuckles. “My diet is still as unhealthy as it was when I left home, don’t worry about it.”_

_Dot frowns._

_“Cheetos and booze.”_

_His mom scoffs. “If you think you can convince me you’ve eaten a single Cheetos in the last year, you’re sadly mistaken.”_

“ _Let’s give the man a break, how about that?”_

_Randy is quick to hug him, ending the conversation with his mother. Randy is a family friend, but it was no secret he’s gotten closer to the Shelton household ever since Blake made a name for himself._

_Blake isn’t mad at it, he gets it._

_It probably also helps that they_ _have an equal understanding of life; this shit is hard and if you don’t find something that silences your demons, you will go crazy long before you get where you want to go._

_“How long do we have you before Hollywood demands you back?” His friend asks, patting his back._

_“Two days.”_

“ _You’re in demand.” Randy smiles. “I heard your ass on the radio about twenty times while driving to Anne’s house the other day.” He smirks. “It’s an hour drive.”_

_Blake laughs. “I apologize.”_

_“Nah, I’m happy for you man.”_

_Blake give shim a deep throaty chuckle._

_“That’s what I miss the most out there.”_

_Randy frowns. “What’dya mean?”_

“ _No one is happy for anyone in Hollywood.” He answers simply. “Not even Ran. It’s a God honest feeling that hits you in the face as soon as you land; they only care about you when you’re down, but no one actually wants to see you on top.”_

_Randy seems to think about what he wants to say, for the first time rendered quiet._

_“I couldn’t do it.” He replies eventually. “The whole fame thing…” He waves his hand, brushing off the idea with light disgust. “It would drive me insane. Just give m_ e _my simple hardware store, my girl and a fat joint to end my day with and I’m all good.”_

_It’s how his friendship with the man started; grinding his way through Nashville, crashing on Randy’s couch after a long and unsuccessful day and smoking a joint on his back porch when all was said and done._

_He never figured that moving to LA would cause him to want more, to become greedy. A joint soon stopped being enough._

_“You don’t know how good that sounds right now.” Blake admits._

_Randy grabs his shoulder firmly, getting his attention._

_“Why don’t you come over tonight, brother? Anne is visiting her mom in Texas, and it’s been too long since you’ve swung by.”_

_He probably shouldn’t. He knows he’ll go_ _over there and get too messed up to see his mother again tomorrow. He knows he’ll ruin at least one of the two days he has left here, but the urge and desperation for what his friend is suggesting is too large to ignore._

_“You sure?”_

_He can already feel the thick smoke circulating his longs, and the ivory white powder gliding through his nostrils when his friend responds with a smile._  
  
“ _You need to forget about all the career stuff, forget about Ran for a second…”_

_“That sounds like a horrible idea.” Blake chuckles, shaking his head._

_“Forget about her long enough to enjoy yourself.”_

_He closes his eyes, knowing that if he says the words out loud, he’ll be out of a wife by the time he lands back in LAX._

_“You’d already convinced me, no need to hound me.”_

_Randy smiles. “You’re an ass, but I’m glad you’re back.”_

_The night drags on, but it’s nowhere near over by the time he leaves his mom. Randy only lives thirty minutes away, which gives him just enough time to reconsider his choices but not enough time to choose the right one._

_He doesn’t know how much time they spent on the porch, he ends up not even knowing how he got into the guest room._

_He’s lying on the bed with his shirt undone and the smell of weed lingering on his clothes and skin. His eyes must be blood shot but he doesn’t get up to check. His head lolls to the side every now and again, the coldness of the room clashing with the heat he feels within._

_For a moment, he’s hit with brief anxiety over the amount he snorted up his nose and inhaled into his lungs. He knows things need to change if he ever wants to get healthy, but he wonders if that’s still something he wants._

_Being healthy keeps becoming less and less appealing. Silencing the voices in his head_ _is on the top of his list._

_But he knows his mom would be devastated if he one day took it too far, if he fucked up all his chances to get better. He thinks even Ran might get lost._

_They love you when you down, but they admire you when you’re dead._

_He doesn’t want to die though; he just wants to be happy. Lying in a black out room, with his inner voices subdued, shirt unbuttoned and body floating in between weightless dimensions is the closest he’ll get to that feeling, so he’ll keep chasing it._

* * *

  
She casually crosses her nude heels at the ankle and leans against the wall. She’s sporting a black dress, designed to turn heads with her exposed legs and fishnets. She can hear the faint sounds of an audience getting restless, waiting for her entrance.

The album is at an impasse. She doesn’t know how to finish it and doesn’t think anything she feels like writing about is necessarily album-worthy. But Irving had gotten her this opportunity and as much as she felt like staying indoors and never leaving her bed again, she knew performing was the one and only thing that always inspired her to record music.

There’s nothing like that high, that adrenaline rush she gets from a live audience. The exchange of energy that’s so intense, no drug or supplement could ever compare. She never feels higher than when she’s on stage, and it’s a feeling she’ll chase forever.

Her performance will be broadcasted online, but she doesn’t care much about that. She never did. This isn’t about how many people watch her, or how many critics praise her live abilities. This is solely about surviving off the energy of her fans in the room, the ones who buy her music and never left her.

The ones who never lied, never cheated, never made her feel cheap.

This performance is for her ex-husband who told her she was washed up and wouldn’t be able to pull a performance like this off again. This is to show him that she’s not yet ready to throw the towel in.

“The crowd is definitely alive.” Her new assistant is jumping at the seams, her excitement nearly cute hadn’t Gwen been so tired.

Rita had left the moment Gavin did, and Gwen swore off any other assistant for a few months. But that system didn’t end up working and she was eventually forced to give into it again. Lizzy had been a breath of fresh air, but the uneasy feeling she got whenever she spent time with her new assistant didn’t yet disappear.

Even without Gavin in the house, or even in her life, his presence in it still feels unappreciatively all-consuming.

“How many more minutes?” Gwen asks her manager.

“Ten.”

Gwen inhales deeply.

“Everything set?”

“Don’t worry about it, superstar.” Her manager winks. “We’ve got it all covered. You just do what you’re so impossibly good at and it will be perfect.”

Gwen smiles softly, too tired to give him much else. She wants to save her strength for the people out there waiting to see her.

Her phone starts buzzing in her hand, her eyes darting down to her screen as her heart plummets in the only way _he_ can make that happen.

 _Blake_.

She looks around as if she’s about to get caught, her finger trembling over her screen. Her voice hitches when she decides on picking up.

“What?”

“You picked up.” He breathes on the other end of the line, obviously relieved, but surprised.

“You can’t call me.” She says, turning around briskly and finding some privacy in the hallway, away from her team.

“I promised you I’d call and I’m not gonna break that promise.”

She closes her eyes, furious at herself for falling for his husky, low voice once again. She can’t even hang up the phone if she wanted to.

“I should hang up on you, I should _hate_ you…”

“Then, why don’t you?”

“Because I can’t.” She whispers, squeezing the phone in her hand so tightly she’s afraid she’ll crush it.

“ _Gwen_ …” He says her name on an exhale, the sound so sensual she wants to hear it over and over again, preferably in person. “Can we please talk about this? I hate what happened and I hate how we left things. Please.”

“I can’t, I’m about to go on stage.”

Something in Blake’s tone changes.

“You’re performing?”

She hums. “Out of nowhere gig.”

“You’ll be absolutely breathtaking.” He says, none of the angst from earlier present when he says that. Just pure and unfiltered admiration.

“Blake, I need to go.”

“Wait.” He says hurriedly. “Gwen, I’m serious, meet up with me. After your show, just one more time, can you do that for me?”

She shakes her head, feeling her heart hammering against her chest.

“You can’t be for real— “

“—I’ve never been more for real in my life.” He interrupts. “I haven’t met many people who have made an impact on me after only a few times of meeting them, but I know that once it happens, you don’t just give up on ‘em.”

“You barely know me.”

“So let me change that.”

She sighs, turning her face to the wall and pushing her hand against it roughly.

“What are you doing to me?” She whispers, not sure if the admission actually left her lips.

“You picked up the phone, you’re hearing me out…” He lists softly. “I know you are hurt and I hate to know that I caused it, but I also know that you’re not willing to give up on this yet. You wouldn’t even have given me these few minutes to begin with.”

She swallows roughly, the truth of his statement hitting her hard.

“What do you want?”

“You already know what I want. Meet up with me, talk to me.”

“Why?” She presses, the sound of the cheers from the audience suddenly becoming louder.

“Because you’re worth it. I’ve known that ever since holding you in my arms that night. I knew I wasn’t gonna see you again, and I knew it would haunt me forever. I figured it would be one of those things I’d add to the long of things that would keep me awake at night. But it doesn’t have to be like that.”

“Blake, please.” She almost starts crying then, never before had her heart and mind been at such odds. ‘I gotta go, I need to go up.”

“Just say yes.”

Her manager pokes his head around the corner, his hand indicating that her time’s up—it’s showtime.

“Blake.”

“Say yes, Gwen.”

“I need to— “

“—I know. Say yes.”

She closes her eyes, knowing she won’t be able to resist him, knowing she won’t be able to forgive herself if she doesn’t at least try.

“ _Yes_.” She sighs heavily, raking a hand through her hair. “Fine, we can talk later. I need to go now.”

She doesn’t wait for a reply, just promptly disconnects the call.

Her manager looks at her intensely as she walks past him, his brow raised.

“Everything okay?”

She forces a smile on her face, ignoring the summersaults going on in her stomach and the intense anxiety tensing her body.

“Let’s go give them my heart.”

* * *

The show had been awesome, and despite her current state of mind, she didn’t expect anything less. The energy exchange between her and the people who’ve supported her all these years is something she can never go without.

The phone call with Blake had kept looming in the back of her mind though and the moment she stepped off stage and had a moment to herself, she texted him.

_We can meet up at my place. There’s no way I’m meeting you again in a bar, out of all places. Gx._

Her text message had read slightly passive aggressive and she hoped the next one soothed a bit of the sting. She sent the second one quickly, adding her home address and a random green heart emoji.

She realizes there’s a chance he might’ve changed his mind about all of it in the hour and a half she’s been on stage for. She realizes that asking him to swing by her place might be a move too bold. But she’s scared and worried and sometimes it would cause her to be just a little less inhibited.

She’s in the process of changing shoes and saying goodbye to her team when her phone buzzes in her pocket. Her heart-rate immediately speeds up when he reads his confirmation.

_I’ll be there at 11._

* * *

  
Gwen stood back as he obviously admired her place, moving around her living room slowly. He seemed to watch every corner with even more intrigue. She was tempted to stop him, but his presence is already affecting her ability to speak greatly.

She had barely been able to dress down and change clothes before he arrived at her place, all gorgeous and ready to talk.

She watches as he puts one hand in his pocket, while admiring the large space. The whole wall in front of him is basically one large window as the curtains are drawn back, and the view of the city at night is something she’s still rendered speechless by too.

She moves towards the kitchen while Blake stands still in front of a picture frame on the wall. Gwen swallows roughly when he stares down at it.

“That’s Jen. Todd’s wife.” Gwen says softly.

Blake looks up at her, his features tempting.

“You two seem close.”

“She’s the best thing Todd has ever decided on.”

Blake nods.

“Want coffee?” She asks quickly, clearing her throat.

“I’m good, actually.” He surprises her, walking towards her. “Can you sit down for a second?”

He’s suddenly standing so much closer to her, their bodies now only inches away. She can’t get over how freaking _stunning_ he is.

“Blake— “

“—To talk Gwen.” He says softly, gazing down at her so determinedly it sends a sharp thrill through her. “It’s what I’m here to do, right?”

Gwen runs two of her fingers down her forearm before gripping her own wrist, anything to keep from reaching out for him.

She nods. “Let’s talk.”

Blake follows her towards the couch, a brief silence lingering as they sit closely together, yet not touching.

“Ask me whatever you want.” Blake says eventually, turning his head to look at her.

She shakes her head, breath hitching. “What?”

“Ask me anything. I know you have questions that you feel need to be answered. No better time than the present.”

She scoffs. “You picked up some new philosophy since we first met?”

He moves closer to her, knees touching. Her heart starts hammering like clockwork.

“Ask me your questions.” He repeats softly, sternly.

She closes her eyes.

“Did you know Todd was my brother before we hooked up?”

“I had no idea. I met him a few times before and he told me he had a sister but he never gave me a name.”

“Why were you in a bar?”

“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a drink every now and again. It has never been a problem.”

Gwen opens her eyes, facing him.

“You’re a recovering addict, you shouldn’t drink.”

His breathing seizes, she notices.

“I haven’t touched a fucking drug in over fifteen months, Gwen.

“But you’ve drank all this time?”

He chuckles. “No I haven’t.”

Her eyes widen.

“I didn’t have a drop for twelve months. I know the risk of relapse increases drastically when drinking during the first stages, I knew I couldn’t do it if I let myself indulge in alcohol. I did the total abstinence.”

Gwen swallows roughly. “What changed?”

“I can do it now, Gwen. I can enjoy a few drinks and be alright and not feel the need to go back to my old ways.”

“It’s not a full sobriety.”

Blake sighs deeply.

“You wanna know a story?” He doesn’t wait for her response, just immediately continues. “I’m gonna tell you a story. Two summers ago, I went on tour and got a call right before I went on stage. It was my ex-wife, _sobbing_ , her guilt-ridden heart feeling compelled to tell me she had cheated on me while I was away. I didn’t break up with her, didn’t even yell, I just snorted all my anger and resolve up my nose.” Gwen flinches but doesn’t say a thing. “I don’t know how I managed to do my show that night, but I did and I don’t remember a single moment of it. What I _do_ remember is going back to my tour bus and snorting some more. I stayed up doing that all night and by the next morning, my manager found me laying in my own sweat and puke on the floor. He pulled the plug on the tour and told me if I didn’t change my ways, I’d die. I told him to please let me.”

Gwen struggles to inhale air, her mouth incapable of producing any sounds.

“And I’m embarrassed to say that situation still didn’t encourage me to get sober. It took me physically endangering my mother that finally convinced me to get help. Which I did. I no longer chase the light from different dimensions or the weightlessness that comes from being blissfully unaware of your own mortality. After a year of being sober, I let myself indulge in a few drinks again, here and there. I guess you could say I lost my full sobriety that day, but I still abstain from any drugs. I’ve been clean of that stuff for fifteen months.”

“I... I don’t know...” She sucks in a breath. “Blake, I— “

“I sometimes drink, that’s just the truth. I sometimes drink to forget, just like you. But I never drink to chase or to feel. Do you wanna know another secret?”

She doesn’t think she can handle any more revelations but she finds herself nodding regardless.

“I was stone cold sober the first night we met. Full on. And when I saw you sitting at that bar, I knew I didn’t want to forget a single thing. So, I didn’t offer to buy you a drink that would inevitable result in me getting one too.”

His admission is spoken in such a quiet room due to her own speechlessness, the truth of it is so loud she feels slapped by it.

Her mind is telling her to run, to not fall for it, but her heart is already opening up to him quicker than she has control over.

“Would you stop drinking completely if you had to?”

“I have a sponsor, you know?” He asks, sporting a soft smile on his features. “He kinda takes care of things like this, conversations like these, so people like you don’t have to.”

“Blake.”

“I’m able to socially drink now Gwen, we monitor it, and it’s fine. It’s not a cookie cutter philosophy here.”

He chuckles at her obvious worry for him, that she tries to disguise as something else entirely. She’s completely thrown off her game when he slowly laces their fingers together on her knee.

“I worry about you.”

He smiles softly. “I know you do. Must be confusing for you.”

She looks at him, everything from passion to arousal mirrored in his eyes. She doesn’t know if it’s Blake’s grip on her hand or the conversation at hand, but she’s hit with a sudden wave of confidence that makes her touch his face lightly. She lets her finger trace the light stubble growing on his jawline. She nearly loses her mind when he closes his eyes at her exploring touches.

“I don’t understand you.”

He chuckles, keeping his eyes closed. “I don’t think that’s it.”

She lets out a breath. “Maybe. _Maybe_ I don’t understand myself.”

His eyes open again, his hand squeezing hers.

“One day, Gwen.”

She stops touching his face, looking up at him.

“What?”

“Give me one day with you. One day where we don’t talk about my addiction, or your brother’s. One day, just you and me.”

She starts shaking her head, realizing what he’s asking and already foreseeing the risks. But before she can even answer him, he’s cupping the side of her face with a delicate hand, pulling her to him gently.

They share the same breath as if it’s normal for them, before slotting their lips together like they belong.

He immediately opens her mouth with his tongue, muffling the soft moan she releases. He tastes like peppermint on her tongue and she’s so relieved by the lack of alcohol on his breath, she deepens it without thinking. She climbs on his lap, grinding her hips a little when she feels him growing hard beneath her.

His arms are now secure around her waist while one of his hands lays on her thigh. He continues to plant firm kisses on her mouth, breathing against her lips when she pulls back, a string of saliva the only thing connecting them still.

“ _One day.”_ He breathes against her lips, letting the proposition linger in the intimate space they created together.

Gwen nods before fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, desperately needing to see him again. _All_ of him.

The fabric of his shirt falls easily down his shoulders until it’s a crinkled mess on her floor. The sight of his naked chest is enough to break her last resolve. She leans forward, pushing him backwards and trailing soft kisses down his chest.

He grunts but doesn’t try to stop her. She loses her shirt, wanting him to watch her in all _her_ glory. His eyes sparkle with arousal at the sight of her lips trailing his chest while she’s in nothing but black jeans and a bra.

His hands move to her waist and grip her tightly. One of his hands smooths up to tug at her waistband.

“Get ‘em off.”

His voice sounds so rough and affected, in a twisted way it makes her happy—he should feel as out of control as she does.

It’s all a blur of groans and moans then, her pants being pushed down her ankles and kicked off, and his arms flipping her over with her back on the couch. His strong body feels perfect above her, hovering over her, keeping her down. She doesn’t want to know how many experiences he must’ve had for him to become so damn confident, so damn good.

His hands roam across her body, as if to memorize each bend and curve, working to make her breathless in no time.

She gasps when he’s in nothing but his boxers and his erection teases her from behind the fabric. She squeezes her thighs closer together, each one now touching Blake’s waist. He’s grinding against her underwear but takes way too long getting rid of it. She wants to do it herself when he grasps her wrists and pulls them above her head, shaking his head.

“Blake, please.” She begs, his firm hand on her wrist causing her to stop squirming.

He leans down for a kiss, slow and deliberate.

“I know you’ve been waiting for this.” He says against her lips, and she’s so far gone she doesn’t even realize she’s nodding. “I’m gonna give you what you need, but I’m gonna do it slowly, so you don’t miss a single thing.”

Lust is rolling off her like waves and she’s scared of how deep and intense it feels, how it ravishes her from the inside out and won’t stop her yearning for him.

His skilful fingers push past her underwear, teasing her until she's a moaning mess beneath him. He applies pressure on her clit with his thumb while sliding two of his long fingers inside of her. 

"Blake, oh fuck." She whimpers as he massages her walls with such finesse she feels like crying.

He grunts in her ear when his third finger slides in easily too, and she grows wetter on the spot. She can feel herself tightening around him, the sound of him penetrating her with his fingers slick to her ears. She would be feeling embarrassed if she wasn’t too busy feeling this damn good. 

One of his hands slides gently across her throat, applying just enough pressure to feel it but not enough to actually pose a restriction to her breathing. His other hand is still teasing her relentlessly, his fingers working in and out of her.

Her hips buck but his hand on her throat serves as a great reminder that she’s not going anywhere and it’s him who controls the pace tonight.

His thumb flicks her clit before pressing down on it lightly, chuckling at the deep moan it elicits from her throat.

“Are you fighting it?” He murmurs, kissing her softly, nipping at her bottom lip. “Is that why you look so desperate right now?”

She tries to look away but his hand on her throat won’t let her. She whimpers at his sudden increasing pace and wonders if this is how it feels to be totally taken apart.

“I’m not.” She whispers, bucking up at him again. “Please, Blake.”

“Please what?” He chuckles, kissing her again. “You can have whatever you want, baby. Take what you need from me, make yourself come.”

His words make zero sense when he’s the one controlling the pace, but the expression on his face makes her think twice. She starts thrusting her hips up at him more deliberately, creating fast circles that have her panting in seconds. Her eyes widen when his hand works _with_ her, adjusting to the rhythm she sets for them.

He hums when she grows tighter and wetter, closing her eyes.

“Oh my God.”

“Come for me.” He encourages her, his fingers never stopping the onslaught of sensations, not even when she falls apart.

Her eyes plead with him to stop after overstimulation and he slowly retracts his fingers from her altogether. She whimpers at the loss of him there, even when she can’t take it any longer. She keeps her eyes on him as he tastes her off his fingers, kissing her next.

He gazes down at her as if she’s the best thing he’s ever seen and she can see every single truth pooling there; he might be the addict, but she’s the one with the most recent addiction.

Despite his earlier words, his promises to take it slow, he finally drags down the flimsy piece of fabric down her legs, and he’s quick to discard his own after that. It’s been weeks since she’s felt him inside of her and the moment his cock flirts with her entrance, she feels the emotional outpour of sensations overwhelming her.

One of his hands winds into her hair as he pushes slowly, kissing her again to muffle any noise.

The first time they did this she was too busy realizing it would be the only time, but this time she’s able to take it all in without any other thought in her mind. Her hips buck up at him as he slides in deeper with each stroke.

“You feel so good, baby.” She moans at how dirty his voice sounds, his cock hitting her spot each time he moves. “You know that?”

His hip movements being so firm and his hand still in her hair holding her down is almost too much. She can’t think straight, doesn’t even remember ever being in this much pleasure before, and all she can do is moan out his name like a prayer.

He keeps moving inside her, his mouth brushing against her before dipping lower and softly nibbling at her neck.

“Blake, baby….”

She’s still reeling from her first orgasm when she feels the next coming up again, her body helpless as he skilfully brings her to edge again.

“That’s it." He works his hips in and out of her even harder, determined to make her come. "I know it feels good to you.”

She screams his name, biting his shoulder and digging her heels into his lower back. She’s trying to push him impossibly closer, the delicious friction inside of her making her shake.

She needs to make sure she keeps breathing when he speeds up, tightening his grip on her while mumbling dirty promises in his ear. She gasps and spasms forward, embarrassed to be coming again so soon.

The wrecked sounds coming out of her don’t sound like anything that’s come out of her before and she knows right away that it’s a feeling she won’t be able to walk away from.

He keeps pushing forward, catching his own release only a few seconds after her. His whole body shudders as he lets out a loud groan against her shoulder.

They both struggle to catch their breath afterwards, her limp arms falling lazily at the back of his neck. She clings to him for a reason she doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t back away and so she stops feeling guilty.


	5. Put Your Faith Through the Test

She wakes up with his arm around her waist, her head simply laying against his shoulder. She hadn’t even bothered with staying on her own side of the bed and instead crawled nearly into the side of his body.

Her breath hitches at how good it feels and she’s internally freaking out before she even opened her eyes for a full five seconds. The light shining through the curtains is enough to give her a clear view of his chest rising and falling with each soft breath.

She barely remembers how they even got to her room after three rounds of love making on the couch. He had physically and spiritually taken her out of her body, offering her a sweet place to come down on each time.

Her heart is beating fast at every feeling that’s crashing into her without permission and she’s embarrassed to say she doesn’t know if she would’ve stayed, had she not woken up in her own bed, her own house.

She feels his hand move around her hip, the weight of his arm lifting from her upper body as he turns on his side to face her. His eyes open slowly and he offers her a sated smile, surprising her when he leans over and captures her lips in a soft kiss.

He looks at her as if he’s reading her like a book, and she feels the hairs at the back of her neck stand up. Her face is flushed and her lips are full, her heart still hammering.

“You physically look as if you’re changing your mind.” He observes groggily, peeling away one strand of hair from her face.

She shakes her head, incredibly affected by his ability to read her so easily.

“I’m not.”

“You okay?” He asks.

“ _Yeah_.” She responds huskily. “Are you?”

His lips quirk into a small smile.

“It’s too early to be this stressed, baby.”

She closes her eyes when she realizes he’s not about to let it go. He saw a truth and just like she’s come to know of him, he won’t let go of that until he’s dissected it.

“I could use a shower.” She somewhat deflects, feeling his hand back on her cheek.

He cups the side of her face in his hand gently.

“I think we can arrange that.”

He wraps an arm around her waist, helping to pull her up to her feet. It’s too easy for her to lean into him as they walk into the hallway, still half asleep and vulnerable. She realizes she’s not wearing anything but his shirt and he’s in nothing but his boxers. It feels a little too real and so she clears her throat and pushes herself away from him.

“I’m uhm, I’m gonna go get some water.” She tells him, heading for the kitchen before he can stop her.

He points towards the bathroom and she’s on time to catch it and nod. There’s no reason why he’d have to wait for her here in the hallway.

She enters soon after, biting her lip as she takes in the sight of him in her bathroom. He begins to run the water for the shower and she can’t help the soft and sarcastic chuckle that leaves her lips.

“You’re getting all tender and romantic on me?”

She offers him a bottle of water that he accepts before nodding. “Have I ever been anything _but_ with you?”

“We’ve only had one night stands.”

He takes a sip of water and then hands it back to her. “We’re changing that.”

The confidence in which he speaks to her always reminds her of how much more in control he is than her. She’s still fighting the tug of war going on in her heart, while he seems much more ready and willing to let his heart lead him to where he wants to go.

“Somehow I find it easier when you’re not being all…. _you know_?” She whispers, feeling bad for even admitting it out loud.

She turns away under the disguise of closing the door to try and collect herself. She doesn’t even have to turn around for her gaze to find his in the reflection of the mirror in front of her. His eyes hold hers as he approaches her. His hands skim down her arms and then he steps toward her, wrapping his arm around her waist as he pulls her against him.

“How about I give you both?” He answers her earlier question. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are when you just wake up, Gwen?” He murmurs against her temple.

She clears her throat self-consciously, unable to come up with a response. He takes a hold of her chin and directs her gaze back to the mirror.

“You are.” He breathes, his tongue darting into the shell of her ear. His right hand slides from her chin to her throat, his left idly tracing circles on her abdomen, cupping her breast through the shirt she’s wearing.

She has half a brain to request he takes it off, which he does quickly.

“Shower.” She whispers, hoping he gets the memo and doesn’t stop while they’re in there.

As if they share the same mind, he loses his boxers and helps her step underneath the spray of warm water. He presses her back against him, his chest feeling solid behind her, his morning erection pressing against her butt.

He reaches around to caress her breasts again, this time without any restrictions. The water hitting her body is hot, but it’s not the reason she’s currently burning up. His hands trail down her sides, as he guides her hands to rest against the tiles before her.

Her fingers tense on the wall as he draws his hands toward her center, and she gasps as pushes his erection more firmly against her.

“I’m not changing my mind.” She whispers, wanting him to know that before she takes from him again.

All power of speech is once again lost as his fingers lightly dance along her clit and he nudges himself against her entrance. She’s glad she made her admission a few seconds earlier, right on time it seems.

“Me neither.” He says, wrapping his arm around her waist and coaxing her to lean forward as he thrust inside of her slowly.

She moans as he begins to gently move within her, being careful considering she might be sore from the night before.

His fingers continue to lightly stroke her, causing her walls to tighten around him and heightening both of their pleasure. It catches her off guard when she feels the tension already starting to build within her.

“I’m close.” She pants, her head dipping forward as she feels him push deeper inside of her.

“I know.” He rasps. “I’ve got you.”

He never picks up the pace, and this time when she feels the pleasure overtake her, the waves roll through her like a gentle tide, one after another as he continues his movements. He follows her over that great abyss before slowly letting her come down against his chest.

He told her he got her, and he wasn’t lying.

* * *

She should’ve thought it through perhaps, taking a six foot something cowboy to the beach unseen probably wasn’t the highest on her list of smart ideas.

The weather wasn’t anything particularly special but it was nice enough to take a walk in. Blake had disclosed to her that he barely went to the beach and that was just something she couldn’t let rest. The beach has been her backyard most her life and there’s nothing more serene to her than that. For some reason, she wishes Blake the same calm and serenity she finds here.

She’s in shorts, a tanktop and sandals, a stark contrast to Blake’s jeans and sneakers in hand. She smiled when she turned out to be right about his shoes being the worst for walking in sand, and he had sighed slightly in defeat before taking them off and in his hand.

“You hate it, don’t you?”

She looks up at him softly, fighting a smile. There’s something about the sight of him next to her that makes her feel giddy, even when she’s still fighting the urge to run.

“Not at all.” He responds calmly, letting his shoulder bump into her as they walk.

“Why don’t you come to the beach more often?” She asks, looking out at the ocean. “Don’t you live in LA now?”

He hums. “I do, but I don’t see much of it while I’m here. I stay home mostly.”

She frowns. “Why?”

“No addiction talk, remember?”

Her eyes widen. “I’m not…I’m asking you about the beach?”

“It overlaps.”

Gwen sighs. “Are you ever gonna tell me?”

“Yes, but not today.”

She nods. “Do you like the water?”

His face brightens again as he looks down at her, a soft smile tugging on his lips.

“For sure. Back in Oklahoma I used to swim in the stream behind my house all the time, grew up doing that in the lake. I have something for nature’s creations that I just can’t leave alone.”

“I’m sure it’s beautiful back there.”

He hums. “You should come see it sometime.”

She nearly chokes on air, her hand rubbing the back of her neck.

“Are you asking me to come see your home?”

He shrugs. “Not if it’s gonna scare you half to death again.”

“Again?”

“This morning when you woke up.” He tells her, knowingly. “You looked terrified.”

She closes her eyes, shaking her head.

“Has anybody ever told you how annoying it is when you read them without permission?”

He chuckles. “I’ve been called annoying for a lot of things, but never that.”

She purses her lips. “I think they lied to you.”

He smiles widely, stopping his steady strides in the sand.

She stops too, looking at him confused when he turns to look at her, his tall frame blocking the sun from behind him. “I think I’m just good at reading _you_ , Gwen.”

Her heart-rate speeds up.

“Lucky me.” She whispers.

“Do _you_ like the water?”

“I like the ocean.”

“Good.” He answers pointedly, pulling her against his chest before wrapping his arms around her waist.

“What—“ Her question dies on her tongue when he starts dragging her towards the coastline, her feet starting to kick around her playfully. “Blake, don’t.”

She giggles while trying to break free from his hold, throwing her head back to look at him.

“Blake, you _can’t_!”

“Oh but I can.” He chuckles, her giggles evaporating when her feet hit the water.

She knows it only takes him letting go of her to crash into the ocean, clothes and all, and she manages to turn herself around in his arms, trying to stop him from walking her further backwards.

“Blake, please we just showered. My hair.” She giggles, before shaking her head. “I don’t want it wet.”

His arms wrap tightly around her back, not throwing her in but not releasing her either.

“I don’t know….” He says, pretending to think it over. “I kinda really wanna see it.”

“Blake, _please_.”

She lets her hands run up his chest, getting lost in the blue of his eyes for a second.

“What do I get in return?” He teases.

The water at her heels makes her squeal, her hands gripping his shirt as she pushes herself closer to him.

She thinks fast, eyes widening. “You get ten minutes to ask me whatever you want to ask me, and I _have_ to answer.”

He backs her further backwards, her feet now completely immersed into the water.

“Anything?”

“Yes, Blake, oh my God.” She squeals as he nearly lets her go, her arms grabbing his. “Anything but about my brother. He’s off limits for obvious reasons.”

He scoffs. “You really think I’m gonna let you give me ten minutes and then waste any of ‘em by asking about anything _but_ you?”

She smiles, holding onto him tightly. “Can you _please_ back me away from the water now?”

His eyes darken, but he does nod.

“I gotta say, I do like it when you beg me.”

She slaps his chest, sighing in relief when he turns her away from the ocean and onto the dry land again.

“You’re crazy.”

She feels her heart-rate return to normal now she’s no longer threatened to be thrown into the ocean, and she blames her relieved mind for reaching for his hand as they walk.  
  
She doesn’t even realize what she’s done until she feels Blake tighten his grip on her, intertwining their fingers. Her heart skips a beat but she doesn’t dare to pull away, something about his touch electrifying her even when it’s innocent like this.

She clears her throat, needing the distraction.

“Your ten minutes have started.”

She hears him chuckle lowly.

“I Googled you a few nights ago.” He admits, a soft grin on his mouth as she looks up at him.

“Oh God.” She whimpers, rolling her eyes.

“I know better than to believe everything I read.” He says, squeezing her hand. “You were married?”

Her failed marriage is not exactly what she considers small talk, but she did tell him he could ask her anything and she’s not about to come back on that.

“I was. Thirteen years.”

“That’s an accomplishment in itself.”

“It doesn’t matter how long it lasted, all that matters is that it does. Which it didn’t.”

“What happened?” He asks softly, threading carefully.

“He thought he was God’s gift to women and for a while, I believed that too.” She admits softly, hating how her voice immediately sounds more laced with emotion. “I wanted it all with him, felt that way from the very beginning. I guess I was too blind and too stubborn to let it go for all but a decade.”

“You make it sound like a bad thing.” He observes.

“I held on to a marriage that was nothing but tragedy, what would _you_ call it?”

“You loved hard.” Blake answers simply. “You made a commitment, spoke vows and you took them seriously. You wanted it to work out and you fought for it.”

She scoffs. “Look where it got me.”

“What made you give up?” He asks finally.

“He broke me.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“You would if you knew all the crap he pulled.”

Blake nods, walking slowly with her down the beach, never once letting go of her hand.

“What did he do?”

She closes her eyes, the weight of her next words never becoming any easier.

“My assistant.”

She hears Blake’s soft and gentle gasp. “ _Jesus_.”

“They left together when I confronted him about it.” She continues, the truth pouring out of her like a leaking faucet. “He didn’t even try to deny it. It’s how I knew it was over; at least all the other times he tried like hell to hide it, kept telling me how sorry he was and how it would never happen again. He didn’t say any of that the last time.”

Blake stops walking again, this time tugging at her hand to urge her to stand in front of him.

His hand cups the side of her face. “He’s a jackass, I don’t even have to know him personally to know that. You are otherworldly; he didn’t deserve you.”

Her breath gets stuck in her throat.

She swallows roughly. “I’m not all that.”

“You’re the woman who rocked my entire world in a hotel and never left my mind since. You’re also the only woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t walk on eggshells around me. You gave it to me straight even when I didn’t like it. Even if all of it wasn’t necessarily fair.”

Gwen casts her gaze down, knowing they agreed on not talking about his addiction, but her apology weighs heavy on her tongue.

“I owe you an apology.” She says softly, leaning into the hand on her face. “When I saw you at Todd’s NA meeting, I said some things…”

Blake stays quiet, his gaze piercing hers. It dawns on her that he’s not saving her from her own inadequateness.

“I shouldn’t have said those things.” She whispers, biting her lip. “I was just scared and I still am, but I had no right to say what I said to you. I don’t know anything about your journey, at least not enough to judge. I want you to know I’m not usually a judgemental person, I really am not, I just— “  
  
“Hey.” He cuts her off, his thumb pressing onto her lower lip. “It’s all good. You’re giving me one day, right?”

She nods softly, her eyes dropping to his hand on her mouth, his finger salty on her lips.

“It’s all I could ever ask of you.”

“So you’re not gonna ask for another day?” She dares to ask.

He smiles at her, dropping his hand and finding hers again. She lets herself be tugged along the shoreline again, breathing in the fresh air surrounding them.

“Let’s take it one step at a time.”

She knows if it were up to him, he’d probably ask her for more than a few days, and she’s starting to realize she doesn’t want it to end here either.

Even when she’s still not convinced she should be entertaining this.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” She asks, the air becoming a little bit chillier and the inevitable moment of going home is becoming increasingly closer.

“Well, you _did_ promise me a _full_ day.”

Gwen smiles—It’s a promise she no longer has any objections about making good on.

* * *

“You ever thought about getting any tattoos?” He asks lowly, tracing her arm with his finger after she’s been exploring his for the last few minutes.

She’s laying in between his legs, her head on his chest and her feet stretched out on the couch. Blake’s lazily drawing circles on her skin, from her elbow back to her wrist.

“Not a chance.”

“What’s wrong with tattoos?”

She shrugs against him, letting herself melt into his chest some more.

“I just never saw the appeal of them.”

“Ouch.”

She chuckles. “It suits you, just don’t go overboard with it.”

She can feel the vibration of his laughter behind her.

“I wasn’t planning on getting any more.”

She hums, enjoying the peace and quiet they’ve got going on in the room; the day officially coming to an end here in his arms.

She dreads the moment he’ll leave and she wonders if he’ll stay another night.

“You said you’re from Oklahoma.” She suddenly muses, remembering his earlier words. “Why are you here in LA?”

“Used to be for work.” He says, continuing to slowly trace her wrist. “Now I’m just here because I am, no reason really, except for this moment right here.”

His words are perfect enough to nearly trick her into believing this could actually work out. But she forces herself to stay on track, not letting his sweet words deter her.

“You’re an artist. There’s always work to be done, right?”

“Not for me, there isn’t.”

She squints her eyes though he can’t see it, focusing on the movements of his hand on her.

“Don’t you miss it?”

He’s quiet for a few beats, before shaking his head.

“My career has brought me some amazing gifts, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also the thing that almost got me killed. I don’t have much of a desire to go back to that.”

His words are supposed to make her feel full of hope and awe, but instead they make her incredibly sad. She knows first-hand how important music is to her happiness and healing, and she can’t imagine having to walk away from it.

“So what’s your plan?” She asks softly.

“My plan is not to talk about it right now, Gwen.” He says, causing her to still in his arms. Sensing her surprise, he sighs and relents eventually. “I don’t have a plan. I’m just taking it one day at a time.”

Gwen hums, realizing this is sensitive territory for him.

“Do you still write?” She asks, looking up at him from her place on his chest. “I know from personal experience that writing songs is the most therapeutic thing for me.”

He bites his lip. “It’s never truly been an outlet for me like that.”

“Then what is?”

“We promised not to talk about that.”

The honesty of his answer shocks her, her eyes closing by default.

Despite him being off drugs for over a year, it remains the first thing he thinks of when listing his truest outlet. Gwen nearly chokes up at the realization.

“You have that look on your face again.” He tells her.

“My eyes are closed.”

“I can still see it.”

She snaps them open again, pushing herself off him and into a sitting position between his legs. She turns her head to look at him, lips slightly parted.

“I was just asking you some simple questions, I can’t help it if….” She swallows roughly, not interested in ruining what’s been such a perfect day. “I don’t know what else you want from me. I did what you asked of me today.”

Blake sits up more too, wrapping his arms around her and placing a soft kiss on the back of her neck.

“Do you like me, Gwen?”

Her breathing hitches, her body immediately tensing against him.

“W-what?”

“Simple question.”

She shakes her head, gasping when his hands start roaming welcomingly across her waist and back, all the way up to her shoulders and neck.

“It’s not simple.”

“You try to remind yourself of the fact I’m an addict each time you feel yourself opening up to me, in an attempt to keep me out.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

“And I would let you do that if I could, but I can’t, because I like you, Gwen.”

“ _Why_?” She whispers.

“Too many reasons to name right now.” He says lowly, his voice once again affecting her immensely. “I guess you’ll have to give me some more days if you want to find out the answer to that question.”

She closes her eyes, breathing out loudly. “I know you think this is possible, but I’m terrified and one day it’s going to blow this whole thing up and you’re gonna regret ever getting close to me.”

“We all have demons, Gwen. I’m not special.”

“But you are.” She whispers sadly, leaning into him as she feels his mouth pressing into the side of her cheek. “You are everything I want and everything I want to stay away from all wrapped in one, and do you even know what that does to me?”

“I know that it scares you.”

She bites her lip to keep from crying.

“Between my ex-husband and my brother, my faith in men isn’t exactly high.” She admits, flustered. “I’m tired and hurt, and it’s not fair to you to even let you get close to me.”

He hums, laying back down again and taking her with him. His arms stay wrapped around her, keeping her close to his chest.

“You see, it’s too late for that baby…” He whispers, seemingly unafraid to usher these admissions out in the open. “I already am close to you.”

“You can still get out.”

“I don’t want to.”

“ _Blake_.”

“Do you want me to?” He asks calmly, his arm tightening around her stomach. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

The answer lays on the tip of her tongue, but she can’t get that type of dishonesty to actually leave her lips.

His hand moves up to her chest, carefully skimming over the swell of her breast. She feels her heart hammering right on time again, her head melting into his shoulder as he feels her up.

“Because I think you’d miss me.” He says confidently, tipping her head up with his free hand and brushing her lips with his own. “Wouldn’t you?” He asks on a whisper.

She can’t possibly answer him verbally, her words all getting stuck in her throat. Instead, she nods against him, softly kissing him back.

The moment gets interrupted by her phone on the coffee table, her lips disconnecting from his with a _pop_.

He’s left looking at her with all the hunger in the world and if it weren’t for her phone’s continuous buzzing, she would’ve dragged him back to her bedroom.

She forces herself away from him, leaning over to the table to snatch up her phone. The moment the other voice on the other end of the line reaches her ears, she knows the peaceful day with Blake is about to come to an abrupt ending.

Blake stares at her intensely, his hand reaching for hers as he notices the tension creeping back into her body. She lowers the phone from her ears after a few minutes, fighting back tears in her eyes.

“Gwen?”

She tugs her hand away from him, using it to swiftly brush underneath her eyes, angrily wiping away a stray tear.

“Who was that?” Blake asks, this time more sternly, obviously feeling protective.

Gwen sniffs, pushing herself off the couch, trying to regain her composure. She knows it isn’t fair, but she feels the misplaced anger directed towards him again.

Blake seems to notice but doesn’t back down, his eyes staring deeply into hers.

“That was Jen, Blake.” Gwen says strictly, trying to keep any and all emotion from her voice, hoping she can fool him into thinking she’s not completely falling apart. “Apparently Todd is on his way over here. _High_.”


	6. We Flew Off the Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a heavy chapter, lots of dialogue and mentions of drug use. That’s my little trigger warning. I hope I can keep you all interested for the rest of this ride. Thanks for all the comments on the previous chapters - I’m so lucky ❤️

She kept her gaze away from Blake’s at all costs. She knew she was close to breaking down and she didn’t want to show him any weakness, especially not now. She needed to be strong and a weird sensation inside her told her she couldn’t be that with Blake there.

She stops pacing around her kitchen for a few minutes and slams shut one of the cabinets after retreating a glass from it.

Blake is standing opposite from her, behind the kitchen island. His hand is prompted against the granite, and she can feel the burn of his gaze on the back of her neck.

“You don’t have to stay.” She says without turning around.

“I’m not leaving you alone right now.” He says simply, his voice determined and much stronger than hers sounds.

She turns around, slamming the glass down on the counter harder than she intended to.

“I don’t need you to babysit me, Blake. I’m a big girl, I can handle myself.”

He must see the storm in her eyes, because he doesn’t try to dissolve the angst at all and cuts right to the chase.

“Your brother is on his way here after doing God knows what. I know you can handle whatever is coming because you’ve already had to do it a bunch of times before, I’m sure. Only difference is that today you won’t have to do it alone.”

She is _pissed_. She’s livid at the fact that her perfect day with Blake has to end in such darkness and she’s feeling undeniably hopeless at the repeat of events that continue to loom over her life. She’s angry because for once, she doesn’t feel like she can be the strong one and the impending nerves about her brother’s presence here at any moment is nearly enough to kill her.

“You shouldn’t be here when he’s like this.” She expels the words with distaste as she leans her arms on the kitchen island in frustration.

“I don’t need you to babysit me.” He answers, using her earlier words against her.

“How many times are we going to do this?”

“Do what?” He asks, and she can’t help but scoff.

“Pretend like we’re stronger than we are.” She says, her eyes nearly begging him to challenge her. “It’s not like I’m asking you to help me with my little brothers scraped fucking _knee_. He’s going to get here, high out of his mind, tempting you with everything you swore off.”

“Is that what you think this is?” Blake asks her slowly, and the genuine disdain in his voice surprises her. “Trust me Gwen, seeing someone high and destructive towards themselves and others is not what gets my motor running, it’s not exactly the sight that makes me thirsty to go back to that life.”

The passion in which he speaks the words is evident and she feels the overwhelming sense of guilt wash over her.

‘No’ is the word she should’ve said, because it would’ve been the honest answer, but instead she holds on to the only thing she’s got left— _adrenaline_.

“If there’s one thing I just can’t figure out, it’s the way an addict’s brain works.”

She thought if she’d verbalize it she would start to believe it, but the lie just makes her throat constrict and the distant prod of tears begin to overwhelm her.

She’s waiting for Blake to register what he’d just seen in her eyes and call her out on it. She had come to expect from him to come back with the harsh truth, but the sound of her doorbell ringing effectively pauses any further conversation.

Gwen’s eyes widen before she’s rushing herself out of the kitchen, away from Blake, and towards the front door.

She can tell Blake followed her out into the hallway, but he stays back enough to not be seen immediately when she opens the door.

Todd stands in front of her wide-eyed and visibly distraught, one hand rubbing the back of his neck while the other one has his car keys dangling off his fingers. Gwen nearly combusts at the sight.

“Please tell me you did _not_ fucking drive over here.” She hisses, not yet stepping aside to let him in.

“Your house is not exactly in walking distance.” He rebuttals, fidgeting on his feet. “Can you let me in?”

She shakes her head. “Why are you here? What are you doing?”

“She’s gonna leave me, Gwen.” He says incoherently, his voice sounding like he hasn’t slept in days, and then doubled down on it with a full bottle of vodka. “Fuck, she’s gonna take the kids and leave. I needed to get out of there before I would do something I’d regret…. I mean regret more than this.” He adds, shaking his head again. “Fuck, _fuck_. She means it this time, I think. She’s gonna leave.”

The words are out of her mouth before she can think about the magnitude of them.

“She should.”

There’s no sugar coating, no leisurely build up to the reasoning behind her words, just the pure and ugly truth. She wasn’t going to be patient with him and she realizes from the look in her brother’s eyes that today, all bets are off.

Todd takes a few steps back, slamming the flat of his hand against the wall next to her door. Gwen watches as he tries to regain his composure before he walks to stand in front of her again.

“I’m trying.” He tells her weakly, and she’s embarrassed by how much dislike she feels for him these days. “I’m trying to be better every day.”

Tears prick in her eyes. “You gotta do more than _try_ , Todd. You need to succeed or you’re gonna lose everything in your life, including your family.”

“God Gwen, you don’t think I know that?”

“Then why the fuck do you get high and then _drive_ over here?” She spits out at him, her anger getting the best of her. “Are you trying to get yourself killed? Is that it? Is that why you’re doing all this; you’re tired of failing so you’re just hoping to end it early?”

She involuntarily takes a step back when he takes one forward, his hand pushing against the door trying to get it to open more.

“It’s so easy for you to judge while you’re cooked up here in your bubble of mansions and silver gates, Gwen. You don’t know _half_ of the shit us _normal_ people deal with—you wouldn’t last a single day in my shoes.”

“You think I don’t deal with pain, or loss?” She shoots back, her feet behind the door keeping it from opening all the way, even with her brother’s insistent pushing. “I know life is hard, I know life is unfair, the difference is I don’t deal with my pain by shooting up and ruining the lives off the people I care about.”

“Fuck you, Gwen.”

Her breath staggers in her throat when he turns around, the car keys in his hand making her dizzy. She doesn’t want to invite him into her home again, but the prospect of him driving somewhere else is even worse.

“Get inside.”

He stops walking, but doesn’t immediately turn around. Instead, he staggers a little again, keeping himself upright by the wall next to him.

“Todd...” She whispers.

She’s relieved when he finally turns back around and follows her inside. The moment the door closes, he’s leaning himself against it, rubbing a hand over his mouth.

“What did you use?” She whispers, walking closer to him, attempting to grab his arm which he jerks back violently.

“ _Don’t_ ….” He hisses, eyes widening. “Don’t do that.”

Gwen scoffs.

“How much?” She asks.

He uses the last bit of strength to stride over to her, nearly stumbling over his feet but managing to stand in front of her, his finger pointing at her. “Stop patronizing me.”

She shakes her head in frustration, turning her back on him. “Go sit on the couch, I’ll bring you some water and we’ll talk about the rest later.”

“We’re not done talking yet.” He says instead, grabbing her arm roughly.

Gwen jerks hers back so forcefully, it causes him to stagger again, this time falling all the way back against her wall, trying to hold himself up.

She’s taken aback by what just happened, panic taking over at the anger in Todd’s eyes. The moment he’s back on his feet and walking towards her again, Blake’s voice cuts in from behind her.

He sidesteps her to get to Todd first, his body serving as a shield between her and her brother. She can’t see the expression on Todd’s face any longer, but she knows it must be one of great confusion.

“Blake, what…. why are you here?”

“How about we do questions later?” Blake counters, sliding his arm around Todd’s back. “Can you lean on me?”

“My whole fucking world is spinning man.”

“I know.” Blake states calmly, walking him into Gwen’s living room and sharing one quick reassuring look with her.

She just swallows roughly while making a bee-line for the kitchen and filling a large glass of water. When she’s back in the main room, Todd’s slumped back onto her couch with Blake right there next to him, his strong forearms resting on his knees.

Blake looks at her from where she’s bending forward to place the glass of water on the coffee table. She straightens up, swallowing roughly as she glares at her brother who’s laying back against the armrest.

“You have kids.” She reminds him softly.

“I know that.” He slurs.

“How can you do this to them?”

She notices Blake’s stare on her intensifying, but it doesn’t stop her from asking the things that are most persistent on her mind.

“What are you gonna do when they’re old enough to understand where you’re going, when they’re too old for Jen to keep lying to them?”

“ _I’m trying_.” He repeats, less angry this time, more desperate.

“And somehow you still always end up right here on my couch, intoxicated and pathetic.”

“Gwen!” Blake’s voice is soft but stern and she feels her heart breaking on the spot.

Dealing with the disappointment of her brother inability to stay on the straight and narrow is one thing, but to have Blake take _his_ side makes her want to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world forever.

“How do you know Gwen?” Todd asks Blake instead, looking over at him as if he’s seeing a ghost all the sudden.

“We’ve become friends.” Blake answers easily, with a quickness that jars her.

Something in Todd’s expression changes, dropping the subject.

“She doesn’t understand.” He says, glaring at his sister. “She never will. Does she think I love being here right now?”

Hearing Todd talk about her to Blake without actually addressing her makes her feel both agitated and desperate at the same time.

“It’s lonely being misunderstood.” Blake offers him. “I know all about that.”

Todd leans forward, arms over the knees, head hung low.

“Try staying upright.” Blake tells him, tapping him on the arm.

Gwen continues to stand back, her heart hammering.

Todd glares up at her suddenly. “You did this. You judge me and stop believing in me and then look at me like I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”

Gwen’s throat constricts, words leaving her.

“I don’t want to be here.” He continues, his voice becoming less and less audible. “I don’t want to lose my family, I don’t want to be the goddamn disappointment of your life, I don’t want _any_ of this.” He yells, using his hand to swipe out the glass of water from the table in front of him.

She winces and steps back when the glass shatters into pieces on the ground, water dripping from the table onto the ground below. Her brother stand up as if he’s going anywhere, and when he slumps back but misses the couch and instead sits down onto the ground in between the broken glass, Gwen softly calls out for Blake.

“Hey.” Blake warns him, squatting down in front of him. “Todd, hey, look at me.”

Gwen holds her breath, the sight in front of her so familiar yet not any less heartbreaking.

“You gotta pull it together, right now.” Blake tells him, his hand cupping his cheek, forcing him to look at him. “You might have a problem with your sister right now, but she’s letting you in here because she cares and I’m not just gonna stand by while you destroy her property and hurt yourself in the process. You need to start remembering what you were trying to forget when you decided to use tonight.”

Todd lowers his head again, mumbling out a few inaudible expletives. “I can’t.”

“Look up.” Blake demands him, and Gwen’s hit with surprise at the sudden strictness, a stark contrast to the soft and understanding approach he went with before. “Look at her.”

Gwen’s heart starts speeding up when Blake turns his head to look at her, before urging Todd to do the same.

“Look at your sister right now. Look at what you’re doing.” Gwen puts a hand in front of her mouth to stop the sobs from coming out, Todd’s gaze on her making her feel ten times more vulnerable, but Blake’s gaze might be the most powerful. “I know how easy it is to blame everyone around you for everything that’s wrong, but take at least a few seconds to see what your behaviour is doing. Look at her, don’t look away.”

She can tell her brother is struggling and she’s suddenly hit with an overwhelming amount of empathy. “ _Blake_.”

“We don’t just ruin ourselves when we go down that path, man.” Blake continues talking to Todd. “It’s our families, our friends, we break so many hearts while we try to forget ours. Was the high really worth this?” He motions with his head towards Gwen, her tear-soaked cheeks flushing again underneath their gazes.

When Todd looks away again, Blake starts nodding.

“You can’t even look at her. It hurts, I know it does.”

The first sounds of Todd’s sobs cause a few of her own to escape too, her heart breaking all over again.

“I don’t wanna lose ‘em man.” He cries weakly, one of his hands finding stability on Blake’s shoulder. “I can’t.”

“I know. I’ve lost more people than I can possibly count.” Blake admits, his hand squeezing Todd’s shoulder in return. “I’ve broken things, smashed and destroyed things that weren’t mine, I’ve been there brother. But you gotta look at them, _really_ look at them, see what you’re doing to your loved ones, don’t let yourself forget.”

The admission causes Gwen to hold her breath, and though she knows about Blake’s addiction now, it’s still a surreal experience to hear him talk about it.

“I don’t want to disappoint them.” Todd says, sniffing though his words, his body shaking slightly from both emotion and over usage of whatever drug he let himself indulge in tonight.

“It’s why we fuck up most times, right?” Blake asks him slowly, understanding.

“I think of how big the chance of me fucking up is and I just…. I don’t even feel like trying anymore. I just need to forget that fear as soon as it pops in my head.”

Blake looks back at her as if it’s something she needs to hear and she feels heat seeping into her chest, rising up her neck and flushing her cheeks. She’s praying that they can’t tell the way her body is practically ignited and frozen. She doesn’t know what to do and the feeling is so sinking, she almost loses the strength in her body to stay upright.

“Gwen, why don’t I drive him back home?” Blake asks her suddenly, his voice soft and patient. It makes her eyes well up again instantly.

“He shouldn’t be around the kids when he comes down tomorrow.” She whispers.

Todd looks up at the ceiling, nodding. “She’s right.”

“You can stay in the guest room.” Gwen says softly, addressing her brother again for the first time in nearly half an hour.

“Come on.” Blake tells him, standing up and carefully helping Todd to do the same. “Let’s get you to the guest room so you can sleep this off. We can talk a bit more while you show me the way. Give your sister some space.”

Gwen runs a hand over her mouth, her eyes assessing the amount of glass on the floor now Todd and Blake are no longer blocking the view.

She wants to thank Blake for taking over, but there are no words coming out of her mouth at all. There are no words of wisdom or a sudden profound epiphany—she was simply going to let them walk out of here without so much as a sound.

* * *

She’s brushing the last few glass shreds into the garbage bag, clenching her eyes shut as the images of the last few hours start replying in her head like a movie.  
  
She feels the mood shift in the room once Blake makes his entrance again, his figure squatting down next to her, taking the bag from her.

“Let me.”

She sniffles. “I’ve got it.”

He smiles at her sadly, his hand touching hers softly.

“Why don’t you go sit down for a second, Gwen?”

“Blake, I’m _fine_.”

“You’re shaking.”

Her eyes widen when he points it out, and she lets him pull her up to her feet, holding her in his embrace without trying to touch her further.

It’s the first time since Todd arrived at her house tonight that she’s been able to touch Blake, and she feels herself shivering.

His hands rub at her sides, softly kneading.

“It’s okay. He’s upstairs, it’s over.”

She shakes her head. “For tonight, maybe.”

“Let’s take it one step at a time.” Blake says sweetly, pulling her closer, his arms wrapping around her back. “Tell me what I can do for you, Gwen? What will help you calm down a little right now.”

“I don’t know.”

“At least sit down and let me take care of the mess on the floor, alright?” He asks while slowly directing her towards the couch.

She nods while sitting down, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. She focuses on the sound of Blake disregarding the glass pieces into the plastic bag, and his rummaging around the house.

It’s a strange yet comforting feeling to have him roaming around as if it’s normal, as if he’s been here a thousand times before.

She doesn’t know why tonight made her suddenly freeze up so much, but she’s thankful Blake decide to stay. She’s tempted to believe that perhaps he saw a truth in her eyes she wasn’t willing to accept before. Maybe he knew that she was close to her breaking point and another explosive situation with her brother would push her over the edge.

“You want me to run you a bath?”

His voice makes her snap open her eyes again, his tall frame standing in front of her.

Her eyes scan the living room floor, now completely clean of glass, no remnants of tonight’s events whatsoever. She inhales deeply, trying to get her shakes under control.

“I kinda just wanna sleep.” She admits, biting her lip. “Will you lay down with me?”

“Baby, I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He tells her, holding his hand out for her.

It’s certainly a little bit strange when he leads her to her bedroom, already familiar enough with the way. She holds onto his hand a little tighter when he turns around to head for the bathroom. He looks at her curiously and lets her toy with his fingers for a while before she gets the words out of her mouth.

“Thank you for tonight, Blake. I know I wasn’t much help.”

“You’ve done enough; it’s about time someone helps you carry the load.”

She sniffs. “I just didn’t know what to do anymore, seeing him like this…. it’s killing me.”

He cups the side of her face, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear with the other one.

“He’s gotten too used to having a place to come crash in.”

“What do you want me to do, send him back onto the streets?”

He shakes his head calmly. “I’m not attacking you, Gwen. I’m just saying that he knows he can come here whenever he fucks up and he’s taking it for granted. He’s got to start seeing it for what it is—a privilege.”

“How do we get _that_ to happen?” She scoffs sarcastically.

“He’s gotta really look.” Blake answers her seriously, brushing her cheek with his thumb. “Don’t hide your sadness from him.”

“You were the one who told me to basically calm down when I was being real with him earlier.” She says softly, still feeling some of the hurt about that.

“That was sadness disguised as anger.”

“Does it matter?”

Blake sighs softly, looking a bit torn as he contemplates his next words. Gwen is too curious to say anything else, patiently waiting him out.

He smiles at her briefly. “When I was hitting rock bottom, I was the most selfish I’d ever been. I was hurting people I cared about, I thought everyone was out to get me and that’s why I did what I was doing. I understand the notion of being so scared to disappoint, you gotta keep yourself high to be able to simply deal with that thought.”

“Are you still scared to let people down?” She whispers.

“All the time.” He answers honestly. “Back then, people kept things from me because they were scared it was gonna fuck me up even more, but the truth is I needed to know these things. I needed to see my mom completely break down because she was convinced I wouldn’t make it to another Thanksgiving dinner. I needed to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life to realize I couldn’t do it any longer. I had to _see_ instead of close my eyes to all of it.”

Gwen swallows roughly. “Is that why you kept telling Todd to look at me?”

Blake nods. “The only thing that’s worse than letting people down, is letting _yourself_ down. Todd doesn’t want to be the cause of _that_ look on your face, he loves you. Seeing that look of pain on your face, realizing its _him_ who caused it…. there’s nothing worse than that. There’s nothing more _emasculating_ than that.”

“Did he say anything else when you took him upstairs?” She asks on a whisper.

“Just that he was sorry.”

Gwen blinks away a few tears, leaning her head against Blake’s palm. “He always is.”

“One of these days he’s gonna get it right, Gwen. I know it might not look it, but he _is_ trying.”

“And up until that point, what do I do?” She shakes her head, sighing. “I can’t keep living this way.”

“Then don’t.” He kisses her forehead softly. “His fight isn’t yours. I know it might feel like that sometimes but your life does not have to stop just because he’s not ready to truly live his.”

“I’m always tense, I’m always thinking about what happens if I just go off the grit and not answer his calls for a while. I can’t escape it, ever.”

“You know, I go to Oklahoma sometimes to decompress and get away from LA. You could come with me some day. I know we talked about it playfully today, but I was serious; you’re always welcome to join me.”

Her eyes widen again, something about the invitation feeling incredibly committing.

“Cell service is horrible out there too.” He winks at her.

She laughs breathily at that, leaning forward to rest her head against his shoulder.

“You do know how to sell it.”

He chuckles. “You don’t _have_ to come. It’s just a suggestion.”

“I want to go with you sometime.” She says quickly, not wanting either one to change their minds. “I think it sounds lovely.”

“Yeah?” He asks, almost surprised to hear her say that.

She hums. “When things slow down a bit.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not expecting you to pack your bags tomorrow morning.”

She laughs softly, pulling herself away from him.

“Cuddle me in bed?”

The look in her eyes is so soft, she almost forgets about the dramatic events of this evening or her brother coming down in the guest bedroom.

“You never have to ask me twice.”


	7. I Swore Off That Stuff

She can’t get herself to sleep, even with Blake’s strong and protective arm draped across her stomach. 

The sound of rustling downstairs suddenly gets her attention, her body sitting up in the bed. Blake’s arm glides off her by default and she can tell he’s stirring awake by her sudden movement.

Blake’s eyes open slowly.

“Gwen, honey?”

She can hear Todd’s footsteps downstairs, the slamming of one of her kitchen cabinets causing her to sigh. 

Blake picks up on the sound now too, sitting up with her. “ _What_ — “

“It’s Todd.” She exhales, closing her eyes. “He does this.”

“Does what?” Blake asks confused. “What is he doing?”

“Rummaging through my kitchen, trying to find food. He’s always starving when he comes down.”

Blake rubs the back of his neck. 

“Do you want me to go check on him?”

“No.” She sighs, glancing over to the alarm clock on her nightstand, before laying back down. “Just stay here with me, please.”

Blake follows her down on the mattress, his hand cupping her cheek gently.

“Close your eyes baby.”

She does as she’s told, yet the tension doesn’t leave her body.

“How about I’ll lie with you until you fall back asleep and _then_ I’ll go downstairs to check on Todd? You like that idea better?”

She feels warmth spread through her at how well Blake seems to know her already and swallows roughly. 

She nods while feeling him tuck her closer to his body. Hers is able to relax just a little bit more because of it and she dares to close her eyes for real this time, chasing slumber until she’s found it.

* * *

‘I’m _so_ sorry, Gwen.”

Jen is looking at her filled with anguish, her eyes red and puffy. She can tell her sister in law hasn’t been getting much sleep, let alone last night while her husband was coming down in Gwen’s guest room.

Todd is sitting on the couch, staring mindlessly ahead while Jen leans against the wall in the hallway.

“This wasn’t your fault.” Gwen says, looking at her securely. “You gotta stop feeling guilty for his mistakes.”

“I should’ve come after him, called an Uber, anything. I shouldn’t have let you deal with him _again_.”

Gwen grimaces. “You have kids. You can’t just leave.”

Jen closes her eyes. “Still, I feel horrible.”

“I didn’t have to do it _all_ by myself.” Gwen says softly, biting her lip while she watches as Jen’s gaze seeks out Blake who’s sitting next to Todd on the couch.

Blake has been able to connect with her brother in a way Gwen hasn’t been able to do in years. Even now, when Todd can barely look her _or_ Jen in the eye, Blake is the only one who seems to make genuine contact with him.

“How do you feel about him being here?” Jen asks softly, turning her gaze back to Gwen.

It’s a loaded question, one she’s not necessarily ready to answer yet.

“Honestly?” She swallows roughly, about to admit to a truth that’s way too scary to face. “I don’t think I could’ve done it without his help last night.”

Jen smiles softly, a sad yet grateful look on her face.

“You deserve someone who can help you with all of this.” Jen says. “Not just with Todd, but with your own life, your own demons. It’s been too long since you’ve had someone genuinely be there for you.”

Gwen feels her chest tightening. It’s dangerous for her to let herself believe in the sweet sentiments her sister in law just spoke. Believing in Blake means giving whatever this is a chance—and nothing feels more scary than that.

“I guess.” Gwen whispers, grabbing Jen’s hand. “Promise me you’ll call me when you need help with him.” Her gaze goes back to her brother, worry and anger filling her all the same. “I don’t want you trying to do this all by _yourself_.”

Jen smiles. “You’ve always been the best at changing the subject.”

“Jen.”

“I promise.” She finally relents, her eyes closing before looking at Gwen pleadingly.

“What?” Gwen asks, immediately reading her expression.

“There is one thing I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

Gwen nods. “Anything.”

Jen inhales deeply. “I think it’s best if I spent some time with Todd alone, so I can really monitor him while also working on us…however much that’s possible.”

Gwen nods again, staying quiet.

“I could drop the kids off at your parent’s or at mine, but I feel like every time I do that they sense something is wrong.” Her voice becomes a bit quieter, obviously feeling heavy about the whole thing.

“Oh my God Jen, of course I’ll take the kids for a while.” Gwen offers, putting her sister in law out of her misery quickly. “You don’t even have to ask.”

Jen smiles before throwing her arms around her neck, pulling her in for a hug. “Thank you so much, Gwennie.”

Gwen wraps her arms tighter around her back, closing her eyes.

“We’ll have a good time; they won’t even realize anything is wrong. Just some quality time with their crazy auntie.”

Jen chuckles. “You know they love you, they adore being here.’

“They haven’t been here enough.”

Jen pulls back slightly, wiping at some moisture underneath her eye.

“Do you think you could take them for a small week, say Monday to Friday?”

Gwen smiles deeply. If there’s one thing she loves, it’s taking care of her brother’s children. She’s always wanted kids of her own, and the close bond she has with her niece and nephew only intensify the feeling.

“That sounds awesome.” Gwen confirms. “I’ll change some things around in my schedule, most things can be done via Zoom anyways.”

“Are you _really_ sure?” Jen asks again.

“Please stop worrying.” Gwen tells her, hugging her one more time. “I love having them here, so yes I’m sure.”

Blake and Todd walk their way when Jen motions for her husband to leave with her, and Gwen stands back as her sister in law shakes Blake’s hand for the second time since arriving here.

“It’s been nice meeting you.” Jen says, letting go of Blake’s hand. “Thank you for what you’ve done.”

Blake smiles. “Anytime.”

Todd avoids her gaze but hugs Blake goodbye, who whispers something in his ear she can’t quite make out. It hurts her when her brother doesn’t acknowledge her presence much before leaving, and she shakes her head when she catches Jen ready to fight him for it.

Gwen sighs as she watches them leave, closing her eyes when the door shuts and they’re left with a sudden quiet.

“I’m sorry about all of that.” Blake says softly, standing in front of her. “He’s just overcome with guilt. That’s on him, not you.”

Gwen nods her head. “I know.”

“He should’ve said goodbye.”

She shrugs. “It’s not the last time I’ll see him.”

It’s a heavy statement, because she knows every time she sees Todd, _could_ potentially be the last.

“Did you manage to get any sleep last night?” He asks, his hand rubbing her arm.

She opens her eyes, relishing in the soft touch he provides.

“It helped having you there.”

Her admission causes a soft expression to linger on Blake’s face.

“I’m glad I was here too.”

She bites her lip. “I have some studio time booked today.”

She grimaces when the words leave her, because she doesn’t want him to think she want him gone. It’s just reality once again intruding on them painfully.

“I was thinking about getting some things done around the house, maybe plan another trip back to Oklahoma.” Blake says, catching her drift.

It’s gonna be weird for her to suddenly be without him again, but perhaps a little distance wouldn’t hurt.

“Would it be okay if I took a quick shower ‘fore I leave?”

Gwen nods quickly. “Of course.”

He smiles softly before planting a brief kiss on her forehead. She keeps her gaze on him when he goes upstairs, ridiculously saddened by the prospect of him leaving.

If she thought she could control herself even a little bit, she’d follow him and join him into the shower. But she doesn’t have an ounce of self-control around this man and if she wants to make this any easier on herself, she should create a little distance starting now.

She finds herself cleaning the kitchen and living room, tidying up the place as if no one has been here at all last night. Any and all reminders of her brother’s relapse being erased from her living room, and then the guest room.

The shower is still running by the time she’s back in her own bedroom, her tired frame sitting down on the edge of the bed. The phone in her hand buzzes a few times with reminders of her studio session coming up and a few missed calls from her assistant.

She’ll have to call her back at some point, but for now, all her brain is capable of doing is thinking about the cowboy in her shower and how much better she’s come to know him in the last couple of days. There’s still a whole lot she’s unaware of too, which is ultimately why she allows her fingers to type in his name in the Google search bar on her phone, hundreds of articles popping up on her screen once she hits enter.

There’s one headline that captures her attention immediately, a picture of Blake accompanied with the text that causes her heart to beat just a little bit faster. He’s a little thinner, but that’s not what gets her attention—it’s the overwhelmingly glassy look in his eyes, the rough stubble that goes from his chin to part of his throat, and the way he’s angrily flipping off whoever’s taking that picture of him.

She tears her eyes away from the picture to scan over the text.

_**Blake Shelton goes on ‘epic binge’, alleged by his former band mate** _

_Blake’s former band mate, Ryan Lesly, opens up to Rolling Stone magazine. The former drummer and best friend of the country super star opens up about the ‘crazy binge’ that kept them up for days._

_“We would do so much cocaine, we wouldn’t sleep for days. I think we at some point lost at least a good 100 grand.” Ryan says, describing the dangerous yet thrilling experience with the country crooner._

_Blake’s team didn’t confirm this particular claim, but Ryan Lesly made it known to Rolling Stone that his admission isn’t meant to ‘harm’ the country singer._

_“It’s a dark page out of our book, for sure.” The drummer exclaims. “We were doing drugs, drinking, not really caring about waking up the next morning. It was a shallow way to live, but at least we got some awesome songs out of it.”_

Despite the ache in her chest, she can’t stop herself from clicking the video of two journalists seemingly discussing the article at hand.

_“It’s sad for sure.” One of the women exclaims. “You see one of country music most precious singers just go completely awry.”_

_“There is a silver lining here though.” The other journalist reacts. “Blake Shelton, who issued a statement through his team, has made it known that he’s making it a real point to not have any drug-fuelled songs on his next album, nor does he feel compelled to live that same live ever again. It’s the story of a man spiralling and pulling himself out and into clearer waters again.”_

_“It’s an age-old tale.” The woman replies, shrugging. “This is not the first time he’s issued a statement pretty much stating the same thing. Let’s just hope this time will be the last.”_

“Found what you were looking for?”

Gwen jumps from where she’s sitting on the bed, her head whipping around to watch Blake standing in the doorway, a towel hanging lowly around his waist.

She had been so wrapped up in listening and reading the information on her phone, she hadn’t heard him turning the shower off or returning into the bedroom.

She stares at him with a guilty expression, but he continues to smile at her.

“I’m sure there’s a _lot_ more you can find.” He continues.

“Blake.”

He steps further into the room, calmly walking towards the other side of the bed to retrieve his clothing.

“They’re not wrong.” Blake says slowly, pulling the t-shirt over his head and adjusting it. “I’ve issued the same statement at least four, five times before I got it right.”

Gwen exhales a broken breath, her stomach violently twisting and turning. She didn’t mean to once again question or judge his past, but she finds herself at the exact same position.

“I didn’t mean….” She shakes her head. “I wasn’t looking for anything.”

He smiles. “You just randomly found some tabloids about my addiction? Funny, that _never_ happens to me. You should get your phone checked.”

She stands up, making her way over to him, watching him intensely when he lowers his towel to get the rest of his clothes on.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers.

He pulls his belt through the loops of his pants before buckling it up. He steps closer to her until he’s able to pull her closer into him. Her hands press against his chest as he ushers her gaze up to his.

“I don’t care if you have questions, I would just rather have you ask _me_ instead of looking them up online.”

“You told me you didn’t want to talk about it.” She says softly, swallowing roughly.

“The one day is over.” He reminds her, smiling softly. “I’m starting to understand that maybe what I asked of you just isn’t possible. You can’t let it go yet and I can’t expect that of you either.”

She closes her eyes.

“I don’t want you to think I was looking for dirt on you.” She says on a whisper, her heart aching.

He backs away from her so he can sit on the edge of her bed, his deep blue eyes staring up at her.

“Okay.” He says, biting his lip. “Then what _were_ you looking for?”

“Nothing.” She answers quickly, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know. I guess you being so good with Todd last night just made me curious and I didn’t want to ask you because I promised not to. I didn’t even think about what I would find when I typed in your name, it just sorta happened.”

Blake hums. “Nothing they said is news to you.”

“You never gave me any details.” She says softly, looking down at him. “You still haven’t told me what actually made you stop and get clean.”

“My family was the reason I got my act together.” He answers simply. “I _did_ tell you that.”

“How was your family the reason?” She presses. “What happened to make you finally wanna get clean? Is it the thing that happened with your mother?”

Blake’s jaw clenches and she can see the sudden tension building within him.

“That made me realize I had to get my shit together, yeah.”

“What happened?”

He shakes his head. “Gwen, I’ll tell you all about it some other time. You know about my past, you know more than a lot of people do. Can that be enough for now?”

She feels her eyes becoming glassy, the force of his unwillingness to answer her question tightening her chest.

“This is why I look things up, Blake. You tell me things but it’s all vague.”

“I’m an addict, Gwen. I’m clean, but it will always be what I am. I fucked up so many times I lost count and everything you saw your brother do last night, I’ve probably done one too many times to someone else. I smoked, snorted and drank until I couldn’t remember my own freakin’ name, and it still never felt enough. How blunt do you want me to get? How vague am I being right now, Gwen?”

She turns her back on him then, not because she’s necessarily angry, but because of the many overwhelming emotions that threaten to break her. She slightly jumps when she feels his hands on her shoulders, turning her around to look at him again. His tall figure looms over her as he holds her close.

“I want to tell you about everything that happened, but not right now, it’s not the right time.” He says, his low voice doing something inside her. “Believe me, hearing about what made me clean up my act isn’t gonna help you at all right now.”

“I think you’re too scared to say it out loud.” She says instead, her voice soft despite her honest and harsh words.

He winces before nodding.

“You’re right. I hate that story and I hate having to tell it. These last twenty-four hours have been a lot on me too….” His deep breath sounds so painful she feels guilt and empathy flood her being with a vengeance. “I don’t think I can get myself to tell you right in this moment.”

Her hands cup his cheeks and she can tell he’s surprised by the motion, his eyes softening at her touch.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, her voice breaking. “I’m being selfish.”

“You’re not.”

“I didn’t want you to be here for all of this, you know that.” She continues, holding on to him. “I knew it could possibly be too much and I hate that I put you through that.”

He shakes his head. “ _You_ didn’t put me through anything.”

“Are you gonna be okay?” She whispers, the question haunting her ever since waking up this morning, and now more than ever with the prospect of him leaving to go home soon.

He smiles softly, grabbing her hand off his face and leading her back to the bed. “ _Come ‘ere.”_

She follows his lead easily, squinting her eyes when he pushes them both to lie down, both on their side facing each other.

“I’m good. This day hasn’t pushed me over the edge or whatever you’ve got cooked up in that busy brain of yours.” He tells her, his finger tracing her chin and bottom lip.

“Okay.” She breathes, unable to do or say much else when he’s looking at her like _that_.

He makes a come-hither motion with his finger, and it’s too easy for her to comply. He pulls her closer to his body, nipping at her lip with his mouth just the way she likes it.

Her hand slides up the back of his neck, gripping the hairs in his nape as she kisses him back with the same ferociousness. Her tongue tangles with his for dominance, but neither one are in a hurry, keeping the kisses deliciously slow and damn near lazy.

He explores her in every sense of the word; licking, nipping, sucking. It isn’t long before she’s letting out whiny moans against his lips, completely at his mercy.

She manoeuvres a leg between his, simultaneously grinding against his thigh and teasing his growing hardness between his legs.

“You don’t play fair.” Blake murmurs lowly, trying to back away his hips.

“Never did.”

Blake can’t seem to come up with a witty response to that, so instead he finds her lips again and kisses her silent.

She knows she’s supposed to be at the studio in an hour and Blake said he had things to do back at home, but they seem to forget all about that while they kiss and rut against each other.

They don’t stop until Blake holds her off when she goes for another kiss, his face screwing up as he fights his desires. She’s looking at him wild and breathless, realizing immediately how easy it had been for Blake to make her forget about everything else, easing her worries in the best way.

“Thank you.” She whispers as he gently pushes away her leg from in between his and rubs her arms to calm down a little.

She doesn’t have to elaborate on what she’s thanking him for; he understands even her unspoken words.

“Call me, alright?”

She chuckles. “Are you scared that I won’t?”

She meant the words to be sarcastic, but Blake quickly replies on a more serious note.

“Ball’s in your court.” He deadpans with a smile.

She sighs softly, afraid that the little bit of distance will be enough for Blake to realize she's not what he wants. 

"When will I see you again?"

Blake smiles at her softly. "That's up to you, sweetheart."

"Don't do that, please."

He frowns. "What am I doing?"

"Making it all come down to me. I'm not the only one with a life, I'm not the only one calling the shots."

Blake nods. "You're right. But I'm gonna be here as long as I need to be here and my schedule will be clear as long as I'm not traveling back home."

"What about work?"

"What about it?"

She shakes her head. "Don't you miss it?"

"I already told you, it's not something I'm planning on going back to anytime soon."

He kisses her softly and only then does she realize she closed her eyes again. She kisses him back only briefly, knowing it's too easy for her to lose herself in the heat of his mouth, his slick tongue making her forget all about what's important.

"Music is what makes you happy though." She whispers against his lips, creating a little bit more distance.

"I prefer my health over anything these days, Gwen."

"It's not music's fault." 

He chuckles. "You defend music like it's a person."

The statement stuns her, because perhaps that's exactly her fear; _she_ won't ever be able to let music or her career go, not in the way Blake has seemed to have sworn it off. What if being with her means being with _music_? What if she ends up being the thing to drag Blake back to where he started.

"I just want you to be happy." She sighs, staring at him. "I don't think it's right you have to give up such a big part of your life just because it exposed you to toxicity too."

"I am happy." He says simply, nodding. "Right here, right now. I'm happy when I'm back home, when I'm surrounded by nature. I'm happy every day I don't fall of the wagon. I don't need nothing else."

"I'm not trying to push you or anything..." She says, feeling incredibly burdened by her own desire to help him.

"I know you're not."

She nods. " _So_....about seeing each other?"

Blake bites his lip. "I'm gonna be here until at least the end of the week."

"I might be babysitting Todd's kids by then."

His eyes widen. "That's good, right?"

Gwen smiles. "Yeah."

"I'm sure they love being here."

He must sense the overload of emotions that suddenly clog her throat, because he's softly caressing her arm, sliding his fingers down to the palm of her hand. 

"I miss them." She croaks out. "They're _everything_ to me."

She really doesn't want to have the conversation they're about to embark on though and she's glad when Blake seems to take notice.

"Whenever you don't have them, then."

Gwen smiles. "So next week?"

"Next week works."

"You won't be in Oklahoma?"

Blake continues to stroke the inside of her hand. "I can wait a few days."

" _What are we doing?_ " She whispers, not necessarily expecting Blake to have a solid answer for her, but asking it nonetheless. 

They've never truly talked about what they are yet, and though she's terrified to have that conversation, she at least wants to know she's not the only one thinking about it.

"I don't know." Blake answers honestly. "We'll figure it out together. It won't always be easy, but I'm thinking it's worth exploring, don't you think?"

"I don't expect it to be easy." Gwen replies softly.

"But it doesn't have to be insanely hard either." He tells her, his eyes honing in on her. "Look, I know you're scared and you have every right to be. I just need to know I'm not totally imagining things when I think there's something here. Something real."

He flashes her a small and vulnerable smile, hooking his fingers through hers. 

She gives his hand a soft squeeze, pulling at it until the space between their bodies disappears. "You're not imagining things."

"Then everything else doesn't matter right now, pretty girl." He reminds her, kissing her forehead. "One day at a time, we don't rush things, we just see what happens."

She wants to ask him if this means they're exclusive, if this means they're dating, but none of the questions make it out of her mouth. He's giving her something easier; something less distinctive. She'll hold on to that for now, distrusting her own mind's ability to not ruin a good thing. 

At least this way, she can keep seeing him without a label, without calling it what it really is --an _addiction_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have some time, please let me know what you think! Feedback, requests, constructive criticism— it’s all welcome <3


	8. We Ain't Leaving This Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning folks, this is a really heavy (and really long) chapter, but I hope the end will leave you guys as hopeful as I felt while writing it.

Her fingers are threading through the water plummeting from the faucet, washing the dishes while listening in on the happy chatter coming from the living room.

It fills her chest with such reverence whenever she’s got her niece and nephew there, enjoying their time and expressing their youthful excitement. It would feel like a sign to her that she was doing good, and the world wasn’t all that bad. She knows better than to run too deep down that rabbit hole, knowing it’s a bitch to climb out of. She can’t risk feeling that low around the children, so she pushes that feeling down for another time.

She rinses the last of the dishes, drying her hands with the cloth hanging over the counter.

She finds Stella and Leo cuddled up together on the couch, the loud cartoon still playing on the television. Gwen doesn’t have the heart to break it up, even when it is getting pretty late. Stella is the first to notice her and motions with her tiny hands for her to join them. Gwen smiles before doing just that, basking in the joy of her niece immediately leaning into her side.

Stella has been like a daughter to Gwen ever since she was born. She’d probably argue that these children are the only reason she’s still giving Todd a chance.

“It’s getting really late.” Gwen says softly, brushing a strand of hair out of Stella’s face. “Leo needs to go to sleep soon.”

“A little bit longer?” She whines.

Gwen smiles and then sighs.

“Just a few more minutes.”

A few more minutes turns into another forty-five minutes and Leo’s practically asleep already by the time she carries him upstairs. He wakes up long enough to brush his teeth and wander sleepily into the guest room. Gwen tucks him in, pressing a soft kiss on his forehead before heading back downstairs.

Gwen frowns when her eyes land on the couch, now completely vacated.

“Stella?” She calls out softly, not wanting to disturb Leo who she’d just gotten to bed.

Her eyes fall onto a small figure sitting at the kitchen counter, her elbows leaning on the granite as her head hangs lowly. Gwen’s immediately alarmed, but doesn’t show it as she slowly enters the kitchen. She runs a gentle hand up her niece’s back, announcing her presence and her comfort at the same time.

“Hey beautiful girl, are you alright?”

Stella looks up at her with big eyes, and it hits her how much she looks like her father when she does that. Gwen’s momentarily taken aback by it, but quickly recovers when the eleven-year-old speaks.

“Why has it been so long since we stayed over here?” She asks softly, her eyes slowly filling with tears.

Gwen’s chest aches at the sight.

“It’s been a really busy time.” Gwen starts softly, her hand continuing to rub her back. “And you and your brother were in school, and— “

“Is it because of dad?” She cuts her off, her eyes now threatening to leak the moisture that’s collecting in there.

Gwen immediately sits down in the stool next to her, forcing her head up with gentle fingers on her chin.

“I always want to see you guys, _always_.” Gwen informs, trying to keep her voice from breaking. “I’m sorry if you felt like I didn’t. I miss you and your brother all the time when you’re not here.”

“My dad isn’t doing well anymore, is he?”

Gwen’s heart breaks, anger and sadness spilling into the cracks of her heart. This is why she could never forgive her brother for the choices he’s been making, even when deep down, she’s beginning to doubt how much of a choice it actually is.

“He’s struggling.” Gwen answers honestly, knowing her niece is old enough now to see through the lies about her father’s addiction. “He loves you so very much though, he tells me that all the time.”

“Do _you_ love him?”

“Of course.” Gwen exhales, her throat constricting painfully.

“You should come over more; you used to bring make-up and do my hair.”

Gwen bites her lip, her skin crawling at the idea of the kids thinking she doesn’t want to be around them.

“I will come over more.” She promises, forcing a soft smile on her face. “And you can always call me, I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”

Stella’s mood seems to blossom into something more positive, but she can tell the younger girl still has a bit of a guard up. It’s a sight and feeling Gwen knows all too well.

“Can I ask you something?” She asks hesitantly, the nerves in her face enough to make Gwen anxious.

“Always.”

Stella bites her lip. “Are you lonely?”

Out of all the questions she could’ve asked, Gwen wasn’t expecting that one.

“Why do you ask that?” Gwen breathes out softly, not sure if she’s stalling or just genuinely surprised.

Her niece shrugs. “You seem a little sad.”

Gwen runs a hand through Stella’s hair affectionately, pressing her lips together while she thinks. She knows the answer to that question, but she doesn’t quite know how to word it. The truth is, she _has_ been lonely. It’s a feeling that evaporates completely when she’s with Blake, but every unwanted reminder of Blake’s past puts her right back to feeling the loneliest.

She swallows roughly. “I am sometimes. But I’m really happy now that you and your brother are here.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

Gwen’s breath gets stuck in her throat, her eyes widening.

“No, I don’t.”

Somehow her niece seems disappointed by that news.

“I hope you get a boyfriend, Gwenny.”

She lets out a soft chuckle, the nerves and sudden adrenaline in her body causing her to fidget a little.

“And why’s that, cutie?” Gwen asks, managing to sound somewhat composed.

“So you can watch movies with someone when we’re not here.” Stella answers simply. “That way you won’t be sad and always have someone to count on. My mom says that’s the most important thing in the world.”

Gwen nods breathlessly.

“Your mom’s right, that’s super important. And you know what?”

Stella’s eyes widen. “What?”

“I _do_ have someone I can count on.”

Her niece’s eyes light up. “Who?”

“Besides you?” Gwen smiles, earning a bright laugh from the young girl. “A very special friend who’s been helping me out a _lot_.”

“Is this friend your boyfriend?”

Gwen chuckles. “No boyfriend, remember?”

Sitting at the kitchen counter with her niece, she’s starting to realize just how confused she is about what exactly her and Blake are. It continuous to eat at her, but she’s determined not to show it.

“When I get a boyfriend, we’re gonna travel the world.”

Gwen lets out a surprised laugh. “That so?”

Stella hums. “First Italy, then Japan, and maybe Africa. He can come up with the rest so he doesn’t get angry.”

Gwen frowns. “Why would he get angry?”

“Because I didn’t give him a chance to choose a destination, duh! It’s not really about _where_ we go anyway. As long as we can count on each other.”

Gwen feels emotion rise in her chest, the way her niece looks at love sounding so familiar to what Gwen has tried to believe and hold on to all these years.

“ _Yeah_.”

“Just like you can count on your friend.” Stella redirects the conversation with ease. “So nothing else really matters.”

The black and white analysis of her niece does affirm one thing to her. Despite Blake’s past, there hasn’t been a time since she’s known him that she _couldn’t_ count on him. All her doubts about him are coming from a time where she was unaware of him. Perhaps it’s not right to judge solely on the stories she’s heard, instead of going off on the things he’s actively shown her.

She bites her lip again.

“Your future boyfriend is going to be super lucky, sweet girl. Now put that smile back on your face—it’s your turn to pick a movie.”

* * *

“Blake, are you getting yourself into trouble over there?”

He wants to chuckle at his mother’s voice, but he knows there’s an abundance of nerves and genuine worry ingrained in her question.

He keeps the low sound from escaping his throat and shakes his head, gripping the phone a bit tighter.

“I’m fine. I’ve got some things I gotta do here before I come back. I’ll make it home next week, I promise.”

His mother sighs. “We’ve been missing you out here.”

Blake closes his eyes, the disbelief and hurt in his own heart making him want to fight her statement, but he knows it won’t do them any good.

“You’ll be my first stop when I land.” He says, the promise the only thing he can muster up in response to his mom’s words.

“Your sister is worried.”

Now he can’t help but let out the bitter chuckle he’s been holding in, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, she’s really _dying_ to see me.” He huffs.

“Blake.”

He rubs a hand over his mouth, trying not to let anger and frustration get the best of him.

“I’m trying, you know?”

“I know you are.” Dot affirms. “So is your sister; it’s just complicated.”

“What’s so complicated about opening the door when your brother shows up with a gift?” He retorts. “ _Your_ gift.”

He knows the answer to that question, but it doesn’t prevent him from asking it anyway. He knows he’s fucked up and the blatant dismissal of his sister towards him probably serves him right for all the shit he’s put them through. It doesn’t make it sting any less though, and the old bottle of whiskey he had to bring back to his mom, untouched, had burned him in the worst way. She had given it to him to give to his sister, a gift from her that was also meant as an excuse for Blake to go see them, but he hadn’t been let in. She had simply shot him a text, asking him to get off her property.

“She’s hurt.” His mom says softly, and he can hear the pain in her own voice. It fills his chest with a level of self-hatred that he knows is dangerous. “You gotta be patient with her, Blake. Give her some time.”

“All I’m saying is I don’t think she misses me.”

“And all I’m saying is that you’re wrong and it’s terribly selfish of you to think she’s doing _any_ of this because she doesn’t want to see you.”

Blake clicks his tongue, falling for the bait. “Then what is her reason for keeping me out?”

“Because every time she’s let you in, you betrayed her trust.”

Blake feels the sting behind his eyes, but no tears come out.

“It’s been months, I’ve gotten my act together.”

“Just keep going like that.” Dot tells him, but he can hear the silent plea in her words. “Show her it’s for real this time.”

“I can’t live my life just waiting for her.” He says softly, the words eerily identical to another situation in his life.

“I understand.”

He sighs. “I’m doing better, but if you’re the only one who wants to see me when I come home, that’s okay with me. I don’t want to force anything, it’s not worth it to me anymore—I don’t think I have it in me.”

Though he’s not in front of his mother right now, he can picture her proud yet sad smile at hearing his words.

“I’m proud of you son.” She says sweetly. “You’re always welcome here, you know that.”

Out of everyone, it should probably be his mother who should shut him out of everything, but instead her home is the only place he finds genuine care and solace in whenever he’s back in Oklahoma. He loves going back to his own ranch, spending his days hunting and fishing, away from the rest of the population. But he’s lost most of his friends there and half of his family won’t even give him the time of day.

It’s one of the things he wants to spare Todd the most. He knows Gwen’s close to her breaking point, he’s seen it happen with his own sister. There’s not much that can prepare you for the loneliness that follows after being cut off from certain people. He doesn’t wish it on anyone, especially not Gwen’s brother.

“I do know that.” He says, his eyes catching on to a movement on the television, the muted programme now covering showbiz gossip.

He makes a mental note to change the channel as soon as he gets off the phone, but three words at the bottom of the screen evaporate that urge.

_Gwen’s new beau?_

“Mom, I’ll call you back another time, alright?” He reaches for the remote control on the other end of the couch as his mother chatters on in his ear about being safe and continuing the right track.

“Speak to you later, Blakey.”

He smiles briefly before ending the phone call, his finger immediately hitting the unmute button.

_“Gwen Stefani has been hanging out with this guy a bunch these days.” The journalist says, sporting a suggestive smile. “There’s no word on who the mystery man is yet, but she has been caught sneaking him into the studio a few nights ago.”_

Blake frowns as they show two consecutive pictures of Gwen and another man making their way into the studio, their arms linked. He tries to control the bitter taste in his mouth, but it becomes impossible to ignore when the journalist continues talking.

“ _The pop singer has been divorced and reportedly alone ever since, but sources claim that these two have been hooking up and having a great time. The source further exclaims that it’s all very casual and they’re ‘just having fun’.”_

Blake turns off the TV, leaning back against the head of the couch. He can feel the sting of hopelessness course through his body, this whole day having not been his best. He’s the first to know that life is fragile, and humans are even more vulnerable and right now he feels incredibly tested.

He would like to put all his faith in God now or anything else Holy, but he knows that if he’s going to ride this familiar wave again, it’s going to be nothing but his own strength that’ll get him through.

He sighs deeply, running a hand over his face before picking up his phone once more.

There aren’t a shitload of people for him to call anymore, but there’s one friend who’s never lost sight of him, not even in his darkest moments. He’s feeling hesitant about bothering Adam this late, especially since he’s probably enjoying some alone time with his own family, his wife and kids. Yet, one shitty phone call trumps everything else that he _could_ be doing instead, so he closes his eyes and dials.

* * *

She has just dropped the kids back off at her brother’s.

The silence in her house whenever the kids had been there was always too much for her. The ruthless ache she feels about not being a parent herself becomes even more unbearable in these moments and so she’s sitting in her car, parked outside, dreading to go back in.

She hasn’t seen Blake in a week, which had been exactly what they agreed on. They had talked a little bit, but they’ve mostly been doing their own thing, sending a goodnight text at times, but not religiously.

It had been a pain to pretend like the distance was something she enjoyed. She had spent time in the studio to write, but most of her time had been sucked up by her niece and nephew staying over for the last five days.

She didn’t know what Blake had been up to in their time apart, but she wondered if it was as weird and difficult as it has been for her. Maybe it was the emotionally charged time they spent together that made it even worse to be apart, but she feels herself impossibly attached to the six-foot-something cowboy.

She stares at her phone in her hand, wondering if she should call him. They’ve agreed on meeting up again in a few days, but there’s nothing she wants _less_ than to wait.

She hadn’t heard from Blake at all yesterday and she wonders if her phone call would be appreciated this time around. He had given her his address before he left the last time, agreeing on seeing each other at his place next week.

She should probably let him know she’s coming, considering he could be busy, but she’s too wired up with adrenaline to really care. If she arrives at an empty home, at least she can say that she tried.

She’s not even paying attention to the scenery outside, all she’s focused on is the road ahead of her and the thought of seeing Blake again soon.

The sky is darkening some more and it takes about fifteen minutes before her headlights are lighting up his porch. The property in front of her is huge and from the first glance quite impersonal. She’s frozen on the spot when she can tell there are lights on inside and he’s indeed home. She stops the engine, inhaling deeply before exiting the car. She plays with the car keys in her hands, keeping her hands occupied while she approaches his front door. 

She stares at his door awkwardly for a few seconds before finding the strength to ring the doorbell. The sound of a dog barking becomes louder to her ears and she bites her lip as she waits for the door to open.

“ _Gwen_?”

She looks up at his blue eyes, the maroon coloured shirt he’s wearing unbuttoned slightly at the top.

He’s looking at her like he’s hallucinating or something and she lets out a soft and breathy laugh.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing here?” He asks, using his hand to prevent his dog from running out to greet her. “Betty, _sit_.”

Gwen bites her lip again. “I know we agreed on seeing each other again next week, but I was just sitting around and I don’t know, I wanted to see you sooner. Is this a bad time?”

Blake rubs a hand over his face, his eyes squinting.

“No, it’s fine.” He exhales eventually, stepping aside to let her in. “I just didn’t expect it.”

She lets out a breath of relief at being let in, some of the excitement she hoped to see from him at her impromptu visit lacking though.

“Didn’t you have company?” He asks, something in his voice sounding off.

She figures he still thought she had her niece and nephew, and she shakes her head softly.

“I brought them home tonight, they’re back with Jen and Todd.”

Blake chuckles, taking her coat from her.

“Not exactly the company I was talking about.”

She frowns, watching as he hangs up her coat and immediately heads for the main room. She follows him quickly, surprised by the sudden change of demeanour.

“What do you mean?” She asks, her voice portraying the confusion she feels inside.

Blake leaves her standing in the living room as he makes a sharp left for the kitchen, looking out at her.

“Want a beer?”

She swallows roughly. “No thanks.”

“Anything else?” He asks, opening the fridge. “I’m afraid I don’t have any of the wines you like.”

“ _Blake_ …” She sighs, walking closer to him, leaning one of her hands on the kitchen counter. “What’s going on? What were you talking about just now?”

Blake closes the refrigerator door with a little too much force, looking at her intensely.

“I thought we agreed on seeing where this could go.” He says, rubbing his chin. “If you changed your mind that’s fine, I would’ve just appreciated a heads-up.”

Gwen’s face falls, physically deflating as she takes in his words.

“What are you talking about?”

“The new guy you’re hanging out with.” Blake responds, sounding more over it with the second. “Are you here because he’s not available right now?”

“Blake, I….” She shakes her head, raking a hand through her hair. “What are you even talking about?”

Blake chuckles bitterly, making a move to head out of the kitchen.

“Let’s not do this, okay?”

She acts quickly, moving around the kitchen island and blocking his way.

She grabs his arm, looking up at him with surprise. “Talk to me, _please_ Blake.”

He uses his free hand to rub the back of his neck.

“The guy you’ve apparently been having secret rendezvous with in the studio.” He says softly, breaking her gaze. “Pictures of you two have been circulating the media so please do me at least one favor and don’t deny it. Don’t play with me like that.”

She feels defeated at his words, still unsure of what he’s talking about.

“I haven’t seen any pictures…” She says softly, her hand still holding on to his forearm. “I’ve been spending all my time with the kids remember? I haven’t been hanging out with anybody.”

“So actual footage of you linking arms with a man you’re leading into the studio is just what, _edited_? Made up?”

Something finally clicks, her hand letting go of him.

“You’re talking about Jeff?”

“So you _do_ know what I’m talking about.”

Her mouth opens slightly, a huff of air escaping her lips.

“Blake, that’s just one of my co-writers.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “We’ve been friends for years and last week we spent another few hours working on my album…. “

“And that's all? You two just write together?”

She tries to ignore the flare of anger that runs through her at the sarcastic undertone of his questions.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

He finally walks around her, leaving the kitchen. He turns around a few feet away from her, shaking his head at her.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

She walks over to where he’s standing, never once imagining that going over to his place tonight would result in the conversation they’re having right now. The hurt in her chest brings numerous revelations; she can hardly breathe through Blake’s scepticism towards her. She wonders if he felt the same way every time she wanted to deny _him_ the benefit of the doubt.

She swallows roughly. “Do you really think I would lie to you like that?”

“I think you never could stop seeing me as an addict.” He shoots back at her. “I think you never truly wanted this to work but you were afraid of what I’d do if you told me, so you lied.”

His words suffice as actual physical blows to her system.

“You’re wrong.” She whispers.

He looks down at her for a few seconds, the look in his eyes sending a chill down her spine.

“It doesn’t matter either way.” He speaks lowly, turning away from her once more, delivering the final blow while he spares himself from looking at her. “We never stood a chance.”

Her heart hammers against her chest, the cruelty of the universe to make her believe in a future with him only for it to change Blake’s mind, causes her eyes to well up.

She sniffs, wiping at her eyes with her hand.

“Jeff is gay. Whatever you _thought_ you saw, you didn’t.”

Her voice is so small, it’s barely audible at this point, but Blake’s posture freezing tells her he must’ve heard her words so she continues.

“And you have no right to get this jealous since it was _you_ who said we'd take it slow. I came here because I missed you and I realized my feelings for you aren’t lessening at all.” She swallows down the lump in her throat, wincing as her voice breaks in the process. “I came here because I wanted to tell you I want to stop running.”

He turns around slowly, the look on his face one of anguish and regret.

“I don’t know what to— “

“—You don’t know what to say?” She fills in for him, wiping another tear from her cheek. “Me neither. I don’t even know if there’s anything else to say. You don’t trust me.”

“Gwen.” He steps closer, but she holds her hands up in front of her chest to indicate she doesn’t want him to touch her.

“You really think all these things of me?” She whispers brokenly.

She watches as he bites his lip hard, the confusion on his face mirroring how she felt a few moments earlier.

He reaches out for her again, but she steps out of his reach. He’s not giving up though, cupping her cheeks between his hands.

“I don’t. I shouldn’t have said those things; I was just mad, I was _scared_. I thought I was losing you and I….Jesus Gwen, I’m sorry.”

She pushes his hands away angrily, basking in the hurt look on his face when she does so.

“You think a lousy apology is gonna be enough?” She hisses. “Fuck you, Blake. Screw you for thinking I would hurt you like that.”

Blake runs two of his hands down the back of his head in frustration, taking a few steps away from her but never redirecting his gaze away.

Gwen stands still, torn between wanting to leave and hoping he tries to get closer to her again.

“ _Shit_.” He curses, leaning against the back of the couch.

She remains silent, realizing he’s working something out inside that brain of his, something she knows she’ll push for eventually if he doesn’t offer it up himself.

“This wasn’t about you.” He whispers, lifting his head to find her gaze again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doubting you…. I…. I’m doubting _myself_ here, Gwen.”

Gwen doesn’t move an inch. “Why?”

He rubs a hand down his face, his free hand squeezing the head of the couch.

“Why _wouldn’t_ you go for someone else?”

The question stuns her, none of the usual confidence he portrays showing now.

“There are a bunch of men out there with a past less bleak than mine, with demons less poignant. Why would you pick me when you could have literally _anyone_ else?” He sighs beneath the weight of his words, his eyes glistening. “I’m trying to convince you to give me a chance, but the truth is I’m an artist with a dead career, who will always remind you of your brother. That’s not exactly promising.”

She feels her heart breaking again inside her chest, her eyes closing momentarily.

She had taken for granted his strength ever since meeting him, but the man standing in front of her now is clearly on the verge of breaking and she can’t stomach the thought of just standing there doing nothing about it.

In a move that surprises her, Blake walks closer to her again.

“I fucked up.” He says softly, looking down at her when he’s close enough to touch her, yet he doesn’t. “I won’t try to stop you from walking away, Gwen. You deserve better.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this is how you were feeling earlier?” She whispers.

“You had enough to deal with.”

“I’ve been able to count on you every single time.” She says, swallowing roughly. “Why wouldn’t you let me do that for you too?”

“This is my own fault, I can’t— “

“It’s not.” She interrupts. “You should’ve told me; I would’ve talked that nonsense out of your head. I like you, _really_ like you, Blake. With all of your past, all of your demons, I still wanted to be with you.”

“Wanted?” He asks painfully soft.

The look in his eyes reminds her of the loneliness she’s no stranger to either.

Her breath hitches.

“ _Want_.”

He looks as if he’s seconds away from walking away from her again, before he’s grabbing onto her instead, forcing her backwards and into a kiss.

She grabs the back of his head while accommodating to his kisses, gasping when her back hits the wooden shelve, a few picture frames knocking over with the force of it.

None of them have the idea to stop though, their kisses only increasing in intensity until the only things she can hear is the rough breathing and _popping_ sound of their lips breaking apart and finding each other again.

She thinks she might be crying but she couldn’t care less as Blake’s lips trail down her neck and collarbone, her hands gripping his curls tightly.

She hears him murmur soft and low apologies against her skin, but she doesn’t want to hear them anymore. She pulls his head up, forcing their mouths together again, silencing any other words that might’ve been on the tip of his tongue.

There’s a long list of things she wants right now; his mouth to take absolutely no mercy on her, him inside of her, for him to take her upstairs and lay her down. None of these things suddenly feel like they’re about to happen when he stills their movements, his forehead hovering against hers.

“Blake, _please_.” She begs.

“I need to tell you something before we go any further.” He whispers, his hands gripping her hips, showing her his quickly devolving self-control. “You deserve to know, because you might not want to be with me anymore and I can’t handle if that happens later on…”

She’s disappointed that he wants to talk, but she realizes he needs to get whatever it is off his chest badly.

She let's out a shaky breath, her mind still reeling a bit from their kiss.

“Okay…”

One of his hands leans on the wall next to her head, his forehead still touching hers.

“You asked me about what happened to make me want to get clean…”

She slides her hands up his chest, leaving them there. She nods.

He closes his eyes, a stray tear sliding down his cheek. The sight stuns her once more, her hands involuntarily tightening against him to show support.

“My family held an intervention for me after I had shown up high to dinner the night before. I took some more the next morning which is when they sat me down.” His voice sounds rough and vulnerable, his eyes slowly opening to gaze down at her. “I got angry, I felt so fucking _betrayed_ Gwen…”

Gwen breathes roughly, encouraging him to go on.

“I heard them out for a bit, but I just couldn't even think straight. I got up eventually and tried to leave and my mom…. she was crying and followed me, trying to keep me from walking down the stairs.” Another tear falls down and Gwen softly wipes it away with her thumb. “She grabbed me by the arm and I just lost it. I forcefully pulled back, kinda shoving her away from me and the force of it knocked her backwards...”

Gwen’s blood runs cold as he looks at her tormented.

“It all happened so fast. She tumbled backwards and fell down the stairs. I was high and shocked and just _stood_ there. Until I heard yelling and commotion, people running down to check on her. I think my sister might’ve tried to attack me but I don’t remember much else, everything else becomes blurry after that.”

_“My God...”_

“It’s a miracle my mom walked away from that altercation with nothing more than a dislocated wrist and an ugly laceration across her forehead. They got her checked out at the hospital and she had no other serious injuries.”

Gwen closes her eyes, her chest aching for Blake and his family.

“I know I got lucky, but it could’ve ended way worse. My sister and brother in law still haven’t talked to me since. They cut me off completely.”

She can tell Blake’s close to his breaking point, the way the words leave his lips indicating he’s having trouble keeping his voice steady.

She wants to tell him he’ll be okay, that she’s not going anywhere, but words are getting stuck in her throat. She never knew the extent of damage Blake did while he was still in the thick of things, and she now understands why he was so reluctant to tell her before.

She also recognizes he must’ve been triggered when she talked about wanting to cut _her_ brother off—trying desperately to keep Todd from facing the same faith he did.

“If you wanna go, I get it.” Blake whispers, his hand slowly sliding down the wall, his eyes portraying a level of defeat she hopes to never see from him again.

She swallows roughly, cupping his cheek in her hand.

“Only if you’ll come with me.”

Everything around them comes to a sudden halt after that, her words obviously rattling him immensely. She can physically see him deflate, his head lowering to the crook of her neck in an unexpected move.

The first few cries are soft and subdued against her skin, but soon it becomes difficult to hold him close to her with the force of his sobs.

“ _Gwen_.” He cries, his breath hitching when she tightens her hold on him.

She makes soft shushing and comforting noises, hoping to somehow reach him through the fog. Her arms try to hold him as much as she can, the angle definitely a bit awkward but she makes it work.

She hadn’t seen Blake get overly emotional yet, hadn’t even witnessed him tearing up before. The gut-wrenching sobbing he’s doing now is a real shock to her system.

She realizes she was wrong before; there must be a pivotal level of trust there for him to break on her like that.

He continues to cry and shudder against him, the painful sounds leaving his mouth sound like a man trying to stifle the weight of his grieve until it's no longer possible. His emotions finally shine through his mask of coping, trusting her with a level of vulnerability he probably hasn't shown anyone before.

His shoulders shake while his tears stain the side of her neck, trickling down to her shirt.

“You made a horrible mistake, one that led to a really bad accident, but you got better…” She tells him, continuing to hold him close to her. “You used what happened as fuel to heal yourself and that’s all you can do. You can’t just wait for them to forgive you, you need to start forgiving _yourself.”_

She feels the shaking of his body slowly subside, but the breathy sounds coming out of his mouth are still irregular and painful.

“I’m gonna stay with you tonight, you’re not going through this alone.”

Those words get him to finally lift his head from her shoulders, his wet eyes staring down at her vulnerably.

“You don’t have to…” He whispers hoarsely.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She affirms, taking the opportunity to slowly lead him towards the couch.

He lets her guide him all the way until he’s sitting down again, her arms pulling her into him so he can lower his head to her lap.

She smiles softly when he turns to look up at her, his eyes showing pure surprise at the fact she chose not to leave. It breaks her heart to think about how many people probably _have_ left him, some with good reason.

She cradles his cheek in her hand again, leaning down a little while her thumb wipes his cheek sweetly. She’s close enough to his face that they’re basically a shallow breath away from kissing.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers.

“Don’t be.”

“I didn’t mean to break on you like this.” He says softly, hoarse and embarrassed.

She shakes her head. “You can’t be strong all the time, Blake. I’m glad you were honest with me; I’m glad you didn’t hide.”

He exhales softly, his breath hitting her lips.

“Are you really staying?”

She nods softly, placing a tender kiss on his forehead.

“Cross my heart.”


	9. I Was Meant For Someone

She hadn’t thought it through all the way when she draped a blanket over his now sleeping body on the couch, about an hour ago. He had laid with his head in her lap for what felt like hours, allowing his pain and grief to come out in shuddering and overwhelming waves. As painful as it was to see it, she realizes this is what he needed all along.

Gwen is starting to feel the fatigue as well, hesitant about waking him but also not comfortable with going upstairs by herself and leaving him here. She’s never been to his house before, let alone his bedroom. It’s a move that would be too invasive.

She chooses to gently lift the quilt that’s covering his body, so she can manoeuvre herself next to him, trying to shift further into him so she won’t fall off the couch.

He stirs a bit, causing Gwen to wince.

His eyes open slowly, his arm automatically going around her back.

“You’re still here.” He states groggily.

“I told you I’d stay.”

He pulls her closer, his hand starting to move on its own accord, until he’s raking it softly through her hair.

“You should’ve woken me.” He says lowly, giving her a soft smile. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”

“You needed the rest.” She answers, enjoying the gentleness of his hand on the back of her head.

“So do you.” He retorts, smiling when she sinks into his touch even more. “You said you initially came here cause you wanted to stop running. You remember you said that?”

Her eyes drop to his mouth, their lips so close to each other that her chest starts to pound at the proximity.

“Of course I remember.”

“Did something happen?” He asks softly, his hand sliding down to the back of her neck, his thumb caressing the skin there.

“Honestly?” She chuckles. “I got schooled by my eleven-year old niece.”

Blake’s eyes widen in mild playfulness.

“You can’t tell me that without saying _exactly_ what she told you.” He smiles.

His hand is now cupping her cheek, and she realizes all his touches are so light and intimate, as if he’s exploring her with all the care and all the patience in the world. Her body relaxes completely at the mercy of his soft and kind touches.

“She told me the most important thing in the world is being able to count on each other.” Gwen recalls softly, keeping a small smile on her face. “I realized I was being unfair for judging you for a time I wasn’t even present for. You’ve always been there for me, Blake. If there’s one thing I never had to doubt, it was that I could count on you. And that counts for something.”

He lets his thumb swipe across her cheek.

“Your niece is a little philosopher, ain’t she?”

Gwen chuckles. “She’s the smartest girl I know.”

“You _can_ always count on me.” He tells her then, letting her know he’s not distracting away from the actual key-part of the story. “I hate that I couldn’t show you that tonight.”

She shakes her head.

“Don’t. You had a bad night, it happens to the best of us. I don’t regret coming here.”

“Can I ask you something personal?” He murmurs, the gentle expression in his eyes telling her that he won’t fault her if she tells him no.

All it does is ease the tension out of her body and so she nods.

“The way you talk about your niece and nephew, about kids in general….it makes me wonder if you ever wanted any of your own?”

Her eyes flit up to his, holding his gaze steady as she presses her lips together. It’s a wonder she’s been able to avoid this subject for so long, but she feels ready to share that bit of her life with him tonight.

“I’ve never wanted anything more.” She whispers, moving her arm forward to trail fingers across his free hand. He swallows at the gentle way she’s touching him now, and she uses the light contact as fuel to go on. “I thought it was gonna happen at some point with my ex-husband, but he just kept holding it off, saying it wasn’t the right timing. About a year before we filed for divorce, that changed into him saying he didn’t want them at _all_. It was just another heartbreak to go with the rest of them; I think I was partially numb to it by then.”

He leans forward to press the softest kiss on her forehead, lingering closely.

“You would be an amazing mother.” He tells her kindly, the hand on her face now brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “That child will be the luckiest person on the planet when it gets to call you their mom.”

She swallows down the lump in her throat as he so genuinely talks about motherhood for her as something that’s _going_ to happen, instead of something she missed out on.

“I kinda feel like that ship has sailed.” She admits honestly.

He continues to cup her cheek, stroking her jawline.

“I don’t think it has.” He says simply, holding her close. “There’s still time.”

She swallows roughly, tracing his fingertips with hers and becoming emotional at how intimately they are exploring each other.

“I could lay here with you forever.”

She closes her eyes with the admission, not because she’s embarrassed but because she finally feels completely content.

“How about we go upstairs? I don’t want to deprive you of an actual bed to sleep in.”

The thought of laying down in a bed instead of his couch definitely has its perks, but she’s not ready to let go of him yet, even if it’s just temporarily.

“One last thing.” She whispers, holding him there to keep from moving.

Her mouth presses flush up against his and she can feel him taking a deep inhale when their lips meet. He’s still cupping her cheek when she parts his lips with her tongue, relishing in the familiar taste of his mouth.

Their movements are slow and gentle, a world away from the dramatics from a few hours earlier.

His fingers run through her hair, his tongue moving to meet hers. She makes a sound at the motion, their bodes pressing intimately together. His hands slip down her spine and into the dip of her lower back, urging her chest even closer.

He pulls back reluctantly, desperate for breath and leaning his forehead against hers.

“I don’t want to push you too far after everything that happened tonight.” He whispers against her mouth.

She runs her lips across his stubble and his eyes slip closed.

“I just want you.”

It’s all she knows to say when he talks to her like that. She doesn’t want to push him either, definitely doesn’t want to take advantage of his fragile state of mind, but she needs him badly and she can tell the feeling is mutual.

She doesn’t want him to deprive himself.

He softly runs his hand down her spine once more. “Let me take you upstairs. If we’re gonna do this, I want to lay you down in a bed, properly.”

He looks down at her, undone and defenceless, and the sight makes her want to say something she probably shouldn’t yet.

She moves her free hand down the front of his chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath her palm.

“Take me upstairs, cowboy.”

He blinks down at her once before pushing the blanket down and urging her to sit up. She can tell he’s feeling slightly better by the way he moves, his demeanour more confident like usual, just slightly slowed down due to the impeding grogginess.

He takes her hand in his when he leads her up the stairs, his large palm completely engulfing hers.

The lights are all down low so there’s not much room to look around and take in her surroundings, but she’s sure she’ll do enough of that in the morning. Right now, all she wants to really explore is Blake.

One moment she’s basking in the soft feel of Blake’s hand as he walks her into his bedroom, and the next she’s feeling the softness of the matrass on her back. The comforter is thick and incredibly soft, warmth and darkness completely enveloping her.

Gwen grins from ear to ear when he follows her down and hovers over her body, his arms on either side of her head. Even in the dark, she can tell his gaze is on her mouth and just like usual, his lips don’t waste much time in findings hers.

She presses her open mouth to his warm lips, letting out a high-pitched sound when he nibbles at her. The kiss is more heated than it was back on the couch, their tongues insistent.

Clothes are lost in a frenzy, but somehow they keep their kisses focused. It’s like neither one is going to miss a single moment, determined to not waste any touches. His hands on her feel like perfection against her skin, her body yearning to have him even closer.

Sex with Blake is something downright spiritual, something that takes her out of her body and makes her feel closer to the stars.

Before she knows it, they’re both naked and Blake’s staring down at her with nothing but admiration in his eyes. She feels herself blushing underneath his stare, her arms linking around the back of his neck, as she tries to push him forward, into another kiss.

She pouts when he fights her, insistent on watching her for a moment.

“Blake.”

“Just let me look at you.”

She bites her lip, tightening her arms around him. “Why?”

“Because you’re beautiful.”

She scoffs. “ _Blake_ — “

“And because I want to memorize everything about the first time I’ve got you in my bed.” He continues, cutting her off. “No more hotel rooms, no more encounters that end in the morning and make me wonder if all of it has just been one heck of a dream.”

Her breath hitches, her hips bucking at him.

“ _No_.” She whispers. “None of that.”

He smiles. “Good.”

He runs a finger lightly across her stomach, and to the inside of her thighs, before guiding himself inside her with his other hand.

Gwen throws her head back while a low sound spills past her lips, her body accommodating to him once more.

Blake kisses down her jaw as he starts moving softly, each time sinking a little deeper into her. His mouth goes over her throat, lingering on her collarbone, and down her chest to run his tongue over her erect nipple.

She can barely keep up with him, feeling him everywhere.

“ _Fuck_.” She breathes, nails digging into his back.

Blake moans wantonly at the feel of it, reaching up to grasp her hands in his. He brings them back to the matrass, making sure they look each other in the eyes as he continues to drive into her.

“I want to make you feel like this forever.” He pants after a particularly hard thrust. “No one else. Just me.”

“ _Yes_ ….” She whimpers, her hands gripping his hard as she finds herself hovering near the precipice.

“God baby, you feel so good.”

Blake hits home over and over again, the only coherent sound coming out of her mouth being his name. He returns the sentiment as one hand now clutches the headboard behind her. She can tell he’s close too by the wild look in his eyes, the one that shows her his control is slipping away.

She throws her head back again as she comes underneath him, her scream louder than intended but it seems to only spur him on.

He lets go of her hands which makes it possible for her to wrap them around him again, her nails now digging into the skin of his waist.

“Come in me.” She whispers, the words visibly surprising him as he stares down into her eyes.

His gaze falls to her lips again, swollen from kissing and parte due to her ragged breaths. He kisses her again, deep and with all the feeling he can muster.

Her fingernails twitch down his back, leaving little marks while Blake fucks into her. It only takes a few more thrusts before she can feel him coming undone, and she’s left to picture his pools of blue darkening behind his closed eyelids.

He finishes deep inside her, a dirty and low sound falling from his lips.

“Holy fuck.” Blake gasps, causing Gwen to chuckle in agreement.

They stay like that for a while, not moving, their bodies heaving as they come down from their impeccable heights.

They both know this was different from any other time they’ve done this. The passion, the relief from everything they’ve managed to put into words today filling them with another layer of desire. And confidence.

Blake slowly nuzzles her cheek, stealing another glance.

“I think you might’ve killed me with that one.”

She looks at him from under her eyelashes, grinning back at him.

“I told you I wanted you badly.”

Blake grunts. “You’re not allowed to leave this bed tomorrow unless it’s a serious emergency.”

She chuckles, missing his warmth for a moment when he slides off her, but immediately smiling to herself when he pulls her closer to his body and pulls the duvet to cover them both.

“I can work with that.”

She turns to face him, hugging him with her arm around his waist, her head against his chest.

His broad figure against her feels solid and warm, giving her a sense of safety she hadn’t known before. Sleep comes easy to her for the first time in forever.

* * *

The abandoned field behind his house is covered with tall grass and weeds, a wooden bench that lingers above the spring ground. There’s nothing else to interrupt the wild greenery, this small piece of heaven only accessible to the ones who live in the same community. There’s a clear pathway that crosses the beauty of the park, purposefully designed to lead from one side to the other.

It doesn’t remind her of anything Californian at all, but it does remind her of something even better— _him_.

“I can’t lie to you….” She shuffles ahead, Blake close to her side. “When you told me you wanted to take me somewhere, this was not what I was expecting. But I like it. A lot.”

“Would you have wanted me to take you somewhere public?” He asks, one of his hands slid down deeply into his pocket.

She looks up at him, the soft breeze blowing through her hair.

“I don’t think I would’ve particularly cared.” She admits, biting her lip. “Rumours will happen anyway, as we’ve learned yesterday…. I might as well enjoy my life.”

Beams of sunlight bathe down on her, the absolute stillness around them making it possible for her to hear every rustling of leaves, some falling to the ground with a fluttery sound.

“Gwen…” Blake’s voice sounds subdued before he clears it, trying again but this time with a bit more vigour. “I never should’ve reacted the way I did. Truthfully, even if there _had_ been something going on between you two— “

“—Which there isn’t.”

Blake chuckles. “Which there _isn’t_ …. but it wouldn’t have meant you did anything wrong. We never had that conversation before and I had no right to get so possessive, so jealous.”

They had talked most of it out last night, so there’s no anger or hurt there when she listens to his words. There _is_ a hint of nervousness though, one she knows she’ll have to confront if she ever wants to get somewhere else with him.

“Do you…want to have that conversation?”

Blake’s free hand grasps hers as they walk along the muddy pathway.

“I know there are some things about me that scare you, some things that aren’t gonna be easy.” He says, their footsteps through the fallen leaves bringing an odd sensation of peace to her being. “I’m not trying to push you in any way.”

“I might’ve held on to that a bit too much for the wrong reasons.” She says softly, squeezing his hand. “I mean, I’ve been lied to and cheated on so many times, I hardly recognize the truth at this point. It was easier to just paint you out to be a bad guy altogether. I thought it would save me some trouble.”

“But it didn’t?”

“Cause it didn’t work.” She swallows roughly, reaching her hand out to touch a purple wildflower. “You were always there, you always showed me the opposite of what I made you out to be in my mind.”

She can hear his soft exhale, his hand tugging her into his side. 

“You know, even despite that, being with you always makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like there’s a chance for me to live a life that’s good, that’s simple, yet so remarkable at the same time. I’d love to say that I feel like I could be myself around you, but it doesn’t even feel like a _choice_ around you—I just am.”

She shudders out a breath, her eyes finding his gaze again.

It hurts her that she’s spent so much of their time together judging him, especially after hearing his words just now. She knows he’s a man who’s just desperately trying to leave the past where it belongs, and she wishes she could say she tried a bit harder to help him do that.

“I don’t know how that’s possible. I’ve judged you.” She whispers. “You helped me with my brother when I really couldn’t do it alone, and I _still_ couldn’t stop judging you afterwards.”

“And I _still_ was myself around you.” He adds. “I’m not saying it’s been easy, I’m not saying it _will_ be. We’re both still trying to figure a lot of stuff out, but if you’re willing to give me a chance, a _real_ one, there’s not a bone in me that wants to shoot that down.”

She stands still, suddenly thrilled by Blake’s decision to take her somewhere remote, somewhere where they wouldn’t be bothered by prying eyes. She turns to stand in front of him, her arms locking around the back of his neck.

He stares down at her with a soft smile, visibly appreciative of the distance she closed between them.

“You need to tell me when you’re feeling insecure or like I don’t understand you…” She sighs softly, one of her hands sliding down to his shoulders, while the other arm remains swung around his neck. “I’m trying to learn, I really am, but there’s a lot about this road to recovery that I don’t know yet. I’m gonna make mistakes.”

Blake nods softly. “Do you trust me?”

His arms around her waist are pulling her flush against him, his intense eyes boring into hers.

“I do trust you.”

“I know you’ve been hurt in your past.” He says softly, speaking so closely to her lips, she’s tempted to reach up and kiss him. “I’m not planning on adding to that. I want to be there for you like you’ve come to expect from me. I’m not going anywhere as long as you don’t change your mind on me.”

“I won’t.” She breathes, still seeing bits of his insecurity there. “I feel so different around you; I’ve never felt like anyone really saw me at all. They just wanted the version of me they created in their heads. I don’t have that with you.”

One of his hands cups her cheek, his adoring gaze making her blush.

“I knew from that first time in a hotel room that I was gonna fall for you.” He says, smiling softly. “I didn’t know the first thing about you, didn’t even know who you were, but I knew _that_ much.”

“I guess not knowing who you were, not knowing your story, did make it possible for me to see you for who you really are instead of what you’ve been through. I shouldn’t have given you such a hard time for keeping that to yourself for a while.”

His thumb gently caresses her jawline.

“I knew I was gonna tell you eventually.” He answers. “It’s just part of the other thing I told you, about how safe I felt around you from the very beginning. I knew I was gonna tell you because I knew I could be real and open with you without feeling painfully vulnerable. I just wanted to give us both some time.”

Gwen nods. “And I understand that now. I need you to know that.”

Blake kisses her softly, his lips touching hers so tenderly she nearly whimpers when he pulls back.

“I’m glad we’re talking about this, Gwen.”

She bites her lip, both of her arms locking behind his head again.

“Does this mean we’re together now?” She whispers. “Officially?”

Blake chuckles, his hands dipping to her lower back.

“I’d like that very much.” He answers lowly.

“Just to be clear…. that means we’re in this thing _exclusively_ now? As in just you and me.”

“Is this your subtle way of telling me I better not cheat?”

A hint of panic suddenly falls over her face, but Blake’s gentle nudge and low chuckle pulls her out of that quickly.

“I’m just kidding, baby. Yes, that means we’re exclusive; just you and me, no one else or so help me God.”

Gwen giggles, swatting at his chest.

“You’re so stupid.”

Blake grins. “I can make possessive jokes now since you agreed to being my girl.”

Something deep inside flutters at the words ‘my girl’, a flush spreading across her neck.

“How much longer will you be in LA for?” She asks, trying to distract herself from the passionate desires that swirl through her body.

“I promised to come visit my mom next week.” He replies. “So probably until after the weekend.”

“Do you still want some company when you go?”

His eyes widen, and she realizes he must’ve thought she wasn’t serious when she agreed to it before.

“I would love that.” He answers genuinely, holding her close. “Are you sure you’re ready to come with me to Oklahoma for a week? It’s quite different, plus you’d be meeting my mom.”

Gwen inhales shakily, a mixture of nerves and excitement settling in her chest.

“I’m a little nervous to meet your mom...” She admits, shrugging. “But I’m more than excited to see that ranch you’ve been talking about so much. I kinda wouldn’t mind getting away from here for a while either.”

“Then it’s a done deal, baby.” His smile is so wide; she can feel herself getting lost in it. “And you know you don’t have to come with me to my mom’s house if you’re not ready. Like I said, we’re still doing things your pace.”

She shakes her head. “No, I _want_ to meet her.”

She wants to meet the woman who’s been able to forgive Blake, who’s been the only reason he had someone to go to whenever he went back to his hometown.

“She’ll absolutely adore you.” Blake says.

Gwen smiles softly, her hand dragging gently across his jaw.

“If she’s anything like you, I think I’ll adore her too.”


	10. The Magnolias Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re going to Oklahoma folks! This trip will take up about two or three more chapters, so this is just the beginning. Expect a turbulent ride with lots of fluffy and smutty moments to lessen the sting ❤️

He’s showing up at her place twenty minutes earlier than agreed on. She isn’t surprised to figure out why. He's observant and intuitive, she's learned. He knows her better than she knows herself most of the time. So she isn't surprised when he shows up at her house, a goofy smile on his face and steaming to-go cups of hot coffee in his hands.

Normally she’d text him with an abundance of emojis, replying quickly, even sending the occasional picture. Today though, on the morning of them leaving for Oklahoma, she’s been unusually quiet and timid with her responses to him.

Her two ex lovers probably wouldn’t even have noticed, _nor_ cared enough to do something about it, but she knew Blake would.

She shoots him a soft and nervous smile while stepping aside to let him in. He sets the beverages aside and wraps her in his sturdy embrace, nuzzling his face in her hair.

They separate after a long moment but he doesn't go far, cradling her head in his hand and gazing at her with gentle adoration. She finds herself kissing him before her brain can catch up to her heart and tell her to stop. She knows she probably shouldn’t do this right now, as she’s so desperate for comfort and distraction, but he’s too tempting and she’s too weak. 

He appears to be the voice of reason though, which was to be expected, and eventually pulls away from her.

“Are you okay?” He asks, shaking his head with a soft chuckle. “Scratch that, I _know_ you’re not. Are you changing your mind about going? Because baby, you’re not obligated to go _anywhere_ with me. You know that right?”

“I want to go.” She assures him over her pounding heart. “I’m just really nervous all the sudden.”

He offers her a small smile. She returns it with one of her own, which causes a certain twinkle to reach his eyes.

“There’s no need to be nervous.” He tells her gently, cupping her cheek again. “No expectations or pressure, remember?”

She nods and lets him drag her towards the kitchen area, sitting down at the counter with her while handing her the cup of coffee he bought.

She thanks him with a sweet smile, wrapping both hands around the warm carton.

She wills her brain not to overthink her current situation. But this isn't the kind of thing she would normally do, and she's not entirely sure how she allowed herself to be convinced so easily. Normally she would’ve spent at least a few more months pondering over the idea before actually going to his hometown with him. This off the cuff idea she had and is seeing through, is not at all familiar.

He raises his cup across the counter into her direction.

"To a great trip and no expectations."

Gwen giggles, echoing his motion. "Cheers."

He lifts the cup to his lips, takes a long sip, and Gwen does the same. The dark liquid blends smoothly with her raging nerves and actually quells some of the worst feelings.

Blake is watching her in anticipation as she swallows, feeling the velvety warmth spread through her chest.

“You’re staring.” She says softly, biting her lip and wrapping her hands back around the steaming cup.

“You’re beautiful, that’s why.”

She scoffs, her airport outfit not at all what she considers beautiful. Her hair is messy and done up into a casual ponytail, one her ex-husband used to hate.

“These lazy gym pants and sweatshirt are doing it for you?”

“Not necessarily, but the girl _in_ the pants and sweatshirt are blowing my mind as usual.”

She dips her chin, allowing the curtain of her hair to shield her face and hoping it will hide the blush she knows is painting her cheeks.

“You’re sweet.” She whispers, clearing her throat.  
  
He lowly chuckles at her obviously flustered state, his eyes on her so soft and gentle it makes her want to open up to him suddenly.

“The first time I met my ex-husband’s family didn’t go so well.” She says, swallowing roughly. “He got really upset with me the night before and he started yelling at me while we were in their guest room. The next morning his parents would hardly look at me and Gavin told me I was an embarrassment to take home.”

Blake grits his teeth. “You gotta be kidding.”

She shakes her head before dipping her chin, eyes falling closed.

“I wish. I tried all weekend to make up for it with his parents, which seemed to work eventually, but Gavin wouldn’t have it. He was just so angry the whole time....” She traces her finger around the rim of her cup, pausing for a long moment. Blake waits her out calmly, sitting in silence but his eyes never leave her. “I ended up leaving without him. I thought we were done after that, but a week later he showed up at my doorstep and told me he forgave me, and for some stupid reason I thought I should consider myself lucky that he did.”

Blake nods in quiet understanding.

“I know a thing or two about misplaced guilt.”

“It’s how our relationship would go, you know? He’d get angry about something, I would beg for his forgiveness and he would grant it eventually, after he was over the drama. I just... I really _would_ hate it if your mother didn’t like me.”

He reaches across the counter, resting a gentle hand over hers, and she lifts her chin to find him gazing at her, his blue eyes shining with sincerity.

“She will, there’s absolutely no question about that.” He affirms to her gently. “But if you’re really that scared about it, we could reschedule it for another time. I just want you to spend some time with me in Oklahoma, see where I come from. Everything else is a bonus.”

Gwen knows about how little he still sees most of his family and she doesn’t want to be the reason he cancels on his mom again. She also knows a thing or two about empty words and white lies, but Blake’s words don’t sound empty at all. How he can carry such a firm belief in someone like her, she doesn't know, but she wishes she could possess even an ounce of his optimism.

“I want to see where you grew up too...” she says softly. “I want you to show me around town, I want to go on dates, I— “

“ _Woah, woah._..” He stops her with a goofy smile, squeezing her hand. “You might have to repeat that last part for me, make sure I heard that right. _What_ do you want me to do? Because I think I heard something about going on dates.”

She laughs breathily, grateful for Blake knowing when to use humor to pull her out of her darkness. Never once making her feel like he isn’t taking her feelings seriously.

“I want to go on dates with you, Blake Shelton.”

She raises the cup to her lips once more, downing the last of the dark, rich beverage.

“Dates with me end up in a _lot_ of kissing though...” He says mischievously, grinning at her. “Just so you know.”

Gwen hums. “How about plane rides? Do those come with lots of kisses too?”

Blake finishes the last of his coffee, setting aside the empty cardboard cup.

“I’m in a pretty giving mood, so I think something can be arranged.”

* * *

Perhaps she should’ve felt guilty for watching Blake drag her luggage with him as he treks to his front door. The large slab of concrete lays ahead of them, everywhere else she looks covered with rural area and dried mud. She can’t even begin to imagine how many acres of land must lay behind the trees, but from what she can tell, it’s endless.

The house in front of her is what _really_ demands her attention though; it’s low built, but incredibly large and overbearing. The driveway is built in between an incredibly impressive showcase of wildflowers, which must take a bunch of work to maintain. She hasn’t seen the inside yet, but the outside definitely didn’t correlate with the simple mancave she had in mind.

“You’re having an internal freak out?” Blake asks suddenly, and she realizes she had stopped walking to stare at the large ranch house.

She shakes her head, walking over to him and the door he’s holding open for her.

“I really like it.”

She can tell he’s surprised to hear it, which only makes her want to say it again.

“Don’t make any rash statements yet, you still haven’t seen the inside.” He chuckles.

She runs a hand down his cheek as she walks inside, taking one of her suitcases from him. He shakes his head and delivers a bit of resistance, causing her eyes to momentarily widen before she lets go. It’s the chivalry she’s not used to, and she loves Blake for gently forcing her to get used to it.

She gasps quietly as she takes in her surroundings.

There’s a big rug that lays in front the fireplace, a large couch and television standing in the middle of the living room, a kitchen and bar efficiently connected and numerous deer heads mounted on the walls. The last part has her slightly uneasy, but everything else is all that she hoped it would be. The interior of his place is definitely a bit more like the mancave she expected, but he managed to make it feel incredibly homey, the whole ambiance screaming _Blake_.

“Woah.” She exhales, standing still, looking around her. “You have so much space here.”

Blake chuckles. “The space outside is much more impressive, it’s too dark out to really see much right now, but I can’t wait to show you around during the daytime.”

Gwen’s eyes hone in on a basket beside the front door, a blanket and a bottle of red laying in the middle of it. She looks up at him, biting her lip.

She points at the newly spotted distraction.

“What’s that, Blakey?”

He chuckles. “You spotted that quickly.”

“Did you do that?”

He smiles widely. “I asked my assistant if she could put together a little getaway basket; I realized we’d have a really clear night so I was wonderin’ if maybe you’d like to stargaze with me? The blanket and wine are simply to keep you warm.”

Her eyes well up, the romantic gesture so foreign but so appreciated. She swallows down the lump in her throat, shaking her head.

“You’re so sweet.”

“If you’re too tired or don’t feel like it, we can do it tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be tonight.”

Truth is, she _is_ tired. But there’s nothing she wants more right now than spent some alone time with Blake underneath the Oklahoma stars.

“Is it safe out there?” She asks innocently.

He walks over to her, putting both his hands on her waist.

“I wouldn’t take you out there if it wasn’t, darlin’.”

She bites her lip and nods. “Then I’d love to go.”

She can tell the answer causes a surge of relief for him and she’s momentarily heartbroken about the thought of him being rejected before.

“Let’s get your stuff upstairs and then we’ll head out, okay?”

He carries out most of her stuff for her, as she follows right behind.

He holds his hand out, waiting for her to grab it. His long fingers intertwine with hers as he gently tugs her with him up the stairs.

Every single light that goes on shows her another gasp worthy view, the large house decorated with many country accessories she doesn’t know the names of yet and numerous guitars randomly stacked against the walls.

He pushes open his bedroom door, allowing her entrance first.

What she notices first is the wooden atmosphere; the king size bed has a beautifully polished wooden frame and headboard, a red and brown carpet laying at its feet. There’s a fireplace on the far left from the door, a perfect view from the bed. There are a few wooden vanities, and numerous picture frames stacked upon them. The two large windows give you the perfect sight, looking over the huge property he owns.

He wasn’t kidding though, it’s pitch black outside, so she can’t actually make out much more than some trees blowing in the wind.

She smiles when he pulls her small body into his chest, her suitcases all leaning against the wall.

“I’m really glad you’re here.” He says, cupping both of her cheeks.

“Thank you for inviting me.” She responds, her high pitched girly voice causing him to smile down at her.

“I think I oughta take you outside, otherwise I’ll be tempted to just keep you here.”

She bites her lip, arousal stirring deep in her gut.

“You better hold that thought.” She tells him, gripping his hand extra tight when he leads her back downstairs.

“Is this jacket enough?” She asks as he bends down a little to grab the basket from the floor.

“You might need the blanket, but I think you’ll be fine. If you do get cold, we’ll just go back inside.”

She nods softly, still touched by his adorable efforts and plan to make her feel at ease right away. She realizes he must’ve organised this with his assistant before they boarded the plane, or perhaps he’d been texting her in the air. At this point, she’s not even sure.

He holds the door open for her as she climbs into the truck, smiling when he grins down at her before making sure she’s situated. The door closes as he walks around to the driver’s seat, something about Blake’s silhouette in the dark, solely accentuated by the headlights of his car, makes her even more desperate for him.

“We’re going far?” She asks, squinting her eyes to try and see in the dark.

“Not at all.” He responds, reffing up the engine and backing out of the driveway.

She takes in his soft and relaxed demeanour while he drives, taking the opportunity to gaze at his side profile while he’s too focused on the road ahead. It’s a wobbly and curvy road, and she understands why it takes a bit more focus, especially when driving it at night.

He stops the car again after a little over five minutes, a large smile taking over his face. She’d normally be the first to return it, but her eyes are distracted by the sight in front of her.

There’s a large, empty field, nothing but the sounds of crickets and a soft breeze ruffling the leafs hitting her ears.

She opens the car door as if on auto pilot, immediately looking up when she’s got the chance. A gasp escapes her lips at the sight of the clearest sky she’s ever seen, thousands of bright stars shining above her.

“You like it?” His soft voice comes from behind her, his arms wrapping around her waist.

She leans back into him. “Oh my God, it’s breathtaking.”

“I thought you’d might appreciate a view like this.”

“You’re right. Thank you so much, Blake.” She turns around in his arms, taking in his surprised face.

“For what?”

“For bringing me here, for being so sweet, so considerate. I know you’re just being romantic, but it’s not something I’ve gotten a lot of these years. It means a lot to me.”

He places a soft kiss on her lips, his hand cupping her cheek.

“The only one who should be giving thanks is me.” He whispers, pecking her lips again. “I’m the luckiest son of a bitch in the world for getting you to agree on coming with me.”

“I didn’t agree, I _asked_.”

Blake nods with a smile. “That you did. And I’m glad for it.”

She’d be totally fine with standing in his arms like this forever, but the soft chill that runs through her at the next subtle breeze has Blake pulling out of their embrace.

“Come on, let’s pull out the tailgate and get you under that blanket.”

She watches Blake work for a few minutes, pulling the blanket from the basket and unfolding it completely. He motions for Gwen to hoist herself up on the backend of his truck, immediately handing her the blanket when she’s done.

Blake takes a seat next to her, pulling her even closer into him when he suddenly lets out a soft expletive.

“ _What_?”

“Glasses.” He groans. “I forgot the damn wine glasses.”

Her eyes widen before she lets out a string of giggles, letting her head lower against his shoulder.

“What’s so funny?” He asks, his voice threatening to crack underneath the weight of his bridled laugh.

She looks up at him, her hand playing with the short stubble on his jaw.

“You’re just so cute.”

“I hope you still think I’m cute when I have you drinking straight from the bottle.”

“Propped up on a tailgate, gazing at the stars with the hottest cowboy in the world, drinking wine straight from the bottle—I don’t know if there’s anything more perfect than that.”

Blake chuckles, placing a soft kiss on her temple while adjusting the blanket perfectly across her torso.

“I’m glad you’re so easily pleased, darlin’.”

She hums, resting her head against his shoulder and looking up at the night sky. She might be covered with a blanket to hold off the cold, but the most surreal blanket is the one above their heads; the scattered embers of dying fire winking down at them.

The sound of Blake unscrewing the lit of the wine bottle distracts her momentarily, tugging her lips up into a smile.

“Ladies first.”

He holds the bottle out for her, winking at her briefly. She feels the electrifying need to be with him, be close to him, only intensified with their romantic backdrop.

She takes the wine from him, putting the bottle to her lips and taking a careful sip.

She catches him staring at her, which makes her lower the bottle to her thigh, cocking her head at him.

“Before you ask…” He smiles, taking the wine from her hands. “When you look up, I can basically see the stars mirrored in your eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something more beautiful in my life.”

“ _Blake_ … “

“It’s crazy to me that you don’t realize how exceptionally stunning you are. If only you saw yourself the way I see you.”

She feels herself tear up again, her eyes following his movements as he goes and takes a sip of his own.

“I wish I’d see myself that way too.” She admits, leaning against him again, looking up at the stars once more. “I don’t think anything can beat this sight though.” She says, referring to the breathtaking sky above them.

Blake wraps his free hand around her, rubbing her upper arm.

“Oh, but it _can_.”

She doesn’t know if it’s the view or the two sips of wine she’s had, but she’s suddenly pushing herself up onto her knees before straddling his lap.

He looks up at her confused, his hands holding onto her waist in an instant. She loops her arms around his neck, both their heads moving in for a kiss in a way that’s far too synchronized.

He brushes a strand of hair behind her ear once she pulls back, snickering at her lowly.

“Well hey there, pretty girl.”

“You were being cute, so I just couldn’t help myself.”

“No objections here.” Blake teases, going in for another kiss.

She never thought of herself as particularly assertive, usually waiting for her boyfriend to make the first move, but there’s something different about being with Blake. Being out here in the middle of nowhere, with no one around for miles is also such a foreign concept back in LA. She rarely ever gets the opportunity to do something like this in the outdoors.

She doesn’t know how far she’s willing to take it out here on the back of his truck, but she doesn’t have half a mind to stop herself in this moment.

Her hands unbutton his shirt, greedy hands pushing the fabric aside. The soft breeze circulating around them has her pressing herself against him in earnest, in a move to try and keep them both warm. It makes it a little harder for Blake to get her sweatshirt off, but somehow he manages.

Gwen unzips his jeans, panting against his lips as she can feel his growing erection beneath her. Her knuckles brush against his hard length as the metal teeth releases and his pants are shimmied down just enough for her to sit on him.

Straddling him in nothing but her bra and gym pants, she can hardly breathe underneath his gaze.

“You’re so fucking sexy.” He exhales, moving forward to capture her mouth into another deep kiss.

Blake shivers when she runs her nails down his chest, her nails scratching at the sensitive skin combined with the chill from the night air being nearly too much. Gwen soothes the sting by running her lips across his shoulders, kissing down his naked chest. 

“Shit.” He groans, gripping her waist tighter. “Move up baby, I want to be inside you.”

She can’t even begin to say how much his desperation turns her on in this moment, her hands working overtime to shimmy her own pants down low enough for him to enter her. 

His mouth on her neck distracts her a few times, his fingers on her underwear causing her to gasp.

Her forehead leans against his, her breath coming out quicker. 

“ _Baby_...”

His thumb runs over her damp panties, teasing and getting a feel for how ready she is for him. The moment his fingers hook inside the fabric, a soft rustling sound causes her to freeze on top of him.

Blake tries again to pull her underwear down, but she stops him with a shaky hand on his chest, forcing his gaze up at her.

“What was that?” She whispers, afraid to turn around and clinging to his shoulder.

“ _What_?” He asks confused, his brain obviously still sex dazed and desperate.

“That sound.” She whispers against his ear. “Something’s out there.”

Blake grunts softly, shaking his head. 

“It’s probably just a squirrel or something.”

He starts kissing her again, his hands staying on her hips this time. She lets herself get wrapped up in their kiss, grinding against him after a few minutes. 

The sound comes back though, louder than before, and she’s off him in less than a second, hugging the blanket tightly around her.

Blake looks at her with a soft expression, frustration and amusement both lingering on his features. 

“Something is there.” She repeats, a bit louder and more shrill this time. “What if it’s dangerous?”

“Baby, anything that’s out here is more scared of us than the other way around.”

She feels a bit silly, half naked out in the country side, a blanket the only thing that’s shielding her.

“It sounded _really_ close.” She whispers, her eyes trying to locate any movement out in the dark.

“It could’ve been a wild hog; they sometimes show their faces, not super afraid to encounter a human.”

“ _Wild hog?_ ” 

Blake chuckles before moving closer to her, his arms wrapping around her.

“Hey, look at me.”

She obeys his soft order, slightly embarrassed about her freak out but also desperately in need of his gentle protection.

“You’re totally safe here, I promise. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you; I wouldn’t bring you out here if I thought we at any point were at risk.”

Gwen relaxes a little in his arms, though her eyes keep trying to scan their surroundings.

“This is just all so new to me...” She says softly, wincing as her hand moves down to his thigh and accidentally collides with the evidence of what they were doing before. “Oh my god, I’m sorry.”

Blake lets out a low chuckle. “Cock blocked by a damn hog. Can’t say that’s happened to me before.”

Gwen tries to crack a smile, but the sudden guilt plus remaining nerves about the situation keep her tight-lipped.

“How about we go back to the house and try to get some sleep? We can pick this up in the morning.”

She looks up at him, her hand working to button up his shirt again, realizing he’s still shivering.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

He kisses the top of her hand, shaking his head. 

“Sweetheart, all I wanted was for you to be here and you are. There’s nothing else I could possibly ask for.”

“I didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that.” She whispers, blushing a little. 

“Good things come to those who wait...” He whispers against the shell of her ear. “And I happen to be a _really_ patient guy.”

Gwen bites her lip, tempted to get on with it right here and forget the rude interruption from earlier. But her continuous fear and uneasiness prevents her from going there.

She _does_ pull his head down for another brief kiss though, shuddering out a breath against his lips.

“I’ll make it up to you.” She promises mischievously, before finding her sweater and pulling it over her head again. “Let’s go home now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me! There’s still enough smut coming in these next chapters ;-)


	11. The Old Lovers Sing

She had fallen asleep the moment she hit the matrass, the large bed and Blake’s strong arms wrapped around her lulling her to sleep quickly.

She’d just woken up though in the middle of the night, the surrealness of the situation hitting her.

Her gaze finds Blake’s sleeping features, his arm still around her stomach. He holds her close even when they sleep and it’s the most endearing thing to her. It’s the intimacy she’s been missing in all her prior relationships.

She can't help but reach out for him, touching him softly.

She feels him stirring beneath her, feels his body move against hers, his arms loosening just a fraction. She misses his strong hold immediately and winces at the slight rush of guilt at accidentally waking him up.

She’s known to toss and turn a bit, especially when she’s nervous.

He opens his eyes slowly, his hand rubbing over his face sleepily as he takes her in. His arm wraps around her tighter again and she rolls over onto her side to face him.

“What time is it?”

“Too late to be up.” She answers.

Blake hums. “Can’t sleep?”

“I was just looking at you.” She says, biting her lip.

“Creepy.”

She lets out a soft and breathy laugh. “ _Shut up._ ”

He smirks and moves, placing sweet kisses to her bare shoulder. She closes her eyes, her hand moving to the back of his neck.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” She half moans, his mouth nipping at her throat. “I just couldn’t stop thinking about— “

She gasps when his lips trail lower, locking around her pink nipple before sucking gently.

He lets go of her breast, gaze moving up to hers.

“What have you been thinking about, baby?”

She doesn’t even remember her own train of thought; all she can think about now is how they were interrupted before and how badly she wants to finish what they started tonight.

“I was thinking about how badly I wanted you to wake up and fuck me.”

He runs his fingers along her skin until his hands meet around her waist, manhandling so she’s straddling him.

“Look at that.” He murmurs darkly, fingers tightening against her hips. “Dreams _do_ come true.”

“Blake.” She whines, sitting on top of his hardness in nothing but her nightgown the biggest torture of all.

“You have no fucking idea how bad I want you.” He says, her hand moving to his boxers, trying to drag them down.

“So tell me.” She breathes, biting her lip when she gets his underwear off with his help, his cock straining against his lower abdomen.

His hand curls into her hair and he pulls just hard enough to make her gasp, his body now fully sitting up.

“I'm gonna show you." He whispers as he pushes two of his fingers into her gently, presses his body against hers even more. How he was even asleep a few minutes ago, she doesn't know. The way he takes charge of the moment, so fully awake, has her panting already. He grinds his erection into her in time with his thrusting fingers. "Don't close your eyes."

Her body bends to his will, her eyes stinging with the need to blink but she can't. She’s holding his gaze, watching the power and passion swirling in his eyes.

“Oh fuck.”

“ _Gwen_...” He whispers into her ear, his naked torso supporting hers as she loses her stability, "I see it in your eyes." He doesn't even flinch as he rotates his wrist, flicks his fingers faster, gripping her body tighter, kissing her neck. “You’re still nervous about tomorrow.”

She loops one of her arms around his neck, the other moving down to find his cock.

“I’m less nervous than... _before_.” She gasps, his fingers brushing a particularly sensitive spot inside her.

His free hand moves up under her chin, around her throat, as she starts stroking him harder. He pulls her head towards him into a deep kiss.

Their hands work harder, faster as their moans and cries bounce off the walls. She can feel herself starting to shake and she knows Blake’s aware of how close she is.

He chuckles against her lips as he thrusts into her hand.

"With me.” He whispers to her. "Stay with me."

She nods fervently and she lets out a high squeal when his thumb brushes her clit, pushing her the final bit over the edge. She trembles against him as she comes hard, stroking him faster, needing him to feel what she's feeling.

With a low growl of her name and a heavy grunt, he lets go too. He cups her face as she works her hand faster, determined to make up for the rude interruption on his tailgate earlier.

She’s not prepared for how quickly he changes positions again, ushering her to lay back down. Her hands rake through his hair as he moves his lips away from hers, his kisses dropping down once more.

With his tongue, he grazes her neck, licks up to her chin, along her jaw, while he grabs her legs in both of his hands. He kisses her soundly as he spreads her thighs and pushes her legs up, settling between them.

"Fuck.” He breathes against their kiss as his cock slips between her folds. "So wet.” He comments and he groans as he begins to enter her.

Her nails scrape his scalp as he pushes into her, his mouth catching her low moan.

"Blake.” She cries softly, but when he thrusts further, her jaw drops and she moans again. "Oh my God.”

It amazes her that the room is dark, and yet he knows _exactly_ where she is, how to touch her.

"Baby." She whispers, feeling him bottom out, hitting the deepest part of her. Her back arches, her legs bend back more, her fingers gripping the back of his neck. “I’m so close.”

She’s absolutely stunned by her body’s ability to come twice in such a short time span, but Blake seems determined and not at all surprised to get her there again.

His confidence whenever they do this makes her even more hot for him, her eyes looking up to find his baby blues.

“I want you to come for me, baby. I want you to remember what this feels like. I want you to remember it everytime you look at me.”

Her eyes roll as the heat from his whispered words hit her ear, chills running down her spine. With her fingers curled around his back, she rocks upward to meet his moves. Her eyes wind back before they close and she feels his other hand press against the back of her thigh, holding her leg up farther.

The way he moves into her, slow, deep, _hard_ , makes the bed move slightly. Sex has never been this erotic for her, no one has ever been able to make her feel like this and she’s sure no one else ever will.

“Fuck baby, yes.”

Her fingers link at the back of his neck and she breathes between kisses. She feels her muscles start to cramp and burn, his thrusts only getting more powerful the more she clenches.

“God, you feel so good.” He huffs back at her, working through her tightness.

She moves her head as it hits her, and she does the only thing she can do to keep from absolutely losing her mind. Her teeth sink into his shoulder hard, her body trembling.

"That's it, baby.” He growls, thrusting as hard as he can as she rides it out.

He can't hold back either, growling when she bites him harder, his orgasm slamming into him violently. His body drives into hers, his ass and stomach clenching. He shudders as he lets out a series of grunted curses.  
  
She sinks into the mattress under his weight and sighs when he drops his lips to hers again. When she feels his arms work under her body, she moans and grips him tighter, knowing what's coming.

He flips them over, tangling them in the sheets as he presses his lips to her forehead and cheeks. Slow, soft delicate kisses, over and over again, as they both struggle to calm down. He moans her name when his dick twitches, seething when she clenches around him again, and then there's soft laughter and a deep kiss.

“I will never get over how good this feels.” He admits, dragging his fingers through her hair.

“Me neither. It scares me a little, actually.” She says softly, her eyes closing again.

He unknots the sheets, flattening them out completely before kissing her lips again.

“It’s always gonna be like this with us. It’s always gonna be this good.”

His confidence is all she needs to finally fall asleep again, this time all the way through the night.

* * *

He wraps his arms around her and squeezes. She drops her head to his shoulder, smiling up at him.

“I’m glad to be here.” She says, wanting it to be clear even through her violent nerves.

Blake gives her a soft peck on her lips before untangling from her and knocking on the door.

Gwen takes the few seconds to flatten out her dress, clammy hands dragging over the blue material.

“ _Blake_!”

The older woman opens the door excitedly, nearly tripping over herself as she throws herself into Blake’s arms.

“Finally.” She exclaims, her hands cupping his cheek as she seems to check him out from top to bottom. “God you’ve gotten so thin, are you sure you’re eating out there?”

Blake chuckles. “You ask me this every time you see me and the answer is always the same.”

He smiles down at his mother, laughing breathily as she pulls him in for another hug.

“Glad to be back momma.”

Gwen stands back as she’s obviously touched by the exhange going on in front of her. She can tell Blake is awfully missed when he’s not here and she hopes he will start to realize that soon.

“Mom...” Blake says as he pulls back, his arm going around Gwen’s back. “This is Gwen. She’s my— “

“ _Oh my god_!” Dot cuts him off, grabbing her hands in hers. “She is the cutest thing ever, such a doll.”

Gwen blushes, smiling quietly.

“It’s so nice to meet you, ma’am. Blake has told me so much about you.”

“Oh I bet.” She winks, shaking her head. “You’re absolutely gorgeous, and _please_ , don’t call me ma’am. It makes me feel old.”

“Oh...”

“Dot works just fine.” His mother says, pulling her in for a hug of her own. “Thank you so much for coming with him. I can tell it means a lot to him.”

She nods.

“Of course.” She breathes, his mom’s reaction to seeing her being quite overwhelming in the best way.

She pulls away in time to see Blake’s hand motioning for hers. She loves how he holds her hand as they walk inside, not afraid to show her some affection at his mother’s house.

They sit down on the couch, immediately being graced with two cups of coffee and a platter of southern delicatessen.

“You didn’t have to do all that.” Blake says sweetly, shaking his head at his mom.

“Don’t be crazy. It’s not everyday I get to host you and your _girlfriend_.”

Blake snorts. “It’s not everyday that you’re excited about that.”

“That’s because of the ladies you’ve dated in the past.”

Blake groans and Gwen’s immediately curious to know more about that, but she lets that go for when they’re alone.

Dot smiles at her.

“Tell me, Gwen. How did this guy manage to convince you to hang out with him?”

Gwen runs a hand through her hair, meeting Blake’s gaze briefly.

“Your son is the kindest man I’ve ever met. It wasn’t difficult at all to fall for him, and trust me I _tried_.”

“He is a really good man.” His mother affirms. “Has he told you about— “

“I have.” Blake cuts her off, squeezing Gwen’s hand.

“That’s good.”

“I want you to know that I only have his best interests at heart and I truly want the best for him.” Gwen says softly, hoping his mom can see she’s not thinking about leaving when things get tough.

“Oh honey, I had no doubts about that.” She coos sweetly.

“She’s the only reason I’m not suing LA for intense emotional distress.” Blake jokes.

“The next time you two are here we need to have a large family dinner.” Dot says, clapping her hands. “We’ll invite your sister and her husband, the kids. It will be fun.”

Blake’s smile disappears instantly, the sudden heaviness palpable in the room.

“Good luck with that.”

“ _Blake_.” His mother sighs.

“Saying it out loud won’t make it reality, mom. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for all of us.”

Gwen bites her lip, saddened by the deep look of disappointment on his mom’s face. She can’t imagine having two kids be so at odds with each other. She understands his mom’s desperate attempts to mend that.

“They ask about you all the time.”

Blake nods. “Well she has my number. If she really wants to know how I’m doing she can just dial the freaking phone.”

Gwen finds his hand on his lap, squeezing his fingers gently. She can tell he’s working himself up and tries to softly calm him down in the only way she knows how.  
  
Blake looks at her briefly, some of the tension seeming to subside.

“Blake told me you’re a vegetarian.” Dot says, changing the subject. “I hope you like my dinner preparations.”

Gwen smiles softly. “I am, I’m sure it’s awesome. Thank you.”

“I just need to bring the extra chair down from the attic.” The older woman exclaims, placing a hand on her hip.

“I’ll do that now, otherwise I won’t be downstairs by dinner time.” She jokes.

Gwen lets out a soft sound of laughter, but Blake’s once again tight-lipped.

“I’ll do it.” He says, momentarily leaving Gwen’s side as he gets up from the couch. “The large one, right?”

His mother hums. “Thank you, baby.”

Blake nods before ascending the stairs, leaving her and his mom sitting in front of each other.

Dot smiles again. “He still feels guilty. It’s not that often that I still feel it, but my hip does act up sometimes when carrying items up and down the stairs.”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her brain didn’t even make the connection at first.

“I’m really sorry about what happened.” She whispers.

“I’m surprised he told you.” Dot admits. “It’s okay, I forgave him. He didn’t mean to do it.”

“He’s doing really good now.” Gwen offers softly. “I wouldn’t even have known anything was ever wrong if he hadn’t been honest with me about his past.”

“He’s a very strong guy.” His mother nods, a proud expression lingering on her features. “It’s worrisome having him out in California though, so far away... he’s not that good at keeping in touch with us while he’s there.”

Gwen swallows. “I understand that must be scary.”

Dot smiles brightly, her soft features instantly taking care of some of Gwen’s worst nerves.

“I’m just so relieved to see him this happy. I can tell how much he loves you from just looking in his eyes.”

Gwen’s breath hitches, a flush colouring her throat and neck.

“Uhm, _we_...” She swallows past the sudden lump in her throat. “We haven’t said those words to each other yet.”

“ _Oh_.” His mom lets out, a surprised noise. “Well, he _does_. I’m his mother, I can tell.”

There’s so much running through her brain. It’s not like she doesn’t want to say those words, or hear them from him, but she can’t get herself to go too fast or want too much.

She needs to get through this day first before she can think of taking yet another leap in their relationship.

“Everything okay here?” Blake asks, lifting the chair into the air before lowering it at the right place at the dinner table.

“I was just telling your girlfriend how happy she seems to make you.”

Blake blushes. “She does.”

Gwen smiles timidly, relieved Blake interrupted the moment, giving her an out.

She runs a shaky hand through her hair before excusing herself for a moment.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

“Upstairs, first door at your left.”

Gwen nods politely. “Thank you, Dot.”

Blake shoots her a knowing glance, but all she does is smile and nod, not wanting to worry him.

The bathroom door closes behind her as she lets both hands lean on the sink. There’s a small, round mirror hanging above it, showing her flustered and nervous features.

It’s been so long since she’s done this, meeting her boyfriend’s family, and all bad memories from before come crashing into her again.

She wants to be liked this time, _desperately_. She wants Blake to still like her when this is all said and done.

The door opens softly, and she’s not surprised to learn that he’s followed her in here. She catches his gaze in the mirror, right after she’s pressed her wet palms against her face.

"Are you okay? You ran out of there like…"

He moves closer to her, reaching out a hand slowly lowering it to her shoulder. She jumps a little, but he just squeezes, feeling her tightly knotted muscles beneath his strong fingers.

"Hey.” He says gently. “It's just me."

He keeps one hand on her shoulder, working out the tension while his other hand moves up her arm and neck, cupping the side of her face.

“What if I mess up?” She whispers, tears collecting in her eyes. “What if I end up disappointing both you _and_ your mother?”

Blake squints his eyes. “Baby, why would that even happen?”

“I don’t know. I’m not perfect Blake. You know that, I make mistakes, I haven’t always treated you fairly.”

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” He says simply. “What matters is this moment right now. What matters is that I’m happier with you than I’ve ever been in my life and my mom can see that too. And she’s known you for less than an hour.”

Gwen smiles softly, casting her gaze down.

“Your mom is really sweet.”

Blake places a soft kiss on her forehead. “She is. And so are you. I’m a lucky man.”

“I’m sorry for freaking out.”

“Don’t be.” He tells her, looking at her intensely. “Do you want to go home? Talk to me, what do you need?”

She shakes her head ferociously. “No, of course not. _God_ , I hate that I worried you. This isn’t even about me.”

“Of course it is.” Blake objects. “It’s about all of us. That includes you.”

She smiles softly.

“Let’s go back downstairs. It’s rude to keep your mom waiting for too long.”

Gwen inhales another deep breath, before allowing Blake to usher her out of the bathroom.

His gentle hand stops her from walking down the stairs immediately, his soft gaze demanding attention. "Don't let her freak you out. She's just happy to have you here. No pressure, okay? Remember that."

She lets out a loud sigh, relief and leftover nerves finding their way out of her mouth. 

She nods. "No pressure."

* * *

“Where’s Mike?” Blake asks, reaching for a bowl of mashed potatoes. He balances it in the palm of one hand while he scoops some onto Gwen’s plate first, and then his. When he puts it down and still hasn’t been given an answer, he eyes his mother carefully. "Mom? Do you...do you know where he is?"

Dot looks at her son, sighing almost painfully, and then pulls the platter of grilled cauliflower toward hers.

"He’s landing a hand to his friend.” She says coolly, as though it isn’t the whole truth.

Blake knew, his ability to tell when someone was hiding something from him to not further upset him or push him down a darker path incredibly enhanced over the years. He huffs while grabbing the bowl of broccoli.

“That’s gonna be one _hell_ of a family dinner.” He murmurs under his breath, referring to his mom’s naive idea from before.

“He’ll be here the next time.” Dot insists.

“Mike is your husband?” Gwen asks next.

Dot hums. “Yes, honey. And he’s so upset he couldn’t be here to meet you.”

Blake sets the bowl done harder than intended, gritting his teeth.

“Please don’t lie to her.”

“ _Blake_.” Gwen scolds him softly.

“I’m not lying.” Dot states calmly. “Things have been a little complicated, but he’s a curious man and we’ve heard a lot about you. A lot of good things.”

Gwen would be lying if she said she wasn’t the least bit relieved that she was only meeting his mom this time, but she can tell the man’s absence is greatly bothering Blake.

"Not the first dinner he's missed, won't be the last." Blake’s tone is a bit rougher than usual, almost coming out like a growl.

"Hey.” Gwen whispers, reaching under the table with one hand. She cups his right knee, smoothing her palm over it. "Calm down."

He snaps his head towards her and lowers his voice.

“I’m sorry. It’s just... I can’t make up for anything if they’re all dead set on avoiding me forever.”

“It won’t be forever.” Gwen reassures, her fingers trailing in circles over his kneecap. "You gotta give people time, isn’t that what you told me? Healing takes time.”

Blake sighs softly. “You’re right.”

“You don’t have to spent your life making up for your past, son.” Dot says softly, sweetly, her features obviously softening as she takes in the calming effect Gwen has on her boy. “Your job is not to convince them of anything. Let life do what it does.”

Blake nods. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier.”

His mom just brushes it off.

”Don’t even worry about it, sweetheart. Now tell me, how did you court Gwen. Tell me everything.”

Gwen’s back to blushing, while Blake lets out another snort.

”You never change, do you?”

Dot smiles. “Of course not. You wouldn’t want me to. Now tell me.”

Blake looks at Gwen softly, the butterflies in her stomach once again going wild.

”It took me only meeting her once to know I would be a fool to let her go. Took her some convincin’ but it was all worth it. Though I’m scared she might still be scratching her head at how this whole thing happened. I totally got the best part in this deal.”

Gwen shakes her head. “That’s not true.”

”Little bit.” He teases, smirking.

”If there’s one thing I know, it’s that Blake loves being a little self deprecating, but don’t let that fool ya; he brings more than enough to the table. Much more than most of his exes did...”

” _Mom_.”

”What?” Dot asks innocently. “I’m just so happy you fell for someone who doesn’t spend the whole dinner texting someone else.”

Gwen’s eyes widen. “Did that really happen?”

”It did.” Blake says, squeezing her thigh underneath the table. “Lots of weird things happened, but I don’t think they’re necessarily dinner time conversations.”

Dot laughs. “You might be right about that.”

Gwen leans into his shoulder, holding off her curiosity for another time.

“I’m just really glad to have found Blake.” Gwen says softly, taking in Dot’s ever softening features. “Life has not been the same since.”

Dot and Blake definitely share the same southern hospitality she’s heard so much about, _learned_ so much about in the short amount of time she’s known Blake. It’s making it easier for her to be so openly affectionate with his mom in the room.

“Don’t let this one go, Blake.” Dot tells her son, smiling brightly. “You found yourself a real winner here.”

Blake’s hand squeezes her leg underneath the table again, his gaze finding hers.

“I’m not planning on letting her get away.”

Something in his voice still tells her he’s a little afraid to say with confidence that he won’t lose her, and she figures his past and uncertain future play a huge part in that.

Gwen doesn’t press him on it though, not here in front of his mother. She knows there are leftover insecurities on both sides and if this dinner has taught her one thing, it’s that Blake hasn’t even started to scratch the surface with her about what _he’s_ been through in his last relationship.

He’s been so good at encouraging her, whether it were her nerves about meeting his mom, or dealing with her brother or simply assuring her of her beauty, her worth, her strength.

She’s sad to learn of Blake’s insecurities, but she’s more than ready to have the tables turn for a while, to be for him what he’s been for her all along.

* * *

She could tell Blake was sneaking glances at her as they were walking up his porch, his hand soft against her lower back.

During the car ride she had stared out of the window, humming quietly to herself. She wasn’t necessarily tense, she was mostly just _overwhelmed_. All by all, the dinner went much better than she expected it to, aside from the few tension-filled moments.

She could tell her presence there meant a lot to Blake and his mom.

“So….” Blake starts, breaking the silence. “You had a good time?”

Gwen smiles, leaning into him.

“So good. Your mom is a sweetheart, thank you for inviting me.”

He stops walking when her hand slides up his chest, turning them around so she’s standing in front of him. There’s a mix of curiosity and amusement lingering in his eyes, which she notices easily.

“ _What_?” She giggles.

“I was meaning to ask you…” He smiles, rubbing her hips with his calloused hands. “What did my mom tell you while I was upstairs?”

“Oh.” Gwen exclaims softly, biting her lip. “Uhm, well, she was talking about how happy you looked.”

“Which made you bolt for the bathroom?” He quips sarcastically, eyes intent on holding her gaze.

She sighs quietly, knowing it’s impossible to keep this from him, she’s not even sure why she’d _want_ to.

“She said she could tell you loved me.” She whispers. “From the look in your eyes.”

He swallows roughly and she can tell her internal freak out about it earlier suddenly translates an ugly truth to him.

She shakes her head quickly. “It wasn’t so much _what_ she said that hit me so hard, it was just…. I didn’t expect it.”

Blake hums. “Listen…”

“I just didn’t know what to say.” She interrupts. “It was overwhelming.”

It’s not what she means to say, but nothing else comes out.

“Don’t freak out okay?” He tells her lowly, his hand touching her cheek. “We’re taking it slow, I mean that. Don’t listen to my mom.”

Despite the raging relief, there’s a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach, an unfair one that she wishes she wouldn’t verbalize but knows she will.

“So it’s not true?”

Blake’s gaze remains neutral, finger brushing her ear.

“No, my mom’s just excited. She talks a bit too much.”

“ _Oh_.”

Gwen’s obviously saddened, the statement hitting into her like a freight train.

“Gwen, that’s not— “

“Let’s just drop it.”

“Let me explain.”

“There’s no need for you to explain, Blake. We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks, I don’t expect you to feel that way about me.”

Blake looks as if he just took a knife to the chest.

“That’s not what I’m saying... not what I _meant_ to say, at least. I _could_ love you. I want to love you. But I want the timing to be right. I don’t want you to freak yourself out.”

“Like I said, you don’t have to feel those feelings for me, it’s fine.” She feels her eyes threatening to leak, pushing out of his hold. “I guess being here, meeting your mom, it’s all just going really fast and maybe I misread…”

She shuts herself up quickly, hating the way she’s spilling so much unsaid truths in these broken, insecure words of hers.

“Gwen…” He lets her name leave his lips like a sigh. “What do you want me to say right now? What are _you_ saying right now?”

“Nothing.” She retorts quickly, shakily. “Nothing and I don’t want you to say anything. Blake, can we please drop this?”

"We shouldn't drop this." He argues softly, eyes desperate and wide. "I didn't mean to-"

"You said that already." She cuts him off. "Please don't say it again."

"You're upset."

"I'm fine."

He scoffs softly, calling her out on her bluff.

"Really? You're gonna tell me you're fine right now?"

She shakes her head, feeling anger rise to the surface again.

"So what, I'm angry? Who the fuck cares, it's not like you owe me any feelings, Blake. I'm a big girl, I can handle this. Stop treating me like I'm gonna break. Stop lying to me, stop making me promises--"

"Why would I not care about that?" He interrupts her gently, not at all fazed by her outburst. 

She huffs out a breath. "You don't have to take care of me like this. You don't have to be this...nice."

Blake dares to take a step closer to her, his brain visibly putting the pieces together in his head. 

"Is that what he used to tell you?" He asks softly. "That he didn't need to be nice?"

"It doesn't matter." She whispers. 

"It does to me."

She shudders out another broken breath.

"I made a mistake, okay? I got my hopes up....it's my fault."

He shakes his head, an empathic expression lingering on his face, one she can hardly stand.

"You thought I--" But before the sentence is out of his mouth, she's interrupting him again.

" _No_!" She says sharply. "I mean, God...I don't even think _I'm_ there yet, I mean how could _any_ of us be? We've been exclusive for less than two weeks. I've already met your mom...." She shakes her head, voice breaking. "I don't know what's going on in my head right now, I can't..."

They stare at each other silently, until she can’t take it anymore and gazes back down at her hands.

“Talk to me." He watches her mouth open slightly, a word on the verge of being born, but all that comes out is a small, choked sob.

“I’m sorry, I’m such a mess.” She whispers, shaking her head as a few tears spill out.

“Come here.” He motions for her gently, letting out a surprised gasp when she does just that, crashing into his arms.

“I’m _so_ sorry.” She whispers, another cry getting stuck in her throat.

"Whoa, oh, okay.” He stammers, using his strength to support her as she falls further into him, his arms wrapping around her tightly. “It’s okay baby, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

His mind races with a million things he could say to calm her, to get her to laugh, to make her smile, but at this moment, they all sounded stupid. He just holds her as she cries and kisses the side of her head. "I'm here, right here. I got you.”

To her, it’s more than enough.

It’s everything.

“I keep freaking out on you and I just…” She shakes her head, burying it deeper into his chest.

He shushes her gently.

“It’s a lot for you. Maybe this was all just a little bit too soon, I should’ve seen that.”

“I wanted to come.”

“I know that. But it still could’ve been too soon for you.”

It takes only a few minutes, but her breathing slows and her cries quiet. She sniffles as she pushes herself up and stares into his deep blues.

“This was a difficult evening for you too and all you’ve done is take care of me.”

She wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

He shakes his head with a firm look in his eyes. "Never be sorry about that.” He says, his hand grabbing hers. "I will _always_ take care of you."

“It should’ve been the other way around.” She whispers, resting her head against his chest. “It should’ve been _me_ helping you through that.”

“You think you didn’t?” He retorts, chuckling lowly. “Baby, I nearly lost it when my mom tried to make excuses for Mike at dinner. I almost lost it when she brought up my sister. It was you who calmed me down, it was you who made me realize I had too much going on for me to feel so sorry for myself.”

Gwen exhales softly.

“Do you regret bringing me?”

His hands move for the collar of her jacket, pulling her into him some more, urging her face up.

“ _You_ …” He says, before placing a hot kiss on her lips. “Are the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me and I’m so grateful you came with me. My mom loves you already, which I knew would be the case.” He chuckles, kissing her again.

“Are you sure— “

“You trust me, right?” He interrupts her, his hand cupping her cheek.

She nods.

“I wouldn’t lie to you.” He affirms, holding her close. “I don’t regret bringing you with me and you’re definitely _not_ an embarrassment to bring home. Your ex is a fucking asshole.”

Gwen lets out a soft cry, thankful and relieved not beginning to cover what she’s feeling inside.

“I promise the next time I’ll be more relaxed.”

“Honey, as long as you can promise me there will _be_ a next time, I don’t have anything else I could ask for.”

Gwen beckons him down for a kiss, her hands sneaking around the back of his neck. As long as they have this, she can deal with the insecurities and uncertainties that swirl at the pools of their depths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of angst up next..


	12. Till You Came Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I urge you guys to read the flashback in the beginning of chapter 4 again before reading this one. Much love to all who still read ❤️

They’re partway through the movie when Gwen leans back against the corner of the couch, her toes pressing against the solid warmth of his right thigh. He switches his wine glass to his left hand, dropping his right to her ankle. It’s casual, automatic. She’s not even sure he realizes he’s doing it.

She’s hyperaware of his touch though, the stroke of his thumb feeling heavenly against the bone in her foot. He gradually expands his touch, fingers curling around the top of her foot and squeezing lightly. He finds the edge of her arch with his thumb, increasing the pressure as he runs the digit along it from heel to toe.

Gwen sighs softly in encouragement, the small sound being all she can muster. He repeats the motion a few times and Gwen can feel the knot in her arch beginning to untangle.

His hand slides back up, wrapping around her ankle and tugging gently. Blake abandons his half empty wine glass on the coffee table, sitting back as Gwen extends her legs so her feet rest in his lap completely.

Though Blake hasn’t taken his face away from the television, both hands find her ankles with ease, increasing pressure again as he caresses them gently. It’s so soft, so selfless, and she realizes she’s never gotten a feet massage from a partner before.

Eventually his hand simply come to rest on the top of her feet, the television softly babbling on before she takes notice of the darkening sky outside. She’s about to close her eyes and succumb to the heavenly closeness once more, before she feels Blake rise from his spot on the couch.

He looks down at her, and even in the dim lighting she can see the care and desire shimmering in the blue of his eyes.

“I have an idea.” He says, smiling.

She fidgets a little on the couch, trying to hide how much she misses his touch already.

“What’s that?” She asks in that overly girly tone of hers.

“I wanna take you somewhere.”

Her eyes widen.

“ _Now_?”

He nods enthusiastically.

“You said you wanted to go on dates.” He reminds her, his grin expanding. “And I told you I would give you that.”

“Where are we going?”

She can see from the mischievous look in his eyes that he’s not about to tell her a thing. She lets out a sigh of defeat before the words actually leave his mouth.

“You’ll just have to wait and see, darling.”

She swings her legs back to the floor, forcing herself in an upright position.

“Will you at least tell me what I should wear?”

Blake looks at her sheepishly.

“I think what you’re wearing right now is just fine.”

Gwen chuckles, not completely taken by surprise by his words, yet not about to listen to them either.

“This is the first date you’re taking me on _technically_.” She tells him, rolling her eyes. “I’m not going in a tanktop and leggings.”

Blake’s eyes darken. “Gotta say though, those _leggings_ hug you in all the right places.”

Gwen hums. “You should see what I’m wearing underneath it.”

“Fuck, don’t say that.” He grunts, causing her to laugh.

“Seriously though, what do I wear?”

Blake ponders it over for a second, settling on a wide-ranged answer that only leaves her with more questions.

“Something you can move freely in.”

She gets up off the couch, her hand grabbing his arm.

“Are we going into the wild?”

“The… _wild_?” He asks, stifling his booming laughter. “Baby…. you know what, no, we’re not going into the _wild_. I’m taking you into the city.”

She slaps his chest softly, feeling a flush creep on her features.

“You’re making fun of me.”

His strong arms wrap around her fully, pressing a soft kiss to her temple.

“You’re just very adorable, that’s all.”

She scrunches her nose. “Still feeling kinda made fun of.”

His finger tips up her chin, placing a soft kiss on her lips.

“My bad. Remind me to make it up to you later tonight.”

The familiar stirrings in her lower abdomen come back with a vengeance, the grin on her face unable to contain.

“Oh, I’m counting on it.”

* * *

She had soaked up the moment with pure delight when she came down the stairs, dressed in short skirt and fishnets, a tight black top hugging her chest. She decided she wanted to go for full freedom in movement, but also show-stopping and flirtatious. Blake’s eyes lit up when she did a little spin for him, his arms immediately catching her in another hug, forcing her lips apart with his tongue as he almost took her against the railing.

Gwen hadn’t objected to the idea, but Blake had other plans and eventually pried himself away from her long enough to get his car keys.

The drive took less than half an hour, the small town still lit up. Blake wasn’t lying when he said there’s not a shit ton to do here, but the numerous of cozy bars and restaurants they pass give her a warm feeling. It all looks incredibly normal, incredibly _private_. Such a stark contrast to what she’s used to back in LA.

Blake parks the car, waiting for Gwen to appear next to him.

He gently guides her to the bar with a hand on the small of her back, his free hand holding the door open for her.

When she enters the establishment, she realizes she was wrong. This isn’t a bar. It’s a full-blown music venue too, numerous booths scattered around the place with friendly waiters bringing around drinks. There’s a live band playing music on the stage in the back, the dim lights making it feel exceptionally cozy.

Gwen gasps. “ _Blake_.”

He turns into her. “You like it?”

She nods, her hand grabbing his.

“It’s beautiful. Do you come here often?”

Her eyes continue to scan her surroundings, Blake’s hand on her back pushing a little to get her to move with him. It finally snaps her out of her daze, as she realizes they’re being seated.

“Not too often.” Blake says, smiling at the waiter who shows them their seat. “Been here once or twice, but never with a date.”

They sit down at the romantic table for two, a candle lit in the middle and a drink menu placed neatly between the holder.

Gwen realizes that the vacated space next to them is meant as a dancefloor, though no one seems intoxicated or in love enough to make use of it yet.

“This is so adorable, Blake.” She says, again taken aback by his sheer eye for romance. “So cute.”

“I’m glad you like it.” He smiles, grabbing her hand and running his thumb across her knuckle. “I know coming here is a bit of culture shock for you, so I want to take you to the places that will make you feel comfortable.”

Gwen smiles softly at his words.

“I think I’ll be comfortable anywhere as long as you’re there.” She answers.

Blake’s eyes shine at her words, his reply interrupted by the waiter asking for their order. She orders a dry martini while Blake goes for a simple Sprite, before they’re left alone again.

She bites her lip. “You’re not getting anything alcoholic?”

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.” He shrugs, a soft smile gracing his features. “I know I have in the past.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you what you could and couldn’t do.”

His features soften.

“It’s okay. I had a drink today before we left, I don’t need another. It’s all about moderation these days, right?” 

She feels herself tearing up, squeezing his hand. “ _Right_.”

“Do you want to know why I suddenly wanted to bring you here?” He asks softly.

She glances at him, nodding. “Please.”

“I’ve always felt like I _needed_ to do these things to feel good about a relationship.” He starts, his hand continuing to hold on to hers. “Being romantic, planning getaways, those would be the heights, you know?” Gwen nods, because she _does_ know. “But with you, I could watch tv or sit on the couch for as long as you want and never have the urge to go anywhere else. Being around you is enough for me.”

Gwen feels herself getting emotional, swallowing roughly.

“It’s very easy with you.” She agrees on a whisper.

“Yeah. Which would make it so easy to forget about this part, skip it all together…” He continues, his thumb rubbing the top of her hand. “But I don’t want to do that either. I want to take you out on dates, show you off…not because it’s the only thing we have, but because it’s _another_ thing we have.”

Gwen leans forward a little, the warmth of the candle in front of her blowing warmly against her chin.

“If we weren’t in public right now, I’d totally kiss you.”

Blake laughs, eyes twinkling.

“If I gave a damn about that, I might _not_ have.”

She frowns in confusion before his free hand cups her cheek, pulling her closer to him. His lips touch hers gently, his teeth nipping at her bottom lip before he lets go. Though his lips are no longer touching her, his hand is still cupping her cheek and Gwen can’t help but go in for another brief kiss, addicted to taste of him.

Their waiter clears his throat a little awkwardly, grinning at them.

“Sorry to interrupt.” He says. “One martini and a Sprite?”

Gwen sits back, slightly flustered while Blake seems completely unaffected.

“Thank you, man.”

Once the waiter walks off again, Gwen lets out a mortified giggle.

_“Oh my God.”_

Blake chuckles. “Trust me, he’s seen worse.”

She tries to be mortified over it a little longer, but she can’t say she regrets it even for a second. Being with Blake in this way, letting his carefree spirit engulf her in these moments, makes her feel incredibly alive.

He clinks his glass with hers, smiling.

“Cheers, baby.”

“Cheers.”

She nips at her drink, feeling the familiar warmth spread down her throat and through her chest. She can’t remember the last time she felt this happy.

“Happiness is a damn good look on you.” He murmurs, his eyes practically undressing her, his smile larger than life.

She swallows roughly. “I don’t even remember the last time I’ve been on an actual date.”

“That’s a shame.”

She shrugs. “I don’t want to waste my time with people anymore; I’m too old to go on dates for fun.”

Blake frowns. “Now that’s a load of bullcrap.”

She snorts. “Why am I not surprised at that reaction?”

“Because you know I’m right.” He grins, grabbing her hand again. “You’re not too old for anything, plus dates are always supposed to be fun. If it’s not, you shouldn’t be doing it at all.”

She gets lost in the feel of his calloused hand rubbing hers.

“Maybe that’s why I never went on one.”

Blake hums, surprising her when he stands up and tugs her along to do the same.

“What are we— “

“Dancing.” He interrupts her, pulling her to the empty dancefloor.

“Blake.” She whispers bashfully, looking around to find no one else with the same idea. “We’re the only ones on here.”

“ _So_?” He asks her cheekily, holding her close to his chest, mouth lowering to her ear. “Let everyone else be dull. Never us though, darling.”

The moment they’re spotted by the band, the music changes from a soft country tune to a jazzier one, causing Blake’s hands to grip her lower back tighter.

The way he holds her makes her feel light-headed with want, his hands just the right side of tight on her body.

“You never told me you could dance.” She whispers in his ear as he sways her lightly and effortlessly.

“You never asked.”

She gasps and giggles when he turns her around, her back plastered to his front as his head leans against her shoulder. His arms around her stomach make her bite her lip in anticipation.

“You’re a man of many surprises.”

The low sound in her ear makes her want to turn around and make out with him right then and there, but instead she holds onto his arms on her abdomen, letting her eyes close.

“Maybe.” He says, turning her around again, hand cupping her face. “But I’m very see-through at times, too.”

“That so?” She whispers, leaning into his hand. “In what ways?”

“In all the ways I want you.” He says, kissing her nose before nuzzling it. “In how powerless you make me, how happy.”

She feels the stirrings in her gut again, her hands gripping his waist.

“You can’t say these things to me in public.” She whines, forgetting about the music and feeling Blake’s hands on her hips to guide her soon enough.

“Why?” He taunts, lips brushing against the shell of her ear. “I thought you said dates weren’t fun, I thought you were too _old_ for all of this…”

She laughs breathily, closing her eyes and leaning into the touch of his hands with her body, the touch of his lips with her head.

“You’re way too smug.”

Blake chuckles. “You make me that way.”

She purposefully rocks her hips into him once, a mischievous spark entering her eyes.

“You just wait till we get out of here.”

His brows raise, a dirty smirk taking over his mouth. He doesn’t say anything though, knows that their control is hanging on by a thread. She sways with him for the remaining of the number before sitting down at their table again, drinking the last of their drinks.

* * *

They end up staying for another hour before Blake takes care of the tab and takes them home again. She’s caught between wanting to lay in his arms on the couch again, much like they did before they left, or take charge of him right there and hear him make those sounds for her.

When his hand softly runs along her lower back as he walks past her, the decision is easily made.

She sways her hips a little as she walks, more like sauntering over to him. She gives him a hard shove, pushing him down onto the couch with a smile.

He licks his lips at the sheer dominance she portrays, unable to hide his smirk.

“What’s going on with— “

“ _Shhh_.” She presses a finger against his lips as she slowly lowers herself to her knees in front of him, holding his gaze firmly as she undoes his pants.

She watches his eyes widen when she pulls his cock from the confines of his boxers. He stifles a moan as she starts so stroke him ever so softy. Her thumb teases the tip for a mere second, causing him to jerk. He groans in sheer amazement when she takes him into her mouth, sucking his head before slipping off him briefly.

“Fuck, baby.” His hands tangle in her hair as she bobs on him, unblinking.

She feels herself moving lower and deeper with each try, his fist in her hair slightly tightening. She moans with him in her mouth, making him buck up a bit as she moves one hand to his hips to keep him down.

He starts pulling her hair lightly, signalling he’s getting close, but she just shakes her head before letting him slip out of her mouth again.

“Don’t.” She whispers, licking her lips. “I wanna taste you.”

His eyes nearly roll to the back of his head, his loud groan bouncing off the walls as her hot mouth engulfs him again.

His legs start to tremble, while he thrusts softly and carefully into her mouth. Her hand on his hip seems to remind him to not go too far, presenting as one small limit.

“Baby, I’m gonna come.” He whispers, causing her to smile around him.

Another moan escapes her, but she waits until his eyes open again. She wants him to see what she’s doing; she needs to see the want in his eyes. Once his eyes lock on her again, she slowly backs up and kisses around his shaft.

“Not yet.’ She stares at it, amazed at how it twitches by itself.

“You’re killing me.” He groans, eyes staring down at her hard. “Please, baby."

“You want me?” She coos.

“So fucking bad.”

The sheer desperation in his voice surprises her, the need in his eyes mirrored in her own. Unable to drag it out any longer, she lets her mouth cover him again. His grunts turn into a desperate moan when she sucks around him, her hand reaching for the base of his cock.

“ _Fuck_.” He sneers, hips bucking up once more, his hand in her hair pushing her slightly deeper.

She stays there for a moment, satisfied when he shudders out his breaths, his release hitting the back of her throat.

She lets him slip out of her mouth, making sure to catch his gaze when she obviously swallows.

“Shit Gwen, come here.”

His voice sounds rough and low, his fucked-out face something she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to go without again.

She helps him pulls his pants back up before straddling his hips, his hands immediately cupping her cheeks. He doesn’t seem to give a damn where her mouth has been seconds earlier as he crashes their lips together, prying her mouth open with his tongue.

He kisses her breathless, chuckling when she chokes on a bit of air.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking amazing.”

She smiles, her hand caressing his scruffy jaw.

“Is it bad that I thought about doing that for at least an hour while we sat there?”

He chuckles lowly. “No, but it’s a damn shame you didn’t let me in on those thoughts.”

She hums. “Well, _one_ of us had to keep thinking straight.”

His hand rubs her thigh, eyes darkening.

“You want to head upstairs?”

She bites her lip.

“Actually….” She whispers. “Can we just lay on the couch for a little while longer?”

He smiles brightly at her.

“Of course.”

She gets off him, biting her lip.

“I’ll go freshen up, change into some more comfortable clothes…. wait here?”

His eyes portray nothing but softness and care when he looks up at her, his body sinking back against the couch cushions, features still slack and relaxed.

“I ain’t going nowhere, beautiful.”

* * *

It takes her less than ten minutes to walk down the stairs again, two distant voices making her pause her steps. She hadn’t heard the doorbell ring and couldn’t imagine Blake inviting anyone during their private time. She catches Blake with his back to her as he talks to whoever is at the door, her legs slowly carrying herself over to the couch.

She’s curious to find out who he's talking to but doesn’t feel comfortable inserting herself in the conversation either. She stays back on the couch but keeps her gaze locked on him.

Something about Blake’s demeanour immediately causes an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

Not only was she looking forward to having some more alone time with him, she also didn’t prepare to be introduced to anyone _else_ on this trip.

The whole time Blake’s talking at the front door, she’s looking around the spacious home, smiling to herself when she starts picturing more of her own accessories blending in here. It’s definitely a culture shock, but there’s actual appeal in it too.

Blake finally walks her way again, the stranger right behind him.

Gwen stands up, ready to introduce herself when Blake takes the initiative. “Gwen, this is Randy. Randy, this is Gwen. My girlfriend.”

She smiles widely at the introduction, the butterflies in her stomach momentarily drowning out the worried gut feeling from before.

“Nice to meet you.” Randy shakes her hand, a heavy southern accent lacing his words. “Blake really outkicked his coverage on this one.”

Gwen smiles. “Nice to meet you too.”

Blake rubs the back of his head once, before motioning towards the couch.

“Sit down brother. Can I get you anything?” He sounds a little stressed to Gwen’s ears, but she credits that to his surprise.

“A simple beer will do, man.”

Blake briefly squeezes her shoulder, getting her attention. “How about you?”

She shakes her head, eyes focusing on his face. “I’m good, thank you baby.”

She watches as he makes his way to the kitchen, directing her attention to the other man on the couch. A scraggy beard climbs his face, as if he just started to grow one out, his features rather rough around the edges. She could tell he carried himself with a faux sense of casuality, something that made her wonder what was behind the mask.

“Do you live around here?” Gwen asks, trying to spark up conversation and end the sudden silence that fell upon them.

Randy nods. “I live about forty-five minutes East from here. Blake is hardly ever home though, he’s a real bitch to get a hold of.”

Gwen wonders if he’s aware of all the reasons _why_ Blake decides to not always come home.

“How long have you known him?”

“I met him when he was 20, he had been grinding his way through Nashville for a few years before I met him but didn’t have anything going on yet. So that must be like, what…. fifteen years?”

Gwen suddenly feels herself grow quiet. This man has known Blake for over a decade, which must mean he’s aware of his rough past. She feels herself getting just a little insecure, meeting such a long-time friend, someone who knows Blake so much better than she does, as it's just a tad overwhelming to deal with so out of the blue.

“That’s a long time.” Gwen states softly. “You two must be close.”

“That’s my brother. We’ve gone through everything together; no matter how Hollywood he gets, that’s still the guy who’d spent hours with me out in the country, smoking some backwood till we passed out.”

Gwen swallows roughly, nothing about Randy’s statement making her feel good. Not the way he condescendingly accused Blake of switching up, nor did she appreciate the nod towards his smoking days, considering everything they know.

“Here you go.” Blake comes walking back in, handing his friend a cold beer while sitting down next to Gwen, an arm coming around her.

She automatically leans into his side a bit more.

“I wish I’d known you’d come over.” Blake mentions to Randy, one hand leaning on his knee. “I would’ve been a bit more prepared.”

“I know, I know.” The other man concedes, throwing his other hand up. “I just remembered you were gonna be here this week and I was driving around and figured, why the hell not, right? We haven’t seen in each other in months.”

“A year and a half.” Blake corrects him softly, a hint of pain evident in his words.

Gwen immediately turns her head to look at him, sensing the tension in his jaw.

“Shit, that long already?” Randy shoots back, taking a large gulp of beer. “I don’t know, man. Things have been crazy, Anne left…”

“Yeah I heard. I’m sorry about that.”

“Thanks, it was bound to happen at some point. I’m just glad I was left with the house.”

“How have you been doing?” Blake asks. “Staying healthy throughout all of it?”

Gwen squints her eyes again, something about his question not sounding as casual as she normally would’ve heard it.

Randy starts laughing quietly. “I’ve been getting by, that’s all that matters. I was wondering when you were gonna come over again though; it’s been way too long.”

Blake grimaces, his arm around Gwen involuntarily tightening.

“I know. We’ll make it happen one of these days.”

“Good. You can bring that pretty lady of yours too if she’s up for it.”

Blake looks at her quietly, knowing _exactly_ what she wants to say but keeps inside. She’s starting to understand the gut feeling she had earlier; something about this friend of his rubbing her the wrong way and then some.

Blake chuckles nervously. “We’ll see about that.”

“I’m not here that often.” Gwen offers, shooting Randy a brief look. “Thanks though.”

The man shrugs, taking another sip of his drink.

“So how did this happen? The two of you don’t seem like a likely pair. Howd’ya meet?”

A silence falls again, and she’s grateful for Blake when he ends it.

“Right place at the right time, I guess. We met a bar.”

Randy’s eyes widen. “Typical place to find a hook up.”

“It wasn’t like that.” Gwen retorts defensively, even if it really _was_ like that at the beginning. It’s not something she necessarily wants in this guy’s head.

“There was just an instant connection there.” Blake nods, his hand rubbing her upper arm. “It just felt right, hasn’t stopped feeling right ever since.’

Gwen smiles softly at his words, even when she’s still feeling incredibly bothered by Randy’s presence for some reason.

“I’m happy for you brother.”

Blake smiles and nods. “Thanks.”

“I must be intruding on y’alls evening.” Randy says eventually, setting down the empty beer can. “How about I hit the road and we catch up another time, huh? Get a few beers, a few joints maybe?”

Gwen’s eyes widen, but Blake’s hand on her arm gently keeps her from making any sudden statements.

“I don’t do those anymore, but let’s catch up another time.”

Randy nods. “Suit yourself. Walk me out?”

Gwen keeps her raging feelings to herself, wincing when she loses the heat of Blake’s body as he stands up to walk his friend out.

“Nice meeting you, Gwen.” Randy exclaims while grabbing his jacket from the chair and draping it over his shoulders.

“Nice to meet you.” She murmurs, not getting up to shake his hand another time.

He just nods before Blake’s hand on his back ushers him towards the front door.

Gwen can only sit there, waiting and watching, the large window that looks out over the driveway showing the two men talking in front of Randy’s truck.

It’s people like Randy she wishes Blake would not hang out with anymore. She knows the impact the wrong crowd can have on you, especially as an addict. She’s seen her brother go down the wicked path a bunch of times because of it.

Blake is in recovery though, has been for a year, and she was serious about giving him the benefit of the doubt. Trusting him.

Blake is different from Todd in a lot of ways, the will power he possesses something she hasn’t seen before that often. The strength and desire to do right are driving forces in Blake’s live.

Her eyes keep looking at the exchange going on outside though, Blake’s demeanour slightly less tense than it was earlier tonight, though she can still tell he’s not completely relaxed.

She watches as the two men engage in another hug, a friendly handshake the last thing she sees before Randy gets in his truck and drives off. Gwen turns her head away from the window, feeling bad about spying on them the whole time they were out there.

When Blake walks back inside, every worry she had before Randy arrived comes back in tenfold. The look on Blake’s face is tense, one of his hands twitching against his side.

She stands up immediately.

“Blake, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Her hand reaches out for his face, the tension in his jaw palpable underneath her fingers. It confuses her because the exchange she witnessed outside didn’t seem tense at all.

His other hand is balled into a fist tightly, and she’s surprised when he offers it to her as if she needs to unfold his fingers.

“Please take it from me.” He whispers, strained.

Confusion works its way onto her features as she places a gentle hand over his fist, willing his fingers to relax. He opens his hand on cue, her stomach dropping fifty floors.

In the palm of his hand lays a small plastic packet, the fine white crystalline powder taunting from inside.

Her hand works in lightning speed, taking it from his palm.

He looks at her, sad and disorientated, swallowing roughly. “I didn’t know...he wouldn’t…. I’m sorry.”

His words don’t make much sense and she can tell he’s struggling.

“Did he give you anything else?” She asks softly, yet sternly.

Blake shakes his head.

“Why did you take it from him?” She whispers, shaking her head. “God Blake, why was he here in the first place?”

“I don’t know.” Blake breathes. “It happened so fast…. I don’t know, Gwen.”

She nods. “Okay, it’s okay.”

Her hand moves to his wrist, getting his attention.

He just shakes his head, his voice sounding almost like he’s in pain, and she realizes that he probably is.

“Flush it, get rid of it Gwen, I’m serious. I might not…. please get it out of here.” His words come out rough and broken, the sound scaring her a little.

She nods, yet the sheer confusion and shock about the situation keeps her from springing into action immediately.

“Jesus, I’ll do it.”

She yelps when he takes the package from her unexpectedly, the movement much rougher than she’s used to from him. Her heart hammers when she realizes he’s walking towards the kitchen, her hurried footsteps carrying after him.

“ _Blake_.”

His one hand leans on the kitchen counter, his breathing coming out rougher. She doesn’t dare to move, just stands and stares at him from a few feet away.

His gaze moves from the marble on the counter to the white powder in his hand, and every second that passes while he holds on to the drug, makes Gwen’s mind spin. Her heart feels like it’s close to beating out of her chest, the pounding sound in her ears making her dizzy.

“I just….” Blake sighs deeply, the sound utterly guttural and painful. “Give me a second.”

As much as she wants to, every time his eyes dart down to the plastic in his hands, her faith gets shaken just a little too feverishly.

She takes another step towards him, her chest heaving. “Give it to me, let me do it.”

The red flush on Blake’s neck tells her he’s trying hard to internalize everything he’s feeling, his jaw twitching violently.

She reaches out for him again, finally sparking a reaction from him.

“Don’t.”

His voice doesn’t hold a lot of power to it, but she can tell he’s serious. It doesn’t stop her from reaching for his hand again though, her own fears preventing her from being patient.

“I _said_ , give me a damn minute.” He hisses at her, jerking his hand away from her, causing her to flinch and step backward.

Her hand grips the edge of the counter _hard_ , her knuckles turning white.

He looks at her with a guilt-stricken look in his eyes, his features immediately softening at the fear he must see on hers.

“Gwen— “

In a move he doesn’t expect, she reaches out for his hand again, this time successfully snatching the content from his fingers.

She doesn’t waste any time turning the tap on, her fingers shaking slightly as she slides open the small plastic bag. She shakes all the contents out in the sink, letting the faucet take all of it down the drain.

“Gwen, can you please calm down?”

She throws the plastic aside when it’s empty, shaking her head.

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down right now.”

Her breathing stutters out brokenly as she watches the white powder glide away, while Blake’s quietly standing beside her.

When she’s convinced all of it is gone, she turns the tap off, turning to face him.

“Who is he?” She asks him on a whisper. “Who the hell was that?”

Blake leans back against the counter, his eyes red and shoulders hung low.

“He’s an old friend. He’s one of the people I used to get high with.”

“And you told him you were in town for what?”

He looks at her incredulously. “Not for _that_ , if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Why do you still talk to him?”

“I don’t really, he’d been asking me to hang out for a few weeks and I guess I let it slip that I’d be here this week. That’s it. We didn’t make any plans to get together, I didn’t even know he’d show up here.”

“He obviously doesn’t want you to get better.” She says angrily. “He wouldn’t have done this if he did. You can’t actually meet up with him, you know that right?”

“Are you my damn mom or my girlfriend right now?” He snaps.

“I’m the one who just had to flush your fucking coke.”

Her words make him flinch, and she’d feel bad if she weren’t so fucking angry. Angry at his friend for showing up here and jeopardizing Blake’s health in such a vile way, and angry at Blake for even having allowed Randy back into his house.

“I’m sorry.” He exhales, running a hand over his mouth. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

Gwen feels her eyes watering. “Just please tell me you’re not gonna meet up with him later. Please, Blake.”

He shakes his head. “I won’t.”

“Not ever.” She says, a tear gliding down her cheek.

“I won’t, Gwen.” His eyes widen when he sees her cracking posture, his hand pushing him off the counter and towards her. “Don’t cry, baby.”

It’s not until Blake’s running his hands down her arms that she realizes she’s shaking.

“I _hate_ him.” She grits out, feeling her breathing come out shallowly. “I fucking hate him.”

Blake nods, his hands trailing down to her waist and holding her close to him.

“I understand. I’m sorry about all of it, Gwen.”

She cups his cheeks, making sure his undivided attention is on her.

“I get that he’s your friend. I get that it’s hard for you to be back here and be faced with everything that you’ve lost. I know that, I really do. But you can’t hold on to these people who are obviously bad for you. You don’t deserve to be around anyone who would put you in harms ways like that.”

Blake swallows roughly. “I know.”

“What would’ve happened if I wasn’t here?”

“I wouldn’t have taken it.” He nearly gasps, clearly offended by her even suggesting it.

“I didn’t say you would’ve. But you would’ve had to do this all alone, you would’ve had to go through this night by yourself. All because Randy can’t stand having lost his _drug buddy_.”

Blake closes his eyes, flinching a little.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. You looked at me like you thought I’d hurt you.”

She shakes her head, though he can’t see it.

“I thought you would hurt _yourself_.”

She can feel his jaw flex underneath her hand, his head shaking. “This is not gonna be a good night, Gwen. I can take the couch; I don’t want to scare you anymore than I already have.”

Her eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”

“Gwen— “

“You’re _not_ taking the couch.” She says sternly, her hand squeezing his cheek a little. “Look at me, Blake.”

He opens his eyes, a glassy sheen covering his blue irises.

“I know myself.” He whispers. “I’m not gonna be able to shake this tonight and I’ll just keep you up with the nightmares, the shakes.”

She shakes her head. “Then that’s what we’ll deal with together.”

She can tell he’s about to object again, but she’s not about to let him tell her off again.

“I know my earlier judgements scared you...” She says softly, a simple truth hitting her hard suddenly. “I get why you feel like you need to hide this part of yourself from me, but you don’t. That’s not what a relationship is about, okay? I told you I’m accepting you for who you are, that means this part too.”

“You don’t have to…” He swallows roughly, eyes having a difficult time holding her gaze.

“What do you need right now?” She asks softly, her chest pounding with the adrenaline that runs through her.

He runs a free hand over his mouth, looking at her desperately. She understands something suddenly; asking him what he needs right now might be the cruellest thing she can do as he’s so rightfully thrown off. He doesn’t _know_ what he needs and so she takes matters in her own hands.

“Take a shower with me.” She says softly, her hand sliding up his arm.

He looks at her again, nodding softly.

She doesn’t wait for him to say any words, just tugs at his hand softly and leads him up the stairs of his own house. It’s a different role she’s taking on altogether, the passive more awaiting girl taking a backseat to the one who needs to help her loved one. In a way, none of her earlier lovers had been truly vulnerable with her before.

She opens the bathroom door when Blake gently let’s go of her hand, mindlessly stepping inside and disregarding his shirt over his head, tossing it in a pile on the floor. Gwen takes the hint and leaves him be for a second, leaning against the wall as she watches his strong back come into view. By the time he’s fully naked, she springs into action too. Her clothes are quickly taken off, as she hangs them neatly over the vanity, picking up Blake’s clothes from the floor to do the same for him.

The room becomes condensed, the hot water from the shower heating up the walls.

Blake holds his hand out for her, letting her step inside first. She smiles at him, not expecting the small gesture to still be one he’d think of in this moment.

As soon as the spray hits her body, she turns them around. Blake’s positioned with his back to the shower head, her hands softly sliding down his naked chest.

The short hairs there feel familiar beneath her fingertips as she lets them slide even lower, about to touch his stomach before her wrists get locked in a tight hand. She looks up at him confused, slightly shocked at the rough way he’s holding her hands still.

“Can you…” He swallows roughly, ducking his head lower, splashes of water falling on the back of his neck and shoulders. “I’m about to crawl out of my skin as it is…I _can’t_ …”

She nods, pulling her hands back from his grip. “No touching, got it.”

“At least not like _that_.” He answers lowly, his voice a rough and broken sound.

“Can I wash you?”

He nods softly, his eyes once again diverting away from hers.

She grabs the grey loofah from the shower stand behind him, making sure to keep from touching him too intimately, no matter how tempted she is to do so. She squirts a bit of bath gel on the fluffy sponge before looking at him hesitantly.

“You sure it’s okay?” She asks once more, hit by the incredible amount of pain in his eyes.

“ _Yeah_.”

She nods while slowly lowering her hand to his right shoulder, her free hand cupping his cheek. She tries to keep her touches light and fleeting; no exploring, no sudden detours.

He relaxes a little in her hold, which makes her feel comfortable enough to slide the loofah a bit lower, brushing along his throat and chest. One of his hands slide to her hips instead of keeping them in fists besides his body. The small development tears a soft smile to her lips.

“It’s okay.” She whispers as she feels him shudder out another breath, the wash cloth moving across his stomach just briefly.

She moves along quickly, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable in any way. When he lowers his head to her shoulder as she continues to wash his arms and back, she bites back a few of her own cries.

“Sorry.” He murmurs, though for what she’s not quite sure.

“Don’t be.” She whispers, momentarily resting the loofah between their bodies. “You want to turn around so I can do your back?”

He simply shakes his head against her shoulder, nuzzling his face in her neck.

“Okay.” She concedes softly, realizing he doesn’t want to move.

She drops the sponge to the floor, wrapping both arms around his neck, one of her hands softly running through his wet curls.

He doesn’t talk and she doesn’t urge him to. She just continues to hold him as the water clatters down around them, on them.

The usual glue that keeps his soul together is completely dissolved after the move of his so called _friend_ , his addiction once again showing its ugly face and reminding him he’s still simply a broken man trying his hardest every day. At this moment, he’s all aching muscles, like a worn canvas. His mind like a lost man at sea, desperately clinging to his only lifeline out there. She wraps her arms around him even tighter when he shakes a little bit, his head never moving from its place on her shoulder. And as the suffering begs for another round, when his world gets trapped into another hurricane, every light but _one_ switches off. She holds him, giving him no choice but to walk towards love and truth eventually. Perhaps the road to heaven is supposed to feel like hell sometimes. He might not know what he’s got to give right now, but she’s determined to make him aware of _who_ to give it to when he’s ready.

Himself.


	13. Girl, Hang Your Dress Up To Dry

He rolls around, burying his nose in her stomach as he breathes in her scent. The sheets are scattered around his back, his bare shoulders no longer covered. He doesn’t care enough about the light chill rattling his skin to move and actually bring the duvet up. Gwen’s body heat and presence is enough for him.

One of her arms is swung over his shoulder weakly, as if she started out by holding him last night and slowly let it become a light caress as she gave into unconsciousness.

He squeezes his eyes closed tight when he remembers last night; images of him shaking against her as she held him close under the covers, the memory of him shooting up into a sitting position after another nightmare that tricked him into believing he relapsed. Her soft and soothing touches and encouraging words had gently gotten him to lay back down, her gracious fingers wiping at the tears on his cheeks. He remembers the sorrowful weeping and merciful whispers, the overwhelming sense of disappointment softened by the feminine touch of Gwen’s fingers against his scalp, pacing through his curls.

His body feels sore from the constant tossing and turning throughout the night, his head pounding and eyes burning behind his closed lids.

He’s been consistent in telling Gwen not to run, but he can’t be sure that he wouldn’t have done the same thing had he not been in his own bed right now. But he _is_ , and he’s held by her soft yet steady arm, her soft breathes sounding like a mantra in his ears.

She had been beyond patient with him last night, beyond compassionate. He knows he must’ve scared her, knows he must’ve reminded her of her brother in the worst ways, but she hadn’t let it scare her once; at least not noticeably. She was determined to stay strong for him, be his beacon of light when he most needed it.

His hand softly runs up her arm, gentle fingertips pressing into her shoulder. He’s not trying to wake her, not at all, but his brain is desperate to _feel_ her—desperate to make sure it wasn’t just one of his cruel nightmares, waiting to throw him into a cold reality when he realizes she’s never been here all along.

But she is. She’s warm and soft beneath his hand.

“Blake?” He hears a soft and groggy whisper, her small hand moving up to rest on his shoulder. “You okay?”

He murmurs his response into his place on her stomach, nuzzling there some more.

He doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t feel like he’s ready to face the new day just yet. He wants to lie here a while longer, nothing but Gwen’s closeness on his mind. He hasn’t seen her eyes yet, which he likes to keep that way for a bit longer too, afraid to see a shimmer of disappointment and resentment he wouldn’t be able to blame her for.

“You need anything?” He hears her soft voice ask, on the brink of sleep herself.

He smiles softly when he realizes she’s barely even awake, yet still thinking about what she can do for him, first thing in the morning.

“ _You_.” He murmurs, curling up at her side some more. “Lie like this a while longer?”

He feels her hand squeeze his upper arm before going limp against him. Her free hand pulls the covers just a little bit higher, until his bare shoulders are no longer exposed to nothing but the room temperature.

He can tell by the sudden increase of slow breathes that she’s already giving over to the idea of chasing slumber a bit longer.

“Whatever you need.” She whispers, not once letting go of him.

* * *

He wakes to her face hovering above him, his eyes squinting at the rare sight. He realizes he’s no longer nuzzling her stomach and is instead laying on his back, her legs straddling his waist. His brows raise before a soft and tender smile graces his features.

“Gwen, what are you— “

“Needed to be close to you.” She murmurs, leaning on her hands that are placed on each side of his head, causing her body to be almost completely stretched out on top of him. “Is that okay?”

God, he can barely stand the doubt in her voice.

His arms wrap around her. “There’s no better way to wake up.”

“You don’t need your space?” She whispers, one of her hands tracing his jaw. “If you need me off of you, just tell me, I won’t take it personal— “

“I like you right here.” He cuts her off softly, swallowing. “Just like this.”

She nods, letting go of her rebuttal.

“How do you feel?”

He ponders over the question, knowing she deserves an honest answer. It’s just too much to try and formulate one this time.

“Heavy.”  
  
Gwen nods, placing a soft and deliberate kiss on his lips.

“Understandable. I do too.”

He likes her honesty in this moment; he knows a lot of people _wouldn’t_ have been, they would’ve tried desperately to make him feel better by feeding him a white lie, but Gwen knew that the best way to make him feel better was by being honest with him, by not treating him like he was made of glass.

He smiles sadly. “Understandable.”

Her hand moves from his jaw to his chin, one of her fingers tracing his bottom lip.

“Can I ask you something?” She whispers.

He holds her small body close to his, nearly sharing a heartbeat. He nods, closing his eyes when her finger runs along his pulse point.

“Will you write a song with me?”

His eyes open again, his hand stilling against her back.

“Not right now.” She adds quickly, her tone soft and inviting. “One of these days.”

“ _Gwen_ …” He sighs, biting his lip at the hopeful expression on her face. “I don’t do that stuff anymore.”

She nods. “I know, you don’t want to be part of the industry anymore. But you can’t just quit music altogether, that’s not how it works.”

“I’m not a writer.” He tells her honestly.

“That’s why we’ll write together.” She says, her answers quick and precise.

“Why do you want to write with me anyway?” He asks instead, hoping to stall, and quite possibly discourage her.

“Because there’s nothing more therapeutic to me than that. There’s nothing more beautiful, more _lasting_ than watching your words come alive on a paper.” The smile that graces her lips when she talks about songwriting is almost enough to convince him. _Almost_. “I want to be able to share that with you. I want us to make something beautiful out of this heavy feeling we both share.”

“I don’t know….”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” She challenges him.

Everything. He could fall in love with music all over again and activate that urge inside of him that he’s been suppressing for so long; the need for touring, the need for music to be the driving force in his life again, the need to be part of an industry that sold him out and left him hanging out to dry. He could write such a beautiful song with her that everything he’s been telling himself dissipates into nothingness. He wouldn’t be able to hold on to his bitterness, he wouldn’t be able to lie to himself any longer and pretend like music never was his calling to begin with. He would have to be himself again, _fully_ , and trust in his abilities to not give into his demons again.

He knows he can be the Blake Shelton who doesn’t touch a drug and doesn’t come near a stage—he’s been that version for over a year.

He doesn’t know how to be Blake Shelton, the _artist_ , without going off the rails.

“It could suck.” He lies, looking up into her hazel eyes. “You could realize I’m not talented at all and get mega turned off by it.”

She chuckles, pressing her finger against his lips to shush him.

“I don’t think that could ever happen.” She whispers, the sparkle in her eyes telling him she’s speaking the truth, like a human lie detector. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kinda addicted to you.”

He can feel her stiffen in his arms, her eyes portraying immediate guilt.

“Oh my God.” She whispers, head bowing. “I’m so stupid.”  
  
Tears spring to her eyes, his gentle hands on her back coaxing her to relax.

“It’s fine, baby. Honestly.” His hand rubs circles along her lower back, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Quite funny if you think about it…”

“It’s literally not funny at all.” She says, still sounding pained. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“So…. this addiction of yours…” He grins, pulling her into him. “You thinking about kicking it?”

She groans.

“Blake, please.”

His hands cup her cheeks, her teeth biting down onto her bottom lip.

“Too soon?” He asks playfully, pulling her in for a deep kiss. He feels her more than he hears her utter a positive response against his mouth, and he chuckles lowly before pulling back. “I’m just trying to tell you there’s nothing to get upset about. I like how you don’t treat me any differently, I like how you’re able to be playful with me, even now. Even after the night we’ve had. It’s important to me.”

Her eyes bore into his, the sweet expression he sees there piercing through his chest, nestling in his heart.

“It’s important to me too.” She whispers, her voice hoarse.

He wants desperately to say those three words that would change everything, yet nothing, but he doesn’t want to risk scaring her further. Now is not the right time, but soon.

He can’t imagine kissing this gorgeous woman for weeks to come without telling her exactly what he’s feeling each time he does.

* * *

There’s something about watching Gwen walking around his ranch that just tears at his heartstrings relentlessly. He realizes he doesn’t need to take her to his favorite spots out in the middle of nowhere, sitting on the tailgate of his truck, to have this trip be the most sentimental and important one of his life.

She’d spent nearly two hours with the horses, helping clean the stables, and simply petting and admiring her favorite one. She squealed a bit when the large animal shook his head and demanded more attention, which had led her to do the opposite. Blake smiled at her obvious nerves and decided not to tease her for it _this time_.

He’s now watching her roam around the large field of wildflowers, her hand gently caressing the colourful petals. He can tell she’s impressed by what she’s seeing, which makes him undeniably proud. He bites his lip as he watches her crouch down, giving into the demands of his just as needy dog.

When she gets up again to touch some more flowers, she suddenly jerks her hand back, letting out a small cry of pain.

He steps towards her immediately, touching her arm.

“Gwen, you okay? What happened?”

She turns to look at him sweetly, continuing to hold her finger between her fist.

“I didn’t see the thorns.” She says embarrassedly, biting her lip. “Sorry for scaring you, cowboy.”

“Let me see.” He urges gently, putting her hand in his as his gaze explores the soft skin on her finger.

“Are you gonna kiss it better?” She teases, a large smile plastered on her face when he looks up at her.

“Always.” He grins, pulling her hand up to his mouth and placing a soft kiss on the tip of her finger, letting his tongue flick her nail just for the soft gasp he knew it would elicit.

She doesn’t disappoint.

Without so much as a warning, she cradles the back of his head and pushes her lips against his. His arms come around her, meeting her kiss with equal intensity.

They decided on staying in today, neither one feeling like hitting the town after the long and emotional night they had. Staying at his ranch and enjoying each other here sounded like the much better option. He’s quietly celebrating that decision now with Gwen pressed into his arms, her tongue cheekily coaxing his to become more aggressive.

He finally pulls away, smiling at her pout.

“Before I forget…” He says, momentarily distracted when he licks his lips and can taste the sweet strawberry taste of her lipstick in his mouth. “I should probably tell you that I need to call my sponsor later. It’s standard whenever I’ve gotten close to…. _you know._ ” He stares into her eyes, searching for a hint of judgement he doesn’t find. “It won’t take long at all, but I just thought you should know.”

She runs her nails through his hair at the back of his neck, knocking his hat off by accident.

“Okay.” She nods. “Thank you for telling me.”

He runs a hand through his now exposed curls, untamed and unruly.

“Of course.” He says softly, realizing he picked the worst time to tell her perhaps, as he’s struggling to hold her gaze, about to lose the intimacy he so desperately craved, and so feverishly created a few minutes ago.

“Blake?” She coaxes him softly, smiling when he locks in on her. “Take me back to the spot you drove us to the first night we got here.”  
  
He frowns. “Are you sure?”

“It’s not dark out now, so I won’t get spooked. I promise.”

He grins at the adorable memory, placing another soft kiss on her lips.

“It wouldn’t matter if you did though.”

“I know it wouldn’t.” She replies sweetly, laughing when he tugs her towards his truck with steady strides.

“What do you want to get out there for?” He asks suddenly, already situated behind the wheel, her happy grin all the reaction he gets for a few seconds.

He took her there to stargaze, the empty field itself not much of a sight during the day.

“It’s a surprise.”

He chuckles. “Please don’t tell me you want to try and spot a damn hog or something.”

She rolls her eyes.

“Please don’t even remind me those things are out there again.”

He laughs even louder this time.

“Point taken.”

The drive is over before he knows it, Gwen’s body jumping out of his truck before he can even fully take the keys out of the vehicle. He smiles when he catches her staring across the steady distance, her back turned to him.

He knows large acres of land aren’t something she’s used to coming from California, the landscape she finds here in middle America something entirely different than the beach she’s used to.

His arms encircle her from behind.

“Here we are again.” He murmurs, smiling when she turns around in his arms and wraps hers around his waist.

“Finally.”

He cocks his head at her. “You really missed this place?”

She shakes her head. “I missed out on the opportunity to get frisky with you in public. I would like a do over on that. Right now.”

His eyes widen, nearly choking on his breath.

“ _Gwen_.”

She runs her hands up his broad shoulders, smiling filthily.

“Cat got your tongue?”

His arms tighten his hold on her back, pushing him into her profusely, his control quickly slipping away from him.

“Are you sure?”

“Blake, I need you and I know you need me too, so why don’t you stop being a gentleman for a second and do what we both know you _really_ want.”

He groans at her words, his hand fisting gently into the back of her hair.

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” He whispers lowly, catching her smirk.

“No I’m not.”

She’s right. If anything, she’s what makes him feel alive.  
  
He’s staring at her wide-eyed when she manoeuvres herself out of his grasp, pulling her jeans down while subconsciously scanning her surroundings before she's slipping her silk panties down her legs as well.

“Still convinced you’re gonna find something out here?” He chuckles, his eyes never leaving her nearly naked form. “Gwen, there’s nothing out here— “

His words die on his tongue when she throws herself at him, pushing him back against the large tree behind him.

" _God_.” He pants with a smirk. You are fucking…"

She kisses him, stopping him from speaking any more words, and turns herself around his arms. She wriggles her bare ass against his clothed hardness, bending her head back to look at him.

"Fuck me, Blake.” She nearly begs, yanking his left hand to her front.

He almost loses it right at that moment, but he possesses enough restraint to reverse their positions, being careful not to push her too firmly against the rough surface. Having another idea, he turns her around with her back to him, her hands now able to hold herself off from the tree. He pushes his pants down just enough for his cock to spring free, wasting no time lining it up with her entrance.

"This what you want?" He asks as he slowly pushes into her, making sure to take his time with it, considering the lack of foreplay.

Her head drops back further, landing on his shoulder. Her palms are flat on the tree in front of her as she moans his name twice.

"Harder." Her moans get slightly louder as she slips her left foot up his leg, telling him to move. "You're holding back…" She whimpers, and then turns her head slightly as she lifts it up. "You're not gonna hurt me. Take me like I know you want to.”

" _Christ_.” He says through a clenched jaw, starting to moving faster.

"Yes, baby. Like that.” She breathes, and she rears back to meet every one of his powerful thrusts. "Give it to me.”

Her right hand flies up to claw at the back of his head, while her other one tries desperately to keep herself upright. Her eyes shut as she gives everything over to him. He knows this moment of animalistic fucking is something they both need; Gwen’s sudden idea to do it out in nature a strategically written check.

He keeps his left hand working over her clit, light but fast, every once in a while dragging his fingers against her folds as he slips in and out of her.

“Damnit baby, you feel so good.”

He’s nearly embarrassed at the way his voice sounds, so rough and affected, unsure if she knew she’s helping him live out a fantasy he’s had for the longest.

She decides to fuel the fire a bit more.

“Is that all you got, baby?” She teases, knowing he needs this as much as she does, knowing he wants it just as badly.

He pushes into her more forcefully, her hand switching positions and accidentally gripping a stray branch, breaking it clean off.

“I’m not gonna last long.” He tells her, growling. “You first. I need you to come for me.”

She feels his hand slip up her spine and she chuckles lowly when he pulls her hair hard enough for her head to tip back. Their eyes lock and when he kisses her, Gwen’s orgasm hits her fast and unexpectedly.

She shakes and struggles to breathe as he pumps harder and faster, holding her tighter. She tears her lips away from him.

“God yes.”

A rumbling sound rolls through him as he lets her hair loose and wraps his right arm across her chest.

"Mine.” He declares softly, the slightly possessive words spoken so softly he nearly cries at the feeling behind them. "Whatever you need, just let it be me. No one else.”

She whimpers a response but his movements are relentless. His fingers still strum over her clit as he continues to thrust into her.

“Baby, oh my God...” She whispers, both of them realizing she’s close to a second climax.

She inhales sharply as her eyes pop open wider, and just as her second wave hits, she sinks her teeth into his arm.

"Holy shit.” He moans. “That’s it, baby.”

He drops his head forward to press against her neck, panting softly in her ear, his hot breath hitting against her slick skin.

She sucks on his bruising arm for a moment, the purpling skin catching her screams and cries. He’s close to coming undone himself, his body stuttering once she licks where her teeth have been before, looking back at him.

“Come for me Blakey.”

He shuts his eyes as it hits, slamming into her with slow and hard thrusts.

"Oh God.” His words come out in a low roar, his body still working to pump her as much as possible. "Fuck, fuck, Gwen."

Each word lands in time with his release, his left hand trembling as he tries like hell to bring her one final surge, and he chuckles proudly when he feels her vibrate, succumbing to his victory.

Her knees give out, her legs buckling, and he catches her as she collapses into him. Every muscle in his body tremors and he knows she can hear his soft, slow grunts in response to the way she violently clenches around him.

He tugs on her hair again until his mouth reaches hers as he kisses her slowly.

They're coming down from an unknown high as their bodies need to adjust to being useful again. He bends for a moment, picking up her black panties as he slowly slips them back onto her legs, one at a time, and rolls them up her body for her.

He kisses her again before asking the obvious.

"What were you…"

"We needed this.” She whispers, one of her hands looping around his neck. "Between the stressful day of meeting your mother, and what happened last night…This trip has been so good, but it’s been intense and stressful too. I figured we both could use the release.”

"I know.” He whispers, kissing her forehead. “But God, I’m so glad you’re here.”

She smiles at him softly, running a tired hand up his cheek.

“Glad you didn’t get interrupted this time?”

He laughs, zipping and buckling himself back up.

“I swear if I see one more hog in my days, I might actually shoot it.”

Her eyes widen. “You don’t actually…”

Her response only gets him to laugh even louder. “It was a joke, baby.”

She rolls her eyes, leaning her head against his shoulder. “I’ve seen the rifle back at your house. You’re a hunter, you can’t make jokes like that.”

He chuckles. “I forgot who I’m in the presence of.”

“You get a pass this time since you fucked me so good.”

Blake hums suggestively.

“I did, didn’t I?”

She scoffs, attempting to slap his chest but it ends up being more of a caress.

“Don’t get cocky.”

He wonders if she’s aware that with her, he could never be. He knows they’re good together, knows he can bring her the utmost pleasure, but he always credits that to her. He’s only as good as she allows him to be.

“You love it.” He says instead, knowing the truth would only embarrass her, compliments not something she thrives on yet, though he’s determined to change that while he’s in her life.

She smiles, leaning one hand against the tree still, not making any move to grab her pants from a few feet away.

“If you’re going to be cocky, can you at _least_ make yourself useful and grab my pants?” She asks, batting her eyelashes. “Pretty please?”

If he were really cocky, he’d make a comment about the obvious reason she’s not trusting herself to move yet. Instead, he keeps it to himself and takes a few steps back to retrieve the item of clothing from the ground.

“I can _feel_ you gloating.” She says, giggling.

He walks back over to her, smiling.

“You make it too easy.”

She makes a come-hither motion with her fingers, her arm wrapping around his neck when he’s close enough.

“That was really good.” She whispers, nuzzling her head against his chest.

“It was.” He affirms, her body still shaking a little.

“Take me home?”

He nods, stepping aside to help her into her pants, gently swatting her hands away as he takes the opportunity to zip her up.

When he gets to hold her in his arms when night falls, eating a bowl of popcorn in front of the fireplace while he plays her an old country album she’s not familiar with yet, he feels the emotion bubbling up in his chest again.

She will forever be the sight he keeps fighting for, the high he’ll keep chasing, and for once that doesn’t feel like his destruction waiting to happen.


	14. It's Cold In This House

She’s been home for less than a week, but she’s already missing Blake like a limb.

Their getaway had been so filled with intensity, they both agreed on taking this next week to themselves; not because they’re giving up, but because they’re jumping in.

If past relationships taught them anything, it’s that you can’t give someone what you just don’t have. They’re both tired and neither one is willing to let that jeopardize the fragile and new thing they just started to create together.

The paparazzi had finally taken wind of them too. It’s a development she hadn’t been following while out in Oklahoma with Blake, but it was a tough reality to come home to. So far, only one picture had made it out to the public, but tabloids are having a field day with the two unlikely matches hanging out.

It’s part of her life, part of _his_ too, even though he doesn’t acknowledge it anymore.

She’s nervous for how Blake will react to all this again, his hatred for fame and everything it brought him not lost on her. The headlines and stories the media are spinning about them now aren’t all kind and she’s right to wonder if it’ll be too much for him.

Hearing his sweet voice on the other end of the line takes care of some of the most pressing nerves though, as he seems to take the news relatively well.

“I saw one headline say that I’m pushing you to be Hollywood.” She exclaims, sighing into the phone. “What does that even mean?”

Blake chuckles. “You can’t let it get to you, darling. You know that.”

“I do know that, but it’s so ridiculous. How do I ignore something so— “

“Hey.” He interrupts her gently, shutting her up effectively. “You know who you are, I know who you are, the rest of the world literally doesn’t matter.”

She takes a long and steady breath, closing her eyes as she sits at her kitchen counter, one hand wrapped around a cup of steaming coffee.

“You’re right.” She concedes. “Maybe I’m just projecting all my frustration on them because I miss you.”

There’s a brief pause, a silence that lingers between them softly, before Blake’s voice pipes up again.

“I miss you too.”

The skin around her eyes crinkles as she smiles.

“This is good though, right?” She asks, wanting to make sure they’re still on the same page about that.

“Yeah. This is good.”

She nods.

“Gwen?”

A soft hum escapes her lips.

“About that song you wanted to write….do you happen to be free tonight?”

* * *

It had been a month since she’d last seen her brother, which caused a gnawing guilt to slither deep in her chest.

Even when she didn’t like it, she had to admit that he knows her well and the look on his face tells her he’s not oblivious to her conflicting feelings either.

After the third not so subtle look from him, she shakes her head and cuts her losses by addressing it head on.

“What?”

He raises an eyebrow in her direction, continuing to walk by her on the sidewalk.

“You can say it, you know? It won’t kill you.”

The sun bathing down on her skin is usually appreciated, but now it only serves to overheat her senses. She’s grateful for the slow day everyone in LA seems to have, because they have not encountered enough people to be recognized by anyone yet—including the paparazzi.

“It’s been a while.” She says softly.

“It has been.”

“I’m sorry about that.” She answers, the words spilling out of her mouth.

She can tell he’s taken aback by her apology, only prolonging the guilt she feels.

“It’s okay.”

There’s the familiar feeling inside her that tells her to drop it. Todd’s okay, he’ll get over not seeing her for a few weeks, but it doesn’t make it _right_. Despite his struggles, he’s also trying, and if she can muster up genuine compassion for Blake throughout one of his setbacks, she can hardly understand why it’s been so hard to do the same for her brother.

“It’s not actually.” She shakes her head, catching her brother’s wide-eyed glance. “I’ve been unnecessarily hard on you and I’m sorry. I love you and I just worry.”

“I know you do.” He says softly, his hand softly touching her arm. “I don’t make it easy.”

She smiles sadly.

“You don’t. But that’s not what love is; we don’t just love people when it’s easy. I think we’re supposed to love even harder actually when things are not.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

She never even realized how flustered her brother would get at genuine softness, which serves her another cold truth. She doesn’t think she’s ever been quite this compassionate, quite this understanding with him before. At least not in the last few years.

Tears spring to her eyes, her hand grabbing his arm to keep him from walking further.

“That’s not an excuse.” She tells him, her hand dropping to his. “I want you to know I’m here, okay? That doesn’t mean I’m gonna hold your hand while you fuck up, but I’m not giving up on you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”

His gaze drops down to her hand on his, giving it a light squeeze.

“Thank you sis.”

She nods. “Sorry it took me so long to tell you this.”

“What’s up with all the apologies?” He chuckles, gently nudging her arm. “Stop that, okay? We’re fine.”

“Are we?”

“Of course.”

“Stella thought I was staying away from the house on purpose.” She whispers, recalling the emotional conversation she had with her niece a few weeks ago. “She thought I was avoiding _her_.”

Todd grimaces. “It’s hard to make her understand any of what’s happening. It’s the worst feeling in the world, you know? Disappointing your kids.”

“You will beat this.”

“I admire him, do you know that? What he does, how he’s done it, I want that for myself.”

Gwen’s eyes widen. “You mean— “

“Blake.” He states simply. “I know how hard this is, I mean look at me, and he just _does_ it. Somehow he makes it look easy.”

She shakes her head. “He still struggles too.”

“I’m sure, but he doesn’t let it win. He’s found a way to cope and stick with it.”

Gwen’s chest tightens. She never stood still long enough to realize how much of a confrontation it must be for her brother to be faced with Blake; someone further along his road of recovery. She feels the need to remind him of his humanity.

“There’s nothing that separates you two.” She answers softly. “There’s no reason why he could do it and you can’t.”

“There’s nothing separating us but time.” Todd rebuttals.

“I wish this was easier.” She whispers.

The statement is almost too obvious, too simple, but she can’t think of any truer words. She wants this fight to be one she could take away from them altogether, squashing these demons that terrorize the two most important men in her life.

“Me too, Gwen.”

She pulls him closer by throwing her arms around his neck, not giving a damn about standing on the middle of the pavement, one grocery bag still dangling off Todd’s fingers. Her grip on him tightens when she spots a familiar face behind him, her heart rate increasing violently at the sight.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, immediately noticing a change in her demeanour.

She pulls back, casting her gaze down.

“Gavin.”

Her brother’s jaw tightens on cue. “I swear to God, I’ll— “

“Don’t, just ignore it. _Please_.” She begs, rolling her eyes when she hears the British accent wrapped around the syllable of her name.

“ _Gwen_ , how pleasant to run into you.” He says with a smirk, doing a quick glance over her brother before turning his attention back to her. “I’ve been trying to call you.”

“I changed my number.” She responds quickly, tired of this conversation already.

“You always had a neck for dramatics.” He retorts, cocking his head slightly. “Almost makes me wonder why I even bother.”

“Then don’t.” She snaps. “Don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t even acknowledge me when you see me.”

“Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “We had our problems, don’t you think it’s time we got over them?”

“We got _divorced_.” She spits, huffing out a breathy sound of sarcastic laughter. “That’s a little bit more than having problems.”

“You could at least take my calls.”

“There’s nothing left for us to say.”

“How about I make that out for myself, you _little_ — “

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Todd cuts in angrily, now having stepped by her side.

Gavin finally acknowledges him for a little bit longer, scoffing.

“Oh, _now_ you’re showing up for her?” He chuckles, looking back at Gwen while pointing at her brother. “Isn’t he supposed to be in rehab?”

“Todd, let’s go.” She grabs his arm, wanting to de-escalate before things would inevitable get far worse.

She’s surprised to learn that it isn’t Todd who offers resistance to being pulled away from the situation— it’s Gavin.

She looks down to where the Englishman has a vice-like grip on her arm, his touch feeling strangely repulsive yet familiar. She remembers the way his hands would feel on her, missing the way she’d adore his touch when they first started dating.

“You’re making a mistake walking away from this, from us.” He tells her between gritted teeth, letting go when she yanks her arm back.

There’s a moment of brief remembrance, a moment where the look in Gavin’s eyes reminds her of the past, of who she used to be, and she’s stuck for a minute reminiscing about what could’ve been had he not been such a troubled man himself.

She swallows roughly. “Don’t you ever touch me again.” She hisses.

“Gwen.”

“You heard her.” Todd interrupts again, now the one to be pulling her away. “Stay away from her.”

Gwen doesn’t relax until she can see her car coming into view, Todd’s hand still on her arm.

“I can’t believe out of everyone we had to run into _him_.” She whispers, tears collecting in her eyes.

“Give me your car keys.” He tells her gently, watching her intensely as he waits for her to dig into her purse.

She eyes him for a few seconds. “You don’t have to…I can drive.”

“You’re upset and overwhelmed. I’ll drive.” He insists.

She relents eventually, digging into her purse to retrieve her keys and hand them over to him slowly.

“You sure?”

He squeezes her shoulder before motioning for her to walk around to the passenger’s seat.

“This thing of ours, it works two ways.” He reminds her, voice dropping to a gentle murmur. “I’ve got your back, Gwen.”

* * *

The page is still looking painfully empty, the few words scribbled on there almost _taunting_ her. She looks over to her right, Blake’s tired frame sitting back on the couch, her problem not appearing to be his.

She pushes away the uneasy feeling and clicks her tongue.

“What if we don’t try to write about each other, but _for_ each other?” She pipes up, hoping to brainstorm with him, throw ideas out back and forth and see what they come up with like that.

Blake shrugs. “Worth the try.”

She nods. “Wanna shoot out some ideas?”

He looks at her briefly before slouching back against the couch cushion, his forehead wrinkling in thought.

“Gwen, what if this just isn’t gonna work?” He asks eventually, his voice soft with a hint of annoyance.

She pushes herself off the carpet and on the couch with him, her hand supporting her cheek.

“It’s normal for it not to come flowing.”

“I don’t know if it’s gonna happen at all.”

She shrugs. “We just gotta keep going at it, okay? Don’t give up yet.”

She knew it was gonna be a bit of a fight to keep Blake encouraged. She knows it’s a difficult thing for him to immerge in music again, no matter how great his love for it is.

He sighs. “I just feel like I’m holding you back; you’d probably have a song by now had I not been here trying to be part of it.”

“You’re not trying to be part of it.” She stops him, crawling over to him. “You _are_ part of it. No question.”

“Gwen— “

“Need some incentive?” She asks flirtatiously, straddling his hips and smiling when his hands move to each side of her hips.

She lets her lips softly brush along his, moaning when he pushes at the back of her head and captures her mouth in a deep kiss. She scrapes her nail at the back of his head, gripping his curls between her slender fingers.

She rocks her hips into him once, his hand subconsciously guiding her movements. She catches her breath against his neck, her chest slightly heaving. His hands continue to hold her waist, his breathing coming out heavier.

“I like when you cover me up like that.” He whispers, the words spoken softly against the side of her head.

She hums. “What did you say?”

“You can cover me up like that forever.” He says simply, holding her against him. “Use me, cover me up, whatever you want. Just always stay this close to me. That’s enough for me.”

She pulls back, her eyes staring down at him.

“Give me the notebook, _now_.” She says sternly, a hint of playfulness in her eyes. “You jerk.”

His eyes widen as he reaches for the notebook behind her. “What?”

“You can’t just make out with me like that and come up with lyrics on the fly. You know how crazy that is?”

He chuckles at her excitement, yet doesn’t quite share the same sentiment.

He rolls his eyes. “It’s hardly a lyric.”

She pushes off him, sitting next to him as she holds the pen between her teeth.

“I’ll show you how much of a lyric it is.” She challenges.

He huffs. “I’d rather have you show me some more of those kisses.”

She shakes her head, a breathy laugh escaping her lips.

“I will do that too, later.” She promises.

_So cover me up and know you’re enough_   
_To use me for good._

She shows him the short scrabble of words, biting her lip in anticipation. He looks from the paper back to her face, contemplating a response.

“It sounds sad.” He settles on, eyes going back to read over the few words she’d written down.

“It’s just a few lines, we have enough space left to turn the song into something romantic, rather than sad.”

He nods in agreeance.

“I just don’t want it to sound like any of us is using the other. I don’t want to sing anything to later feel guilty about. There’s enough of that in the world already.”

“I don’t really think that’s what the line means to me.” She says, shrugging. “I like to think of it more as letting someone engulf you in a positive way, directing you to something better, something more desirable, you know?”

He chuckles lowly. “Wow, you can tell who the real writer is between us two.”

She grabs his arm, tugging a little.

“You gotta stop selling yourself so short. I mean it, Blake. You’re so good.”

The soft smile tugging on the corners of his mouth are enough to direct her gaze back to the paper on her lap.

“I never thought this would be my life now.” She says mindlessly, letting the words flow a bit more loosely now.

She doesn’t even realize Blake has picked up a paper of his own, even when he does spend most of the time watching her side profile in deep thought.

“What do you think?” She asks, sharing her words with him once more.

_Looked in his eyes_   
_Such damage was done_   
_I thought I was meant for that one_

_But I made it through_   
_Cause somebody knew_   
_I was meant for someone_

Blake squints his eyes, the silence that follows suddenly making her nervous.

“You talking about him?” He asks softly.

She bites her lip, nodding.

“I saw him today while I was out with Todd, and it was so weird looking him in the eye again and realizing there was a whole past there that would never be anything more than that.”

His jaw locks. “You saw him today?”

She nods.

“He stopped us on the street, just wanted to cause some drama. He said some dumb shit and tried to antagonize us. Todd got us out of there quickly though.”

Blake squints his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to worry you.” She says, shooting him a soft smile, her hand reaching for his arm again. “It really wasn’t even worth repeating. I just realized how powerful it can be to look someone in the eyes, even when you don’t like that person at all anymore. It’s like you can see everything you once had in there, and you can’t really hide from it.”

Blake swallows roughly. “You felt something?”

“A lot, but nothing good.” She answers honestly.

“Enough to write about it though.” He counters, his hand picking up the notebook from her lap as he lets his eyes scan over the lyrics again.

She stays quiet for a second, the overflow of emotions on Blake’s face both scaring and encouraging her. She knows it’s the mindset where the best, most honest songs happen, finally seeing the flow of inspiration coursing through his facial features. She also knows it’s the one thing he’s been dreading all along, and the realization has her quieting herself.

“I don’t like that line.” He says eventually, causing Gwen’s lips to part slightly.

She didn’t know what she expected him to say, but the words feel like a direct slap to the face.

“What do you mean?” She whispers, ignorantly.

“I don’t understand why the part about looking him in the eyes has to be in _our_ song.”

“Because it made me realize I was meant for someone else.” She answers, her tone almost indicating she expected him to get that without her added explanation.

Blake’s quiet for a few seconds before shaking his head.

“I still don’t like the line.”

“It’s my truth.”

He stands up off the couch, her eyes following his movements.

He runs a hand over his face, looking down at her.

“Got it. We’re writing together but really I’m just here to inflate your ego and go with your ideas.”

Gwen gasps.

“That’s not fair.”

“ _You’re_ not fair.” He snaps.

There’s a look on his face she hasn’t seen before, the pure and unfiltered annoyance portrayed and reserved for her another slap in the face. Her heart aches at the sudden turn of events, a red flush working its way up Blake’s neck.

She can tell he’s working himself up, but she can’t get herself to say anything to bring him back down.

“Are you really being jealous right now, while I’m writing with _you_? No one else.”

“I didn’t tell you to write with me, Gwen. You were the one who pushed for this.”

“Pushed?”

“ _Asked_.” He throws his hand up, brushing it off. “Whatever, Gwen. I can’t sit here and pretend like I love everything you come up with when I just don’t.”

She lets silence linger for a few seconds, shaking her head.

“You don’t have to love everything I come up with. But I can’t do this if you’re gonna bitch about everything I say.”

“Maybe you’re not saying as much as you think you are.”

She stares up at him, shocked.

“Can you stop being mean for just a second?”

His gaze flies up to the ceiling, one of his hands messing around with a loose stitch out of its seam, close to his thigh.

“We don’t have to do this.” He reminds her. “You can just finish this by yourself if you want.”

The statement just ends up infuriating her more, the whole day cashing into her like a tidal wave; she’ll always fight to create something lasting while everyone else is okay with the bare minimum, temporarily fixes.

“I want you to try!”

“I am!” He hisses back at her.

“You’re not, _you’re_ —“ She swallows the rest of her words, throwing her hands up and offering both palms to him. “I don’t want to argue; this isn’t getting us anywhere.”

His eyes flash with a kind of pain that makes her want to close her own.

“Blake, what is this really about?” She whispers.

She’s surprised when she finds him walking back over to her, crouching down in front of her, both hands grabbing onto her legs.

She stares down into his clear blue eyes, trying not to get lost.

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” He declares, sighing. “I’m sorry for snapping at you, you’re right, that wasn’t fair.”

She swallows roughly. “Are you jealous of Gavin, is that why— “

“No.” He cuts her off, his hands on her legs involuntarily tightening at the mention of his name. “At least not exactly. It’s complicated, Gwen.”

“Don’t say that, don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.” He says, his voice desperately trying to remain calm. “You’re the first person I’ve written with since I came out of rehab.”

Gwen nods, eyes narrowing. “I know this is difficult for you. Why did you say you wanted to write with me if that’s not something you’re up for yet?”

“Because if I’m not ready now, I’ll never be.” He admits, his eyes pleading with her to understand something she doesn’t quite get yet. “It’s not the writing that’s hard. It’s the music, the urge to do _this_ again. I can’t trust myself around music, Gwen. And doing music with you is like combining the two most important things in my life and telling me to deal with possibly losing both. I’m losing my mind trying to write a simple fucking song with you Gwen, and you’re talking about looking in Gavin’s eyes and remembering a whole past with him and— “

“—You’re scared a past is all that we might end up being too.”

Blake nods softly. “I don’t want to end up in a break up song with him. I don’t want you to sing this song at some point and remember _two_ ex-lovers.”

“You’re not him.” She whispers, her hand cupping his cheek. “I could never even associate you with him.”

“Then don’t associate us in a song.”

She bites her lip, offering him a watery smile.

“Then don’t break up with me.”

Blake’s gaze searches over her entire being before narrowing on her face. “Gwen.”

“The only way this song will ever become what you fear it will, is if we end up quitting each other.” She shrugs. “I’m not planning on going anywhere, Blake.”

He exhales loudly, his hand grabbing hers off his face and holding it between his gentle fist.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with him today.”

She smiles softly. “It’s okay.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not. You need to talk about it?”

“With you on your knees?” She chuckles.

His eyes flash before he grins at her, briefly.

“You’re right, let’s even the playing field.”

Before she can even ask him what he means with that, his hand tugs at hers until she’s stumbling forward onto his lap, his arms keeping her from falling to the ground.

“Oh my God.” She squeals.

He smiles down at her, positing himself with his back against the couch as he holds her onto his lap.

“You feel like telling me now?”

She shakes her head, resting her cheek against his shoulder.

“He asked me why I stopped taking his calls. I told him I blocked his number and he was about to cuss me out when Todd intervened.”

Blake grits his teeth. “He’s glad I wasn’t there.”

“I think we all were.” She chuckles, her hand cupping his chin. “He was just trying to get under my skin.”

“Did it work?”

“I just don’t understand why I let it go on for as long as I did.” She says, sinking back into his embrace.

He nuzzles her neck. “You said Todd got you out of there?”

“Yeah, but I meant the marriage in general. I don’t understand how I could’ve stayed for so long. All he did was cheat and call me names for years. It’s hardly a life, let alone a marriage.”

Blake sighs deeply, his hand pushing her hair over one shoulder.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He whispers, his voice gravelly, even when he hardly speaks up. “You went through a shitty moment today and all I did was add to that.”

She shakes her head. “That’s not true. I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Maybe, but I wasn’t nice to you.”

She bites her lip, looking up at him again. “You got upset, that’s okay. Writing a song is intense and for you it’s even worse. We’re good, I promise.”

He leans down to peck her on the lips, savouring the taste of her lips on his own.

“Your ex is an actual idiot, don’t ever forget that.”

She giggles. “You’re biased.”

His hand gently cups her chin, locking his gaze on hers intensely.

“I’m serious.” He reaffirms, voice gentle despite the strictness of his words. “Any man who feels comfortable enough to call another woman names isn’t worthy of even being mentioned, but you’re a once in a lifetime type of girl. Letting you get away isn’t just stupid, it’s idiotic.”

She can feel her eyes watering, her chest aching for his words and closeness.

“If you ever change your mind about any of that I will be incredibly sad.” She whispers, wanting nothing more than to kiss him again.

His eyes sparkle as he can read her mind, his lips pressing into hers once more.

“I won’t.”

They make out for a few more minutes before he hesitantly pulls away. Her hands are still grabbing at the back of his neck, not ready to let go of him yet. His lips are shiny and puffy when he looks down at her, his hands stilled underneath her shirt.

“Will you hate me forever if I tell you I just thought of a lyric?”

It’s silent for a few seconds before they both burst out laughing, Gwen shaking her head slowly.

“I think I actually like you even more now.”

His eyes flash with amusement.

“Get the notepad.”

She bites her lip, kissing his cheek.

“Yes, sir.”

_It’s cold in this house and I ain’t going out to chop wood_   
_So cover me up and know you’re enough_   
_To use me for good_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you know the song Cover Me Up, you know I took some liberties on the lyrics in this chapter to fit the story better. Hope you enjoyed this update; buckle up, there's a lot more to come.


	15. Leave Your Boots By The Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while for me. Quarantine is hitting me hard and inspiration has been lacking, but I finished this last night and it felt too important to not share immediately. Much love to all of you & stay safe out there.

She had been in a sour mood ever since walking into the small studio, ignoring the few phone calls from her manager while she’s here.

Writing a song, or _half_ a song, with Blake had been so good, even with the struggles they endured. Writing on her own again felt like a rude awakening, as the channel was firmly shut again.

She’s sipping on her large cup of coffee, her jacket draped across the head of the couch while she sits there, eying the wall on her right. Normally the sight of a booth, fancy sound system and producer on her left, would be enough to get her motor running, but not today.

“If it’s not happening today, it’s not happening today Gwen. Don’t stress it.” The producer exclaims from his place on the leather chair, swivelling around to meet her gaze. “We can book another session tomorrow?”

She swallows another gulp of coffee, letting the warmth coat her throat.

“I promised to spent some time with my brother and sister in law tomorrow.” She groans, annoyed by her own inability to use her gift in this moment.

“Another day then.”

She throws her hand up, not so kindly slamming it against her forehead.

“I just don’t _understand_.” She whines, rolling her eyes. “There’s so much inspiration right now, so much going on in my life and I can write _nothing_?”

The producer chuckles, yet winces at the rough treatment she’s giving herself.

“Maybe there’s _too_ much going on.” He offers gently, a slightly apologetic smile shot her way. “Sometimes when things get too busy up there, it’s hard to make sense of any thoughts we’re forming in our brains.”

“I’m always thinking too much though…” She whispers, frowning. “I like writing about it so I can _make_ sense of it, but now…”

“Look, it’s within your realm of expertise; there’s no way you won’t figure this out eventually. Just give yourself some time—we both know pushing ourselves for songs doesn’t work. You’ll just end up with stuff you don’t want to use.”

She groans again, knowing he’s right.

“What do we do now?” She asks, feeling guilty all the sudden. “Do I just go home?”

The producer chuckles. “I know free time isn’t your favorite thing in the world, but it might be for the best. Go home, recharge, we’ll all be better for it.”

She squints her eyes. “Are you sure? I can stay here, brainstorm some more…”

“What did we just discuss?”

She rolls her eyes, laying back against the couch.

“I’ll go home.” She says, cracking a soft smile at the loud laugh coming from the producer on the other end of the room. “Just let me finish my coffee in peace, will you?”

He holds up his hands to her, indicating he’s accepting defeat.

She lets the dark liquid glide down her throat once more, trying to come to terms with her own frustration before forcing herself out of the studio.

The sun is still heating up, the morning barely passed, and she’s just reminded of her unsuccessful day again. She grunts before digging into her purse for her car keys, when the sound of flashing cameras catch her attention.

 _Of course_ she has to deal with them today too.

Not in the mood to talk, she keeps her head down and walks across the parking lot. She can hear them exclaiming her name, but she doesn’t look up, doesn’t even acknowledge their presence.

She opens her car from a distance, the beeping sounds calling across the asphalt. She combs her hands through her locks, sighing deeply when one of the men closes some of the distance between them, the camera sounds irking her.

“Gwen, is it true you’re dating former country star Blake Shelton?”

The use of the word _former_ causes a swell of anger to rise within her, but she pushes it down knowingly. This is not a fight she’s willing to have, especially not when she knows Blake wouldn’t appreciate it. He’d probably call himself the exact same thing.

Keeping her head down, she ignores him again.

“Does it bother you to be dating an addict?”

Her head flashes up suddenly, eyes squinting.

“No more questions.” She rasps, her hand reaching out for the door handle.

“With your brother in and out of rehab, don’t you think it’s a gamble?”

More cameras are going off now, the suffocating feeling they bring with their insistent following and pestering only intensifying. She can feel her cheeks heat up, anger and frustration all boiling over until she can’t help but snap.

Her hand falls away from the car, her body briskly turning around to face them.

“Mention either one again and I promise I’ll have a lawsuit ready to completely _wreck_ you, are we clear on that?”

“ _Gwen, Gwen, Gwen_.” Her name is mentioned all around her now, her head spinning with the way they suddenly all seemed to get closer. She turns back around, hand reaching for her car once more when she realizes she’s shaking.

She can feel the tension growing in her face and limbs, her breathing more rapid and shallow. She had felt overwhelmed before, but this was altogether different. Her hand didn’t cooperate as her body felt frozen on the spot.

“Back up, give her some space.” She could one of them say, but she couldn’t even check if they actually complied.

All she can do is stand there, hand frozen on her car door, a hurricane working its way through her body.

Thoughts are accelerating inside her head, yet all of them feel too fleeting to make sense of. Her heart is hammering inside her chest, the rocking sensation inside of her getting faster until it explodes into one moment of action. Her hand pulls open the door suddenly, her body sinking into the car seat before slamming it closed behind her. Her hands rest on the steering wheel, but there’s no way she’s able to drive in this condition.

The paparazzi are still outside, but the noise is significantly reduced in the comfort of her car.

The tension feels like ice water around her limbs, shutting down her ability to use them. It takes her at least five minutes to hold her phone steady enough to shoot off a text towards Blake. She doesn’t know if he even got it, or if she even sent it in the first place.

She just sits there in silence, trying to get her breathing under control.

It could’ve been a minute or five hours since she’s been sitting in the parking lot, when a loud car horn pierces its way through her thoughts.

It’s easy for her to make out Blake’s truck and she’s surprised to see most of the paparazzi that was haunting her still there. He parks next to her, causing most of the group to get separated, scattered around the parking lot before Blake’s voice addresses them. She can’t make out what he’s saying, but she’s also not completely focused.

Her mind is still going a mile a minute, her hands still shaking around the steering wheel.

When her door opens and Blake slides into the passenger’s seat, he immediately covers her hands with his own, gently tugging them away from the wheel.

“It’s okay, baby.” He coos in her ear, placing her hands on her lap gently.

She still can’t quite stop the shakes, her eyes watery as they blur her vision. Either that, or her windshield needs extensive cleaning.

“How did you…. why are you….” Her words cut off, her voice nothing but a whisper.

“You texted me remember?”

She does, but for some reason her head shakes no.

“You texted you were at the studio and needed help.” He tells her softly. “I called you but you didn’t pick up, so I came straight over here and saw your parked car with a bunch paparazzi surrounding it. I kinda figured what must’ve been going on then.”

She shudders out a breath. “I should’ve just ignored them.”

“What happened?”

Her breath continues to stammer out as she shakes her head, Blake’s hand on her arm bringing her some peace.

“Slow down, baby girl.”

She didn’t even realize she had started talking, choking on her breath soon enough.

“It’s just us now.” He tells her, caressing her arm slowly. “They’re gone. It’s just us.”

She closes her eyes, trying to focus on nothing but his voice.

“I don’t know what happened.” She whispers, a tear falling from her eyes. “It’s never been that bad, I never….”

“You panicked?”

She nods, biting her lip to keep from sobbing.

“I think so. Yeah.”

“You’ve been under a lot of stress, baby. Dealing with paparazzi on top of that is not a normal circumstance. It would get to anyone.”

Her breathing is still shaky, her hands fidgeting on her lap as she has no other way to express the raging tension still harbouring inside.

“I don’t know what to do.” She whispers sadly. “I can’t write, I can’t sing, nothing sounds right, the media is on to us, they’re talking about Todd too. I couldn’t breathe, I still can’t catch my breath, I’m tired, I’m scared. What if everything blows up in my face? What if it all goes away?”

His arms reach out for her immediately, a gasp hitting the back of her throat as she feels herself being pulled over the consoler.

“Blake, what are you— “

“You can’t drive like this, so in a moment we’re gonna change seats, but for now I’m gonna hold you because you’re freaking yourself out while trying to hold it all in.”

She shakes her head but doesn’t actually protest sitting on his lap, her head laying against his shoulder in defeat.

His hand strokes against her hair, the motion strangely soothing.

“I’m sorry they’re giving you such a hard time in the press.” He says softly. “All of us for that matter.”

She sighs. “I hate it.”

“I know, and you’re protective, especially over your brother and I get it. But trust me, we’re all aware that this is something that comes with the territory. You can’t control what they write, so why would you even try?”

“I wish they’d just leave us alone.”

He kisses the top of her head. “Me and you both, darling.”

“Doesn’t it scare you?” She asks timidly. “Don’t you just wanna run away from this?”

“Run away from the media? Gladly.” He says without hesitation. “But Gwen, if that means walking away from _you_ , I’m not interested in that at all.”

“Why not?” She whispers. “I come with extra baggage.”

“That’s what hands are for.” He shrugs. “I’m not scared off by that. We both come with baggage, that’s just how it is. I don’t think it’s possible to be human and not bring at least some shit with you when you go somewhere with someone.”

She closes her eyes again, tracing her hand up his chest mindlessly.

“How do you always know the right thing to say?”

He chuckles lowly. “I’m not. I think we both know you’re the one with all the words in this relationship.”

“Not today.”

“It will come to you. You wrote with me last night; you still have it. You gotta know that.”

“Will you stay with me today?” She asks, hopeful eyes looking up at him. “I know last night was a lot and you needed some space, but I don’t know if I can handle it if you leave right now.”

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.” He tells her firmly, holding her close to him. “I don’t need any space from you.”

She swallows roughly. “You’ll stay?”

He hums before nodding, kissing her quickly.

“Let me drive us home, okay pretty girl?”

She nods as he pushes open the passenger’s door, about to switch positions.

She’s still a little wobbly on her feet when he makes her get out, so his long limbs can exit the vehicle as well. He holds her hand briefly, nudging her with his shoulder. “You’re okay.” He reminds her, his finger stroking her wrist.

She lets some of that confidence infiltrate her being, finding some sort of rhythm again as her heart-rate calms some.

* * *

She takes off her robe, watching Blake as he sits back against her headboard.

The rest of the day had gone over alright; he’d driven her home before getting her some lunch, sitting on the couch with her as they watched some television and occasionally hit pause to get lost in conversation. It was easy with him, hanging out with Blake wasn’t something she could ever get tired of.

Lounging around in bed with him felt no different.

She smiles as he makes room for her, lifting the covers as she nestles in next to him. His arm comes around her while she lowers her head to his shoulder.

“Too much?” She asks softly, sighing in relaxation.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been needy today.” She admits. “Clingy even. You can say it if it gets to be too much.”

His arm only tightens his hold on her, his lips pressing into her temple.

“It’s not.” He reassures her gently, sounding surprised at her admission. “You can always call me for anything, Gwen. And spending the day holding you is not a bad day in my book at all.”

“We’ve spent a lot of time together recently.” She whispers, listing off every fear she has, in hopes he’s able to squash them.

He hums. “I’m grateful for it. Who knows when life will speed up again.”

She straightens against him, her gaze searching for his.

There’s a hint of suppression in his voice, as if he’s getting at something he doesn’t know how to verbalize yet.

“You know something I don’t?” She asks sweetly, biting her lip in anticipation.

He shakes his head. “Not really.”

“Are you sure?” She pushes.

He rubs at the back of his head.

“Will you promise not to get your hopes up?”

Her eyes widen, her hands intertwining on her lap.

“Oh my God, Blake Shelton. You better tell me right now.”

He chuckles. “So…. I might’ve called my manager this morning, still kinda reeling off the fact we damn near finished a song together.”

Gwen looks at him expectedly, encouraging him to go on.

“I told him I was interested in getting into the studio again. Not to record anything serious, I’m still not interested in doing another album or full on touring again, but…dipping my toe in the music scene again might not be the worst thing.”

“Oh my God.” She squeals, throwing her arms around his neck while pressing herself against him. “That’s so awesome, Blake. This is good.”

His hand slips to her back, rubbing her patiently.

“You think so?”

She nods enthusiastically. “Music isn’t your enemy here, baby. I just want you to be able to enjoy that again without feeling guilty or afraid. You deserve that.”

His eyes darken a bit, his hold on her intensifying.

“You know what else I’d really love to _enjoy_ right now?” He whispers darkly, leaning into her until he’s got her lying on her back on the mattress.

She giggles. “No, what’s that cowboy?”

He kisses her once, pulling away way too quickly for her liking. She realizes he never answered her, but the way his lips trail over her collarbone has her forgetting all about it quickly.

His teeth scrape gently against her earlobe and she can’t stop the shiver that races down her spine, infusing her nerves with warmth.

“Cold?” He chuckles, obviously knowing better.

“Shut up.”

“ _Yes ma'am_.” He breathes against her, warm exhale dancing over her sensitive skin as his hand begins a tortuously slow descend.

She shudders and subconsciously arches into him as his fingers skate across her skin, down and around the underside of her thigh.

If she weren’t in such a peculiar mood, she would’ve loved his insistent teasing, but right now she just needs him. Her fingers thread though his hair, giving it a gentle tug. He lifts his eyes to lock his gaze with her, his arms coming around her thighs immediately. She loves how he knows her already, one look in her eyes telling him everything he needs to know.

She slings her arms around his neck, winding her legs around his waist. He shifts above her, positioning on top of her.

He sinks down as she takes him inside of her in one smooth stroke. 

Blake's hand finds purchase on her hip as he withdrawals and pushes again, her sweet moan hitting his cheek. She whimpers at the fullness and nearly loses her mind when he stills completely, allowing her walls to adjust. 

She slowly begins to rock her hips, signalling she needs more than what he's giving her right now. He establishes a rhythm that feels so good, she can feel the tears burning behind her lids, her nails digging into his shoulders. Sex with Blake felt different from the start, but the longer and better he gets to know her, the more incredible it gets. 

She apologizes in a faint whimper when she scratches her nails down his back, feeling skin rip beneath her fingertips. It doesn't seem to faze Blake at all as his rhythm never falters, his mouth seeking out hers for a series of hot kisses. 

"Oh fuck, baby..."

He changes the angle just slightly, turning her into instant putty in his hands.

" _God_..." He whispers in awe as she tightens around him.

She screams his name out and curses, as he relentlessly repeats the same motion with his hips. She tries to ground herself by clinging to him, nestling her head in the crook of his neck. Part of her doesn't want to be coming so quickly, but it's totally out of her hands. 

The sight of her falling apart causes him to smirk down at her, her breathy pleas begging him to continue and slow down at the same time. He never lets up, continuing to rock into her slowly yet firmly, working through her tightness. It takes less than a few minutes to feel him shudder and let go too, his body so tightly pressed against her she can feel the tension rippling through him as if she's experiencing a second orgasm. 

His hold on her loosens after a few minutes as he falls onto his back on the mattress, pulling her half on top of him.

She chuckles at how quick they both got off, her hand sliding up his chest.

“Guess we really needed that.”

He smirks, his hand smoothing up and down her arm. “Yeah, we did.”

“No one can make me feel like that.” She whispers, her chest still heaving.

His hand tips her face up to him, pressing a soft kiss on her lips in response.

“God, I love you.”

She stills against him, her lips parting.

His wide eyes stare down at her, his hand still cupping her cheek. She can tell he’s starting to panic, but she can’t get herself to say anything as she continues to stare at him. 

“Shit, that wasn’t how I meant….” He rubs a tired hand down his face, over his mouth and chin. “I mean what I said, but I didn’t mean to say it like _this_. I— “

She cuts him off by kissing him again, the rest of his words getting muffled. Her hand pushes against the back of his head, not allowing him to get too far when he pulls away.

“I love you too.” She whispers, the impact of that statement hitting into her with brutal force, yet she’s determined to hold his gaze.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured or— “

She shushes him with a gentle finger against his lips. _“I love you_. I wanted to tell you before, I was just scared you wouldn’t feel the same way yet.”

“That night after we visited my mom...” He says slowly, his hand caressing her naked hip. “I wanted to tell you then. I know you wanted to hear it and I shouldn’t have chickened out.”

She shakes her head. “It wasn’t the right time.”

He bites his lip, pulling her even closer.

“It’s always the right time for me to love you, Gwen.”

She lets out a gentle sigh.

“I feel like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” She admits quietly. “Like it was a secret I had to hold on to or something.”

His fingers run up her side, caressing her soft skin.

“You do still feel a little tense…” He teases, pulling at her body so she’s laying practically on top of him. “You need me to take care of that?”

She flashes him a dirty grin.

“You think you’re up for that already?”

“Maybe I need a few minutes.” He admits, cocking his head at her when she giggles at him. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t make _you_ come again.”

Her eyes widen as a squeal escapes her lips, his body relentless in flipping them around, her back hitting the mattress.

He flashes her his dimpled smile before sliding down the length of her body, kissing her stomach and thighs as he goes.

Her eyes close in pure bliss when his lips touch her where he'd just been, the soft and desperate cries filling the space between them soon enough. Her hands find solace on the back of his head as he gets her to another release skilfully.

The way he licks and sucks at her makes her feel more loved, more desired than she can ever remember feeling before. The soft kiss he places on her inner thigh before moving up again has her smiling with her eyes still closed; the love they feel for each other rising to a whole new level right here in this room.


	16. Till You Came Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me nearly two weeks to write, I just couldn't get this right. I hope it turned out okay. It's a pretty important one, is all I say ;-)

* * *

_  
June_

  
She smiles at Jen who’s trying hard to keep Stella from running too fast with her little brother on her heels.

“Be careful Stella, your brother can’t run that fast.” Her mother warns, causing the child to nod once in compliance, though her excitement soon gets the best of her again.

Jen sighs. “ _This_ is why I didn’t think the trampoline was a good idea. They get way too charged up about that thing.”

Gwen giggles.

“How could I possibly deny Stella’s plea when she’s looking at me like that?”

“You’ve got is so bad for her.” Her sister in law smiles, pointing an accusatory finger her way.

Gwen smiles while her eyes fixate on the scene going on in her backyard; Stella and Leo occupied with the trampoline again, Todd standing at the sidelines, occasionally helping Leo back up when the bouncing gets to be too much for him.

“He’s looking good.” Gwen says softly, looking back at Jen who catches her drift immediately.

“He’s been _doing_ good.” She replies with a soft nod. “I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, but he’s doing some serious work on himself.”

“How long has he been— “

“Few weeks.” Jen replies immediately, and Gwen’s grateful she didn’t have to formulate the full question out loud again.

“How have _you_ been doing?” She asks, knowing full well the question goes to Todd one too many times.

She smiles, gratefully.

“Better.”

Gwen’s about to wrap Jen up in a hug when the doorbell rings, both their gazes going towards the front door.

Jen wiggles her eyebrows.

“He’s back.”

Gwen can barely contain her smile, straightening up quickly.

When Blake had told her he wanted to stop by today to meet her niece and nephew, she’d barely been able to keep from jumping him right then and there. It was one thing to meet her brother and sister in law, but knowing how much these kids mean to her, she could only smile and nod tearfully at his request. The nerves he portrayed when asking her didn’t help either.

Blake’s large smile greets her first when she opens the door, his strong arms the second thing she feels wrapping around her.

His head goes to her neck, nuzzling there.

“God, it's good to see you again.”

She giggles. “It’s been less than a day.”

He hums against the spot in her neck. “Few hours too long if ya ask me.” He pulls away, grinning down at her.

She grabs his hand, knowing him well enough to see a bit of nerves on his features. She can relate to the sentiment, still unsure of how she survived meeting his mom. Blake is yet to meet her parents, but this somehow feels just as important.

Jen is the first one to get up and greet him when Blake walks in, their grasp on each other’s hand loosening until it’s no longer there.

“I’m so glad you could make it.” She speaks as she hugs him close to her.

Gwen knows there’s an unspoken amount of gratitude there that her sister in law harbours for Blake. They don’t speak on it, but the look on both of their faces says enough. Blake would never let her speak the words out loud though, and she only loves him more for it.

He doesn’t want credit for something so obvious; his help in those moments were nothing heroic, they were simply human.

“I’m glad to be here.” He says sweetly, his gaze scanning around the room.

“Todd?”

“Outside with the kids.” Gwen responds.

Blake nods. “How has he been doing?”

Jen swallows, her hand toying with the edge of her sweater.

“It’s almost scary to say out loud, you know?” She chuckles breathily, finding his gaze. “He’s been doing good. Really good.”

Blake smiles. “One day at a time, right?”

Jen nods before his gaze goes back to Gwen, his hand reaching out for her.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Gwen’s brow raises at his question, his features immediately softening. “Nothing scary, I promise.”

“I’ll check on Todd and the kids.” Jen smiles knowingly. “Come find us when you two are ready.”

She winks at them for good measure, causing Gwen to duck her head and blush. Blake chuckles, pulling her closer into his body when they’re alone.

“I have something to tell you.” He says, pools of blue honing in on her hazel ones.

She smiles nervously. “ _Yeah_?”

He nods, his hand brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. His smile reminds her of some of her proudest moments and she feels herself getting impatient.

“I just got back from a meeting with my manager.” He starts slowly, his hand cupping her cheek. “Writing with you has made me feel some things I hadn’t felt in a very long time and it got me thinking, maybe I am letting fear keep me from doing something I miss.”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her hands sliding up his chest.

“Baby, that’s amazing.”

“Yeah. He told me there’s this country festival that consists of five or six shows that wanted me to be a part of their line-up. He hadn’t brought it to my attention cause he knew I wasn’t interested in hearing it, but he told me today and…. well, I’m doing it.”

“Oh my God.” She squeals, unsure of how to react, pride welling up in her chest. “You’re gonna be back on a stage.” She whispers.

He hums. “We’ll just do a bunch of old songs and there’s no tour coming next, no album talk. I just want to get familiar with a stage again, play some songs, just the basics that made me want to be a country singer to begin with.”

She nods, laying her head against his chest as her arms wrap around his waist tightly.

“I’m so happy for you, Blake.”

He holds her close to him. “I never would’ve had the guts to do something like this if it hadn’t been for you. If you didn’t encourage me to write and face these desires again.”

She looks up at him through her lashes, smiling.

“Sounds like you should listen to me more often.” She grins, giggling when he lets his hand slide over the curve of her ass.

“I think you might be right…” He whispers, squeezing his hand. “I promise to listen _very_ carefully when you tell me about all the things you want me to do— “

“Auntie Gwen, can I have some more apple juice?”

The two adults pull apart when the eleven-year-old girl comes crashing through the large sliding doors, looking at her expectantly.

Gwen clears her throat, fighting the blush that’s still creeping up her neck.

“Hey sweetheart, of course. Come here for a second.” She makes a come-hither motion with her fingers, smiling when Stella shows up at her side. “I want you to meet someone. This is Blake, he’s my— “

“He’s your _boyfriend_?” Stella squeals, looking up at Blake with a large smile. “You are my aunt’s special friend.”

“Is _that_ what she told you?” Blake grins, his hand stretching out to her.

Stella shakes it enthusiastically and nods.

“She tells me everything.”

Gwen fails to suppress a smile at her niece’s words.

“Now I’m a little nervous.” Blake jokes, immediately in tune with the little girl. “I’m sensing you give her a lot of great advice though so I don’t blame her.”

Stella giggles. “Are you staying for dinner?”

“I think so, yeah. Do you cook?”

The younger girl laughs, shaking her head with a ridiculous expression on her face.

“No, but my mom and Gwen make the best lasagna.”

Blake looks at Gwen, grinning. “How did I not know this?”

Gwen shrugs. “I’ve got to keep some surprises up my sleeve.”

“Blake, do you want to meet my brother?” Stella interrupts, causing Gwen to laugh silently.

Blake nods, obviously a little surprised when the younger girl grabs his hand and leads him towards the glass doors.

“Do you think he’ll like me?” Blake asks her, nudging her shoulder.

“He likes everyone.” Stella puts him at ease immediately. “He’s really little though, he’s not super smart yet.”

Gwen hears Blake’s booming laughter as one of the last things before he’s being dragged outside.

“And you _are_ , I’m guessing?” Blake teases the young girl.

Stella nods enthusiastically, and whatever she ends up saying in response causes another laugh to escape Blake’s throat.

Gwen smiles to herself, deciding to bring the apple juice outside with her as Stella completely forgot about her initial request after meeting her special friend.

* * *

_July_

“Gwen, It’s go time.”

Her manager tries to keep things moving as fast as he can, her make-up artist applying the last of her lip liner as it got smudged when she drank her smoothie just now.

She’s doing an interview and photo spread for one of her favorite magazines, and with her private life secretly flourishing and her music reflecting that positive change, she has more than enough to talk about. She can only hope the inner peace is reflected in the way she looks and comes across. There’s definitely more confidence running through her now than it did a few months ago.

A lot of that is credited to the handsome cowboy in her life. Not a day goes by where he doesn’t remind her of her beauty, her worth, her _heart_.

“Ready?” The polite interviewer asks.

She sits down with the woman, smoothing down her sparkly, short skirt and nods.

“Gwen, thank you so much for taking some time out of your crazy schedule to sit down and talk to us.” The woman starts, her voice sincerely friendly.

“Are you kidding?” Gwen retorts, clapping her hands like an overly excited kid. “This has been like my dream.”

“You’ve got so much going on; working on a new album, new shows, new _boyfriend_ …”

It must be some kind of record, the quickness in which she finds a segway to talk about her relationship, but Gwen does her best not to let it bother her.

She smiles softly. “There is so much going on, but I love it. I feel so inspired right now.”

“Will we hear more about that story in the new music?” The interviewer skilfully asks.

Gwen bites her lip. “I write about personal experiences always, so there will definitely be a lot of that on the album. It’s important for me not to focus just on that part of my life though. I think the last few months have been such a learning curve and it would be a waste not to explore every single aspect of it.”

The woman nods. “It’s been in the news a lot, your brother and his struggle with addiction. Is that something you might address too?”

Gwen feels the uncomfortable flush on the back of her neck, her body fighting the urge to fidget in the chair. There was a time where she would forbid interviewers beforehand from asking about her brother, but she hadn’t done interviews like these in so long, it honestly wasn’t even a thought in her mind anymore.

Until now.

“That’s his story, not mine. I don’t think it would be fair to explore that in the music. It’s real life, you know? Real people, not just some stories to tell.”

Gwen hopes the answer is enough to get the woman off her back, and it turns out she’s only halfway lucky.

“Has being with Blake changed your outlook on life at all? Has it made you more positive, more understanding of the struggles your brother deals with?”

If looks could kill, she’d be pretty sure the interviewer would no longer be sitting here in front of her, but Gwen regroups quietly and quickly, debating on an answer that’s both clear as it’s neutral.

“Blake and I are in a really good place. He’s an amazing person and I learn from him every single day. It’s really refreshing to be with someone who just has a genuinely good heart.”

“We hear he’s going back to the stage as well.” The girl exclaims happily. “That’s exciting. Did you have anything to do with that development?”

Though the question isn’t about her and _her_ music, she’s relieved to finally have left the topic of addiction.

“I totally encourage him to do what he loves and music is something that runs through both our veins, it’s amazing to see him embrace his passion again. He’s actually in rehearsals right now.”

“Any chance of a duet in the future?”

Gwen giggles, shaking her head. “I don’t think so. Blake’s only doing a few shows, he’s not going back to music as a full-time gig. He’s doing what’s best for him and I fully support that.”

The interview lasts about fifteen minutes longer, which eventually _does_ cover her music, her love for fashion and the excitement of being part of this magazine issue. The whole thing altogether leaves a bitter taste in her mouth though and it isn’t until she’s heading for her car, her manager and make-up artist in tow, that she expresses those frustrations.

“It’s not even that.” Gwen sighs, digging for her car keys. “The first ten minutes were all about Todd and Blake, and it’s not that I don’t get _why_ they do it, it’s just…have I really worked my ass off for so many decades to be reduced to nothing but the two men in my life?”

Her manager shakes his head. “Gwen, they need a headline. You know that.”

“I have a whole new album coming out.” She says, voice slightly raising. “How is that not news worthy?”

“I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but trust me…” Her manager starts calmly. “There was a lot of ground covered about your music. You got some really important statements out and I think it will make all your fans incredibly excited. They’ll be able to see through the bullshit, don’t even worry about that.”

Gwen bites her lip, never wanting to complain.

“Thanks.” She says, ducking her head. “I’m gonna head out. I just need to relax a bit, have some me-time.”

She somehow feels like it’s wrong to say she’s excited to go home to _him_ , knowing he’ll be coming around in less than two hours.

She hates how one silly interview can make her feel like she needs independence from him. Like being the happy girlfriend is a role she just doesn’t want to play.

* * *

Fear loops through her brain when Blake still hasn’t come home and the clock shows _12:14 am_.

She doesn’t want to be _that_ person and blow up his phone, but she knows rehearsals were supposed to end at ten and he hadn’t told her he was staying behind for any reason. She can’t help but battle her own mind; she was the one to encourage him to go back to performing, she has no right to second guess him now. But she knows Blake’s fickle relationship with the industry and music, and maybe she was wrong to push him so hard.

She tries to imagine the way Blake would comfort her if he’d be here; his gentle hand on her shoulder working the knot out, his soft voice calming her more than the actual words he’d speak, as if she were wrapped in a blanket of care, completely and utterly provided by him.

The interview from earlier comes back to mind too. The woman was more interested in hearing about her love life than anything else, and maybe Blake’s right. Maybe music is literally so ingrained in their lives, there’s no difference anymore.

A strong knock on the door almost makes her jump. She abandons her thoughts while jogging towards the front door, pleading with the universe to let it be him.

She’s in luck.

He looks at her with a soft smile, his face showing his fatigue.

“Oh my God, where _were_ you?” She asks immediately, letting him in quickly. She realizes his jacket is soaked and it was completely lost on her before that it’s raining outside.

“Nice to see you too, darlin’.” He rasps playfully, shuddering as he takes off his coat.

Gwen’s quick to take it from him, her hand softly rubbing his back.

“I’ll lay it out to dry.” She says, hanging the wet piece of fabric over her arm, the cold not even bothering her in this moment.

Her mind is still filled with worry and she can tell Blake notices it as well.

“Will you relax?” He asks softly, kicking off his shoes and pulling her in for a hug. “What’s wrong?”

“I was worried.” She whispers, inhaling the scent of his cologne by nuzzling her nose further into his t-shirt. “You came home late.”

He places a soft kiss on the top of her head.

“I stayed to talk to some of the boys. They think this festival is gonna be one of the more popular ones. They tried to credit _me_ for that, but I think people are just freakin’ ready to celebrate the start of summer.”

She’s momentarily relieved to hear him talk about it so casually, her body slightly relaxing in his grip.

Her eyes find his gaze. “You might be the reason tickets are selling better.” She says, siding with the guys.

His eyes flicker, his arm pushing her closer into him.

“You think too highly of me baby.”

She feels bad when she thinks of all the places her mind went earlier. She hates herself for doubting him, for being scared he might mess up and go off the rails, for not trusting him.

She swallows roughly. “Here, let me just lay out your jacket and get us some coffee. Go warm up in the living room.”

She tries to walk away from him, but his hand is smooth in tugging her right back.

“Give me a kiss first.” He demands lowly.

Even with her mind going a million miles per hour, she can’t do anything but swoon the moment his lips touch hers. His hand softly grabs the back of her head, his grip on her always so tender yet so strong-- she can’t get enough of it.

They pull away with a soft _pop_ , his eyes staring mischievously into hers. Before things can go any further, she pushes against his chest and points towards the end of the hallway.

“Living room.”

He chuckles at her soft and simple demand, but obeys anyway.

She lays his denim jacket across the heater in the back, before making her way into the kitchen. She punches in the button on the coffee machine with less finesse than usual and realizes her hand is shaking a bit. She wills herself to calm down, every fear that came crashing into her tonight a combination of past trauma that has absolutely nothing to do with Blake and her sudden realization about music and life. It just all doesn’t feel so innocent anymore.

It takes a few minutes to get both cups of coffee ready, and when they’re done, she makes her way back into the main room.

Blake’s lounging back on the couch, apparently reading something off his phone.

“The guys?” She asks, setting down the steaming hot cups on the small table in front of them.

He nods, locking his screen and diverting his attention to her. His arm stretches out along the head of the couch, automatically inviting her into his personal space.

She takes him up on the non-verbal invitation immediately, running her hand up his chest mindlessly.

“I missed you today.” He says, his head turning to look at her in his arms.

Her features soften. “I missed you too. A lot, actually.”

“I’m sorry I was late.” He responds after a beat. “It just felt so good to be back there again, just hanging with the guys and getting a feel of what’s about to happen, you know? I just couldn’t leave yet.”

She nods. “I’m really glad you had a good time, Blake. That’s all I want for you. Just…maybe text me next time you’re gonna stay that much longer?”

She hates the way her eyes well up and emotion rises in her throat. She doesn’t understand why she’s suddenly getting this emotional about it, and Blake seems about as shocked as she feels.

“ _Baby_ …” He whispers, his hand whisking away a stray tear. “God, I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would get to you this much.”

She shakes her head, her voice breaking when she tries to explain herself.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you feel bad about having a good time out there, I really don’t. I just…” She shakes her head, emotion causing her voice to be incredibly hoarse. “You were so worried about going back to doing music and I guess some of it rubbed off on me. So when you didn’t come home right away I thought— “

“—That I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing.” He finishes for her, his tone a bit subdued.

She nods as silence fills the room suddenly.

“Are you mad?”

He looks at her softly, his hand grabbing hers and intertwining their fingers on her lap.

“I’m not mad, sweetheart. I understand what you’re saying and I obviously should’ve called.” He holds her hand tightly, seemingly working something out in his own brain. “It’s not like it was easy being there. I had fun, but it wasn’t _easy_. There was definitely opportunity to do wrong and the way my mind is wired…it’s a constant effort to _not_ go there. But I didn’t, Gwen. I didn’t go there and that gives me hope. Doesn’t it give _you_ hope?”

She smiles a tired smile, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“You give me hope all the time.” She whispers.

“I’ll call you next time, okay?” He tells her, the promise evident in his tone. She closes her eyes and lets herself wrap around the sound of it, wanting nothing more than to completely let go of her inhibitions and concerns.

_Blake’s doing good. He’s been doing good for so long. She has no reason to worry._

“Thank you.” She says sweetly.

He kisses her cheek soundly, his fingers still holding on to hers. The sound of the rain falling onto the roof helps calm down the last of her nerves and before she knows it, she’s wrapped around the safe and comfortable bubble they’ve created together.

She knows it will be a bitch to give that up, must the moment ever come.

* * *

She feels him stir below her and her brain wonders if he can subconsciously sense she’s freaking out again.

Her heart is beating quicker due to the sudden and overwhelming realization.

She’s late for her period by a month, the cycle having completely skipped.

Life had been so crazy these last few weeks, she didn’t even pay attention to her body’s schedule.

She stares up at the ceiling, afraid to get up and wake Blake. She knows him well enough to know he can read her like a book; there’s no hiding her panic from him in this state. She wills her eyes to close once more, trying to ignore the pressing feeling accumulating in her chest.

This could simply be a singular occurrence; she might just be blowing this out of proportion. She was married to her ex-husband for over a decade, and off birth control for the last five years. It had been another fight convincing her ex she wanted to stop taking them, her age making it naturally more difficult to have children already. Ever since, she’d never missed a single period, making this occurrence now extra nerve-wrecking.

But she would’ve had half a decade to get pregnant from her ex-husband, yet never had the fortune to become a mother. She’s only dating Blake for a couple of months; it almost doesn’t feel possible.

It doesn’t stop her mind from racing though. She nearly chokes on a breath when Blake turns around, his arm wrapping around her midsection. Normally she would _love_ the closeness, but now she’s just afraid he’ll be able to feel the tension in her body, demanding an explanation soon enough.

She doesn’t even know how Blake would feel about having children at this point in his life. He had hinted at wanting to be a father at certain times, promising her that her time hadn’t passed yet, but they never talked about it in the present tense.

She’s getting ahead of herself, that’s for sure. She inhales deeply, involuntarily sliding a hand down her abdomen, meeting Blake’s arm in the middle.

He sleepily nuzzles his face into her neck, tightening his hold on her.

“Go back to sleep.”

There’s a brief flutter in her chest at how in tune Blake always is with her. She squeezes her eyes shut tighter at his soft demand.

 _“Love you_.” She murmurs, though she’s not entirely sure he’s awake to hear it anymore.

His body lets out a content sigh, causing her to smile softly. She never met anyone who’s as into proximity and intimacy as he is, and she can’t help but feel like this is exactly where she’s supposed to be.

She can only hope he feels the same way.

“Love you baby.” He replies on a whisper, pulling her into slumber with him.


	17. Breaks Open Wide

“You wanna go back out there for an encore, man?”

The stage manager pets his shoulder a few times, his voice loud to try and overpower the undeniable noise from the crowd. 

It’s a feeling he’s pushed back for so long, it feels like a million lightning bolts going off inside his veins, causing him to float somewhere between reality and a dream. 

“Don’t think I have it in me.” He half-jokes, walking further off the stage, handing his guitar over. 

“You killed that! Absolutely _killed_.” His manager approaches him next, wrapping him up in an enthusiastic hug. “They couldn’t get enough of you.”

Blake almost starts blushing at the words, ducking his head.

“That was awesome.” He admits. “ _Fuck_.” He runs a hand over his face, overwhelmed and filled to the brim with adrenaline.

“Go wind down some. You deserve it.”

He smiles politely at the words, stilling at the bottom of the stairs. 

Gwen would’ve loved to be here tonight, to cheer him on and watch him do what he loves to do. She couldn’t make it out here though, stuck in the studio and he knows how album cycles go. It’s impossible not to show up for these last-minute get-togethers to wrap it all up. He would never resent her for that.

Milo, his base player approaches him then, beer already in hand.

“God, that was fucking ridiculous.” He exclaims, smile wider than life. “Don’t tell me you didn’t miss that shit.”

Blake grins. “I did. I missed it more than I thought.”

Milo hums. “Are you sticking around to hang with us or do you need to go home to the Missus?”

“She’s in the studio as we speak.”

“Great.” Milo responds, smiling smugly. “That means we get you to ourselves for a few hours.”

Honestly, the thought of going home right now doesn’t appeal to him at all. This is a moment he hasn’t experienced in _years_ ; he needs just a little bit more time to soak it all up. 

He sends a short text to Gwen, letting her know he made it through and is off to relax with the band. He slides his phone back in his pocket, following the rest of the guys to the resting area.

The backstage lounge room is equipped with expensive catering and large leather sofas, a complete mini bar laying adjacent to the entrance. Blake eyes a large _zero percent_ bottle on the table in front of him and snorts.

“If that’s Brandon’s doing, remind me to kill him next time I see him.”

His guitarist chuckles yet pours him a glass, side-eying him. 

“No alcohol and bubbles— just the way you like it.”

Blake smiles, leaning back against the couch.

“You guys are all lucky I’m in such a great mood.”

Milo holds up his bottle. “Cheers to that.”

“And cheers to a mighty fine opening show.” Blake adds.

Hollers are made from all around the room and for a moment it feels like the old days. The loud parties, the overly excited chants, zero responsibilities except for providing a kick ass show. 

“Blake, there’s someone here for you.” One of the crew members announces before stepping aside to let a younger female through the doorway. “This is Lea Turnacky, she’s a critic at Country Music Today.”

Blake scratches the back of his head before standing up to greet her, shaking her hand.

“Blake Shelton, nice to meet you.” He can’t help but fall back on humour, feeling slightly awkward by the impromptu meeting. “Critic, huh? Should I be scared?”

She flashes him an open smile.

“Quite the opposite. That was an amazing show. Talk about a comeback.”

Blake scoffs. “It’s not a comeback.”

“Cause you never left?”

“Cause I never came back.” He smiles. “It’s just a show.”

She cocks her head and it’s then that it dawns on him that she still hasn’t let go of his hand. 

He clears his throat awkwardly before pulling out of her grasp gently.

“Still modest as ever.” The woman says, pointing towards the couch. “You have a few minutes to spare? I would love to get some inside on how you feel about the performance and what you expect for the ones yet to come.”

Blake motions for her to lead the way, not necessarily opposed to talking about the shows.

She sits down just a little too close for comfort, but he decides not to push the issue. 

“It was so great seeing you up there again, Blake. I hope you know there are thousands of fans out there rooting for you. I’m one of them.”

Blake smiles appreciatively. 

“Thank you, ma’am.”

The girl bites her lip. “Call me Lea. Please.”

“ _Lea_.”

“Much better.” She grins. “Where’s your girlfriend? I think we all expected to catch a glimpse of _the_ Gwen Stefani here.”

Blake chuckles lowly. “That why you’re here, aren’t you? Admit it. You’re hoping to catch a glimpse of your idol walking around here somewhere?”

Something in her eyes darkens, her voice dropping in volume. 

“Don’t worry, _your_ posters are the only ones I fawn over in private.”

The look she gives him causes his throat to dry, the situation all too familiar. All too _easy_.

“Shows.” He raps lowly. “You wanted to talk about the shows?”

Lea gets the message, nodding. 

“ _Right_. How about you pour me a shot and we get started?”

* * *

 _“Hi baby, I’m just calling to see how your show went. I’m so proud of you, I hope you know that. Anyway, call me back when you get the chance.”_

Gwen signs, running a hand through her hair. It’s been an hour since he sent her a text saying he got off stage. She felt terrible for having to miss his first show after such a long time, but they both knew there were certain responsibilities that came with this industry— once they couldn’t ignore. 

She had secretly hoped he’d come home right after his show, but she figures he wants some time to celebrate with the band, and to expect anything else from him feels almost selfish.

It’s tough for her to admit how complicated “celebrating” is in his world though. 

She lowers her phone, exiting her car after sitting in her driveway for ten minutes. She felt like an idiot waiting for his call to come through, as it never did and she knew it wouldn't.

She runs herself a bath, trying to pass the time, reminding herself of just a week ago; when she was in the same predicament, stressing about Blake’s whereabouts. She knows that coming closer to music again means coming closer to his demons too, and she underestimated just how terrifying that would be for _her_.

She closes her eyes, the warm water submerging her body and soaking away the tension that settled between her joints. She can’t even remember for how long she’s been sitting there when she finally decides to dry off and change into her comfortable, white robe. Her hair is up in a messy bun, the lines underneath her eyes letting her know she should probably go to bed soon.

She meant to stay up for him, but after checking her phone and still not having received a text or call back, she gives up on that too.

If he’s not communicating with her tonight, there’s no reason why she should stay up and wait around. She’s done that one too many times in her life.

The simple heartache isn’t lost on her though. Cause while Blake is out celebrating his first show back with his band, she really hoped to be celebrating something else with him when he came home.

She turns off the lights downstairs when a loud knock on her door suddenly startles her. A soft gasp escaping her mouth while she walks downstairs, running a hand along the back of her neck. There’s no one else this could be _but_ Blake and she doesn’t know whether to be angry or relieved.

“Baby….” He says, eyes wide when she opens the door, his arm leaning against the doorway. He steps forward immediately, wrapping her up in a hug and nestling his head in her neck. “Missed you so much.”

Gwen tenses for a minute, so taken aback by his sudden affection, she forgets any of the words she intended to speak.

“Good show?” She asks softly, not knowing what to make of the disturbing feeling inside her chest.

“The best.” He replies, and that’s when she hears it.

The slight slur.

He pulls away enough to kiss her deeply, her gut churning when she can taste the beer and vodka off his lips.

She pushes against his chest, leaving her hand there as she stares at him. He seems too far gone to even realize what’s happening and the soft smile he gives her makes her feel even worse. Where he usually stills the rough weathers inside her, he now causes a whirlwind.

“You shoulda been there, Gwen.” He says excitedly, stumbling over his words a bit. “It was so great, the people, the _energy_. I can’t believe any of it was real. Gosh baby, come here, let me look at you.” He tries to pull her even closer again, but she resists. “You know how pretty you are right now?”

“You’ve been drinking.”

She states the words matter of factly, taking in the way his face falls a bit. She knows he’s too wired up on the booze running through his body and the adrenaline from performing again, and he obviously didn’t expect to be met with her sour mood.

He scratches the back of his head.

“Baby girl...” He makes a move to grab her arm but she pulls away. The move destabilizes him and causes him to stumble further into her. “God, you’re so fucking beautiful.” He chuckles lowly in her ear and the tears spring to her eyes.

“Let’s get you upstairs.” She whispers. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

He looks down at her confused, yet lets her lead him upstairs.

“You’re not sleeping downstairs.” He says, shaking his head. “Baby, are you okay? You seem mad?”

She tries to shift her shoulder when he leans on it just a bit too heavily, but the effort is futile.

“I’m not mad, I’m….” _disappointed, tired, terrified_. “Sad.”

His finger traces her cheek, causing them both to stop walking right in front of the bathroom. This time she lets him pull her closer.

“Don’t be sad, pretty girl. I love you, you know that? You’re like music, I feel you everywhere.”

She swallows roughly, closing her eyes.

“Why did you do it?” She whispers, unable to look at him.

“Open your eyes.” He demands of her lowly, waiting patiently until she looks him in the eye again. “I’m fine, darlin’.”

“You’re not. You’re drunk.”

He smiles so widely it serves to fuel her anger.

“You worry too much.” He tells her simply, still touching her cheek. “There’s no need to be this tense baby, I promise.”

She steps away from him, walking around him purposefully.

“Please just go freshen up and try to get some sleep. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

“Gwen?”

A few tears fall at his surprised voice calling after her, but she doesn’t let it deter her from walking back downstairs, her heavy body falling onto the couch.

Her mind is racing and so is her heart, every nerve in her body on high alert. She tries to keep her crying noises down, not wanting to give Blake any reason to come check on her later. She doesn’t think she can face him tonight. She knows she won’t be able to nurse him through his hangover this time.

The sound of something crashing in her bathroom gets her to sit upright quickly, the cursing from Blake following right behind. When not even a few minutes later, the sound of him slamming the bathroom door shut reaches her ears, she realizes that her plan of hiding downstairs wasn’t going to happen for her.

She inhales shakily as she approaches the bathroom, carefully pushing it open.

Her chest hammers at what she finds; numerous items have crashed and fallen into the sink, Blake’s tall frame is sitting on her floor, knees folded up under him. When she goes to close the door behind her, she finds what looks like a small dent in the material from where his foot kicked against it.

“What happened?”

“The fucking door wouldn’t close.”

Her eyes widen at the unusually angry tone. The only time she’s ever heard that from him was when he almost relapsed after Randy paid them a visit at his house.

“Blake.” She exhales, sinking to her knees in front of him, her hand cupping his jaw. “ _Please_.”

She doesn’t know what she’s pleading with him for, her worst fears already becoming true. Yet, she can’t help but look at him with pleading eyes, begging for something neither one of them seems to fully understand.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He says, causing her hand to drop from his face. “I don’t want your pity.”

“Pity is the _last_ thing I feel for you right now.” She responds angrier than she expected to sound.

They are stuck staring at each other, both letting their anger and frustration speak for themselves without saying a word.

She doesn’t know if Blake’s truly angry with her or himself, but the emotion coming from him in this moment is enough to unnerve her. She hasn’t been there for Blake’s darkest times; she doesn’t know what to expect from him when things inevitably get worse and all she can do is sort through the flashbacks and memories with her brother.

Right when she thinks she might start crying again, Blake lunches forward and past her, hanging his head over the toilet seat.

His body heaves and shakes before he empties his stomach contents out in violent spurts, his hands gripping the edges tightly. She’s surprised when soft, murmuring sounds escape his mouth, breathy apologies filling the space between them whenever he’s not throwing up. She thinks he might be crying by the end of it and her anger gets replaced with genuine concern, her body sliding closer to him as she starts to gently rub his back.

He tries to speak again when he realizes she’s close to him, but another wave of nausea overtakes him. Gwen waits until he’s completely strung out, his body slouching back against the vanity with a thud. His eyes are red and puffy, his throat and chest flushed, as he looks completely wrecked.

He’s shaking like a leaf and she can’t help the fearful voice that escapes her throat.

“What did you take, Blake?”

There’s no judgement in her voice, just worry, and Blake’s eyes widen some more at her question. A pained and hoarse cry strangles itself free from his mouth.

“Vodka.” His eyes close, a painful grimace appearing on his face. “Some shots. God, I’m sorry.”

“Just that?” She dares to press, her hand squeezing his knee. “I won’t be mad, okay? Just tell me please, I need to know what I’m dealing with here.”

His eyes open again. “I didn’t take anything else Gwen. You gotta believe me. I thought I could do it, I can drink sometimes, I’ve done it before— “

“You know you can’t get drunk like this.” She interrupts, eyes burning.

“I know.” He relents, subdued. “I didn’t mean to get like this, I swear, I was going to do this right.” His body scrunches over again, arms over his knees.

She’s never seen him lose it like this and her maternal instincts kick in, pulling him to lay on her lap, his head on her thigh. She continues to rub circles in his hair, shushing his worst cries under her breath.

When he calms down some, she takes the opportunity to reach for a washing cloth inside one of the vanity drawers and reaches her hand up to get it wet under the tap above the sink. She gently touches his face with it, washing his mouth and jaw, her thumb rubbing slow circles beneath his eyes, causing them to fall shut again.

“I’m sorry about your door.” He croaks through his tears.

She can’t help but cry then too, continuing to wash his face and touch him gently with the clot. “We can fix a stupid door, it’s not important.”

“I was just so mad.” He whispers. 

Gwen nods softly, surprising herself when she places a soft kiss on his forehead.

“We can’t change what happened.” She says, tears sliding down her cheeks. “We’ll figure this out.”

“What about my other shows?” He whispers, though she’s not sure he’s really asking her or thinking out loud at this point. “Fuck, I messed up so bad.”

She stays quiet, knowing that everything she has to say right now won’t be beneficial to the situation. She doesn’t’ know how she can possibly support him going back on a stage again, but she also knows he can’t just drop out. That’s not how the showbiz works. They’ll have to figure something out, but tonight she’s sure she can’t do that.

“I’m gonna get you cleaned up and in bed.” She whispers, breath hitching when his face buries itself into her stomach, obviously needing to feel close to her, oblivious to the fact he’s seeking comfort from not one, but _two_.

“Please stay with me tonight, Gwen.”

She swallows loudly, tilting her head up to the ceiling.

Her hand blindly cups his cheek.

“I’m right here.”

* * *

She doesn’t want to leave this bed with Blake clinging to her like he is. His arm is wrapped around her torso, his head against her chest, his body involuntarily snuggling closer against her whenever she moves a little, as if he’s scared she’s gonna leave, even deep down in his subconscious.

She’s sure the pressing fear of resembling her brother too much and posing a realistic threat to becoming a trigger, does not go unnoticed by him.

It’s scary to see that side of him come out, the one where he’s that angry, that out of control. She’s used to the version of Blake that has gotten himself together, the one that helps her through her messes and makes her understand her brother’s process better. She sometimes forgets Blake is still going through his own— though further along than Todd, he’s not cured. They never will be. They can only learn to live with the demons that are taking claim of their beings. They can only learn to fight their urges and be successful. 

Tonight, Blake didn’t want to fight as hard as he usually does. 

She knows things could’ve been even worse. He could’ve relapsed completely, and instead of getting drunk he could’ve gotten high. 

She also knows that getting drunk creates open opportunity for that to happen next and she’s terrified to think what might happen if he does this again. The Blake she knows was doing so well, he could drink in moderation and never take it too far. He wouldn’t get this far gone because he knew he’d become hard to trust. 

Tonight, he couldn’t trust himself. 

Her mind is spinning, her heart aching. This is not how today was supposed to go. She inhales softly, grimacing when she gently grabs Blake’s arm and lowers it to the matrass, away from her tension-filled body. 

He makes a soft groaning noise but doesn’t wake up, instead he buries his face deeper into the side of his pillow.

She fights the urge to run a hand through his hair, the need to comfort him huge.

She doesn’t want to risk waking him up though and quietly makes her way out of bed, tip-toeing out of the bedroom altogether. 

Her hands snatch the robe from the large lounger and wraps it around her body snugly. The cold hits her immediately as she’s no longer wrapped up by Blake and the warmth of her covers. 

When she’s downstairs and far enough away from the bedroom, she unlocks her phone and searches for the one person she can talk to.

The line takes about three dials before she’s picking up. 

“Gwen, everything okay? It’s super late.”

Her sister in law sounds rightfully worried, her low and groggy voice indicating she called her awake. Guilt immediately finds its way into her chest as she forces out her words.

“Jen, I’m sorry. I didn’t know who else to call.”

Something in her voice must’ve given her desperation away as the tone in which Jen talks to her changes right away.

“What’s going on, sissy?”

Gwen sighs shakily, running her free hand through her hair.

“Blake came home drunk tonight.” She whispers, the words still punching her in the gut as she speaks them out loud.

Jen’s soft gasp makes Gwen close her eyes, the sound too painful.

“Oh Gwennie, I’m so sorry. Do you need me to come over there?”

Gwen shakes her head. “No that's okay, he’s asleep now. I just...I don’t know what to do.”

“If he’s asleep, just let him sleep. There’s no talking to them when they’re like this anyway.”

Gwen presses her eyes closed even tighter, feeling tears well up behind her lids.

“That’s just it, Jen. I really _need_ to talk to him, but now I feel like I can’t. Like I shouldn’t.”

“Did he...." Jen struggles with the question, and Gwen doesn't know if it's because she wants to spare Gwen the trauma of having to admit to something like that, or if it's because she can't get past her own. "You know?”

Gwen's less subtle, every ounce of fight in her being being ripped away by the heartache that spreads through her like a disease.

“He didn’t get high if that’s what you’re asking.”

Jen hums. “Okay that’s good, that’s a relief. This could be just a one-time thing, Gwen. He had a moment of poor judgement. Blake is strong, he can come back from this. I know it.”

“Only it doesn’t feel like a one-time occurrence. He’s been staying out late ever since rehearsals started and he’s been acting different for _weeks_.”

“So he’s nervous to be back on a stage. That doesn’t sound so crazy after what he’s been through.”

“Maybe he was right; maybe he’s not ready to go back yet. But _I’m_ the one who pushed him to go for it, to stop running from what used to bring him joy. I can’t be the one to start doubting him now.”

Jen sighs softly. “You encouraged him to go back to music because you love him and that’s what we do for someone when we realize they’re missing something. That’s nothing to feel guilty about.”

“I _pushed_ him.”

“Encouraged.” Jen corrects. “You encouraged him to do shows, you didn’t encourage him to get drunk. That was _his_ decision. _His_ mistake.”

A tear glides down her cheek, her breath hitching.

“I can’t do this now.” She cries softly, her hand sliding slowly from its place on the couch cushion to her leg, moving up until its resting across her belly.

“Yes you can. This is hard but you will get through this, just like he will.”

“Jen, I— “Her voice breaks, the admission letting itself be waited on.

When she tries to speak the words again, she starts sobbing uncontrollably. She cries as if the sheer force of her heartbreak could somehow make the circumstances different. As if they could change the outcome of tonight. 

Had Blake not been dead to the world right now, there would've been no way he could sleep through this. The thought only makes her suffer more.

“Gwen you’re worrying me, what’s happening?” Her sister in law sounds pained at hearing her sobs. “Are you sure you don’t need me to come over?”

Life isn’t fair, she’s never been a stranger to this philosophy, but this time feels particularly cruel. She knows every song has its silence, every dance has its pause, every day has its darkness, but she never thought that one of her biggest dreams had a _condition_. She never thought Blake would be the one to bring such darkness upon a moment that should be so divine.

“I’m pregnant, Jen.”

There’s a loud silence that fills the line, Gwen’s heart hammering at finally speaking the words out loud tonight — even if it’s not to the person she _meant_ to speak them to first.

“I found out today.” She whispers, her hand tightening across her abdomen. “I did the test earlier this evening while at the studio.”

“Oh my gosh Gwen....congratulations.” Jen’s voice goes from excited to heartbroken, the realization hitting them both hard. “You were gonna tell him today, weren’t you?”

Gwen’s sob gets stuck in the back of her throat, making words more difficult to speak.

“I tried calling him all night because I wanted to know when he’d be home, but he never picked up.” She replies shakily. “I was _so_ worried, Jen. I can’t do that now, I can’t get that spooked, that stressed...”

“ _I_ _know_.” Jen breathes. “Gwen, you need to tell him tomorrow. First thing.”

“I can’t. I can’t tell him now." She cries, her voice panicked. "He nearly relapsed because he could barley handle the pressure of going back out there. What do you think the pressure of becoming a _father_ is going to do to him?”

“He needs to know.”

Gwen cries softly into her hand, hearing Jen’s soft soothing noises in her ear.

“I see the way that man looks at you, Gwen.” Her sister in law states softly. “He loves you and would do anything for you. You know he’s going to want to be there every step of the way, he’s gonna want to act right for you _and_ that baby.”

“I know that’s what he wants.” Gwen whispers. “But what if he just _can’t_?”

“You need to at least give him a chance.”

“I did, _multiple_ and look what he did.” She snaps angrily, eyes going wide at her own outburst.

“You have every right to be upset. You know I would be. But you’re growing life inside you, _his_ baby.... don’t you think that’s enough reason to give him one more chance?”

Gwen sinks against the couch cushion, her lip trembling.

“I’m terrified.”

“If you want, I can come over tomorrow. We can tell him together.”

Gwen closes her eyes again.

“Thank you, Jennie. But I think this is something I gotta do alone.”

“Okay. Promise me you won’t keep this from him Gwen. Promise me you won’t try to do this all by yourself.”

As much as she wants to promise all that, there’s a pressing fear in the back of her mind that doesn’t allow her to. 

“I love you Jennie.”

“I love you too, Gwen. I’ll call you again tomorrow, alright?”

Gwen hums affirmatively, letting out another sob once the line disconnects. Her hands intertwine against her stomach, trying to focus on the one life she still _can_ protect. 


	18. The River Runs Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because you all asked and I just can’t resist you — here’s another update in less than 24 hours :-)

The shower has been running for at least twenty minutes when she finally goes to check.

Blake had still been sleeping when she got up for breakfast. She doesn't know if it's the knowledge she's growing life inside her now, or if she's just coping with all the stress, but her body was craving food from the moment she opened her eyes this morning. She opted not to wake Blake, as he looked so peaceful in slumber, not yet aware of the pressing issues when he awakes.

She figured he would join her when she heard footsteps on the second floor, but instead he went to shower. He probably needs to clean himself of the guilt and bad mistakes from the night before and she can't fault him for that. Blake is not the type to be in the shower for longer than ten minutes though and her gut feeling tells her to check up on him when he’s in there twice as long.

She knocks on the door once, not wanting to spook him.

"Blake, can I come in?"

The sound of water hitting the tiles is the only response she gets, and she sighs breathily.

"I'm coming in." She announces before pushing the bathroom door open.

Where she expects to find him standing, she realizes he's sitting with his back against the glass shower door, the droplets of water falling around him poetically. There's nothing beautiful about the broken way he faces the bathroom tiles though, his hands shaking at his sides, his shirt still clinging to his chest.

Gwen is quick to move forward, her hand turning off the spray of water before she's crouching down onto her knees next to him. The water penetrates her clothes in record time, but she's not focused on anything else but Blake's empty expression.

"Baby, come on. Let's get you dried up."

Her voice is soft, as if she's afraid to say the wrong thing and she realizes she _is_.

Being around Blake when he's like this _destabilizes_ her. She realizes just how much of a safe haven her is to her; he wrapped a protective layer around her heart, making her feel like she had a safe place to land, her fears softened by his strong hold on her. 

She's thrown off her axis now that hold is gone, the protective layer she let herself get accustomed to now shaky and unclear. The trauma and anxiety that floods her being at, once again, not being able to help the men in her life overcome their troubles, shakes her to the core.

"Blake, tell me what you need?" She asks softly, voice close to breaking as he doesn't make a move to get up.

She waits a few beats, the room completely quiet, her pants soaked from the water she's crouching down in.

When she realizes she's not getting an answer out of him, she skims her fingers along his hips to lift the hem of his dripping shirt up and over his head. If he's not going to get out of the shower, she'll at least help him take a proper one.

She starts to raise the material up and he obliges, moving his hands up and allowing her to tug the drenched shirt off him. She gets it free and clear and then tosses it out onto the floor mat.

"I know you don't want to talk, and that's okay, but you need to get up." She says, using a voice that's just a bit stricter than what he's used to from her.

His eyes finally look up at her, the sadness portrayed there taking her breath away entirely.

He uses what looks like the last of his strength as he pushes himself up on his feet, his hands holding onto each side of the shower wall. She turns away from him then, this time turning on both the hot and cold spray, testing the temperature with her hand before she allows Blake to get underneath it. The warm water pours through her already soaked pants, now drenching her tank as well.

"Just breathe." She reminds him gently as his breathing sounds labored and quick to her ears.

He obeys again, letting out a long exhale.

She smiles softly. "You're okay now, Blake."

He closes his eyes and she wonders if that was the wrong thing to say. He's obviously _far_ from okay, but he is safe here with her. She won't let him fall, she won't even let him go.

"I should cancel the remaining shows." He murmurs gravelly, his voice sounding rough and rugged.

Her own breathing hitches at a combination of factors as she carefully allows her hand to rest on his bare chest.

"We don't have to talk about that now."

"I'll clear out some of my stuff I have over here." He continues, his eyes determined to avoid her gaze, though he does let her touch him.

"What?"

"You don't have to stay while I do it. I don't have much here, I can clear it out and you won't have to see me again."

Her heart aches, the ceiling suddenly feeling like it's coming down on her.

"What are you talking about?" She whispers, loud enough for it to be heard over the downpour of water.

"I shouldn't be here; I'll make everything worse."

She shakes her head. "You don't have to leave. Just...let's get you out of the shower and we can talk downstairs. You should probably eat something, I can make you some French Toast."

"There's no need..."

"I _want_ to." She cuts him off. "Just let me take care of you for a bit, there's no shame in—"

"God damnit Gwen, I don't want you to. Don't you _get_ it?" He snaps, stepping forward so suddenly it causes her to back up, trapped between his body and the glass door. "I don't want you taking care of me, I don't want fucking _French toast_. Just let me go, alright? It's what you should've done all along."

She stares up at him wide-eyed, her heart hammering.

"You don't mean that." She whispers.

She can see the tension accumulate in his jaw, the vein in his neck prominent.

"There was a woman at the show last night." He states pointedly, voice nearly taunting and she feels her stomach turn at the sound of it. "We talked, we _drank_ , we had fun Gwen.” He looks her in the eye directly, not giving her the dignity of taking her defeat in private. “I was hanging with her as I saw your name pop up on my screen all night and I declined your call _each_ and _every_ time."

Her heart breaks for reasons he's not even aware of yet, the image of her waiting up to tell him the good news being replaced by the image of him not caring, of him talking to someone else, has her heart shattering in a million pieces, each piece cutting her from the inside out.

"Stop." She whispers again.

"Nothing happened between us." He continues, shrugging as if it's nothing. "But I probably thought about it."

It dawns on her that for the first time, standing this close to Blake in private makes her feel something other than safe. For the first time, she wishes there was _more_ space between them, she wishes for _less_ of him.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I spent the night drinking and talking to another woman and then I came here to cry to you, to keep you up with my tossing and turning. That's the kind of man I am, Gwen." He chuckles, the sound full of sarcasm and self-loathing. "That's not the type of man you offer breakfast to. It's the kind of man you run from."

Her throat tightens, emotion threatening to overtake her but she won't give him the satisfaction. Not when he's like this.

"You're being a coward."

"So then let me go."

Her breath stutters out in one long and tired exhale.

"You act like I'm forcing you to stay."

"You are." He yells suddenly, making her flinch. "It's suffocating, _you're_ suffocating."

Her lips part, but no words come out. It's simply the release of a shaky breath that leaves her mouth.

The image of pain must be so prominent on her face, it even pulls at Blake's heart-strings, because the moment the words leave his mouth, his eyes cast down and a sigh escapes his lips.

"Gwen. I'm sorry, I—"

"Don't." She exhales, holding her hand up to stop him from talking. He sighs again, reaching out to touch her. "Don't you _dare_ touch me."

She acts fast, pushing past him and stepping out of the confined space, a chill working its way through her body instantly. She hears the shower head turn off, but she doesn't pay it any mind. She takes off her socks and pants, wringing them out above the sink. By the time Blake's stepping out to join her, she's making her way into the bedroom, putting on dry clothes before heading downstairs.

_It's suffocating, you're suffocating._

The words keep looping themselves in her brain, her stomach dropping each time.

She brings a hand up to her stomach, the company she knows she's harboring there making her feel just a little less lonely. She closes her eyes, her free hand grabbing the edge of the counter until her knuckles turn white.

This is a moment she's always been looking forward to. Some would say she was put on this Earth to become a mom. There's a responsibility she knows she will never take for granted, but the heartbreaking realization washes over her greatly, damn near drowning her.

Blake might not be in a place to carry such responsibility now.

He had told her she was suffocating, and whether he meant it or not, that man in the shower is _not_ one who's ready to become a father. Tears spring to her eyes, the insanity of the situation only just now hitting her truly.

"Gwen."

She jumps at the sound of his voice, her eyes opening quickly. She turns her back to him, facing the sink while she hears his footsteps come up behind her.

"I shouldn't have...." He cuts himself off, watching as she reaches up for the higher cabinet, slamming the plate down onto the granite surface with a little too much force. She ignores his struggle for words as she makes herself a sandwich, cussing when she drops her knife in the sink. "Gwen, I'm sorry. What I said in there...I shouldn't have."

She realizes the nauseating mood swings are a thing with him whenever he's coming down from something; whether that's from drugs or alcohol.

"No, you shouldn't have."

"Look, I'm still gonna leave so you don't have to worry about that." He says and she hates how he makes it sound like it's something she wants. "But I know that I hurt you and you didn't deserve that."

She turns around so fast, she dizzies herself.

"Of course you're gonna leave." She hisses at him. "You tell me to trust you, you _make_ me trust you, just to do what I knew you would! I believed in you, I believed in us. I fucking still do, but it's _you_ who wants to leave. I'm not making you do anything, but I can't.... I have other things on my mind too, I can't worry about you all the goddamn time."

"Which is why I'm leaving." He exclaims desperately. "I'm not myself right now, Gwen. I know that. I'm gonna keep worrying you if I stay, I'll keep fucking up until one day you'll resent the day you met me. I don't want that to happen."

"Then make sure it doesn’t."

"I can't."

She shakes her head, biting her lip. "That girl you talked about...she didn't suffocate you?"

"Gwen."

She turns around again, unable to face him anymore.

"No, I'm just asking because you seemed _so_ excited to tell me about her before.” She scoffs. “Please don't get shy now."

"Gwen, my mind is going a thousand miles per minute and I was trying to make you see that I'm not worth it." He sighs when she doesn't turn around to face him once more. "I didn't mean to hurt you and I definitely don't want to make you feel like I want anyone else. I don't."

"You just don't want me either."

_You don't want us._

"I can't stay here and watch you regret me."

"Then go.” She cries, voice breaking. “But I won't watch you leave."

She flinches when she feels both his hands grab onto her shoulders, gently trying to turn her around. She obeys him as her body's will to fight is seriously low, but she keeps her eyes closed. When his lips softly touch her forehead, she starts pushing him away.

"Why would you do this?" She whispers, a tear falling from her eye. "Why are you making this harder? If you want to leave, then please go. Don't kiss me, don't touch me, don't make me _watch_ you. Stop being cruel."

He shakes his head, eyes watery. "I'm not trying to be."

Her heart breaks when she realizes she doesn't know if she believes him anymore.

"But you are." She cries, the dam officially breaking. "You're the one who messed up so why am I the one pleading with you to stay?" She gasps out a few broken breaths, wiping at the moisture underneath her eyes. "This shouldn't be happening. You shouldn't be leaving us, you shouldn't be walking away."

His expression suddenly changes, as if she just slapped him across the face, his eyes darkening so much it sends a chill up her spine.

"Us?" He asks softly, his voice straining. "You said leaving _us_."

Her throat constricts painfully, her heart slamming against her chest.

A few weeks ago, she would've been ecstatic about having a child with Blake, and she's sad to say a large part of her still is. But she never imagined he'd ever be looking at her the way he is now. She never imagined being the one to give him that final push into his demise. He couldn't handle the pressure of being back on a stage, and she doesn't even want to imagine what he'll do under the pressure of knowing what he's about to become.

She hears Jen's words ringing through her head, but she has to choose between relieving her own burden and possibly breaking the last bit of sanity Blake has left.

She couldn't save her brother all those times before and she knows she can't save Blake either, but she thinks she might be able to buy him some time. 

And so she lies.

"I just meant me and my family, we _all_ love you Blake. We all care about you and you're just about to walk away."

Pain washes over his face, but not before a little hint of relief.

The sight guts her completely.

She’s watched a lot of tragedies occur in her life-time, a lot of pain being dealt out to people, but she’s never quite felt a pain unlike this one. The relief from the man she loves when she assures him she’s not pregnant.

He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, obviously torn between walking out and reaching out for her one last time. She thinks the look in her eyes must portray one of serious warning, because he doesn’t dare to take a step closer.

“I’m so sorry Gwen.”

She bites her lip, swallowing down the lump in her throat.

“Me too.”

“I can— “

“Just go.” She surprises herself when the words slip out, her whole body burning from anger and disappointment. “I don’t want you here right now.”

She won’t tell him to go forever, even if that’s what he’s planning to do. She can’t get herself to agree to something that feels so wrong, not even in the midst of her anger. Blake had taught her what it was like to care for someone without borders, and not even the demons of addiction would be able to keep her away.

He doesn’t try to touch her again as he walks away from her, but his gaze does stray over to her for a few more times before he’s walking out of her house.

He didn’t actually pack anything, which means he will have to come back.

The thought has her grunting in frustration, her hand blindly grabbing the plate from the kitchen counter and throwing it as far as she can throw it. The glass material shatters against the wall, the sound of it falling to the ground drowning out her agonizing yell right before _she_ does.


	19. I Thought It'd Be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lea — I might’ve lied to you. You’re making one last appearance 😬

His mind is drifting in and out like the tide, vision wavering with each pouring of whiskey. His thoughts are like sand on the shore, waiting to be swept away by the inevitable wave. Right there, lying in the cold wet sand is Gwen. Each and every time. 

He drinks to sweep her away too, until the wave takes her with it as well, carrying her far out into the sea, away from his subconscious.

He lays his body against the worn-out leather sofa, the rowdy crowd inside the venue not even realizing he exists. Smoke billows and eddies around him and through the dark room echoes what sounds like music playing. His throat feels dryer than the baked summer earth outside. After the heat of the day in which he had to perform, it was little to no wonder he needed a drink after all was said and done. The evening slipped away from him fast and the night showed its ugly head way too soon; colouring all his decisions a shade of grey he knows all too well. He knows he’s forbidden to get drunk, but his hand clasped around the first bottle of beer before a second thought could caution him. The drink was as warm as the overheated room, but he forced it back in a matter of minutes, hating the taste but loving the feel of the liquid gliding down his throat in all its familiarity.

He’s been good for over a year, never again touching a drug, only indulging in alcohol in moderation. He never wavered after the accident that left him nearly killing his mother, and he never wanted to either. He still doesn’t think he could face his mom again after his most recent behaviours.

Not only did he disappoint her by getting drunk and _loving_ it, he also hurt Gwen. A woman his mother is incredibly fond of. But he has been good for a while and that should count for something. That should earn him at least the right to have a drink tonight. That should make him disregard some of the worst guilt that festers in his heart. Because he’s _been_ good.

He wasn’t good when he promised his ex-wife to get sober and drove himself to the nearest bar instead. He wasn’t good when he punched his brother in law in the face after trying to get him to stop smoking pot on his mother’s patio. He wasn’t good when he made over a quarter of a million dollars for simply one performance and used every single penny of it to snort it up his nose. He wasn’t good when he stood in front of Gwen two weeks ago and bragged about his flirtatious evening with another woman.

But he has been good. And for the love of God, let it be enough to get him into heaven somehow, because he might not survive this time.

He pours himself another glass and looks around the vacated room that holds only a percentage of the people that it did when he first got off stage. Most of his band has gone home and he realizes that none of them necessarily have his best interest at heart, since no one even bothered to ask and drive him home. He’s been an addict long enough to understand that the only person who can carry the responsibility of staying sober is himself; no therapist, no sponsor, no girlfriend, no wife, no band mates. Just him. Which makes the road to recovery quite possibly the loneliest one. It’s a road so lonely he prefers not to walk it anymore, not because he necessarily even craves the high of a drug, but simply because he craves the silencing of his loneliness.

If Gwen could see him now, laid back against the couch, eyes red and puffy from the intoxication, she would see what he was trying to convey two weeks ago at her house. She would see he’s not worth the struggle, not worth the sacrifice.

He tried to convince them _both_ that he could be what she needed, what she deserved, but he will always be the one thing she can’t stomach.

An addict.

“Don’t you have someone to go home to?” A sultry voice asks, coming from his left.

His drunkenness causes his reaction to be delayed, his head turning to the voice so slowly it borders on comical. He stares right into the intense green eyes of Denise, this festival’s stage manager and event producer. He doesn’t know why he always ends up here somehow, but he doesn’t try to fight it, not even a little bit. He’s too tired.

“I don’t.” He slurs just a bit, but to someone who doesn’t quite know him, it could be passed off as a low drawl. “I wouldn’t be here if I did.”

“Care to pour me one?” She asks, biting her lip and holding her glass out to him suggestively.

He pours her a glass of whiskey without question, because it’s the simplelest thing in the world. Everything else feels terrifyingly complicated except for this. He can pour this woman a drink and entertain her a bit with his presence because she has no further expectations of him. He can’t disappoint someone he doesn’t much care for. So he pours.

“That’s a large glass.” She observes.

“I don’t half ass things.”

Denise hums. “I can tell. Makes me wonder; you don’t leave anything to be desired up on stage, you give it all and then some. Are you the same _off_ stage?”

Blake chuckles, pressing his lips against the rim of his glass.

“I don’t think you’d be sitting here if I wasn’t.”

He catches her tiny smile from the corner of his eyes and though it feels wrong, he can’t tear his eyes away from it. Not because he loves that he made her smile, but because he doesn’t care if he turns out to be the reason for that smile to disappear later.

“I was wrong about one thing though…” She says, turning her body so she can face him completely on the couch, her drink balancing on her thigh. “You don’t seem nearly as put together now as you do up on that stage. Maybe you _can_ hide some things.”

Blake lets the whiskey burn its way down his throat as he swallows, his eyes honing on the woman who intruded on his pity party. A woman who’s so different from Gwen in every way—from the way she carries herself to the way she talks, and Blake has never felt such disinterest for anyone in his life.

He respires deeply, his shoulders relaxing.

“You don’t even know the half of it.”

* * *

“We should call him.”

Jen shoots him such a strict look, it nearly makes her chuckle, but she can’t get herself to feel joy long enough to do it. Instead, she forces her eyes shut and snuggles up underneath the blanket some more.

“We’ll be doing no such thing.” She scolds her husband, and Gwen can feel her sister-in-law staring at her. “She’s going to stay here for a few days and we’re going to make this as easy as we can for her. Just us.”

Todd sighs. “She hasn’t seen him in days….”

“Your point being?”

“Look, if I thought for a second that this is what she wanted, it would be a different story.” He exclaims softly, voice near a whisper. “But she cries herself to sleep every night and can’t even get off our freakin’ couch long enough to get herself something to drink. Should I remind you of how we found her this afternoon?”

“Okay, so she’s going through a rough time.” Jen concedes. “Let’s be here for her in the same way she’s been there for us so many times.”

“That’s what I’m saying— “

“ _Guys_.” Gwen murmurs through gritted teeth. “You do know you’re only a few feet away from me, gossiping your silly little hearts out, right?”

She hears Jen sigh as she approaches, a soft hand running through her hair in the next second.

“You’re awake.”

Gwen opens her eyes, staring up at the worrisome features of her sister-in-law. Todd joins soon enough, patting the little bit of space on the couch, indicating for her to scoot over a bit.

“Hey sis.”

Gwen bites her lip, not used to being the one taken care of in this way and not sure if she likes it.

“I don’t want you guys to worry about me like this.” She whispers, her voice sounding rough and tired. “I’m fine, honestly.”

“Of course you are.” Jen responds sarcastically, her fingers still toying with Gwen’s hair. “Sweetheart, please don’t get offended when I say this, but you’re a mess.”

“ _Jen_.”

“And that’s okay.” She continues, smiling down at her sadly. “You don’t have to pretend like you’re okay, Gwen. Not with us. You know that.”

“I need to….” Gwen swallows her words, feeling emotion rise in her throat. “I _need_ to be okay.”

“And you will be.” Todd answers, reaching for the half-full water glass on the coffee table. “You should drink something.”

She takes the glass from him, struggling to lift herself up into a sitting position.

“I just can’t believe this is happening.” She whispers, eyes watering. “Everything was so good with us, we were so happy…”

Jen sighs, motioning for Todd to get up from his place next to Gwen and he just chuckles softly while obeying. Jen quickly takes his place, her hand covering Gwen’s.

“This will not be how it ends.”

Gwen scoffs. “I think it already did.”

Jen’s ready to challenge her when a soft voice sounds from the bottom of the stairs.

“Mommy, is Gwen crying again?”

Gwen’s heart aches painfully at her niece’s words, the guilt immediately taking over. She ducks her head down, smoothing her finger underneath her eyes to make sure no moisture is actually pouring out of them. She’s gotten to the point where she actively has to check.

“Stella sweetheart, you should be sleeping.” Jen says softly, watching as Todd ruffles the younger girl’s hair.

“Do you need me to tuck you in again?” He asks.

Stella shakes her head and makes her way over to the couch, sitting next to her mother before wrapping her arms around Gwen and ending up in her lap.

“Please don’t be sad, Gwennie.”

Gwen feels her throat constrict. “I’m okay, sweet girl.”

“Is it because of Blake?” Stella asks softly. “Is he okay?”

It dawns on her how much Stella has had to worry about her father already, the similarities not lost on the young girl and she feels a wave of anger flood her being. Blake was supposed to be different, he was supposed to show them _both_ that sometimes these stories _do_ have happy endings.

“I’m sure he’s okay.” Gwen lies, closing her eyes when Stella lays her head on her chest, snuggling up to her.

“You miss him.” The younger girl states, not needing to ask.

Gwen nods. “Yeah.”

“Mommy always tells me when we get to experience something great and it ends, we need to be grateful for the moments we had. Not be sad about the ones we won’t have again.”

The words hit a chord deep inside, her chest aching. She doesn’t think she can ever get over the way he’d hold her or the way he’d snuggle up behind her until she was able to fall asleep. She doesn’t think she could ever love someone in the way she loves Blake. If all she has are these memories to hold her over, she thinks she might become the most selfish person in the world, cause it will never be enough for her.

It’s not enough for the life she’s growing inside her, the one who deserves more than anything to know the Blake she’s had the privilege of knowing.

Gwen bites back a sob and she’s grateful when Jen intervenes.

“That’s right, baby. Now let’s give auntie Gwen some space okay. I think _someone_ needs to go back to bed…”

“Mom.”

Jen chuckles, lifting the young girl from Gwen’s lap and pushing her daughter to grab Todd’s hand. She kisses the top of her head before her husband takes her back upstairs.

“Gwen will be here in the morning too.” She hears Todd say.

“Sleep tight, baby.” Gwen looks back to see both Todd and her niece at the top of the stairs, blowing her a kiss.

Gwen keeps her gaze on the stairs until her phone buzzes in her pocket, a strange sensation creeping up her chest at who it might be.

She’s sure Jen can feel the disappointment crash off her as she realizes it’s her assistant instead.

“He’ll call.” Jen says softly.

Gwen winces as she clicks on the message her assistant just forwarded, the link directing her to an interview with Blake after his first festival show. Written and published by Lea Turnacky.

“What is it?” Jen asks worriedly as Gwen realizes she never answered her.

“An interview.” Gwen whispers. “From _that_ night.”

Jen forces her arm down enough so they can both read, and Gwen holds her breath as she lets her eyes dart over her phone screen.

_Only three songs in and Blake Shelton already has the whole crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. Whoever thinks his charm only translates on a stage though, is greatly mistaken. I meet the superstar after his show to talk about his performance, his life and past. Needless to say, he had me eating out of the palm of his hand after the first words he spoke..._

_“It seemed like you needed no time to adjust to being back on that stage. Is there some sort of muscle memory for performing too?” I ask, wholly prepared for him to shake his head yes. Again, Blake Shelton appears full of surprises._

_“God no.” He chuckles instead. “I guess I can strum away a bit, muscle memory? Maybe. Being back on that stage…it was a true adjustment. Especially considering the year I’ve had. I kind of figured I could go without this part, you know?”_

_“You still think that?”_

_“It’s a complicated thing for me, this music thing. I don’t think I could ever go without music, but I know I never have to. I think I can go without performing if I really had to, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s what I want.”_

_“Any reason why now felt like the right time to do festival shows again?”_

_Where I expect the handsome country crooner to go into detail about his relationship with fellow musician Gwen Stefani, he keeps it rather vague._

_“Being in a relationship again after swearing that off too as well, did make me realize that somethings you just can’t avoid forever.” He replies. “Some things are too good to avoid.”_

_“When you say ‘too good to avoid’, are we talking about your relationship or performing?”_

_Blake chuckles again, and it’s that low and flirtatious sound that makes me fully understand why women just seem to lose their minds around the superstar._

_“Sometimes I feel like there’s no difference. Aren’t we in some capacity always performing? We show the best version of ourselves on a stage, the most talented, most put-together one. It’s not much different from what we do around the people we want to impress or keep close.”_

_I look at him sceptically, surely feeling like he’d be able to be himself around his romantic partner.  
_

_“Shouldn’t you be able to be yourself around the ones you love?”_

_He shows an offensively attractive smile before gently letting me know he won’t go into further detail about his relationship to Gwen Stefani. He does however offer to pour me another drink._

_Fifteen minutes into our interview, he gets a call he ends up declining. While most stars of his calibre would’ve probably told me to wait, the ever-charming country star does no such thing._

“ _Do you think there’s a possibility you’d ever release another album?” He looks at me with a pained look and I remind him it’s my job to ask these question, his fans would have my head if I didn’t._

_“There’s always a possibility.” He responds vaguely. “I think there’s a bigger chance of you releasing an album before that would ever happen though.”_

_“I can’t sing.” I laugh. “I doubt anyone would be waiting for that.”_

_“I don’t know if people are still waiting on mine either.” Blake responds humbly. “Singing can be taught. Just give me a call sometime.”_

_I don’t mind a little harmless flirting as we both chuck back another drink._

_“Promise?”_

_He doesn’t actually confirm, but the wink I receive is exactly the thing I talked about in the beginning. The undeniable charm of Blake Shelton made his show one of the most unforgettable ones of the entire festival._

_For everyone who doubted if his appeal would still be there after a year of absence, the answer is undoubtedly: YES._

Gwen stares at her phone, wincing when a tear falls onto the bright screen in front of her. Once again, she didn’t realize she was crying until she saw the physical proof it.

Jen’s arm around her is tight and stable, unlike everything else around her. Her world feels like it’s falling apart as everything suddenly clicks.

“He’d rather flirt with an interviewer than take a call from his pregnant girlfriend.” She whispers, voice breaking as Jen holds her against her.

“Sweetie…” She sighs, rubbing her arm. “If he had known he would’ve never— “

“He shouldn’t have to know I was pregnant for him to care.”

Jen nods. “You’re right. But this is not the usual Blake talking or acting. This is the _addict_ in him trying to ruin a good thing.”

“Do you think he meant it?” She asks softly, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Do you think he was just performing the whole time we were together? Feeling like he couldn’t show me the real version of him?”

“Of course not.” Jen replies immediately, tightening her hold on her as she’s sure her sister in law can feel Gwen’s heart crumbling into pieces. “Gwen, he’s just trying to make himself believe these things cause he knew it was gonna be too hard to do what he’s done otherwise.”

She hears Todd enter the living room again, looking at his wife and sister cuddled up on the couch.

“I want to go to bed.” She whispers, grimacing when she starts to pull out of Jen’s hold. “Sorry for breaking on you again.”

Jen looks at her softly. “You don’t ever have to apologize for that.”

“See you guys in the morning?” Gwen tries to sound somewhat cheerful about that, even when waking up in the morning feels more like a chore than something she looks forward to.

“See you in the morning sis.” Todd smiles, hugging her briefly.

Gwen walks up the stairs, her eyes still watery and a few silent sobs forcing its way passed her lips.

On the second floor, looking down on the main room, she can see her brother and Jen exchange a few worried looks at hearing her soft cries, but Gwen ignores it as she walks straight into the guest room.

She might not know what it feels like to be an addict, but she’s starting to learn a thing or two about forced withdrawals.


	20. Know You’re Enough To Use Me For Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a long and important chapter. I can’t thank you guys enough for the comments on these last few chapters. Thank you for being so invested. I just wanna continue to do you guys — and this story— justice.

He made it through. He finished the festival and made good on his promise to the industry. He’s finding out once more that his responsibilities to the lifestyle that got him here are wildly different from the ones to himself. He might have completed the festival, entertained the fans, but he’s also given up his relationship and sobriety in return.

To get mad at is pointless—he’s learned that too.

He hasn’t been home for more than a few minutes, but he can still hear the insistent ringing from the noise the crowd had made an hour before. The thrill of knowing he pleased those people and gave them what they were hoping for, fills him with such energy he can barely sit still.

A few years ago, that high was only reached through the form of drugs and not even the adrenaline from a show would be enough, and it hits him hard that some things _have_ changed, even when a lot has stayed the same.

His fear of disappointing had turned into a fear of performing.

It’s why every time he came close to a stage, the urge to either drink of get high would intensify too. It wasn’t music that ruined everything; it was his own heart. He didn’t have to stay away from music altogether to be happy, he just needs to figure out a way to disappoint people without disappointing himself.

The darkness outside provides the perfect scenery for his next thoughts, his fingertips digging into his leg. He destroyed more than he meant to the day he left Gwen’s house. He still hadn’t been able to pick up his stuff, and if he were completely honest, he doesn’t know if he ever will be.

Gwen had shown him a different way of being, one that was in many ways, _more_ like him. It was simple in the way she just felt right and it was beautiful in the way he didn’t have to hide.

But with all that came expectations, silent ones, but loud enough to render him speechless on his worst days. Because no matter how hard he tried, he knew there was always _that_ image in her mind. The one of him being like her brother. The one of him causing destruction and pain to the people closest to him.

As much as he tried, there never would’ve been a way to erase that picture from her brain. Even when she looked at him like he hung the moon, there was that underlying knowledge he could tear it right down too.

When he was younger, it was his father who taught him nothing could disappoint a person more than the version they create of you in their heads. In many ways, he disregarded that notion until his first relationship faltered. He realized then, that his father had been right. His break up wasn’t caused by what he did or didn’t do, it was caused because of what he hadn’t _been_. When his first record deal fell through, it felt like much of the same notion could be applied. They had caught glimpses of him here and there, conducted images of him in their brain and assumed that’s who he was. But he never had been.

With booze and drugs, he came just a little bit closer to not caring about what he wasn’t and all the things he’d never become. His demons would get silenced and the world would feel lighter. He wouldn’t have to deal with any disappointments and could be whichever form of himself he wanted to be.

But the version he wants to be the most, is the sober one. The one who could love Gwen the way she deserves to and the one who deserves to be loved by her.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts when a sharp pain works its way through his hand. He looks down to find himself tightly squeezing the empty whiskey glass that laid in front of him on the kitchen table, now slightly chipped as a large piece of glass is digging into the skin of his palm.

He flinches before gently pulling it lose, using his mouth to stop the bleeding while walking to the kitchen. He throws the damaged glass in the trash, holding his hand underneath the stream of water above the sink.

It’s so familiar now to just grab a glass when he’s home, he even mimicked the motion without ever pouring himself one. Just holding the glass could give him some form of comfort as he wasn’t allowing himself to completely go off the deep end and get high.

The thought makes him feel so useless, a loud sob escapes his mouth. He tries to subdue the ones that follow, but with no such luck. By the fourth one, his body is heaving and his legs can no longer hold him up. He slides down onto the ground, back pressed against the kitchen island.

He hates no longer going straight for the coffee machine when he wakes up, knowing Gwen will reward him with that soft smile of hers, whenever he offers her the first cup of the day. He hates that he completed five whole shows and she had been to not a single one. He hates that instead of going home to her, he went home alone, to a place that never much felt like home until Gwen started staying in it.

He cries until he doesn’t think he’s got any more tears to produce, his eyes red and heavy by the time he’s done. He doesn’t know what time it is and he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t try to get himself upstairs, he doesn’t try anything, he just _sits_.

He sits and hopes that Gwen will somehow get the message that he’s sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt her in the way he knows he did. He hopes she knows she will never hate him as much as he hates himself. She couldn’t possibly be more disappointed in him, than he is in himself.

He closes his eyes once more, feeling the familiar urge to go out and get a fix. Only not of a substance this time, but a person.

No, he’s not gonna get his stuff from her place, not ever. She can throw it out or keep it, he doesn’t care what she does with it. But he knows that if he shows up there again, he’ll try whatever it takes to not have to leave—and that’s just something he can’t do to her.

* * *

Her heart nearly plummeted at the announcement of him.

It was his final show and though she had been advised against it, she couldn’t _not_ show up for it.

She was standing in the nosebleeds, but the big screens had made him look so close to her. Her eyes welled up immediately at hearing his voice addressing the crowd, the charming and gentle tones filling the whole venue, feeding into everyone’s excitement.

She remembered the particular voice he would always reserve for her. The soft one that made her feel so safe, so loved. The one that made her believe in an ending so much different from the one she’s living now.

She realized as he was performing, that the man up on that stage is no longer one she knows, though in a way, she’s never been closer to him than in these last few weeks. Her hand slid over her stomach again, a soft smile creeping up her face as she hoped the little one could hear its father’s voice, even from so far away.

When he played his final song, she couldn’t help but starting to cry.

She didn’t know how hard it would be to hear his voice again, to see him in person, yet feel so far removed from him. She wanted to run up there, hug him, have his soothing voice promise he’s not going anywhere ever again. Instead, she listened to the fans going crazy over him and she wondered if this is what it felt like to be truly invisible.

Coming here, she didn’t know if she was going to try and make contact with him or if she was just gonna watch from a distance and accept her loss. But it appeared impossible for her to stay away from him, her legs already carrying her to the back entrance of the backstage area. It’s wasn’t often that she used her celebrity status to get access to places, but she was grateful she had it to use this time.

Her heart hammered against her chest as she could hear Blake saying goodbye to the crowd, inevitably meeting her there soon.

She eyed the area, realizing there was booze splayed across the table, various people laughing and waiting for Blake’s grand entrance as she felt anger rise to the surface for each and every one of them.

She knows it’s wasn’t any of their responsibility to keep Blake on the straight and narrow, but she had hoped they would care a bit more anyway. Maybe if they had, he wouldn’t have come home that night and ruined what they had. Maybe if they had, she wouldn’t be carrying the child of someone who wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

And just like that, she realizes she can’t do it. She can’t face Blake again and watch the same rejection take over his features. She can’t beg for him once more and have her efforts be futile. With a sudden wave of nausea that overtook her, she hurried herself out of there as quick as she found her way in. She had leaned against the back of her car, feeling like she was about to throw up.

She hurried herself back into the safety of her car, leaning her head against the head-rest behind her.

If she hadn’t known any better, Blake had looked good up that stage. She could tell he belonged there, even if he didn’t think he did. She couldn’t believe someone could be so oblivious to their own talents, their own strength. She saw what she hoped she would, which was genuine joy. She just wished he could hold on to that feeling off stage as well. She wished he wouldn’t feel the need to ruin and destroy afterwards.

She had been home for less than five minutes when she crashed on Jen and Todd’s couch again.

It feels like the cruellest trick to be the one crying on their couch after all the times it had been the other way around. Her brother might be the one with the addiction, but she’s the one with the problem right now. Todd’s worried expression whenever he’s around her is enough to make her feel like the worst type of person.

Gwen’s silently relieved when she hears Todd exclaim to his wife that he’s going out to meet a friend. It means she won’t have to be subjected to his loving care tonight. She does however feel horrible for the panicked reaction from Jen, as it feels all too familiar.

It made her heart ache the way Todd didn’t try to fight her or got upset, the way he knew he’d lost the right to get offended whenever Jen panicked at him leaving the house at night. She usually would never be there for these moments, but now that she was, it broke her heart in a thousand different ways.

Instead of facing it, she closed her eyes, fighting the urge to reach out to _him_.

* * *

Blake rubs his hands together as he waits. 

The text had come out of the blue for sure, but he wasn’t in any way ready to shoot the offer down. Not even when it turned out to come with a condition.

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block out the sounds of happy people walking by. Indulging in mindless chatter that has him seething on the inside. They make existing look easy by how carefree they walk the streets at night, hanging on each other's arms, or just simply walking down the pavement with smiles on their faces.

He could tell they weren't tormented by any demons in the way he was. They don't have to worry about quite possibly not making it home after a show. They don't walk around with a weight tied to their ankles, making each step forward so much more of a hassle, it's tempting to just stop and stand still. They don't live with a ticking time bomb tied to their chest, the only key to defusing it hidden somewhere so deep inside, some might never find it.

The thought disgusts him, but it's true—he's jealous.

Jealous of strangers walking past, laughing on the sidewalk. Strangers who probably have never set foot in the building behind him.

"You came."

Blake opens his eyes at the familiar voice, the dread that's been accumulating in his chest lessening only slightly at the sight of the one person who might understand him.

"It's not every day you text me." Blake jokes, grimacing at the stoic expression on Todd's face.

"It's not every day you set out to destroy everything you build, either."

The words hurt, but he doesn't let it show. Instead, he swallows roughly and does what he does best; dish it out.

"Are you the poster boy for sobriety now?" He chuckles, leaning against the wall behind him, brow raised. "Your sister must be over the moon."

Todd doesn't miss a beat.

"My sister is so devastated she can't even get off the couch. If Jen and I don't pay attention, she'll lay there all day without eating or drinking anything." He scoffs, eyes ablaze. " _Yeah_ , she's over the moon, alright."

The words do what nothing else could so far, his eyes filling rapidly. His heart feels like it's going to explode from the way it's being squeezed inside his chest.

"I didn't mean to leave her like that." He whispers.

"You're not gonna leave her at all." Todd says simply, stepping closer, his hand reaching for his shoulder firmly. "You're gonna get your shit together and apologize. You're gonna do whatever it takes for her to forgive you."

"The nicest thing I can do for her is stay away."

He’s tense and afraid of what her brother might have to say to that, but the response surprises him.

"You don't even know how wrong you are." Todd states calmly.

"She'll get over me." He argues, feeling himself getting upset at the mere thought of it. He hoped it would be easier to do the right thing, but it seems like every other addiction in his life; the hardest fucking thing to let go.

He would fight for her if he thought it mattered, but the truth is he was living a lie long enough for her to believe in him. He didn't mean to lie to her, but in his quest for her heart, he thinks he might've fooled them both into believing he could be anything _but_ this.

He pined for her from the beginning.

The first night he ever spend with her was like a cataclysm inside his body, every part yearning to feel that familiar again. He knew he was going to try to make her his from the first time. He knew it was selfish, too. He would try like hell to be enough for her, but you don't kick an addiction by holding on to it. Setting her free was the right thing to do, if not, he would've dragged her along with him.

"Are you really that much of a coward?" Todd presses, hand retreating from his shoulder and his gaze a fiery attack on his soul.

"I'm _helping_ her!"

“You’re killing her.”

Blake looks at the people passing him on the sidewalk, oblivious to the atrocity of a man standing in their proximity.

“Why are you even here?” He asks instead. “Shouldn’t you be hating me or telling your sister to stay the hell away from me, that she dodged a bullet?”

Todd chuckles. “I thought about it.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You seem to forget you and I aren’t that much different.” He states softly, biting his lip. “I could tell her to give up on you, I could tell her that you’re not worth it, but that would be the most hypocritical thing I’ll ever do.”

“God will forgive you on that one.”

“Maybe.” Todd responds, looking up at the sky and then back to Blake. “But I wouldn’t forgive myself.”

“I never thought I’d have to give her up.” Blake murmurs, the agonizing feeling in his chest only intensifying.

“There’s no reason for you to.”

“There’s _all_ the reason for me too.” Blake retorts, frustrated. “I love her, but I will never be enough to deserve her. I thought I could fight that, but I can’t. I have been selfish with almost everything I love and I let it destroy me and others in the process. I might love her, but I love a lot of things in this world that I should never have again.”

“My sister is not a drug.”

“She is to me.”

Todd is looking at him with a stern expression and Blake realizes how similar he and Gwen are in that—they can both look at you with a look that makes you second-guess everything you’ve ever done.

“Allow me to say this as someone who knows what it feels like to get high.” Todd starts. “Gwen is not someone to escape in, she’s someone to _face_ yourself with. It’s why I would always subconsciously end up at her doorstep whenever I fucked up. I think deep down, I knew that if there was one person in this world who could help me find _me_ again, it would be her. She’s not something to take in moderation—she’s the one you let cover you up as you thank your lucky stars for her.”

“ _Todd_.” Blake croaks.

“She’s not just another addiction to you, man.” He continues. “She’s the light at the end of the tunnel, yet you’re too blind to see it.”

Blake shakes his head, tears pooling in his eyes.

Todd’s words have a way of cracking him open from the inside, making him realize that maybe he isn’t all cried out yet.

“What if you’re wrong?” He whispers.

"You're scared of disappointing her and so you bounce." He says, shaking his head. "...Unknowingly disappointing her more than you'll ever know."

The words provoke a physical reaction that nearly stuns him.

"What the hell does that mean?" Blake snaps.

Todd looks at him so conflicted, it only angers him more.

"It means that I need you to get in there with me and work out whatever this is."

Blake sighs, really not excited about it, but also knowing what he came out here to do in the first place. His eyes cast down, the chill from the night suddenly penetrating him as it hits him what he’s about to do.

“Are you ready?” Todd asks, patiently waiting for Blake to make a move.

Begrudgingly, he nods. “ _Fuck_.” Blake rubs an overwhelmed hand across his mouth.

“Do it for her.”

Blake swallows roughly, biting his lip. “ _Yeah_.”

He knows it’s a lie. You don’t do this for anyone else but yourself, but it helps to momentarily lessen the magnitude of guilt that keeps him rooted in place. 

Todd's hand on his arm, as brief as it is, makes him just a little less fearful of stepping into the familiar halls of _Narcotics Anonymous_ again.

* * *

Blake’s been robbed of breath more than once, he’s not even a stranger to begging God above if He could make this time the final one, but nothing compares to the shortage of breath he experiences when Todd pushes the door open to his front door, the sound of Gwen’s voice more cheerful than he remembers it in his nightmares. It fills him with a warmth that’s dangerous.

He doesn’t even care about Jen’s shocked expression when her husband walks into living room with him on his heels. All he cares about is the woman standing _behind_ Jen, looking at him with an equally as surprised expression, only more heartbreaking. The music that’s playing softly in the background is upbeat and he can see by the kitchen mitts gracing her hands that they were actually having fun before he intruded.

“Todd, what the _hell_?” Jen exclaims through gritted teeth. “I told you to— “

“They need to talk.” Todd cuts his wife off, grabbing her arm gently. “Let’s give them some space to do that.”

Jen’s eyes widen before shooting Blake an angry glance. He can’t blame the woman, but he closes his eyes at the sight regardless.

“We’re gonna be only a room away.” Jen promises Gwen. “If you need us, literally don’t hesitate.”

He opens his eyes in time to see Gwen nod in a subdued manner, sliding the oven glove down and off her hand, her nail playing with the material.

He knows it’s only been a few weeks, but it feels like he’s reunited with the love of his life after two gnarly decades. He feels his stomach drop at the broken expression she’s looking at him with, the bags underneath her eyes proving Todd’s words to be true; she really wasn’t getting any sleep.

Her hair is falling softly around her face, the sweater she’s wearing nearly making her drown in the fabric and she’s without any make-up. Even when it’s clear she’s exhausted, there’s no denying the beauty of the woman who is a pro at taking his breath away. She never disappoints. It’s why he’s so terrified to be her in presence now.

“Hey.”

He doesn’t know what else to say, his brain trying to wrap around the fact he’s standing in her proximity again after spending the whole evening spilling his guts out to strangers. Strangers who now have a very detailed impression of the woman standing in front of him.

He’s spilled truths to her brother he hadn’t even been able to admit to himself—or Gwen.

“What are you doing here?” She manages on a whisper, her voice breaking almost immediately. “If you’re here to tell me again how much I _suffocate_ you, please don’t.”

Blake shakes his head as she brings up the very words he regrets speaking the most. His body moves forward on its own accord, stopping when he watches her freeze at the sudden decrease in space between them.

He knows it’s too soon to touch her.

“I’m not here to do any of that.” He says softly, the chill going down his spine combined with the shaking of his hands alerting him to exactly _how_ terrified he is.

“Todd and I…we went to a NA meeting.”

Her eyes widen. “Did you….?”

“I didn’t get high.” He answers her quickly, watching the relief crash into her so hard, it brings tears to her eyes. He refrains from touching her and wiping them off her cheeks, his heart aching in his chest at the sight. “It was just to remind myself that…. I don’t want to ever have to go back in there and tell them I’m back to zero days.”

“That’s....that’s good.” She stutters. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Blake. Why are you here?”

“I made so many mistakes and I know I can’t possibly make up for any of them in the amount of time I’m gonna be standing here in front of you now, but I need to at least tell you why I said some of the things I said.”

Her breath hitches.

“I’m gonna be sick.” She whispers, holding her stomach in an alarming way.

“Gwen, what’s wrong?”

She reaches a hand out for the wall behind her, shaking her head. “I can’t do this now. I’ve been nauseous all day and I’m having the worst headache.”

“Have you been eating or drinking anything?” Blake asks worried, remembering her brother’s words. “Todd told me you’ve been forgetting to do that sometimes.”

“ _Great_.” Gwen grits out. “I’m glad he’s been spilling his heart out to you.”

“He’s just worried.”

Gwen looks at him sideways, a sarcastic smile gracing her features.

“You know, I read the article that came out.” She says suddenly, catching Blake off guard. “Remember, the interview you did while you were ignoring me all night?”

Blake sighs. “Gwen, I’m sorry.”

She nods. “Yeah, _me too._ ”

“I made many mistakes that night and I obviously shouldn’t have stayed and hung around there, but I can’t undo anything that happened that night.”

“Do you even care to?” She shoots back angrily.

“It’s why I’m here, Gwen.” He retorts, his own eyes welling up at the hurt that’s coming from her gaze. “I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go and I still don’t know how I could ever be what you deserve…”

“Maybe you can’t be.” She shudders out. “Maybe you were right all along.”

“Gwen…”

“You _left_ me.” She raises her voice, crying out. “You just left me here and….” The tears streaming down her face makes him reach for her finally, but she steps backwards. “Do you even know how terrifying it is to not even know if you’re okay or if you’re out somewhere getting _high_? Do you realize how _worthless_ you made me feel by just deciding one day you were tired of me and would rather spend your time with literally _anyone_ else?”

“Tell me what I can do?” Blake pleads with her desperately, a stray tear rolling down his cheek. “I’ll do it. I hate myself for hurting you the way I have and I hate it even more that it took me weeks away from you to realize that I was wrong for walking away.”

“If Todd hadn’t contacted you and dragged you to NA…. would you have been here telling me this right now?”

The few beats of silence after her question are loud enough of an answer and he can see the moment she breaks.

“So it wasn’t even time away from me that made you realize.” She cries, her face contorting and crumbling right in front of him.

Not being able to touch her is the biggest torture of all, but he knows he can’t push her now, not after what he’s done to her heart.

“I guess Todd said some things that made me realize I was wrong.” He admits. “Talking about you in NA made me remember all the good you made me feel and _still_ do. I walked away from you because I felt like I was using you like I did every other thing in my life that ever made me feel good, and Gwen....I’m not used to one of these things being anything _good_. I’m not used to something that makes me feel good to also actually be good _for_ me.”

“You talk about me like I’m— “

“I know.” He cuts her off. “And that’s my mistake. It was a mistake, Gwen. I know that now.”

“I don’t know how to believe you.”

Blake exhales loudly. “I understand that, I do.”

Gwen shrugs, her gaze on him becoming a little less focused.

“I was there.” She whispers softly.

“You were where?” He asks, confused.

“Your show tonight.”

The words knock into him with such force, he’s pretty sure she can hear the breaking of his heart. Where he thought she had written him off completely, she had shown up to his final show, showing more strength in one moment than he has in months. It shatters his heart into so many tiny pieces, he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel completely whole again.

“I wanted to see you do what I always knew you could and you didn’t disappoint.” The choice of words renders him further speechless, his eyes welling up again. “I went backstage to wait on you but there was booze everywhere and people who seemed like they were ready to party and you know what, it’s one thing to know you didn’t want me anymore, but to see you completely embracing that lifestyle again. You didn’t just give up on me, Blake. You gave up on _yourself_. And I couldn’t stick around to watch that, so I left.”

He can barely see through the tears, his vision blurred and hands shaking at his sides. “It served me right that you left.”

“I didn’t leave because I was angry at you.” She shakes her head, another few tears falling down. “I left because you were breaking my heart. I left because I missed you, because I couldn’t understand, I _still_ can’t. Why did you leave, why did _you_ — “ Her voice gets cut off by her loud gasp, her body falling back against the wall with a thud.

“ _Gwen_?” He’s next to her in instant, ignoring the way she’s trying to get him to step back.

She’s clenching her stomach, her hand involuntary reaching for his arm in an attempt to steady herself. Another wave of intense pain seems to shoot through her as she lets her body go limp in his arms, his panic levels rising with each passing second.

“Hey, talk to me, what’s going on?”

She takes a few shaky breathes, as she recovers in his hold.

“I’m _fine_.” She whispers right before sucking in another sharp breath.

“Like hell you are.”

“I don’t need your fake concerns, Blake.” She murmurs, her arm still protectively draped across her abdomen. “Don’t pretend to care for me when you’re not even willing to fight for me.”

“Gwen, I— “

“Oh fuck.” She cringes in his arms again, her voice sounding more panicked than upset now. “I need…. something’s wrong. Blake please, get… get Jen out here.”

Her panicked voice is enough to draw Todd and Jen to the sound already, both adults needing less than a second to look at the scene in front of them to spark into action.

“Gwen, is it the b—” Jen starts, but she gets cut off by Gwen’s whine as she slides her arm around Gwen from the other side.

“ _Don’t_.” Gwen warns desperately, confusing Blake even more.

“I’m starting the car.” Todd yells as he’s running down the hallway.

Blake’s heart is beating so hard he’s afraid he’s gonna pass out, his body on autopilot as he helps Jen in guiding Gwen down the hallway and into her brother’s car. It’s not until the night air hits him while Gwen leans into his arms that he gets his mouth to speak the words he’s been meaning to all along.

“What’s wrong with her?” He looks at Jen, who just shoots Gwen a hopeless stare.

“Gwennie, you can’t hide this from him anymore. He _needs_ to know.” She stays silent though, her hand gripping the car door tightly. “If you’re not telling him, _I_ am.” Jen threatens suddenly, her voice a sad murmur.

As Todd speeds the car forward and Gwen is leaning forward, both arms wrapped instinctively around her midsection, an agonizing truth dawns on him slowly. His facial expression breaking as he takes in the woman next to him, struggling to get her breathing under control, her soft and quiet sobs the only things he hears as his thoughts slam into him ruthlessly.

When she looks at him finally, eyes puffy and features terrified, he can only hope it’s not what he thinks it is. She wouldn’t.

Out of all the pain, guilt and suffering in the world, this might be the greatest one he’s experienced. His heart breaks inside his chest as he waits for Gwen to speak the words that will undoubtedly break him.


	21. Till Someone Needs Medical Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mean cliffhanger! Here's a quick update as promised.

Gwen’s hand is squeezing Jen’s so tightly, she thinks she might be hurting her.

All their gazes are fixated on the monitor on her right, including Blake’s. He’s sitting on her left, his hand subconsciously reaching for her free one as he sees the tiny peanut-shaped figure that’s their child on the screen. She hasn’t been able to talk to Blake at all after she admitted to him what she kept from him for weeks, as she was rushed passed the hospital doors and into the care of Dr. Wallace.

The cold gel on her abdomen is being rubbed back and forth as the transducer is being moved around to get the clearest image.

“You see?” Dr. Wallace says again, sensing her fear, still. “That’s your baby and _that_ ….” He points at the sound waves on the bottom of the screen with a smile. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat.”

Gwen doesn’t even think when she squeezes Blake’s hand, a soft gasp escaping her lips.

“Is it strong?” She whispers.

“It’s completely healthy.” The doctor affirms. “You’re still only eight weeks along, which means it will be even stronger and clearer the next time you come in.”

Blake doesn’t even look at either of them as he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from the screen.

The doctor is silent for a few beats before smiling at her. “How about we get this gel off you and hand both parents a copy of this stage of the development?”

“A picture?” Blake asks softly, the first words he’s spoken since the doctor came in to check on her.

He nods. “There’s not much to see yet, but most parents like to see the development the next time they come in, to have something to compare it to.”

They both nod as the doctor cleans her up and motions it’s okay for her to sit up. Gwen tries to gauge Blake’s mood, but it’s hard to tell anything with the way he’s still not facing her. His hand however, is still holding on to hers.

“We do need to talk about what made you come in here though.” Dr. Wallace addresses her then, his chart pressed in his hands. “You’re only in your first trimester which is unfortunately when most miscarriages happen.” Gwen’s body freezes at the mention, her breath shuddering out. “We measured your blood pressure to be 137/90 when you came in tonight, which is incredibly risky and combined with your age, defines this as a high-risk pregnancy. If we don’t get a handle on this, it could pose a serious threat.”

Gwen feels the tears pool in her eyes again.

“Can her blood pressure be fixed?” Blake asks, voice sounding strained.

“It can.” Dr. Wallace responds, gaze going back to Gwen. “Your baby is going through the most essential changes right now and stress from the mother could be really detrimental. It can cause the blood flow to the placenta to get so lessened, the baby will receive less oxygen and fewer nutrients which it needs to grow and develop healthily.”

“What about the bleeding?” Jen asks, and she’s glad her sister-in-law and Blake are taking the lead on these questions, because Gwen’s mind is still reeling, her heart plummeting with each piece of new information the doctor gives.

“The bleeding isn’t something to get overly concerned with yet, as it looked more like spotting than anything else. Which is extremely common during the first trimester. The cramps and the blood pressure is what we need to keep an eye on.”

“But the baby’s okay?” Gwen asks again, unable to produce any other question.

The older man smiles at her sadly, taking pity on her or expressing genuine sympathy—she’s not quite sure. “For now the baby seems healthy, so this was probably just your body’s warning that things need to change.”

“Thank you.” Blake expresses softly, causing the doctor to nod.

“No problem. I will give you guys some space, I’ll be back later with the pictures and we can make an appointment for in two weeks.”

“We’ll leave you two alone for a while too.” Jen says suddenly, placing a soft kiss on Gwen’s hand before letting go. “We’ll be right outside.”

Gwen nods, biting her lip.

The moment the door closes and they’re left by themselves, Blake’s getting up and walking to the other side of the room, his hand rubbing over his mouth.

He is upset, that’s the easiest observation to make, but she can’t see exactly how that’s manifesting in this moment. She doesn’t know if he’s inclined to start yelling any second now, or if he’s two moments away from walking out on her again.

His anger isn’t like her ex’s; explosive and easy. Blake’s is quiet and complex, and if she hadn’t just gotten the warning from the doctor, she probably would’ve let herself grow into a panic over it.

“Blake?” She dares softly, eyes stuck on his unmoving frame on the other side of the room.

She can barely inhale enough air for her words to be audible and the way Blake looks at her like he can barely stand the sight of her, makes her want to hide somewhere and never come out. 

He shoots her one painful glance and holds it.

“How?”

Gwen stares back at him, her hand gripping the edge of the bed she’s sitting on.

“You want me to tell you _how_ I got pregnant?”

His jaw twitches, his palm slamming flat on the wall behind him.

“Gwen, _please_ don’t get smart with me right now.”

She inhales sharply, everything finally coming down. 

In a way, she expected this. It's why it took her so long to tell him in the first place. When she's not busy worrying about his wellbeing, she's worrying about her _own_ after another rejection. Blake isn't like her ex—not in any way. Blake's rejection had been one of the hardest things she's ever been subjected to and it makes her feel wildly frantic to be faced with it again. 

Life had been such a rollercoaster, but lately it had felt as if she was stuck at the top, never coming down. Her adrenaline always spiked at the what if’s, but there was no certainty, no real crash. Not until now. 

She sighs brokenly. “I was going to tell you the night _you_ …” She keeps herself from speaking that truth out loud, as she can see it on his face already. “I only found out a few weeks ago myself. I didn’t know _when_ the right time to tell you was.”

“What about right when you found out?” He shoots back.

“I tried! I _called_.”

The realization dawns on him in such a visual way, she can almost feel his heart breaking inside her own chest.

She wants to reach out and tell him it was never her intention to hurt him like this, but she wonders if it would do any good. 

“Is….is it mine?”

Blake looks at her blankly, the words visibly paining him to say, but she knows it could never hurt as much as hearing them being spoken to her. 

All air escapes her lungs at his question, her head cocking, giving him an intense look.

“How can you ask me that?” She gasps.

Blake takes another step back, his hand covering his mouth as he seems to work out his next response. When he lowers his hand, she nearly wishes he hadn’t. The way his face contorts reminds her of the worst kind of hurt. The one she had felt all these weeks without him.

“Fuck Gwen, I don’t….” He cuts himself off, voice cracking. “How could...why wouldn’t you say anything? Why would you keep this from me?”

She swallows down the lump in her throat, grateful to be sitting already because she’s pretty sure she doesn’t have the strength to stand on her legs right now.

“You think this is how I wanted it?” She cries in response, wiping at the moisture underneath her eyes. “You came home drunk, it wasn’t exactly the right moment to tell you about my pregnancy, now was it?”

“You could’ve told me the next day!”

“When you were leaving me?”

He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t have…. I wouldn’t have done things this way if I had known you were pregnant, Gwen. Fuck, you could’ve….”

Her breathing starts to get laboured, her eyes burning.

“You were in a horrible headspace, you still are…” She says carefully, ducking her gaze down to the floor. “What did you expect me to do? You wanted nothing to do with me anymore and I thought that meant…”

“ _No_.” He shakes his head, cutting her off. “No, you don’t get to use that.”

She looks up at him quickly, feeling herself getting angry all over again.

“What do you mean ‘I don’t get to use that’?” She retorts. “You left me all alone and now you’re telling me that you would’ve reacted differently if you’d known I was pregnant. Really? That’s what it would’ve took to get you to care again?”

“Jesus Gwen, that’s not what I mean and you _know_ it.”

“I actually don’t.” She hisses.

“I messed up and you can call it whatever.” He says. “You can say I’m a bad person, I’m weak, I’m an idiot…all those things you can say and you wouldn’t be wrong. But don’t pretend like I’m the type of man to walk away from my _child_.”

“How would you expect me to know that if you don’t talk to me?” She whispers, sadly. “How was I supposed to know how you’d react if you didn’t even give me the chance to convince you to stay? I called, I texted and you just ignored me. Better yet, you _bragged_ about doing it. Sorry if I didn’t know if you’d take it well. _”_

“I would never have left if I had known what I know now.”

“And you didn’t give me a chance to tell you what you know now, Blake. Don’t you get it?” She snaps. “There was no way for me to know how you’d react; for all I knew, you could’ve gotten high the moment I told you, too overwhelmed by the magnitude of the responsibility.”

Blake speaks quietly. “Is that really what you think of me?”

Gwen ducks her head. “You did not give me a choice. I don’t know _what_ to think of you anymore, Blake. You scared me.”

“Do you still trust me?”

The words hit her like a freight train. What she wants to say is so far removed from what she can say and her eyes immediately start burning.

“I don’t know.” She whispers.

“Jesus Gwen, this….” He cuts himself off again, his hand searching for stability on the wall behind him. “I can’t believe you’ve known for weeks and you didn’t…”

“So this is _my_ fault?” She perks up again, eyes fiery. “You know what, no, _you_ don’t get to do this. You don’t get to make me the bad guy. I did what I thought was best for you!”

“What about what’s best for that baby?” Blake shoots back.

The moment the words leave his lips, she’s basically trembling with anger.

“All I can think about is this baby.” She speaks through a constricting throat. “While you were out doing God knows what, I was trying to figure out how to stay alive for this baby, you know that?” Her voice raises slightly, chest heaving. “You weren’t there, you left me for some cheap booze and what, a few desperate women?” 

Blake’s jaw twitches. “I didn’t cheat on you.”

“Well that’s great. That’s fucking awesome.”

”Are you even listening to me?” Blake pipes up, sighing loudly when Gwen points her finger at him and interrupts him once more.

”No, I waited for weeks to hear something from you, to _listen_. I didn’t get a goddamn thing, no sign of life, no sign of interest. I woke up every day for the past two weeks praying you were alright. I lived in a constant state of fear and you know what? You made your addiction _my_ problem.”

She can physically see him choke up. “Gwen.”

” _You_ can leave my house and know where you’re going next. You know what you’re about to do, but _I_ don’t. I walked on egg shells every day cause I felt like I pushed you to go back to doing music. I thought something horrible was gonna happen to you and it would be my fault. _You_ are the addict Blake, but I was the one dying. I was the one who stayed up all night thinking about how I was gonna tell this baby about their father and how it was their own _mother_ who pushed him over the edge.”

Blake’s jaw locks, his head shaking softly.

“When I left your house, I had no idea where I was going. None at all. I didn’t know what I was gonna do and it scared the shit out of me. But what I do know is that... whatever I did or _thought_ I was gonna do.... it wasn’t because _you_ pushed me to do music again. It wasn’t about anything you did. Whether I relapse or not, will never have to do with anyone else but me.”

”How can you say that?”

”Cause its true.” He rubs a tired hand over his face. “Me getting drunk or high isn’t something I do because of how someone else makes me feel. It’s what I do because of how I make _myself_ feel. It’s why no one else can help me stay clean either. It’s why your brother would get high and still show up at _your_ doorstep. We do what we do to forget our feelings towards ourselves but still want to feel the love from those who make us feel something else.”

Her breathing hitches, a tear sliding down her cheek. 

“Please don’t bring him into this.”

She knows he’s touching on something important, but the mention of Todd in this way confronts her with the terrifying realization that his recovery isn’t promised either and she can’t handle that right now. 

She’s surprised when she finds Blake walking closer to her, sighing lowly.

“I don’t want to fight with you right now.” He says, her heart hammering when both his hands lean on the bed on each side of her legs, trapping her between his arms. His head lifts to look her in the eye directly. “You can’t get this worked up, this stressed. You heard the Doc, it’s dangerous.”

She is still too wired, adrenaline pumping through her veins as she tries hard to get a grip. As much as she’s upset with him, she knows he’s right too.

“ _I know._ ” She whispers, closing her eyes.

“I never stopped caring about you, Gwen.” He says softly, the tone of his voice so fragile it causes her to stare right back into his deep blue eyes. “I never stopped loving you. You can’t possibly think that you being pregnant is what makes me care about you again.”

“Why wouldn’t you let me help you?” She says softly, her anger making way for pure and unfiltered emotion.

“Because I thought you deserved better than that.” He responds quietly. “You spent your whole life looking after people and I didn’t want you to have to do it with me.”

She dares to put a gentle hand over his arm, sniffing. “I know you care. I also know you’re stubborn and indecisive right now and Blake, I can’t go into this thing with you if you’re not dedicated to staying. It will _kill_ me.”

Blake’s features harden, his gaze penetrating her soul.

“Do you really think I’m about to up and leave this baby?” He asks, offended. “I would _never_ do that.”

Her heart is beating so fast, she’s almost dizzy with it. “What about _me_?”

When she looks into his eyes, he looks desperate and even a little afraid. Right when she thinks he's about to pull away from her, he pulls her fully against him, his face going to the crook of her neck. When she feels wetness against her skin from where his tears fall onto her, she breaks too.

Her arms wrap around his neck, her breathing hitching further. You can barely call what they’re doing hugging, as it’s more like _clinging_.

“I could’ve killed our baby.” He whimpers against her, his choice of words making her tense in his arms. “It’s my fault your blood pressure spiked like that. I was so busy with my own shit I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me. I almost killed— “

“Stop.” She cries, pressing kisses against his shoulder. She understands his guilt, but selfishly, his words are killing her. The thought of what _could_ have happened makes her light-headed and she needs Blake to stop uttering these words. “Please Blake, _stop_.”

“You should’ve told me, Gwen.” He cries and his sobs grow louder with each passing second, her hold on him tightening as she tries to keep his shaking under control. “I’m so sorry.”

She shivers at the pure emotion coming from him, her chest pressing into his more firmly, just needing to be close to him and realizing how much she missed his proximity, even under these circumstances.

“I’m sorry for not telling you.” She whispers. “I thought I was going to be the reason you fell off even more. I couldn’t do that. Please understand, Blake.”

He finally looks up from where his face was tucked into the crook of her neck, his eyes red and face completely guilt-ridden.

“This is the second time I nearly killed someone I love.”

The admission hits her so hard she can’t help the sob that escapes her throat, her hand quickly grabbing the back of his neck, pointing his gaze back to hers.

He struggles to look elsewhere, her hand tightening his grip on him. 

“Baby, you didn’t know. _You_ — “

“It doesn’t matter.” He interrupts, his body heaving until he’s breaking on her again. His cry is so loud then, she almost expects Dr. Wallace to come barging in, or maybe her brother and Jen. She looks around and when she realizes no one is coming in, she pulls at his body to get him closer. His whole frame is shaking, his hand on the bed making sure Gwen can't get him much closer. 

"I don't think I can.... I don't—" His words cut off, his head hanging low as his gaze is turned to the ground. Gwen's not sure what he was gonna say, but she doesn't want to hear about what he can't do. She has enough of people's shortcomings. She wants to know what he _can_ do. " _Breathe_." He finally croaks out. "Everything hurts."

"Blake." She cries, feeling both helpless and completely rendered speechless. 

She always knew Blake was capable of great things, but that doesn't exclude _breaking_ greatly as well.

He can't breathe, or doesn't want to, and she's the reason for it. 

Her guilt makes her cry out.

"If something happens to you or that baby, I will..." He inhales deeply. "I will fucking—"

"You will fight." Gwen retorts, gripping his chin until he has no choice but to look at her. "No matter what happens, you _fight_. You have to promise me."

She knows it's selfish, but she knows life is unpredictable and telling Blake nothing bad will ever happen is like telling an addict they'll never relapse again. She can't lie to him, but she needs to know he won't give up on himself in the way she knows he's capable of doing.

"Promise me." She almost hisses, desperation and sadness spilling out of her like a fountain. "Blake, promise me, please."

He shakes his head, breath hitching. "I can't."

"That's not good enough." She cries. "I'll fight for you, for us. Tell me you'll do the same. Don't let me do this alone, don't rob the world of the Blake _I_ know."

"Gwen." He whispers brokenly, the sound reminding her of the most heartbreaking plea. 

She pulls his body backwards with her until he gets the memo, pulling his legs up so he can lay next to her. It throws her off momentarily, not thinking he would allow her to do it, but she recovers quickly. She moves onto her side, pushing his crying frame into her. His head is on her chest, arms wrapped tightly around her.

"My intentions don't matter." He sobs softly. "I could've hurt you two."

She realizes he's going back to his earlier point, unable to promise her anything until that guilt stops wrapping around his heart like a glove, squeezing out any and all sanity. 

“It _does_ matter.” She whispers eventually, his cries quieting a bit but his shakes still as intense as they were moments before. “It matters to me and I know it matters to the little one in here.” She slides a hand between her and Blake so she can touch her stomach, but Blake beats her to it, his doe eyes looking up at her as his large palm covers her abdomen.

“Does this hurt?”

She giggles a little, her hand playing with the hairs in his nape. “No baby, that feels nice actually.”

They’re quiet for a while, their soft cries accompanied only by the light humming of the AC. His body so close to hers and his hand on her stomach reminds her of the intimacy she created with him from the beginning. The bond that made her dream about a family with him in the first place. 

“W-will you take me with you in two weeks?”

Her eyes widen, her palm squeezing the back of his neck.

“Blake, I didn’t even think of _not_ taking you with me for our next appointment.”

Gwen brings her hand around to his chest, slowly moving it higher, pressing into the soft material of his shirt. She stops at the collar, fingers clutching the fabric. She hates how uncertain he looks being so close to her again, his hand on her stomach the only thing he feels good about.

After a few moments, his free hand moves to hers and brings it to his mouth. The sensation of his lips touching the top of her hand makes her yearn for more, and she can feel him smile into her skin.

“Our baby.” He whispers slowly, the hand on her stomach slightly moving. “You’re growing _our_ baby in there.”

She pulls her hand down so she can cover his on her belly. “It still doesn’t feel real.”

He looks up at her, pulling her even closer.

“I’m gonna be here every step of the way. I don’t want you to worry about any of that.”

“What about the rest?” She asks softly, scared to ask but knowing she needs to get all of these things out now.

He sighs. “I think I’m gonna keep going to these meetings with Todd again, until some of the worst urges have passed. Tonight really helped.”

She’s reminded of the insane night Blake has had; between finishing his last show, going to NA with Todd and finding out about her pregnancy. She can hardly blame him for the way his emotions poured out of him now, absolutely drained by recent events.

“That’s good.” She smiles softly, enjoying the way his hand feels on her stomach.

“Maybe you should continue to stay with Jen and Todd for a while.” Blake says suddenly, his gaze directed to her stomach, though there’s nothing to see yet.

Gwen feels herself tensing.

“What, why?”

She watches as he bites his lip, contemplating his words.

“Gwen, Todd said you forget to _eat_.” He says finally. “You heard what the doctor said, right? Everything you do is gonna effect the baby now and if you forget to eat for whatever reason and don’t give the baby the nutrients it needs to survive…”

“Oh my God.” Gwen gasps softly, trying to pull away from him. He looks up at her surprised when she moves to sit up, pushing his hand off her. “You are seriously throwing that in my face right now?”

His features go from relaxed to panicked, sitting up next to her. “Gwen, I’m not attacking you.”

“You’re telling me you think I can’t take care of myself, that I can’t take care of this baby.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what _are_ you saying?” She expresses angrily.

He sighs, rubbing another hand over his face.

“I’m saying that you’re going through a lot right now and you have a tendency to want to do it all by yourself— “

“That’s rich coming from you.” She scoffs.

“— _And_ it could be good to have someone there to help you out when things get rough.” He continues. “And as much as I want that person to be me, I don’t think you’re ready to live with me in the house yet.”

Gwen huffs. “Am I not ready or are _you_ not ready?”

“I’m not trying to fight with you.” He says softly. “Maybe we’re both not ready, but you just said you didn’t know if you could trust me again. That’s gonna take time and I’m willing to do the work to fix it, but that’s not gonna happen overnight.”

“So you want my brother and Jen to babysit me.”

“You’ve done enough for them, I’m sure they don’t mind repaying the favor.” Blake responds carefully. “Please Gwen, just think about it. You’re already there, why not stay for a few more weeks?”

Gwen closes her eyes, feeling the tears pool behind her lids.

“ _Baby_.” Blake whispers, his finger on her cheek making her realize he’s wiping away tears. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just want the both of you to be safe.”

She sniffs, allowing herself to momentarily bask in the feeling of his fingers on her.

“I want you to be there.” She admits.

The broken sigh that leaves Blake’s lips causes her own to slightly tremble.

“I want that too.” He whispers, cupping her chin between his fingers gently. “I _will_ be there. I’m gonna be swinging by there every day if they allow me. I promise. And I won’t stop making things right until you feel good about being alone with me again.” He places a soft kiss on her nose, seemingly afraid to go lower. “I love you.”

Gwen nods, the feeling in her chest heavy, yet the words Blake just spoke making her feel slightly more energized.

“I’ll stay with them for a while longer.” She concedes on a whisper. “But Blake?”

He hums. “Yes, darling?”

She opens her eyes, staring into his pools of blue. 

“Come back to me.”

His fingers lace themselves together in her hair, their noses brushing as he still doesn’t dare to kiss her. A few tears fall in the little space between them as she realizes he’s promising her a thousand things while holding her so close. Her chest is cracked wide open by the way his lips press into her tear-stained cheek, his breath soft against her skin. “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who’s ready for a tiny bit more fluff next?


	22. Forever This Time

As someone who made a living off of writing words, it baffled her sometimes how hard it was to convey how she feels about Blake in script. She was a pro at using superfluous adjectives and yet none of them were enough to describe the way she feels now, as she’s sitting next to Blake, holding his hand. They were getting closer again, though the last few weeks were spent with tentative phone calls and a few morning visits after Leo and Stella went to school. Todd and Jen were being awesome about giving them some privacy each time Blake would come over, even when they were made guests in their own house. Gwen had kept her feelings pretty safely tucked beneath the surface, only showing so much of it, not wanting to scare him or take things too far, too quickly.

But sitting here while Blake works up the nerve to speak with her in the same room, makes her heart both ache and flutter inside her chest. She simply stops trying to disguise her admiration for him in this moment and listens in complete silence as he starts talking hesitantly, yet firm as always.

“I’ve been talking about this for quite a long time, never thinking it would happen.” He says, a touch of playfulness lacing his words. “I haven’t been here often after meeting this woman to my left, but when I _have_ been here, I know I’ve been taking way too long to try and convey what and how I felt about her.” His words earn soft chuckles from the ones around him, but Gwen can do nothing but listen. “You can’t get sober for anyone, that’s the toughest lesson I probably had to learn. Even when I hurt the ones closest to me, it wasn’t going to be them I would do this for. It had to be for me.”

He looks at her briefly, his eyes just as expressive as her own. She could have entire conversations with him just through their gaze and she had watched it happen numerous times. Now, in a room full of strangers to her, they’re able to do the same.

“A few weeks ago, I found out about something that completely changed my life.” Gwen sucks in a deep breath at his words, her gaze never wavering from him, his hand gently squeezing hers, reminding her he’s still holding on. “I was going off the deep end a little bit, getting.…well, you guys know.”

“Say the words, Blake.” His sponsor encourages him.

Gwen watches as he clears his throat, obviously struggling but forcing the words out either way.

“Getting drunk.” He says. “I was getting drunk, hoping that one of these days I’d have the guts to do what I always knew I would, which was get high.”

Gwen feels the urge to close her eyes, but Blake’s spilling his truth in the bravest way there is, so the least she can do is return that with her own act of bravery. She keeps her eyes open, never once leaving his side.

“I was doing things I promised I would never do again and I accidently hurt more than just one person.” Blake’s voice becomes softer, less prominent and now Gwen’s the one to give his hand a squeeze. He looks at her gently, cracking a small smile. “I might not be able to stay sober for anyone, but I sure as hell do feel like I just gained one major reason to stay sober for myself.”

Gwen watches as a few people in the room exchange soft looks—and she _gets_ it. Blake’s tone is full of love, but there’s an undeniable insecurity there. One that shows how much he still doubts himself and his strengths. She fights the urge to pull his head towards her and plant soft and nimble kisses all over him, pressing gentle encouragements into his skin to remind him how good he is when he allows himself to be.

“I brought Gwen here today because I wanted to show her where I go when things get tough. Extra tough.” He exhales. “Because there was a time where this would’ve been the _last_ place you could find me when the going got tough. And I know that every single person here can relate—being here is a win for all of us. Despite my bad days, I know I am only one drug away from never being clean again and I’d never trade my worst day clean for my best day high.”

He turns his head to stare at her, fixating his eyes on her as he pleads with her to see his sincerity—which she does in overflow.

“I’ve hurt you and I broke your trust, and that’s the hardest pill to swallow. But I’m also glad to be here in this moment with you now, at a place where I hoped I would never have to return. I think for a long time, our hearts were in complete understanding of each other, only my brain was too scared to force out the correct words. The correct actions.”

Gwen smiles through her blurry vision, tightening her grip on his hand.

“For a long time I was scared to show you this part of me because it embarrassed me to say I sometimes need this, but I realize now that being here is not part of my failures, it’s part of my wins. Being here means doing something productive when I feel like doing the opposite and that’s why you’re here. Because you need a staple of hope and I couldn’t think of a better way to give that to you than by bringing you here.”

She can’t really speak, doesn’t even think she’s supposed to right now, but she can’t refrain from mouthing an obvious _I love you_.

“You wanna close this one out?” His sponsor asks after a few beats of silence. “You’ve done it quite a few times already.”

The way the older man speaks to Blake makes her heart grow a few sizes, the believe and admiration clear. She knows Blake is one of the success stories around here, being clean from drugs for nearly a year and a half.

Blake nods, turning his head to face the rest of the participants again.

“I’m not a very religious man, but uhm…” He clears his throat, cracking an awkward smile. “One prayer in particular stood out to me during my time in rehab nearly two years ago.” Gwen stares at him so hard she’s surprised no one’s bursting out in laughter, but she can’t help but hang onto every word he says. “God, give me the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which _should_ be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

He nods his head once before looking back at her, squeezing her hand again. A few slow claps are heard as they unanimously thank him for his input tonight, wrapping up the meeting as he’d been the last one to speak.

Blake slowly brings her hand up to his mouth, placing a soft kiss on her knuckles. When the room starts emptying, he gently leans into her to whisper against her ear.

“Too much?”

She shakes her head, swallowing the lump in her throat.

“That was beautiful.” She croaks.

“Wasn’t trying to be.” He murmurs.

“I know.”

He smiles at her softly. “You ready to get out of here? I kinda have something else in mind for us, something a little less heavy.”

She lets herself be pulled out of her chair by him, continuing to hold on to his hand. “What kind of plans?”

His eyes sparkle in that familiar way that makes butterflies erupt in her stomach.

“You’ll see.”

“ _Blake_.” She whines, earning a soft and low chuckle from him.

The sky has darkened since they set foot in the NA meeting, ones Blake now attends a few times a week, as promised. They don’t know how much longer he’ll need to go this systematically, but they’ve found something that works and they’re both glad to be sticking to it for the time being.

Gwen’s twelve weeks along now, her bump finally becoming slightly visible. Blake keeps telling her he loves it and by the way he can’t stop putting his hand over her stomach whenever they’re in private proofs just how much.

She’s not surprised to find his gaze going to her stomach when he holds open the door of his truck for her.

She giggles. “You know your obsession with my stomach is becoming a little creepy.”

He snorts. “You better get used to it. There’s a tiny human being in there. I’m never gonna stop being obsessed with that.”

His words cause a large smile to erupt on her face, a warmth spreading through her limbs as he closes the door and walks over to the other side, climbing behind the wheel.

“Where to?” She asks, hoping to at least get a hint from him.

He smiles. “To the stars.”

She snorts, slapping his shoulder softy.

“Blake, I’m serious.”

“So am I.” He laughs. “Stop askin’.”

She sits back, pouting, ignoring his booming laughter as he takes notice. Despite her curiosity nearly killing her, she’d missed this playful and light banter more than anything. Though she understands they need to take baby steps in order to fix all that broke in the few weeks apart, she had prayed for this version of them to come back soon.

As he drives them closer to the destination he won’t let her in on, she realizes that she’d be happy no matter where he’d take her. Take _them_.

* * *

“Be careful, please.” Blake warns her quietly, offering her his hand as she descends the small mud covered hill, crickets around her and branches crackling beneath her feet the only sounds she hears.

She grabs his hand for stability, though shaking her head. “I’m fine. I’ve been to camp, Blake. I can manoeuvre through some Earthy surroundings.”

Blake snorts. “The fact that you just called it _Earthy surroundings_ is exactly why I’m worried about you walking here.”

She rolls her eyes. “You took me here, so you must have some faith in me.”

“I wanted to take you out for dinner and do something fancy, but…” He pauses briefly, making sure she’s standing safely next to him before continuing down the unruly path. “Neither one of us can drink and well, I thought this might be a little bit more meaningful and less…pressuring.”

Gwen swallows roughly, nodding in agreement.

“But where _are_ you taking me?” She asks. “There’s only mud and grass here and _oh_ —“

She cuts herself off when she takes in the sight in front of her, the small creek looking damn near majestic in the dark, the streetlights from up the hill giving a little bit of lighting to the otherwise dark spot.

Blake pats his hand down on a large stone overlooking the water, stepping aside to let her sit down on it.

“The night I left your house…” He starts slowly and softly, and Gwen doesn’t even have to think about _what_ time he’s talking about. “I needed to clear my head and knew I couldn’t go home, so I just started driving around but my head was pounding and I knew I had to take a small break….I somehow ended up here by accident. Stayed here for about two hours, just thinking, feeling.”

Gwen sits down slowly, taking in his words as she stares out at the water, speckled like a million-dollar diamond in the moonlight.

She could understand why he’d come here to think. The scenery soothing something inside you that feels nearly too broken to be mended. Nature is more powerful than all and she can tell Blake needs to give control to something else besides himself, because all those years of trying to _stay_ in control, is what’s gotten him so fed up with expectations in the first place.

This place right here, was where nature opens its doors to the vulnerable and honest souls; the ones who know life is tough and humans are fragile, the ones who realize they can’t ever win, they can solely try.

“It’s beautiful.” Gwen breathes softly, knowing it’s not a whole lot, but it’s honest at least.

He’s quiet for a bit, but she knows he agrees with her. His hand softly lays on top of her shoulder, fingers digging into the fabric of her coat.

“I’m not mad at you for keeping it from me.”

His words are soft yet not at all hesitant, his gaze staring out in front of him. Gwen can suddenly feel the wind still, the crickets chirping a little less frequently. Everything stills and slows down, except for her heartbeat.

“I know I should’ve told you sooner.”

Blake bites his lip, finally looking down at her. 

“In a perfect world, you should’ve.”

“Blake— “

“It’s not a perfect world we’re living in.” He interrupts, squeezing her shoulder as if he’s trying to apologize for cutting her off. “I thought about what you said and you were right.”

“About what?” She whispers.

“About not knowing how I would react.” He admits softly. “I’d like to think I would’ve dropped everything and started begging for forgiveness right then and there, but there’s a big chance I could’ve freaked out. I could’ve gone out to clear my head and God, I don’t know. I could’ve….”

“I don’t think you would’ve.” She shakes her head, feeling herself getting emotional. “I was scared and upset when I said that, but you were right as well. You’re not the type of person to abandon your child. I know you would’ve done what you needed to do to turn things around. I couldn’t see that back then.”

“And I don’t blame you for that.”

“I wanted nothing more than to have you there.” She continues, biting her lip. “Every night I would check my phone, hoping you’d decide to come over. No matter how upset I was with you, I knew I would’ve opened the door for you in a heartbeat.”

He holds her gaze, his hand squeezing her shoulder. He must sense she’s getting cold because he’s taking off his jacket the next second, and softly drapes it over her.

“Blake, no, you’ll catch a cold.” She whispers, even though both her hands grab the edges of the jacket and squeeze it tighter around her.

He chuckles. “I’m used to the Oklahoma cold, darlin’. I’ll be fine.”

Blake’s standing so close, she’s able to lay her head back against his chest, one of his arms coming around her as he holds her.

It’s a surreal moment to be here, at such a peaceful place, with Blake’s arms around her and their creation inside her. It feels almost like the picture she had in mind all this time, though she can’t shake the little bit of fear that tells her she can’t get used to this.

“Is it getting too much for you?” Blake asks softly, sensing her tension as always.

She smiles sadly. “I don’t think it could ever be too much.”

_I don’t think you could ever be too much._

She doesn’t say it, but she thinks it, knowing that now is not the time to push either one of them too far.

“Just tell me when you want to go home.”

It kills her how insecure he sounds and it reminds her of everything that’s yet to be fixed and everything they managed to break. She wants nothing more to go home, but it’s not at her brother’s house and it’s damn sure not any place without Blake.

She doesn’t tell him that either. He’s trying his best and it’s more than she expected a few weeks ago. It’s more than she knows to expect from an addict. She hates the way her brain always circles back to that and she knows Blake was right about another thing.

It _is_ partially how she views him. No matter how much she loves him, no matter how much she still trusts him, she also doesn’t forget what he is.

But she knows it’s not _who_ he is.

The soft breeze around her feels comforting, much like Blake’s arm and she lets herself bask in it for a while. Her lips curve up into a tiny smile, content by simply being, neither one uttering a word.

It’s like they’re both staring out over the water, realizing what they had nearly lost. Much like the golden stained water in front of them, they were drawn to each other’s prettiness, addicted to the golden feeling they could make each other feel, not paying attention to the depth of the waters they were jumping in. Not realizing they were swimming against the tide until they both nearly drowned.

But also like the water in front of them, they find peace and stillness in each other. Like the water in front of them, they’re able to take each other’s fears and broken pieces and create something golden, something that’s reliable and strong. Something that’s worth exploring, something they should never let dry up again.

A sudden wave of nausea causes her to look down at the ground, finally tearing her eyes away from the large creek. She inhales deeply, trying to push the feeling down, but knowing from experience that these waves can last for a few hours.

“You okay?” Blake asks, voice worried instantly.

It still surprises her how much he knows her sometimes.

“Yeah.” She murmurs. “Just a little nauseous.”

“You’ve been feeling nauseous the whole time?”

“No, it comes in waves.” She explains. “Yesterday was pretty bad, I spent the whole day in bed basically, feeling too dizzy and light-headed to do much of anything.”

Blake looks at her softly, biting his lip.

“Baby, I wish you would’ve told me. I would’ve come over.”

She smiles. “I know you would’ve, you’ve been coming over nearly every day. I wanted you to have some time for yourself too.”

“I literally don’t care about that right now.” Blake responds, still appearing to be incredibly nervous and worried. “Is it normal to feel that nauseous?”

She nods. “I mean, it’s my first time being pregnant so I don’t know. But the doctor said I should expect to feel morning sickness at any time of the day, despite the name. Plus, internet said it’s normal.”

Blake cracks a tiny smile. “You’re checking _Google_ to see if you’re experiencing any pregnancy complications?” He snorts. “What could possibly go wrong with that?”

“Don’t be a jerk.” She smiles, closing her eyes as another wave makes its way through her body, causing her to swallow roughly.

“Come on, let’s get you back in the truck.” Blake states softly, his arm disappearing from her midsection as he gently taps her shoulder.

She’s sad their evening has come to an end, but she’s realistic enough to realize she’s only going to feel worse. It’s probably best to head home and try to get some sleep.

She doesn’t even think about it when she grabs his hand, the dark path now barely illuminated and the slight chill from the night making her even more desperate to be close to him. Luckily, Blake doesn’t hesitate to intertwine their fingers, leading her up the pathway and back to the familiar car that now holds so many memories.

* * *

  
“We’re here.”

Gwen chuckles softly at Blake’s announcement of the obvious, her heart feeling slightly heavy at seeing Todd’s home out of the car window.

She nods. “We are.”

She doesn’t immediately reach for the door handle and it causes Blake to unbuckle his seatbelt and hop out, walking over to the passenger’s side to open her door. She smiles at the chivalry and takes his hand again as she jumps out of the truck as well, crashing into him a little bit. He holds her steady while walking up the patio with her, standing still in front of the wooden door.

She turns to him slowly. “Blake…”

His hand tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, his finger lingering against the side of her cheek for a few more seconds.

“Thank you for tonight.” She whispers, biting her lip. “For all of it.”

“Thank you for coming with me.” He retorts, still touching her cheek.

She leans into his hand, smiling when he cups her face fully, his thumb softly stroking her jaw.

“I don’t know if it’s too soon or if you don’t feel like it, but— “

The forceful yet blissful interruption comes in the form of his kiss, his lips soft yet determined against hers. His hands slide up to cup he jaw, tilting it enough to deepen their make-out. Gwen’s been waiting so long for this moment, she can’t even think about stopping, the thought of literally standing on her brother’s doorstep not even occurring to her.

Things escalate a little when Blake’s lips descend to her neck, her knees weakening as he sucks on her pulse point. His arm comes around her waist to catch her, tugging her closer as she can feel his own need and desperation pressing against her hip.

She giggles bashfully, both pulling away, breathing heavily as their foreheads rest against each other. She doesn’t want to stop, wishes she could just take him to her home and finish what they started, but she knows they can’t.

“Sorry.” Blake whispers, cupping her cheek again.

“Don’t be.” She responds, her hand sliding up his chest. “God Blake, you don’t know how badly I needed that. How badly I still do.”

She kisses him again but pulls away before either one of them can deepen it once more. She wants to, she wants nothing more than to be naked and wrapped around him somewhere, but they’re here tonight with the promise of continuing to take it slow, to build on their trust and intimacy without crossing that physical threshold. She knows they both aren’t willing to throw their progress out of the window and she knows Blake’s serious about giving her everything she deserves in due time, though they’re both still working to get to a place where they can both truly give that to each other.

Blake softly kisses her forehead, his hand sliding down to her lips, fingers softly touching her where his mouth had just been.

“It’s been way too long, I agree.” He says, and she feels like that might be the understatement of the century. She’s pregnant and hormonal and she hasn’t been with Blake in _that_ way for nearly two months since they had their blow-up at her house. “But I don’t want to take things too far on your brother’s doorstep. That’s not exactly how I pictured this moment to go.”

Gwen snorts. “How juvenile is this? You’re dropping me off after having a great evening and we’re sneaking kisses on my family’s porch.”

Blake smiles, sweetly pecking her on the lips again. “Yeah, but isn’t it also kinda hot?”

“It would be hotter if you took me home right now to have your way with me.” She murmurs, letting him press her into his chest.

His low chuckle vibrates against her chest, making her bite her lip in anticipation.

“All in good time, baby girl.”

She looks up at him, smiling. “I’m gonna miss you tonight.”

In her mind, she had something more eloquent and circumspect she wanted to say, but maybe this unpolished directness is exactly what they need. So many of their conversations have been carefully guarded and nuanced, the words shrouded in hidden meaning. It’s been the cause of multiple misunderstandings.

“I’ll call you when I get home. To check up on you.” He says in earnest, his words reeling her back from the edge of anxiety.

She steps into him one more time, loving how he always welcomes her in his embrace. His touch calms and steadies her as always and she understands now why it’s always been so hard for them to take things slow; being in his arms makes her never want to leave, and so she never does.

“You should probably go.” She whispers sadly, shaking her head. “Otherwise we’ll just continue to stand here forever.”

When she directs her gaze up at him, his are twinkling with the same realization. He lifts both hands to tenderly cradle her jaw, pressing his lips to hers one last time.

“I love you…. _and_ the little one.” He slides his hand down to her stomach, rubbing there once. “See you both again soon.”

She smiles and nods, watching as he walks back towards his truck at the beginning of the driveway. When she uses the spare key to get into Todd and Jen’s house, there’s an unfamiliar amount of hope wrapping around her heart.


	23. A Hand On The Gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter cause it’s been a while

_A crash from inside startles him as he rushes back into the kitchen. There on the floor, amidst a pile of shattered glass, he finds his niece looking around the room with wide eyes. There’s an empty whisky bottle that had fallen off the counter and a broken plate right next to it. He figures his niece had tried to reach for the plate on the counter and accidentally knocked the bottle next to it off as well. He forgot to take it out, but he honestly didn’t think Jace would get into the kitchen anyway._

_He quickly makes his way over to her, crouching down near where she sits and lifts her off the ground. Her small hands rest on his shoulders as she looks up at him with glassy eyes._

_“Sorry.” She whispers apologetically, chin trembling._

_He carries her the short distance from the kitchen to the living room sofa, sitting down with her in his lap._

“ _That’s okay, sweet girl.” He croaks, trying to clench the horrifying guilt wrapping around his heart. He should’ve gotten rid of the bottle. That could’ve ended way worse. “You did nothing wrong. Did you try to get something to eat?”_

_Jace nods bashfully, snuggling up against his chest._

_“Why didn’t you call for me?” He asks softly_ , _placing his hand at the back of her head. “I would’ve made you something. You don’t have to do that yourself. That’s the best part about being a kid, you know?” He tells her playfully._

_“I thought I could reach it.” The little girl exclaims. “I wanted to show you I can make a peanut butter sandwich.”_

_Blake chuckles softly, but his joy only lasts so long as he feels the wetness of the girl’s tears against his shirt. His heart drops._

“ _Baby girl, did you hurt yourself? Show me your hand.” Blake doesn’t wait for an answer, and instead gently grabs her little hand in his to inspect it. He can’t see any visible cut or scrape, but he still isn’t fully convinced._

_“Do I need to go to the hospital?” Jace whispers, spooked. “The bottle fell on my hand.”_

_Blake closes his eyes for a fraction of a second, swallowing down the self-hatred that’s on the tip of his tongue._

“ _I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your hand, buddy.” He tells her sweetly, placing a soft kiss on her knuckles. “It might hurt a little though, I’m sorry about that.”_

_“Will you tell mommy I broke your plate?”_

_His heart breaks at hearing her subdued little voice, especially since the only guilty one here is him._

_He shakes his head. “A plate can be fixed, it’s no big deal. How about we go get you a real sandwich now?”_

_He’s glad little kids have short attention spans, because Jace’s face lights up with a soft and eager smile. “Yes! Can I show you how I make a peanut butter one?”_

_He ruffles her hair once before placing a kiss on the top of her head, gently manoeuvring her off his lap._

_“You can, but I’m gonna clean up the kitchen first so no one will get hurt. I need you to stay here, okay? I’ll be right back.”_

_Jace nods in obedience as she finds the remote control to be busy with. As he walks back into the kitchen, he can hear the television starting to blare behind him. He’s just glad she’s distracted and won’t come in here. The glass on the floor is easily cleaned up, but he can’t get his mind to stop going over the could’ve been-s_

_His niece could’ve seriously cut herself on these shards. He thought about throwing the bottle out this morning, but he still had the worst hangover from drinking the whole thing the night before, combined with the last stash of coke he’d kept hidden in his closet._

_He told himself he would take out the trash later, but the hours ticked on and before he knew it, Endy arrived on his doorstep with an eager and excited Jace on her heels._

_Blake throws the remnants of glass in the garbage bag and eventually sticks his head around the corner, clicking his tongue._

_“I think there might be a little girl nearby who’s dying to teach me how to make a peanut butter sandwich.” He teases, pretending to look around the room. “I don’t know where she might be though…”_

_Jace nearly jumps off the couch, running towards him._

“ _That was me silly.”_

_“Oh it was?” Blake continues, raising his brow. “I’m not sure.”_

_Jace pushes against his leg, making him step into the now cleaned up kitchen again._

_“Can you reach for the plate?” She asks sweetly, learning her lesion and not trying to attempt it herself again. “I will do all the rest.”_

* * *

Blake rubs his hand over his mouth once, at the disturbing flashback playing in his mind. He knows his brain cut out the worst part on purpose; his sister Endy coming to pick her daughter up the next morning as a small but prominent bruise had wrapped around Jace’s tiny finger, making what happened before a tale that had to be told. Endy had looked at him with such disgust, he can still feel the repercussions of that look at night.

To any normal person, leaving a bottle out in the open with a kid around could be an honest mistake. With him, it was something borderline atrocious.

Something irresponsible and expected—something an _addict_ would do.

Family has never been his strong suit. He likes to think of himself as a family man, the one who keeps the family together, but it’s never been quite like that. He was the one who left his family as early as eighteen years old, to pursue a career in music. He never looked back, at least not often enough.

When he started chasing highs in different things than just music and women, family became an even more complex idea. He never thought of himself as a family man, he hardly had the balls to face his own, the thought of _starting_ one just something he’d dream about in the midst of a trip.

Sometimes, that’s still how this new reality feels to him. A trip. A sensationalized perception of what’s happening around him, the afterglow hours the ones he experiences now Gwen’s back in his life, but also the harrowing fear of the unknown and uncertainties that he can almost taste.  
  
Gwen’s hand reaches out for him suddenly, making him look down at her.

She’s wearing a flowery dress that lose around her body and he knows she does it on purpose. Some days she’s fully basking in her pregnancy, enjoying the small bump and wearing clothes to accentuate the magical process. Other days—like these—she finds herself insecure and bothered, hormones and fears telling her she’s no longer desirable.

He hates to see it, but he knows where it comes from. He knows they’re deep rooted issues she’s been dealing with for much longer than he’s been in her life for, and he’s not about to rush her in the process of unlearning some of these toxicities.

“You look beautiful.” He says, catching her slight eye-roll. “I mean it.”

“I’m bloated and uncomfortable.” She whines in response, letting her free hand cover her protruding stomach.

“You’re four months pregnant.” He responds. “And you’re _gorgeous_.”

It had been an adjustment with Gwen living at home again and him being there nearly every day. He still has his own place, but he hasn’t been there in almost two months. He wants to spend every moment with her, especially considering this isn’t an easy pregnancy. It hasn’t been easy at all.

Her nausea and cramps never stopped and her doctor visits have been stressful 80% of the time—both of them preparing for the worst and praying for the best each time. Luckily, the baby’s heartbeat is still strong and no real troubles seem to be on the horizon so far. Gwen’s blood pressure has gone down, but it’s still not perfect. Something they both stress about more than they’re willing to admit.

He wonders if today’s events will mess with that even more, a present fear in the back of his mind. He wants today to go smooth, even if he can see numerous ways in which it might not.

Gwen’s parents are coming over for the first time since her pregnancy and it will be the first time Blake’s introduced to them at both.

He knows they’re vaguely aware of his struggles and the results of that on their daughter. He can understand why they wouldn’t be jumping out of their skin with excitement to meet him, but he still hopes the meeting will at least be amicable; not for him, but for Gwen.

She can’t handle any more stress and he can’t bear the thought of once again being the reason for it.

Gwen squeezes his hand, standing in front of him. She lets go of his fingers to slide her arms around his neck, pressing herself on her tip toes against him.

“Are you nervous?”

Blake chuckles, pecking her lips softly. “Can you tell?”

She hums. “You get really quiet when you’re nervous.”

“I just don’t want this to put any strain on you.” He says honestly. “I don’t want you to get stressed out if they end up not liking me.”

“Why wouldn’t they like you?”

“ _Baby_ …”  
  
She shakes her head. “I’m serious. So we’ve had our issues, _you_ had your issues, but that doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of me or my love.”

“They might not see it that way.” He tells her gently.

“You’re the father of my child.” She says softly, staring him so deep in his eyes, he can feel it in his bones. “You’re the love of my life. If they can’t respect that, that’s their problem.”

His hands slide to her lower back, holding her.

“All I want is for you to keep that attitude.”

“Hmmm.” She hums, biting her lip. “All _I_ want is for you to slide your hands just an inch lower, but I’m afraid I might not be able to control myself and we literally don’t have the type of time for what I have in mind.”

His eyes widen, the sudden change of subject and mood throwing him off. He recovers quickly and chuckles, shaking his head.

“Have I told you already how much I love the increased horniness ever since you got pregnant?” He jokes, pressing his lips against her forehead.

“No.” She responds seriously. “But I think you _showed_ me pretty well last night.”

He grunts at the memory of flipping her around midway through riding him, the headboard hitting the wall ferociously with each powerful thrust into her. They both came undone in record time, the scratches on his back and hickies on her chest representing the physical evidence of their passion.

“Isn’t there something that needs to be arranged before your parents get here?” He changes the subject, feeling himself getting too affected by her teasing. “Maybe putting some snacks on the table? Coffee...?”

He tries to step out of her hold, but she just tightens her arms around the back of his neck and smiles.

“Blakey, are you trying to change the subject?”

“I am.” He responds, nodding. “I am _desperately_ trying to do that.”

“But what if I don’t want to?” She asks coyly, the innocent look in her eyes driving him crazy. “What if I want to talk some more about how well you fucked me last night?”

He shakes his head. “Snacks would be good. Do your parents like salsa dip?”

Gwen starts laughing when he manages to get himself free from her hold, walking towards her kitchen.

“Sure.” She giggles. “I kinda wasn’t done talking about the things _I_ like though…”

“Chips, definitely chips.” Blake continues, raising his voice slightly to talk over her, earning him another laugh. “Good Lord.”

* * *

The room feels tense, the silence eerie as Gwen reaches forward to grab her coffee mug from the table. Blake watches the motion, catching her eye as she puts the glass to her lips. She gives him a brief and encouraging smile before sipping on the dark liquid.

“So, Blake.” Her dad states firmly, causing his gaze to divert to the older man in front of him. “Gwen tells me you’re a singer too. Is that your full-time gig?”

Blake clears his throat, nodding. “Yes sir. I’m not currently doing any performances or music though. I’m focusing on getting some things in order for myself, making sure I can give your daughter what she deserves.”

He hums. “You’ve been putting a lot of stress on her.”

“ _Dad_.” Gwen intervenes on a hiss.

“It’s okay, he’s right.” Blake responds gently, putting a hand on her knee. “I _have_ put a lot of stress on her and I’m deeply sorry about that. I know I failed at meeting some basic responsibilities but I’m determined to fix that.”

“If she can’t count on you staying sober for a few shows, how can she be sure she can count on you with raising her child?”

“Our child.” Gwen corrects him with wide eyes, her voice strained. “It’s _our_ child, dad. And Blake will be an amazing father.”

Blake swallows roughly, the conversation quickly getting away from him.

“There’s nothing more important to me than Gwen and our baby. I can promise you that.”

Dennis pinches the bridge of his nose, jaw locking visibly. “Blake, I have nothing against you. I have a son who struggles with the same thing you do, so I can’t say I’m not the least bit sympathetic to your...situation. But this is my daughter we’re talking about and she’s pregnant. She can’t afford to be dragged around in this nonsense any longer. I’m sure you understand that.”

He squeezes Gwen’s leg, quietly telling her to stay calm and let him take this one.

“I do understand.” Blake reacts calmly, though his heart is racing. “I wish I was sitting across from you with a better track record, something I could tell you that would make you less nervous about having me around your daughter, but I don’t think I can.”

Her dad sighs. “Your honesty is refreshing. I just don’t know if it’s enough. This is my grand-baby too.”

“I want nothing more than to be what they both deserve.” Blake says.

Gwen shakes her head and when he takes a good look at her, he can see her eyes are glossy.

“And you _are_. Please dad...” She directs her gaze at the man sitting across from them, looking at him with contempt. “Stop this.”

“Honey, why don’t we get something else to drink?” Patti intervenes, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Blake stands up suddenly, feeling the need to walk some of the tension out and escape her father’s condemning gaze.

“Don’t get up, I got it.” He tells them politely. “One more beer and another glass of red?”

Both her parents nod and he looks at Gwen to gauge where she’s at. She’s looking straight ahead though and he’s almost relieved he won’t have to hear what Gwen has to say to them when he walks into the kitchen.

He opens the fridge, taking out another bottle of beer and setting it on the counter. As he goes to pour Gwen’s mom another glass of wine, he rests his hand on the kitchen island, inhaling deeply.

He’s been sober for two and a half months, a complete sobriety. He and Gwen have made the decision together that he would stop drinking for the time being, perhaps forever. It would all come down to how well he learned to truly live in moderation. It’s something he knows he’s not in the right place for these days, and through NA meetings and his biweekly therapy sessions, it’s been an easier road than he could’ve imagined before.

The incentive to stay sober has never been this big either.

But after hearing the judgments of her father— justified ones, if he’s being completely honest with himself— the drinks in front of him look more enticing then they have in a while.

He shudders out a broken breath before walking back into the living room area, handing both parents their drink of choice.

He sits down next to Gwen, immediately feeling some of the worst urges die down again. Her hand slides over his knee this time, squeezing as if she’s aware and she’s proud of the silent challenge he just passed.

“Gwen told us you’re from Oklahoma.” Patti says sweetly, holding his gaze. “You must miss it terribly when you’re out here.”

Blake’s grateful for the different subject and smiles.

“Sometimes. It’s much better now I’ve met your daughter. She makes LA worthwhile for me.”

Her mother beams at that. “Gwen has always loved nature, it made her feel free, even as a little kid. She would run around for hours, just so excited by what she saw; whether it was the ocean or just some simple trees. I’m not surprised she ended up with someone who has a bunch of nature as a backyard.”

Blake looks at Gwen full of amusement, chuckling lowly.

“She’s gonna have more nature at her disposal than she’ll know what to do with.”

“That’s not true.” Gwen pouts. “I will know what to do with it. You’ll maintain it and I’ll take walks in it.”

Blake snorts. “I think we need to talk about that arrangement a little bit more...”

“You seem to forget I’ve already been there once and I knew _exactly_ what to do.” Gwen shoots back, her voice unwavering but the look in her eyes nearly making Blake choke on air.

He doesn’t even know how to feel about Gwen teasing him with that memory right in front of her parents, but he tries his hardest not to crack.

“She’s a fast learner.” Blake concedes quickly, hoping the victory is enough for Gwen to drop it.

She does, but not without a smug smile on her features.

“Are we really just gonna pretend like everything’s _kumbaya_ here?” Her father expresses finally, his beer bottle getting forcefully placed upon the coffee table. “For God’s sakes Gwen, am I the only one being realistic here?”

The look on Gwen‘s face is an exact mirror of her mom’s and Blake knows that if he doesn’t say something now, Gwen is going to.

“Sir, I wa— “

“— _No_.” Gwen cuts him off and he can feel the nerves and worry spread through his veins like a drug. “Blake is done explaining himself to you. This is ridiculous.” Her voice is getting louder with each word she speaks. “He’s not here to be interrogated or judged by you. You’re our guest. You’re in our home. Talking about our baby.” She shakes her head again, a tear rolling down her cheek. “If you can’t respect that... if you can’t respect him, I don’t think you should be here.”

Blake’s absolutely stunned by her words, not realizing he was holding his breath until he’s forced to inhale deeply.

Dennis looks at them both, eyes wide and features hardened.

“Maybe I shouldn’t be.” He says, eventually, getting up from his place on the lounger. “I’m sorry Gwen, I can’t be around and pretend to be okay with this.”

“Dennis?” Patti tries softly, but it’s no use.

The older man is getting up and walking towards the hallway without a second glance backwards and the look on Gwen’s face is one of complete horror and pain.

It’s his worst fear coming alive once more and when her face crumbles and Patti rushes to her side to comfort her, he knows he’ll have to subject himself to her father’s wrath once more.

He leans down to press a gentle kiss on top of Gwen’s head, feeling slightly better about knowing he’s leaving her behind in her mother’s arms, though he really wants to be the one to comfort her.

He knows he will later, but now he’s got to try and turn things around. It’s the least he can do and it’s also the least he can do for himself. He didn’t work this hard, come this far, to have everything reduced to nothing by a guy who doesn’t know anything about him, except for his demons that mirror his son’s.

He finds Dennis leaning against his car door, obviously wishing Patti had followed him out and instead is faced with Blake. Blake’s seen enough disappointments in his life to not be particularly hurt by the look of it on Gwen’s father’s face.

"She might not understand." Her father starts talking without any prompting, leaning his hand on the hood of his car. "But I'm doing this for her. Everything I’ve ever done has been for her."

Blake nods, looking down at his shoes before back at her dad. "Sounds like you and I have similar priorities then."

"I'm afraid I find that hard to believe."

There's a fight going on inside his heart, his brain, one he didn't think he'd have to face so soon. He can either give in to the part of him that agrees, the part that sees himself in the exact same way Dennis does. Or he can fight for the part of him that believes in a better version. The one Gwen sees.

He sighs. "I'm not gonna provide you with another explanation about who I am, because I don't think that's beneficial right now. I can tell you how much I love your daughter, but I think it's best if I just show that. Every day, I will try to show her that."

"Gwen loves hard." Dennis says, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter how much they show her how undeserving they are of that, Gwen will find it in her heart to care."

"Gwen's inside crying her eyes out while pregnant." Blake states calmly, though his palms are becoming clammy at the prospect of what he's about to do. He figures her father appreciates his honesty more than anything, but he's aware it could go both ways right now. "I have done more wrong than I've done good in my life, but I promised not to be the cause of her tears again and I'm making good on that promise."

"You just said she's crying right now." Dennis shoots back.

"Not because of me."

Dennis glares at him, something painful bursting in his eyes, drenching into his features.

"I can't support this." He nearly growls.

"All due respect sir, but this isn't about supporting our relationship, it's about supporting _Gwen_. Doesn't she at least deserve that?" Blake breathes out. "Doesn't she deserve the same courtesy she showed this family over and over again?"

It's not lost on him that Gwen hasn't seen her family in over four months, aside from Todd and Jen. It's starting to dawn on Blake that maybe Gwen's relationship with her dad in particular has never been the most stable of ones.

"Blake…” Dennis sighs, biting his lip hard. “I’m gonna tell you this now, father to father—one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is watch your kids make choices you don’t understand. I don’t understand this one and I think you’d feel the same if one day your own child would make this exact decision.”

It hurts, a brutal ache in his chest that paralyzes him for a second.

"I'm not asking you to spare my feelings." Blake says breathily, trying to regain his bearings after feeling her father’s words rattle his bones still. "I'm asking you to spare hers."

Dennis is staring at him relentlessly as footsteps sound from behind him. Blake turns his head in time to see Patti hurrying down the driveway, Gwen’s body leaning against the doorway.

Her mother touches his arm briefly before smiling up at him. “Blake, it was nice to meet you. I think it’s time my husband and I go home though.”

Blake sucks in a breath, not exactly satisfied with how he and Dennis left things, but also not feeling confident he’s able to change the older man’s feelings anytime soon.

He nods. “It was nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“Patti.” She corrects him, squeezing his arm once before approaching her husband.

Blake shares one last look with the man, fighting the urge to give up.

“It was nice meeting you too, sir.” Blake dares to say quietly, deciding against trying for another handshake. “Hopefully next time will be better for all of us.”

Dennis stares at him for a few beats before softly nodding, deciding not to speak the words Blake can see laying on the tip of his tongue.

He doesn’t know if the older man finally had some mercy on him and wanted to spare Blake another horrible blow or if he’s just tired and can’t get away fast enough, but either way, Blake feels some relief at it.

He watches the car drive off before turning back towards Gwen, approaching her in the doorway. She doesn’t give him enough time to pull her in for a hug as she’s immediately walking down the hallway, getting herself back inside.

Blake closes the door behind them, scared and unable to come up with words that can possibly make this moment feel less like a disappointment.

"That went well." Gwen exclaims sarcastically and it hurts him to see the remnants of tears in her eyes.

Blake sighs deeply, walking closer to her.

"Baby, I know that didn't go exactly as you planned but—" He gets cut off before he can turn the sentence around, her hands sliding through her hair in frustration.

"Not exactly as I had planned?" She repeats, her lips parting slightly. "My dad was totally disrespectful and hurtful to you. I don't even think I can handle knowing what he said to you in private." She's quiet for a few beats, grimacing at him. "I'm so sorry, Blake."

He walks closer then, letting his hands lower to her hips.

"I'm fine."

"How can you be?" She retorts. "Damn it, Blake. You're trying. You've been working so hard and all people want to focus on is the past."

His hand softly squeezes her waist. "Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour they say. I know I don't have to explain to you how this works, you've seen it first-hand..."

She sighs. "I know I haven't always been fair to Todd."

"I didn't mean it like that." Blake responds, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I mean that sometimes all you can do is expect the worst until someone shows you better. Words stop meaning something after the hundredth time you've been disappointed."

"But you haven't disappointed my dad, he barely even knows you."

"I disappointed his _daughter_." Blake says softly, wincing a little. "That might be even worse."

Gwen closes her eyes, leaning into his hold until her head is laying against his chest. Blake tightens his arms around her, holding her in his embrace, hoping his words do more good than they do damage.

"Did he seem upset when you and him got done talking outside?" Gwen asks softly, and he can tell she's feeling tense at the prospect of what could've happened.

"He seemed tired." Blake responds honestly, kissing the top of her head. "I don't think I managed to convince him I'm worthy of you, but he didn't seem angry either."

She shakes her head. "Todd used to tell me there are only two things our dad cares about –his work and himself. I never used to believe him, but I think I see it now."

"Maybe you need to give him the benefit of the doubt."

"He tolerated me because no matter how unhappy I was, I _appeared_ put together. Todd never did, he struggled openly and it affected the way people saw my dad. Suddenly he was the man with an addict son. Now I'm the daughter with the addict boyfriend." She tenses in his hold. "Sorry."

"You didn't lie." He chuckles, rubbing her back softly.

She's quiet for a while, her hand sliding up his chest. "Blake?"

He hums. "Yes?"

"Can we lay down?" She whispers, her voice suddenly a bit strained. "I'm really tired."

He can tell she's trying hard to keep him from worrying, but he's still able to detect a hint of strain in her voice. "Of course. Are you feeling alright?"

She pulls away from him slightly, wincing. "I'm just really exhausted and I'm feeling nauseous again."

"Should we call your doctor?"

She rolls her eyes, and he can recognize that look well; she's getting annoyed. He knows he tends to worry too much about her ever since he found out about her pregnancy and Gwen’s not always good at handling that level of care and protectiveness.

"Not everything is a reason for concern."

"No, but you're always nauseous and the Doc said it should be getting less. Has it?"

Her silence is enough of an answer.

Blake sighs. "Tell you what, why don’t we go lay down for a little while and if the nausea still doesn’t get any better by tonight, we’ll call your Doc for an appointment?”

If he had it his way, he would drive her to the hospital right now, but he knows a lot of it is also just part of the process. He feels like ever since realizing there’s life growing inside her, it feels like his heart is partially beating inside of Gwen’s chest too. His fears and worries are all put in overdrive and most days, he finds himself incredibly overwhelmed by it.

He didn’t even realize it when Gwen softly nodded to agree with him, her small hand tugging him up the stairs and into her bedroom.

Blake had been staying at her house for weeks on end basically and started to move more naturally around her place. He immediately went to close the curtains, knowing Gwen was probably heading straight for the covers. He smiles to himself as he watches her do just that, her hands tugging her dress off before she’s climbing under the covers in nothing but her underwear.

Blake whistles lowly in his throat, making his way over to the bed.

“You know if you felt like sleeping completely naked, I would have zero objections about that, right?”

She chuckles, obviously awaiting him to join her in bed. He only takes off his pants before lifting the covers enough to slide in next to her, his arm immediately reaching for her. She snuggles up closer to him, her head laying on his pillow as her hand lays across his chest.

After the insanely stressful afternoon they both had, this moment of silence shared between just the two of them, feels incredibly needed and cathartic.

“Maybe I also feel this bad because I can see some of the judgements my dad had towards you and I recognize them, you know?” She starts suddenly, her voice soft and hoarse. “I even said some of those exact things to Todd when he was going through it. I doubted him, I told him he wasn’t good enough for those precious kids he had waiting for him at home…. I’ve been horrible to him.”

Blake’s arm tightens its hold on her.

“Sweetheart, Todd is incredibly grateful for all the guidance and support you’ve shown him.”

“You were there that one night when he came home high and destroyed. I just stood there while you were the one who picked him up and helped him through it.”

“That was one night.” Blake offers gently.

“What if our child needs me one day and I fail to be there?” She whispers. “What if I’m just not good at being there for people?”

Blake feels genuinely taken aback by the question, his heart breaking at the realization that Gwen can’t see what he does.

He turns on his side, making sure she’s looking at him. His hand cups her cheek while his other one finds her stomach once more.

“You are the most emphatic, selfless person I’ve ever met.” He says determinedly, his own voice slightly cracking at the honesty of that statement. “This child is going to be covered by your love, and I can speak from experience when I say that that’s the biggest gift anyone could ever get.”

Gwen sniffles, her finger softly touching his lips as if she needs to get closer to the very thing that just spoke those words.

“I love you.”

He smiles softly, kissing her fingertip. “I love you too.”

A cheeky grin makes its way up her face and before he can ask what it means, she’s shifting him completely on his back, while gently following him down. His hands move to her hips as she hovers above him, biting her lip.

He feels her grip him through his boxers and hisses, surprised by the sudden change of events. She chuckles at his obvious hardness and teases a bit more by moving her hips and grazing his erection with each forward motion.

“Jesus Gwen.”

“You like that?” She whispers, moving her head down so she’s nearly brushing her lips against his, yet not quite.

“Shouldn’t we be resting?” He asks, and he’s frustrated with his own inability to shut off his worries, especially when his body is only in need of one thing right now and it’s _not_ rest. “You weren’t feeling well and— “

“How about….” She cuts him off, kissing him filthily and pulling back with a pop. “You fuck me and _then_ we rest?”

He grunts against her lips, officially halting his objections when she takes him out of his boxers and forces her own underwear down her legs. She rests his tip against her center, basically coating him in her wetness.

He lets her take the lead, not wanting to hurt her or be too rough. She slowly begins to push him up into her, biting her lip in utter focus as she takes his length all the way inside her.

Her hips start rocking back and forth and Blake’s hands tighten on her waist.

“You feel so good, baby.” He grunts, loving how she smiles at the encouragement.

He needs to kiss her badly and his hand reaches for the back of her head, pushing her closer to his face. He kisses her deeply, his tongue battling for dominance as she continues to be the one in charge of their movements. In an unexpected move, he brings his free hand to her backside and pushes, pulling her into him sharply.

She gasps loudly and he feels her stutter on top of him.

“Oh my God.”

Realizing it felt good to her, he goes for it again, her body arching beautifully. The intensity of the moment is highlighted by both their gasps and moans, the sound of their bodies connecting filling the room.

”Look up for me.” He manages to command of her, lowly.

Her hands move to his shoulders as she tries to sit up a bit more, her body obviously tensing.

Blake tries to continue to move through her tightness, but he’s restricted too greatly when she lets herself crash against his chest, shaking and shuddering against him as he sends her over the edge.

“Fuck, Blake.”

He kisses her again, her body still clinging to him as he continues to pump into her, chasing his own release. He closes his eyes at the waves of pleasure rolling through him, the front of his shirt sticking to his chest as Gwen has fully plastered herself against him.

He shudders and groans through his own release, holding her close and waiting for his breathing to even out again. He rubs soothing circles along her lower back, unable to move.

“I think I’m able to rest now.” Gwen whispers, her hand playing with the hairs in his neck, her body not moving an inch from where she’s laying on top of him.

Blake chuckles, wincing when he shifts her back to the matrass again, both now on their sides facing each other.

Gwen raises her brow.

“Don’t want to crush the baby or anything.”

The sound of her laughter is the most beautiful thing, her relaxed features a close second.

“I’m gonna get you a pregnancy book.” She states softly, snuggling up against him again.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Blake asks.

“It means you worry too damn much.”

Her words are nearly muffled from how close she is to his chest.

“But you love me, don’t you?”

She looks up at him and grins, pushing up to kiss him on his lips again.

“The most.”


	24. Home Was A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone in the comments informed me that Jace is actually Blake’s nephew. For the sake of this story and not having to rewrite anything, I’m going with Jace being a girl. Sorry for any confusion :P

“She’s been feeling nauseous for weeks now and it doesn’t seem to end. She ends up having to sleep most of the day away when it gets real bad.”

Blake expresses his concerns immediately, and though she’s not as worried as he is, she’s not totally against him taking the lead to start.

Being at the hospital scares her. Having a high-risk pregnancy scares her. And she’s not always able to articulate herself the way she wants to when she’s entrapped by fear.

“Do you find yourself throwing up, Gwen?” The doctor asks, directing his attention to her.

She shakes her head. “No, it just continuously feels like I’m about to.”

“How about your eating habits? Are they changing at all?”

Gwen starts to shake her head, but Blake intervenes.

“You haven’t been eating much these days.”

“Cause I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep it in.” She retorts, hating how she feels slightly attacked by his words.

The doctor nods. “It’s not uncommon to feel that way. Not eating enough can cause serious trouble though and is not something to take lightly. I would like to do another ultrasound to check on the baby. I also want you to stay here overnight so we can give you some intravenous fluids.”

Gwen eyes widen. “What?”

“It’s nothing to be overly concerned about yet.” The doctor assures her. “But it’s important to make sure both you and the baby receive all the nutrients they need.”

“What’s wrong with me?” Gwen whispers, feeling tears spring to her eyes.

Blake’s hand gently squeezes hers, causing her to close her eyes and bask in the feeling until the Doctor speaks up again.

“This extreme morning sickness is common with a lot of women, especially when they get pregnant a little later in life. I know that doesn’t feel too comforting of a fact, but it’s something we can manage if we do it right.” His soft smile causes her to relax just a little, but not enough for her worries to completely subside. “We’ll keep an eye on you tonight and I will give you some B6 supplements to help alleviate nausea when you go home again.”

"What happens if the nausea and limited eating continues?" Blake asks, squeezing her hand again.

"Worst case scenario, Gwen would suffer from dehydration which can result in a premature birth and birth defects as the child didn't get enough nutrients to grow healthily."

Gwen makes a soft whimpering sound, causing Blake to place a kiss on her hand.

"Your body is doing its best to be the healthiest, strongest home it can be for your baby." The doctor says. "There's no shame in needing a bit of help to ensure that."

Gwen's eyes continue to burn, her gaze going to her lap as she actively tries to avoid those of the two men in the room. She feels Blake quietly nudge her, but she can't get herself to look up.

Being a mom has always been the ultimate goal, her life's purpose, but now she's feeling like she might not be good at it. If she can't even assure the safety and health of her baby while still _inside_ of her, how in the world is she going to ensure it when her child is here?

"I will get a nurse in here to bring you to our overnight rooms and insert the IV." The doctor speaks pointedly, yet sweetly. "We'll take good care of you here."

Blake and the doctor exchange a few more words until they're left alone and Blake's actively lifting her face up.

"Baby, I need you to look at me."

Her chin trembles as she holds his gaze.

"What if I lose the baby?" She croaks out. "What if I can't do this?"

"Gwen you need to stop blaming yourself for things you can't control." Blake says softly, a flash of obvious hurt painting his features at the thought of something happening to their baby. "You're not gonna lose anyone or anything. It's going to be okay, we just need to accept the help from the Doc."

"I don't want to stay here tonight." She whispers, holding his hand. "Hospitals scare me."

Blake nods. "I understand. But I'm gonna be here every step of the way, every second of the night. I promise."

She nods, knowing she really doesn't have a choice. She would never intentionally do anything that could harm this baby and she knows staying here tonight is the safest thing for them both.

"Miss Stefani?" A friendly female voice interrupts their moment, hovering in the doorway. "Are you ready to follow me to the maternity ward?"

Gwen swallows roughly, nodding as she lets Blake guide her towards the woman by hand. She feels nearly childlike herself, the way she's clinging to Blake out of fear. The hallways are long and sterile, reminding her of her surroundings.

"Due to your line of work, we're going to a private unit." The woman explains, smiling gently at her. "Here you'll have complete privacy and you'll have absolutely nothing to worry about or focus on other than your health and that of your baby."

"Thank you." Gwen manages to get out hoarsely.

The room she's lead into is large and white, and she never knew a color could feel so damn suffocating. There are two beds rolled into the space, but Gwen's already sure about asking Blake to come lay in hers for the night. She's asked to undress from the waist up immediately and before she knows it, the nurse is setting up the ultrasound device and applying the gel to her stomach.

"Ready, mom and dad?" The woman asks with a smile, causing some of Gwen's nerves to momentarily get replaced with excitement. They both nod as the woman moves the transducer across her belly, everyone's gaze on the monitor next to them.

"Today we're just gonna check on the development of your baby and every so often I'll pause the frame so we can discuss what we're seeing on the 2-dimensional image. I'm telling you this so you don't immediately think the worst when I take some time to inspect the frame." The nurse explains. "How are you feeling, Gwen?"

"Nervous." She shudders out a breath, keeping her eyes trained on the monitor. " _Excited_."

"Oh my god." Blake exclaims softly at the image on the monitor becoming clear, the baby now having taken shape and appearing solidly on the frame.

The nurse smiles. "It's almost surreal to see, right?"

Gwen nods, feeling her eyes well up again.

"The heartbeat is strong, just like every other time we've checked." The nurse reassures with a gentle curve of her lips. "The baby's physicality's seem healthy too, no obvious defects or concerns there. I'm gonna still the frame here so we can take a further look into the heart and kidney details."

Gwen tries to keep up, but all she can do is stare at their little baby on the screen, only 20 weeks away from meeting them if all goes well.

"Do you..." The nurse cuts herself off, before stilling the frame again, the transducer no longer moving against her stomach. "Are you guys interested in knowing the sex of the baby?"

Gwen's eyes widen, the question not expected though it makes sense. She looks at Blake who has an equally bewildered look on his face.

"Uhm, yeah, I mean... _Blake_?" Gwen stammers her way through a response, hoping Blake feels the same way she does.

When he nods and squeezes her hand excitedly, she knows that he does.

Gwen nods. "We'd like to know."

"You're growing a healthy little boy in there." The nurse smiles, pointing at something on the screen. "It's hard to miss when you know where to look."

Her heart is skipping multiple beats, her vision blurry through her tears.

"A boy...." She whispers, sniffing.

"We're having a boy." Blake smiles, his eyes not leaving the monitor.

"I will leave you guys alone for a second." The nurse speaks sweetly, getting ready to gather everything up again, cleaning Gwen's stomach with a tissue. "You can dim the lights with the device next to your bed if you want to relax and one of my colleagues will be coming by in a little bit with some food and the IV."

They both nod, too busy with the news they were just informed of to care about anything else. Gwen can't stop squeezing Blake's hand and she doesn't know if it's because she's finding it hard to process all her dreams are coming true, or if she's scared a dream is exactly what this is and Blake's touch is the only thing that proves to her that this is in fact real.

"I love you so much, Gwen." Blake speaks suddenly, turning his head to her. "You and him--nothing has ever made me feel more alive than the knowledge I'll love you guys forever."

* * *

Her head shifts against his chest, his arm around her making her even more eager to snuggle up closer. She stares at bare flesh from where his shirt is completely unbuttoned.

She loves when he offers himself up to her in that way, as they both know she's never able to _not_ touch.

Here in the hospital bed, without a spare set of clothes, Blake decided to just unbutton the flannel, somehow feeling better about not going completely shirtless, which she can't understand and many nights doesn't appreciate. This works though, her cheek is pressed against naked skin, his heartbeat soothing in her ear.

 _Unguarded_.

That's how she'd describe Blake in this moment. It's what she loves about this version of him, holding her in the small bed, feeling completely protected by his large arm draped across her side.

Her protruding belly doesn't always make it easy for her to find a comfortable position to lay in bed in, but this one is perfect.

Blake’s eyes are half-closed, head tipped back to look up at the ceiling, which puts his face in profile. Gwen’s stuck staring at him when she suddenly hears him chuckle.

“Quit staring.”

Gwen ducks her head, pressing it against his stomach, her hand still touching his bare chest as she shoved the fabric out of the way.

“I know we’re in the hospital and it’s scary, but is it weird that I also feel really happy right now?” She whispers, tentatively looking up at him again.

He opens his eyes completely, smiling down at her.

“I want you to be happy, Gwen. No matter where we are.”

She places a soft kiss on his chest.

“A little boy….” She murmurs, giggling. “…. He’s going to know how to catch a fish before he even knows how to pronounce the word, isn’t he?”

“Wouldn’t even have mattered if we’re having a boy or girl.” Blake chuckles. “That would’ve been the case either way.”

Gwen smiles. “ _Great_.”

“I promise I won’t raise him too hillbilly.”

She perks her head up, her hand sliding up to his jaw.

“Half hillbilly, half metropolitan?”

He leans down to kiss her briefly.

“Sounds about right to me.”

She bites her lip, the realization she’s having a child with this man hitting her at various moments—but right now might be the hardest it’s ever hit her.

“It sounds perfect to me.” She whispers, eyes welling up. “This child is going to be so lucky to have you, Blake. We both are.”

He shifts in the small bed, and she realizes how uncomfortable he must be after forcing him to lay with her instead of staying in his own rolled-in mattress. It didn’t take him much convincing though, as she had him laying next to her the minute the IV treatment had ended.  
  
“Right before your parents came by yesterday, I had this flashback to the past, back to when I was still…. a mess.”

His voice drops at least an octave as he starts to slowly get his thoughts together, his hand moving to her hip to keep her close.

“And I was taking care of Jace, my niece….” He looks at her softly and after receiving her encouraging nod to go on, he continues. “I had gotten drunk and high the night before she came and forgot to take the trash out. I was taking a phone call while Jace was colouring in the living room and I guess she got hungry and tried to make herself something to eat in the kitchen.”

His body tenses and she knows that whatever’s coming next weighs heavy on his heart. She squeezes his arm in support, not knowing what else to do, or what else he needs from her in this moment.

“She couldn’t reach the cabinets though and ended up knocking an empty bottle of whiskey off the counter.” Blake chuckles bitterly, shaking his head. “It fell on her hand before it hit the ground and shattered and that might be one of the biggest metaphors if I’ve ever known one.”

Gwen’s brow raises at that, her hand stilling on his arm.

“Just like me, I would always hurt someone before I hit the ground and shattered.” He closes his eyes, Gwen’s heart beating faster at the sight of him revisiting such a painful memory and feeling the guilt of it like it’s new. “She didn’t hurt herself badly, but it could’ve been way worse. The next day, she had this tiny bruise around her finger that indicated something happened, so I figured I should just be honest about it to her mom.”

Gwen nods softly.

“How did she take it?” She asks carefully.

Blake grimaces. “As bad as you can imagine. It wasn’t necessarily about the empty bottle itself, it was about _why_ I forgot to take it out in the first place. She knew I got high, she knew I was coming down badly and didn’t have the energy to take the trash out. She knew I was selfish enough to not truly care about it either, until it was almost too late.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I didn’t want you to worry even more, I knew you were already pretty tense about your parents coming.” He responds.

“Why didn’t you tell me another time?”

He sighs deeply, connecting their gazes again.

“Gwen, we’re about to have a child together.” He says, opening his mouth to close it again. “My sister still doesn’t want to see me and as a result I haven’t seen Jace in nearly two years. I didn’t know how to tell you that without making you feel even worse about your reality.”

Gwen gasps softly.

“Even worse about my _reality_?” She shakes her head, shifting to sit up against the large pillow. Blake immediately looks alarmed, but she presses her hand firmly against his chest to keep him from sitting up as well. Her hand cups his cheek, a few tears collecting in her eyes again. “Blake, I feel so very lucky to have you be the father of this child, God…. I literally prayed for you.”

“Everyone did at some point.” Blake chuckles self-deprecatingly.

She shakes her head. “Not in that way. I prayed I would find someone who’d love me for me, I prayed I would find someone who’d make me happy, who’d make me believe in love so strong it could conquer anything—and then _you_ came around. I prayed to find someone I could start a family with, someone I could love forever and I found you, Blake. I prayed for you ever since I was little girl and here you are. So…. if this is a bad reality, at least it’s one that I wished for.”

Blake sits up then, easily fighting against the light pressure of her hand. He shifts to face her, his hands cupping both her cheeks.

“How are you feeling?” He asks suddenly, surprising her. Her features must give her confusion away because he chuckles before elaborating. “Physically, I mean.”

She shakes her head, still surprised.

“Uhm, good I guess…I’m not nauseous anymore.”

“Good.” Blake responds, kissing her lips softly before pulling away. “Because I’m about to lay you down now and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Her eyes widen, her hands gripping onto his shoulders.

“Blake, we can’t have sex. We’re literally in a _hospital_.”

He chuckles again, shifting her so she’s laying on her back, his large frame on his side next to her. He lets his finger trail down her cheek, over the curve of her lip.

“We’re not having sex.” He murmurs, kissing her cheek and jawline. When he finally has enough of torturing her with confusion, he nips at her earlobe. “Luckily I have more than just one trick up my sleeve, baby girl.”

* * *

She doesn’t try to let it show, but ever since they landed in Oklahoma, her mood has been sour.

It has nothing to do with the place; she loves it here and she’s glad to be back at Blake’s hometown, but she feels terrible and her body hurts. The weather had immediately slapped her in the face and the cold made her even more uncomfortable.

Blake had taken notice of that at least, because before they even entered his truck, he had grabbed his jacket from the backseat and draped it over her.

It were the little gestures like that, that could still render her speechless.

When they finally pull up at Blake’s ranch, it’s a little past 1 pm. They hadn’t made any stops on the way and Gwen’s stomach was grumbling at this point. Blake motioned for her to get away from the car when he saw she was about to lift her own bags inside, and she couldn’t help but snort at him.

“You gotta let me do _something_.”

“I am.” He says simply, slinging the bag over his shoulder. “I’m letting you walk. Inside the house. Right now.”

She rolls her eyes, but knows it’s futile to fight him on it. His chivalry has always been through the roof, but ever since finding out she was pregnant, he kicked that in even higher gears.

She makes fun of him for it, but truthfully, it’s incredibly touching and unfamiliar. A reality she could get used to, it’s just gonna need a bit of time.

“I’ll start on some lunch.” He says as he walks up behind her, their luggage being dragged with him. He kisses the top of her head before passing her and Gwen’s quietly disappointed with the moment of affection ending so soon.

“Thank you.” She replies, looking around the ranch house, feeling more at ease than she did the first time she came here, the place already feeling like home. “Do you mind if I go change into something a bit more comfortable? I need these pants off as quick as possible.”

Blake turns to smile at her. “When have I _ever_ had any objections about you taking any piece of clothing off?”

Gwen rolls her eyes, but can’t help but giggle.

She’s been feeling much less desirable these days, her stomach causing none of her shirts to fit well anymore and most days she’s been lounging around in sweats whenever Blake was around. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to put any effort into her looks anymore, but Blake seemed to genuinely love her toned down look too. The way he’s looking at her now, in a legging that’s just a tad too tight and oversized band shirt, you’d think she was wearing one of Givenchy’s best creations.

“I can take some of these bags upstairs with me.” She says, knowing what’s coming next and basically just waiting for his rebuttal.

It comes, only a little less forceful.

“I’ll bring them up. I have something to show you upstairs anyway.”

Her brow raises. “Really? What?”

He chuckles. “It’s a surprise.”

Blake picks up the few bags at the bottom of the stairs before gesturing with his hand for her to go first. She walks up the stairs with just a bit more energy than she thought she could muster, Blake’s sudden mysterious surprise filling her with a bit more excitement.

“The room next to the guest room.” Blake says. “First door on your right.”

Her confusion grows even more, her steps a little more tentative but her heart just as excited. She hears the soft thud of Blake setting down their luggage in the hallway, following close behind her.

She opens the door, unsure of what she’ll find on the other side.

Gwen’s breath hitches at the sight, her hand subconsciously placing over her heart.

Where she imagined an ordinary room with a dresser, maybe a bedside table with a wooden lamp on it, she finds the opposite.

The sun shining through the window gives the room an even warmer and more relaxing ambiance, the baby blue wallpaper giving the rest of the room an inviting glow. The wooden crib seems like it’s been scrubbed off all it’s rough edges and the brown teddy that hangs above the small bed matches perfectly.

“You like it?” Blake soft voice speaks from behind her, carefully stepping closer but letting her take it all in and process it on her own.

Gwen can’t speak yet, her gaze is fixated on the beautiful nursery as it looks even better than she ever dared to dream of. It also shows her something even more important—Blake’s dedication. They had just found out they were having a little boy, and all her fears of Blake not being ready or maybe not being all in, are all being erased in a single second as her eyes take in the sight in front of her.

“It’s…. _beautiful_.” She whispers, swallowing down the lump in her throat.

Her eyes fixate on the changing table in the back, which she can tell was the last thing to be installed as one of the instruction manuals is still laying on top of it.

She had been so busy with keeping herself healthy and energized for their baby, she didn’t even have time to finish up the nursery in her own home. The fact that Blake got busy with it without informing her about it, taking this task on himself and making sure it would be ready when the baby came, suddenly hits her hard.

Every doubt, every moment of uncertainty is being gently washed away and it crashes over her like a tidal wave. Her hand begins to shake, a giveaway sign that she’s becoming emotional. It doesn’t help that her hormones are all over the place as Blake can attest to after watching her fall apart over a cooking show the other day. But it doesn’t take away from the magnitude of this realization, this labour of love that she knows the instalment of this room was for Blake.

“It’s not completely finished yet.” Blake states softly, now standing next to her as he looks into the nursery alongside her. “I started on this room way before we even knew we were having a boy, so I had to wait a little while for the decorations. I still want to add some art and obviously, a nursing chair.”

“That sounds good…”

“I asked around a bit, even did some research on the internet and did you know it’s actually really important which colours you choose and certain decorations that you can’t miss?” Blake continues, wandering off in his own thoughts. “Something about it improving the baby’s psychological growth as warm colours will represent comfort and stability. There’s a whole science behind it, Gwen. Isn’t that crazy?”

The absolute awe and adoration in his voice is enough to shatter the last of Gwen’s control and before she knows it, she’s sobbing loudly.

Blake’s eyes widen, his arm immediately reaching out for her. “Baby, what’s wrong? Did I say something?”

She shakes her head, but words die on her tongue.

She covers her face with her hands, her body shaking with the force of her cries. She feels Blake’s arms embrace her fully, but she can’t look at him, just pushes her head in his chest as she continues to sob. He lets her, he doesn’t even try to shush her, the only active motions he makes are the soft circles his fingers are rubbing in her hair. It’s perfectly enough though.

She allows her arms to wrap around his waist in response, sniffling against his t-shirt. She’s not sad, but she isn’t fully crying tears of happiness either. It’s something in between, something more real than that. It’s love, it’s heartbreak, it’s surprise, it’s _gratitude_.

It’s the gratitude she feels for her changed life and finally understanding why God made her wait so long for this moment to begin with. She never would’ve had this moment, this type of care if she had a baby with anyone else but Blake.

She had to wait to find him for certain things to finally start falling into place. She had to almost lose Blake to realize it was him she wanted all this with. It took loss and fear and pain to get to where she is right now, but she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

All of that comes pouring out of her now, and she’s helpless to stop it.

“I love you so much.” She eventually croaks out against him, still crying and praying he can make out her nearly inaudible words. “This room is so perfect and I just can’t believe you did all this and didn’t tell me. And I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m sorry I didn’t come to Oklahoma again with you sooner.”

“Baby, you don’t have to apologize for _any_ of that.” He responds, but she shakes her head in response, looking up at him through her red and puffy eyes.

“You’re so good and you don’t even know it.” She whispers, her hand reaching out for his jaw, tentative fingers trailing down his skin.

“I was scared you wouldn’t like it.” He admits, the shy smile on his face making Gwen want to kiss it off him immediately, but she refrains.

“Why?”

He shrugs. “Dunno. It’s not like I have any experience with this. I thought maybe you would want to be the one to design it.”

“I love that you did this yourself.” She says, wiping at the moisture underneath her eyes. “It makes it even more special. All I ever wanted in life was this.”

Blake smiles softly. “All I ever wanted in life was _this_.”

He nudges her softly in his arms and she realizes he’s telling her he wants her and the baby, nothing else.

“You must think I’m crazy.” Gwen starts chuckling suddenly. “I’ve literally been crying every second of every day.”

“You’re giving yourself too much credit.” He says. “You’ve been crying every minute, not every second.”

Her cheeks flush red as she buries her head in his chest again, causing him to chuckle lowly in his throat.

“I know I’ve been a mess.”

He lifts her head by pushing her chin up with fingers, staring down at her.

“You have been amazing.” He retorts. “You’ve been growing life inside you. You’re literally a walking miracle right now.”

Gwen bites her lip. “I’m gonna miss you being this in awe of me when the little one gets here.”

“I’ll never stop being in awe of you.” He challenges, kissing her softly. “I think my admiration for you can only grow.”

He pulls away with the intention of giving her some space, but it’s the last thing she wants. She pushes at the back of his head with her hand, crashing their lips together again.

The kiss is more passionate this time, deeper, and she moans into his mouth when his tongue touches hers. The times they’ve been intimate have significantly been less since she got pregnant; when it wasn’t about them taking it slow, it had to do with her feeling nauseous most of the time and feeling physically a little out of it.

But she missed him greatly, especially considering how wildly affectionate and sexual they were in the beginning of their relationship.

She intensifies their kiss, causing Blake to moan softly against her lips. His hands spread over her ass, pulling her impossibly closer. One hand moves up, finding its way under the fabric of her shirt, while the other flirts with the waistband of her leggings, dipping beneath and quickly discovering the thin strip of underwear.

There’s a brief moment of insecurity that takes over her brain, as she knows she hasn’t been wearing the most fashionable clothes lately and her stomach is protruding in a way that’s no longer disguisable and—

“Gwen.” Blake interrupts her train of thoughts, his hand cupping the side of her face. “I need you out of these clothes _now_ before I lose my freakin’ mind.”

The desperation and lust in his voice surprises her—in the best way—as she quickly throws out every useless thought in her brain and tugs at his waist.

She bites her lip as she starts walking backwards, forcing him to follow her. She leads them out of the nursery and into Blake’s bedroom, sauntering over to the other side of the room as she pulls her shirt over her head.

Blake’s eyes darken as he takes her in, but he doesn’t stride over to her just yet. His back is leaning against his door, watching her.

“What do you want?” She asks him, anticipation building inside her.

“Take it off.”

Her hands slowly slide to her back, finding her bra claps and tugging it off in one smooth motion, the fabric landing at the foot of his bed.

With the top of her body completely bare to him, she finds herself feeling sexy instead of insecure, which is a welcomed change.

“Pants too.” Blake drawls authoritatively, though she can hear the plea in his words.

“You have to come help me if that’s what you want.” She teases, letting her arms rest at her sides to show him she’s not about to give him more.

He’s gonna need to come over here and make it happen himself.

His hands are on her in an instant; carefully hoisting her off the ground as she wraps her legs around him instinctively. She giggles when he walks them over to his bed, lowering her onto it gently before using his arms to hover above her.

One of his hands starts to tug at her waistband, until the fabric starts to slowly slide down her hips. He takes her underwear right with it, but she doesn’t care about tact in this moment, she just wants her clothes off quickly. Blake seems to think the same, disregarding the items of clothing blindly onto the floor, before kissing her roughly.

As she’s writhing naked underneath him, she understands he now has the upper hand as he’s still fully dressed.

“Blakey.” She whines. “Please.”

He chuckles, but his quest for dominance is short lived as he gives into her request immediately. He unzips his jeans and manages to get them off without fully leaving her body. He does however sit up for a few seconds as he pulls his shirt over his head and makes his way over her in nothing but his boxers.

She bites her lip at the way he’s tenting and she uses her arms to get his head closer to hers. “Baby, I need you to hurry up and fuck me.”

“Shit baby, I wanna be careful— “

“You’re not going to hurt me.” She whispers, bucking up at him. She knows he’s worried about being too rough with her, especially now, but she can’t even begin to convey to him how much she needs his unfiltered passion in this moment.

She’s about to give him even more incentive when her words suddenly die on her tongue, his long finger swirling around her center as her head falls back on his pillow.

“Let me do this first.” He murmurs lowly, groaning against her cheek.

Two fingers slide inside of her then and she can’t bite back the whimper that escapes her throat.

“ _Yeah_.” She agrees vaguely, pretty sure he could get her to say anything in this moment.

His lips trail across her collarbone, down to the curve of her breast. He knows what he’s doing as they’ve become ten times more sensitive and she wraps her arms around his neck while holding him close and opening herself up for him. He keeps working her with his fingers, the heel of his hand pressing against her clit with each stroke. When his lips close over her nipple, a shudder wracks her entire body.

“Oh my God, baby, _yes_.” She whimpers, gasping loudly before he gets her over the edge.

She doesn’t give herself any time to come down, her hand sliding between their bodies as she pushes his boxers down and grabs him in hand. He hisses at the hold she has on him, but continues to stare down at her with hungry eyes.

She strokes his tip along her core, coating him in her wetness before she pauses with him at her entrance. It’s both a tease and a moment of intimacy she’s grown so attached to—it’s never been like this with anyone else and she can’t get herself to deprive them from the living in the brief realization each time they do this together.

When he presses into her, he makes sure to hold her gaze, all the way until their hips are flushed together. She whimpers at the feel of him so hot and solid inside her, as he gives her a moment to adjust.

“Please move.” She croaks out, eyes closing briefly.

He moves out of her fully before slamming back in, repeating the motion a few times, so torturously slow she thinks she might cry.

His thrusts intensify in a rapid pace and her eyes go wide as the hunger returns in his. She captures his lips with her own in a kiss that’s hot and sloppy, his hips working hard to get them both near and over the edge again.

“ _Christ_.” Blake curses, looking down at where they’re joined and groaning loudly.

She knows she’s going to be sore later, but she can’t bring herself to care when he’s devouring her lips and thrusting into her in a rhythm that’s worthy of an award.

She whispers things against his lips, into his ear, all around him as she shatters and plummets again. Breaking in the most harmonious of ways. Confident he’ll put her back together each time.

Her lungs were burning, her legs sore, but Blake hadn’t come yet and she was desperate to feel it happen. Her hand presses against the back of his neck, catching his moans and groans against her lips, waiting for the inevitable moment he’ll come undone.

It’s two more thrusts before he moans into her mouth, holding her tightly as his chest rises and falls with his laboured breaths.

He carefully pushes himself off her, lying next to her as they both regain their bearings.

“As soon as I can move again….” She starts softly, exhaling loudly. “I think we should go for round two.”

Blake chuckles. “Don’t make any promises you can’t keep.”

Gwen groans in response.

“Hey, babe?”

Blake hums, and the sound of it tells her he already knows what’s coming—and it won’t be _them_.

“I am kinda hungry.”

Blake’s loud laugh makes her almost want to take her words back, but she can’t help but crack a smile herself. She can feel the bed dip slightly from where Blake pulls himself up into a sitting position, finding his shirt before sliding it on again.

“Well sweetheart….” He winks. “….as soon as you can _move_ again, come find me in the kitchen and I’ll have a perfectly suitable lunch ready for ya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m giving you a chapter of cuteness before shit hits the fan again 😘


	25. Like A Piece Of Drift Wood

“It’s so good to see you two again.” His mother smiles, immediately taking Gwen's coat off her hands and over her own arm. “Come in, sit down. I’ve made you guys some tea to start.”

Blake chuckles, bringing his arm around her back while ushering her to the couch. 

He brings his mouth to her ear before softly whispering. “Told you she couldn’t wait.”

Gwen smiles. “I love her excitement.” Her face drops momentarily, looking around to see his mom still in the kitchen. She sighs. “I wish my parents treated you the same way.”

Blake puts a hand on her shoulder, halting her from sitting down right away.

He turns her to look at him, both hands sliding to her lower back as he presses her against him.

“None of that okay?” He pecks her lips briefly, before pulling back. “No more stressing about that. I’m fine and your parents will come around eventually. Just give them time.”

“What if they don’t?” She whispers, staring deeply into his eyes. “Come around, I mean?”

Blake smiles smugly. “My Southern charm wins everyone over.”

“I’m serious.”

He laughs. “If they don’t, we’ll figure it out. No matter what, I’m gonna be here taking care of you and our little boy. I promise you that.”

She lets her hand graze the stubble on his jaw, affectionately.

“I know you will be.”

“See, this is a sight I haven’t seen often enough with this one.” Dot speaks suddenly, coming up behind them with two glasses of tea. “You love him, Gwen. And you’re not afraid to show it. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for my Blakey.”

“Mom.” Blake chuckles, flushed.

“What? Can a mother not express her gratitude for her son’s lover?”

Blake’s eyes widen before he sits down. _“Jesus Christ.”_

Gwen laughs. “I’m very grateful for your son, you raised a really great man.”

She sits down next to Blake, squeezing his arm.

Dot sits across from them, biting her lip. “He is a really good man, but I’m glad you gave him some time to show that to you. I know him and I know that he didn’t make it easy.”

It’s as if Blake’s addiction has caused every person around him to drop the curtains, exposing every little detail of their lives. And Gwen gets it, in a lot of ways she’s done the same. Living with an addict brings so much shame and secrets with it, even when you don’t want to have any of it. The only way to deal with it, the only way to make sure the person in question deals with it, is to lay all your cards out on the table and show every emotion, no matter how ugly. Share every truth no matter how difficult. Because hiding it means chasing unobtainable expectations. And the easiest way to deal with the disappointments of that is by chasing a high.

“He made it worth it.” Gwen responds honestly.

Dot smiles. “You two will raise the most thoughtful child. That boy or girl will be the luckiest child on the planet to be receiving all that love.”

Gwen shares a soft look with Blake, quietly deciding this is the right time. 

“Mom, we have something to tell you.” 

Gwen bites her lip, the excitement too much to contain.

“We’re having a baby boy.” She exclaims finally, her hand subconsciously laying across her bump. “You’re becoming a grandma to an actual mini Blake.”

Dot nearly jumps through the roof, her short frame shooting up from the lounger, her hand in front of her mouth.

“Oh my God!”

Blake chuckles. “I guess we know now what your preference has been all along.”

“A _boy_!” His mom cries, shaking her head. “I don’t know why, but I always pictured you being a father to a little boy first. And Gwen.... you’ll be the most amazing mother.”

“Wait, did you say first?” Blake pipes up, still smiling.

“Well of course!” Dot explains excitedly. “Don’t mind me, but I think there are at least two or three more kids in your future.”

Blake snorts before looking at Gwen. “As she so eloquently prefaced— don’t mind her and _please_ don’t let her scare you.”

“What? No!” Dot looks almost terrified and if she didn’t feel bad for the woman, she would’ve laughed.

“Stop teasing your mom.” Gwen says, slapping his arm playfully. “You’re not scaring me, Dot. Actually, I want to thank you for being so warm and inviting to me from the start. It really means the world to me. It’s nice to know the little one will be born into such a loving family.”

Dot’s warm smile just proves her point, though the doorbell ringing causes it to disappear off her face too soon. 

The older woman winces. “Okay, I think it’s time for _me_ to tell you guys something now.”

Blake tenses next to her. “Mom...”

“I might’ve invited some people who I think you need to see and I didn’t see any other way to do it.”

Blake shakes his head, watching his mother try to find the words.

“Your sister and Mike.” She says softly, causing Blake to stand up immediately.

“You didn’t—-“

“—Blake, I _had_ to.” She cuts him off, walking towards the hallway. 

“You can’t be serious.” He gasps, turning to look at Gwen, who’s still sitting on the couch. “She can’t be fucking serious.”

She can tell he’s starting to panic and Blake and panic are two things that don’t go well together at all. 

She stands up quickly, her hand grabbing a hold of his arm. “Listen to me, it’s going to be fine. This could be a good thing.”

“I haven’t seen her in over a _year_.” He hisses. “She avoids me at all costs. She’s furious with me.”

“Maybe it can get resolved today.” Gwen adds softly, hoping her own internal panic is not visible on her face.

Endy’s voice is what tenses Blake up again, his features hardening as a defence mechanism as he turns to face her and his mom.

“Oh _hell_ no.”

“Endy.” His mom warns her, sighing. “I know I should’ve told you guys, but this is important. I love you both dearly and it’s time you buried the hatchet, don’t you think?”

“Baby, why don’t we sit down for a second?” The man next to her tries gently and Gwen identifies him as Mike, Endy’s husband.

His sister shakes her head. “Did you put her up to this?”

It takes Gwen a while to register she’s talking to Blake, the brief shudder of breath coming from him gutting her. She knows he’s struggling. 

“Yeah, I really would’ve picked _this_ moment with my pregnant girlfriend right here, to get myself ripped a new one.”

Endy’s gaze moves to Gwen, her features softening just a tad.

“It’s nice to meet you, Gwen.” She forces out, not making a move to come closer or shake her hand. “I’m sorry about this, I really am. I didn’t mean for you to get sucked into this, I never would’ve came if my mom told me what we were _really_ doing here.”

“That’s exactly the point though, sweetheart.” Dot intervenes. “You can’t stay mad at him forever. He’s family.”

“That’s exactly what I used to tell myself whenever I would give him another chance after fucking up. It’s what I tried telling myself after he send you flying down a set of stairs.” She spits angrily, the words obviously hurting Blake. “But I have to draw a line somewhere.” She looks at her brother then, features full of hurt and anger. “You put my kid in harm’s way. After everything you already put us through, you had to cross that one line too.”

“It was an accident.” Blake exhales, shaking his head. “I would never intentionally put her in danger.”

“Right.” His sister concedes. “Well Blake, all that means is that you’re a screw up, cause you obviously _did_.”

“Endy...” Mike scolds her softly, putting a hand over her arm, an action Gwen mirrors with Blake.

“No, I’m done trying to protect his feelings.”

“Protect my feelings?” Blake retorts, his voice low and angry. “When have you _ever_ protected my feelings? All you’ve ever done is judge.”

Endy’s face falls. “Are you kidding me? How about every time you came home so high you didn’t even know you tore the whole bathroom up in one of your _tantrums_ and it was me trying to make you feel less guilty about that? Or do you maybe need me to remind you of the time you fucking punched my husband and I was the one telling you he’d forgive you?”

“I made mistakes, we already know that— “

“No, you didn’t make mistakes. You broke things.” Endy interrupts him. “You broke this family and my God, I hope you won’t break anything with this child.”

Gwen’s too shocked to foresee his next move, his arm tugging out of her grasp as he walks forward.

“What did you just say to me?”

“You clearly didn’t care enough about _my_ kid to ensure her safety, so I just hope you can find it within yourself to care enough for your own.”

“Stop it!” Dot says, tears welling in her eyes, but it’s not enough for Blake and Endy to stop staring each other down from a now intimidatingly close proximity.

“It was a goddamn accident.” Blake says loudly, ignoring his mother’s interference. “I turned my life around and I would never ever hurt Jace.”

“You already did!”

“And what about you?” He shoots back. “You just decided that was gonna be the last time I’d see her and you don’t think that hurt her? You keep her from her uncle, because what? You’re too selfish to get over your own issues so your kid can have a healthy relationship with me? _Some mom_...”

The slap to his face rings loudly in the air, Gwen’s gasp the first thing to be heard afterwards. Blake doesn’t even flinch, just stares right at her as she slaps him again. 

Gwen’s by his side instantly, while Mike gets in between Blake and his wife. 

“Outside.” He orders Endy. “Now.”

Gwen’s hand finds Blake’s chest, trying to get his attention, but he appears stuck on watching Endy and Mike head for the hallway. 

His chest is heaving and his cheek is red from his sister’s assault. 

“Blake, talk to me.” She whispers pleadingly, her hand stilling against his heart. 

He turns to look at his mother, a mortified look lingering on her features, as well as a few tears collecting in her eyes.

“You shouldn’t have done this with Gwen here.” He says simply, his jaw locked with tension but not much else emotion coming off him right now. 

“I’m so sorry.” Dot cries, holding her heart. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I thought it could bring you two closer.”

He bites his lip. “This wasn’t the time.”

“Blake, your mom meant well.”

Blake glares at her, lips parting to say something but he swallows his words. 

“I need some damn air.”

When he turns around and heads for the back entrance, Gwen can see his mom’s face crumbling once more. From one mother to another, Gwen can’t let it go.

She reaches out for the older woman, squeezing her arm.

“I’ll talk to him.” She promises, smiling sadly. “Blake has been the reason a lot of _my_ family was able to mend things; let me try to do the same for him now.”

She’s momentarily stunned when Dot throws her arms around her, hugging her tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Gwen. He’s right, this was a horrible timing. This was supposed to be your day, you shared this amazing news with me and I ruined it.”

Gwen shakes her head, her arms wrapping around his mother tightly. 

“You tried to heal something that you saw was broken.” She whispers, swallowing down the lump in her throat. “If anything, that’s something I hope we pass on to the little one when he gets here.”

Dot pulls away finally, wiping her face with her hands while the other one holds Gwen’s.

“You’re one of the good ones...” She expresses softly, squeezing her fingers. “It’s good to know that no matter what happens, he’s got you. _Thank you._

* * *

She watches him sit with his back to her, his gaze lingering off far in the distance and his body sitting on a large piece of deadwood. 

The wind is nearly enough to hit her in the face, but nothing hits as hard as the painful realization of what’s she sees radiating off Blake right this second.

She watches as he tries to come to terms with the walls once again closing in on him— his own nail marks the only things he sees on the walls he can’t escape. She knows what it feels like to be so close yet feel a million miles away, but she might not know how to reach him again. She knows that every time he allows someone to reach for him, the floor sinks a little lower, crushing him with a new pain, another disappointment. Perhaps now is the time to realize she’s not supposed to reach for him, she’s solely supposed to symbolize a stable ground for him to stand on, so he can find the strength and confidence to reach for _her_ again. So when she goes to sit next to him on the piece of wood, she doesn’t speak. She just sits and lets him know without words that his nail marks aren’t the only ones on the wall— they’re hers too. Because wherever he is, she’ll follow and whenever he struggles, she’ll be there to try and help him get through it. 

“She might be right.” He says softly, not looking at her yet. “About what she said in there— she might be right.”

Gwen takes a while to answer, exhaling loudly.

“She said a lot in there so you might have to specify.”

“I might mess up. I might not be what you want me to be as a man, as a father. I need to know that _you_ know that.”

“If you’re trying to warn me in advance cause you think you might spare me some disappointment, it’s not gonna work. You can’t tell me you won’t be good for this child just because you’re scared and triggered by the words of your sister. That’s not what he deserves and it’s cowardly. If there’s one thing you’re not, it’s a coward.”

“Gwen.”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on in your head right now instead of trying to convince yourself that your sister is right.”

She watches him close his eyes, the loud and broken breath pushing past his lips making her wince.

“I will always live in the past as long as the ones around me can’t start seeing me in the present.” He says softly, opening his eyes and finally looking at her. “I know I messed up majorly in the past, but I also know I’ve changed. I’m just constantly trying to figure out which one weighs more.”

Gwen’s hand softly reaches out for his chin, gripping him gently between her fingers.

“Blake, baby….” She sighs, her heart swelling at the way Blake leans into her touch, his eyes and posture completely defeated-looking. “Please don’t let her do this to you. I know it’s a lot to ask and maybe it’s impossible, but…. you’ve come so far and you’re doing so good. It doesn’t matter that you struggle Blake, we all do in some ways. It matters how you fight it, it matters _why_ you fight it.”

“What if no one can see it?” He asks quietly, eyes still focused on her from where he’s leaning against her palm.

“I see it.” She responds without missing a beat, her thumb gently swiping against his jaw. “You’ve been sober for 3 months, completely sober. You already are the best father to this baby I could’ve ever asked for. I don’t care about your past, as long as you promise me your future.”

“What if I can’t?”

She sighs brokenly, smiling before briefly pecking his lips.

“Then I want you to promise me you will try.”

His eyes close for a few moments as he nods, shifting his head so he can place a soft kiss on the inside of her hand.

“I’m sorry about all of this.” He says softly, wincing visibly. “I can’t believe my mom thought _now_ was a good time to do this. Hell, she knows you’re having a tough pregnancy and stress is literally the _last_ thing you need….”

“She obviously didn’t intend for this to happen.”

Blake shakes his head. “But it did. Shit hit the fan and she could’ve seen it coming. She didn’t even just ruin things for us, she ruined them for herself too. I bet she’s a mess right now.”

“Mike and Endy are inside with your mom and from what I’ve heard, your brother in law is quite good in diffusing the tension. I already saw your mom cracking a small smile as I was leaving to go find you.” Gwen shares sweetly.

“It’s still wrong.” Blake says.

“She knew her son was coming over, who desperately deserves another chance. She saw an opportunity and took it….” Gwen smiles. “Can we really blame her for doing that?”

“Yes.” Blake responds, lifting his head to be on an even level with her. “Baby, there are things more important than getting my fucking sister to like me again.”

“I’m guessing this was the worst moment to intrude on y’alls little moment.” Endy’s voice suddenly shocks them both, Blake’s head immediately turning to look at the woman walking up behind him.

Blake groans, and Gwen’s quick to place a hand on his knee to try and calm him down some.

“Well, this might come as a shock to you but I actually care more about the health of our baby then I do about your hissy fit.”

“Blake…” Gwen warns softly, squeezing his leg.

“I deserved that.” His sister responds, surprising them both. “Gwen, can I have a moment with my brother alone?”

“Of course…” Gwen starts to say, getting up from her place next to him, but Blake’s quick to pull her back.

“Anything you got to say to me, you can say with her here.” He challenges, his hand now being the one to hold on to Gwen’s leg.

“What happened to wanting to spare her the stress of our _hissy fit_?”

“ _Your_ hissy fit.” Blake corrects, his voice once again laced with an anger Gwen wishes she could completely erase for him—it’s a burden he doesn’t deserve to carry.

“Blake, please.” Endy begs, running a hand through her hair. “We need to talk.”

Gwen softly slides his hand off her leg, wincing at the painful look he shoots her as she gets up anyway.

“I think your sister is right.” She says softly, running a hand through his wild curls. “I’ll give you guys a moment.”

Blake grunts in response, but he doesn’t try to stop her again. Gwen looks back just once as she walks towards the house, feeling that familiar anxiety creep onto her as she leaves the two siblings alone to figure this out.

As much as she wants to be there for it, she knows this is something Blake needs to do alone. He doesn’t trust himself enough to believe he can change the outcome, so the least she can do is show him that she _does_.

* * *

“You have a lot of nerve doing what you just did.” Blake says, features tight and his body filled with tension.

It’s a feeling he normally would’ve chased down by chasing a high, something to get lost in and make him forget about his shitty surroundings.

The realization comes crashing into him, only intensified by the glaring look of his sister who took Gwen’s place on the piece of deadwood.

“You had a lot of nerve putting the family through all that you did.”

He inhales sharply. “You know what, everyone else seems to have moved on…. why the hell won’t you?”

Endy nods once, her silence unnerving.

“They didn’t see you the way I saw you.” She says then, her voice a bit softer than usual. “They didn’t get to see the version of you I got to see, they also didn’t clean up the messes I did. You spared them at least some of that.”

The Oklahoma cold is getting beneath his clothes, his skin riddling in goosebumps, but it’s Endy’s words that are getting under his skin, disrupting his heartbeat and tensing up his muscles.

“We were close.”

“Exactly, Blake. Which is why it’s ten times harder for me to forgive you.”

Blake looks at her sideways, parting his lips to say something but his sister beats him to it.

“Before you moved to Nashville to pursue music, you were my best friend.” She says next, gaze dropping. “You were the person I looked up to, the person I wanted to be around all the time. And even later, when you started going through all these things and started struggling with addiction, it was me who always let you in, gave you a place to crash, a place to _trash_.”

Blake closes his eyes. “I know.”

“Then you also know that I always believed in you.” She continues, shaking her head. “I made excuse after excuse for you just to be disappointed each time. And I know…. some of it is beyond your control, but I forgave you for hitting my husband, I even forgave you for hurting mom. Does it really make me that bad of a person if I draw the line at hurting my daughter?”

The breath that gets stuck in his throat feels more like acid pouring down his mouth, burning him from within.

“It doesn’t.” He finally looks at her again, shaking his head. “I’m sorry for all of it, En. If I could go back and change everything that happened, I would. Trust me, I live with regrets you can’t even imagine. Everything you said to me in there? I’ve said worse to myself on any given night.”

“That’s not what I want for you either.” She whispers.

“It’s the price you pay when you’ve done what I’ve done.” He says, biting his lip. “I’m trying really hard to be better now though; not just for myself, but for Gwen and the little one. I can’t afford to fuck up this time.”

Endy nods. “I can see that you’re trying. And I want to apologize for some of the things I said to you earlier, that wasn’t fair.”

“I know I hurt you.” His voice cracks, emotion finally getting the best of him. “I know I hurt you bad and I genuinely am so sorry about that. I never intended to cause you any pain, you gotta know that at least.”

She nods, her own eyes welling up. “I do know that.”

“And Jace….” He shakes his head, sniffing. “God, I miss that little girl more than anything. Not a day goes by where I don’t wish I did things differently, for her sake too.”

Endy grimaces. “She misses you too. Asks about you all the time.’

“She does?”

His sister hums. “You were her favorite uncle.”

“I’m her _only_ uncle.”

Endy snorts. “I see you’re still unable to let me compliment you.”

“Only when the compliments don’t make sense.”

“You’re her favorite family member.” Endy says with a smile, exhaling loudly. “And you were right about it not being fair to keep you from her. I’m sorry.” A few beats of silence pass before she speaks up again. “I’m sorry for slapping you too.”

Blake chuckles. “You still owed me a few from what I did to Mike three years ago.”

Despite the heaviness of the situation, he catches the slight curve of Endy’s lips.

“God, you were a real asshole back then.”

“You said _back then._ ” Blake smiles. “I feel like we’re making progress.”

“We are.” His sister concedes. “Don’t ruin it.”

He looks at her pointedly, his hand reaching for hers. “It’s gonna be different this time.”

“Please Blake, don’t just let those be words you speak to me after—“

“They’re not.” He cuts her off, shaking his head. “I know I didn’t make it easy on you and I’m sure you have a million and one voices in your head telling you not to trust me and you know what.... maybe you shouldn’t.”

Endy frowns. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m not gonna ask you to trust me.” He responds, squeezing her fingers. “I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told my girlfriend and her father. I’m gonna tell you that I’ll prove myself through action and you don’t have to take my word for anything.”

His sister sighs. “You must be tired.”

Now it’s his turn to frown.

“Of what?”

“Of having to tell that to everyone in your life. Of having to prove yourself.”

Blake grimaces. “I also get some amazing things for it in return.”

“ _Gwen_.”

He nods. “She saved my fucking life, En. In more ways than one.”

“Are you being careful?” Endy asks, biting her lip. “I know I don’t have to tell you this, but it’s common knowledge that it’s dangerous to put the faith of your sobriety on one single person.”

Blake smiles softly, staring out in front of him. The wide space of nature stretches on for acres and it fills him with something close to peace.

“She’s not the reason I’m sober.” He says, scratching the back of his neck. “But every day I wake up and realize that something I’ve been chasing all my life is now waking up in my arms _and_...” He clears his throat to get his emotions out of the way, his tongue poking against the inside of his cheek. “That makes me feel like everything I’ve been through and everything I’ll go through in the future is something to be grateful for. Because all of it led me to her and all I want is to keep waking up with her next to me.”

Blake’s momentarily surprised when he feels his sisters arm wrapping around him, her head leaning against his shoulder. 

“I’m happy you found her, Blake.” She says sweetly, her voice hoarse. “She sounds like an amazing person.”

“She is.” Blake whispers. 

“Feisty too when she needs to be.”

Blake snorts. “You have _no_ idea….”

“Actually, I do.” Endy grins, shaking her head. “Before she came out here to talk to you, she told me that though she understood my _frustrations_ , we were going to have a problem if I ever laid hands on you again.”

Blake’s eyes widen as he looks at his sister, both of them sharing a look before erupting in laughter.

“I’m sorry.” Blake says, still unable to wipe the grin off his face.

“I’m not.” Endy replies pointedly. “I was wrong for hitting you and I’m glad you have someone who stands up for you.”

Blake’s features soften, his heart filling with so much love at the thought of Gwen, he can barely think straight.

“Do you guys have a name yet?”

He realizes he’s fallen quiet for a bit, his sister’s question threatening to split his cheeks with the force of his smile.

“We don’t.”

“Please let it be her decision.” Endy grins, shaking her head against his shoulder. “I don’t want the kid bullied when he’s older.”

Blake snorts, faking his disdain. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Remember when we were younger and you named our dog _Dog_?”

“I was five!”

“You also had no creativity whatsoever when it came to naming your beloved pet.”

He rolls his eyes. “Well, you got me there because I was really just gonna call our kid _son_.”

Endy smiles, squeezing his arm. 

“All kidding aside, I think you’re gonna be an amazing father. If I want you to remember anything I said from today, it’s that.”

“ _Blake_!”

Endy lifts her head from his shoulder at the shrill sound of Gwen’s voice and something inside him is immediately alarmed. He basically jumps up to turn around and watch Gwen’s frantic demeanour walking towards them. 

His heart drops. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?”

The questions all come out in record speed, his gaze subconsciously going to her belly, feeling the dread spread through his limbs. 

Gwen grabs his arm, her eyes going from him to his sister’s frame next. 

“I’m fine and so is the baby. But you need to come inside, _both_ of you.”

“What happened?” Endy asks now equally as alarmed, following Gwen inside before she even answered the question.

Gwen’s hand tightens on his arm, seemingly preparing him for the blow she’s about to deliver.

“It’s your mom.” She whispers, and it isn’t until that moment that he recognizes the tears on her face. “Something’s wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last time I will end a chapter of this story on a cliffhanger, I promise..


	26. I Ain’t Going Out

Blake scrubs his face with both hands, walking around the quiet waiting room.

The sirens he heard as they rushed his mom to the hospital still ring inside his ears. The sight of his mom unconscious in the chair when he followed Gwen back in the house is an image that’s now permanently burned onto his frontal lobe. 

“It doesn’t make sense.” He says as he sniffles and blinks, trying to stay sane after waiting for over an hour. "Why is it taking so long? What the hell happened?”

Gwen looks up at him, her hand laying over her stomach while she’s slumped back against the cold hospital bench. 

She blinks and sighs. "Blake, your mom needed immediate medical care. We just gotta let the doctors do what they do best and — “

“She was fine when we got there today.” He cuts her off, ignoring the stares from Mike and his sister a few feet away, the two adults somewhat cuddled up as Endy looks rightfully terrified. “There was nothing going on a few hours ago and now she’s in the hospital getting  _immediate medical care_ . What the hell happened?” 

He repeats his question forcefully, but he knows the people around him are just as confused as he is. 

“One moment she was talking about how she felt when _she_ first got pregnant...” Mike starts gently, wrapping an arm around his wife. “And the next she’s stammering out her words, her hands started to shake... it feels like within seconds after that when she just....”

The man cuts himself off and Blake can feel the frustration growing inside him. 

“ _ Mike _ .”

“When she lost consciousness.” Gwen whispers, looking up at him. “Blake, you need to calm down. Come on, sit with me.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t tell me to calm down right now, Gwen. I’ll sit once they tell me what’s wrong with her.”

He doesn’t mean to get snappy with her, or anyone else for that matter, but his heart is beating out of his chest and his mind is reeling as if someone just whacked him on the back of his head. He can’t calm down and he definitely can’t sit still.

“I can’t believe we weren’t there.” Endy whispers suddenly, voice cracking. “We should’ve been there when it happened and instead we were outside, fixing  _ our _ mess again.”

Blake closes his eyes, a headache creeping up on him rapidly.

“You couldn’t have known.” Mike says, holding her tightly while finding Blake’s gaze across the room. “Neither one of you could’ve known.”

Despite the kind words, he finds himself growing uncontrollably frustrated, his head and heart pounding.

He turns around and walks over to the water machine in the corner, resting one of his hands on the top of it while the other one fumbles with a plastic cup. 

He tenses when he feels a soft hand land on his shoulder and he doesn’t even have to check to recognize that hand as Gwen’s. 

“Baby, tell me what I can do for you right now.”

Her voice is gentle as ever, her features matching that sound as he turns to face her.

“There’s nothing you can do.” He whispers.

“Your mom is tough.” She says, her hand cupping his cheek. “She’s going to be okay.”

“We both know that’s not how this works.” He murmurs, pushing the plastic cup underneath the stream of ice cold water. 

He hears her sigh. “We gotta stay positive.”

His hand tightens around the plastic cup so tightly, some water spills over the rim, ironically portraying how he feels at the inside. 

“Well Gwen, then you go do that. Be  _ positive _ .” He spits. “In the meantime, I’ll be here, living in reality.”

He looks back at her, seeing sparks of fear, anger and a hint of guilt in her eyes. 

“I’m just trying to be there for you, Blake.”

“You should’ve stopped me from going outside.” He says suddenly, his brain and mouth working in opposite directions. “You should’ve kept me inside, so I would’ve been there when this happened. I should’ve been there for  _ her _ .”

Gwen’s eyes widen, before she takes a single step away from him. 

“You know what? I asked you earlier what I could do for you and I think the best thing I can do for you right now, is to leave you alone.”

She turns to walk away from him while panic starts rising in his chest, his hand reaching out for her before he can even stop himself.

“Gwen wait, I’m sorry.” The words rush out of his mouth, his hand tightening around her arm as he gently pulls her back to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to— “

“Blame me?” She whispers, lips slightly parted.

He lowers his head and surprises them both when he leans his forehead against hers. 

"I don’t blame you for anything.”

“How about yourself?” She asks carefully, his hand slipping beneath her hair so he can gently grasp the back of her neck.

“It’s why I need to know what happened.” He sighs, holding her as close as he humanly can, knowing that being with Gwen in this moment is the only thing that could possibly keep him together. “I need to know if this is somehow— “

“It’s not.” She interrupts him, palming his cheek again. “This is not your fault. Your mom got sick and I’m sorry you weren’t there for her in that moment, but honestly.... I’m glad you weren’t.”

His eyes glare into hers. “What? Why?”

“ Because ....” She sighs, softly brushing his lips with her own. “You already have so many bad memories to live with. I don’t want this image of your mom getting unwell to be one you can add to that list. There’s nothing you could’ve done in that moment that we didn’t or couldn’t do. So no, I’m not mad at you being outside when it happened and trust me, neither is your mom.”

He closes his eyes at her words, tears pooling behind his lids.

“What am I gonna do?” He whispers, voice breaking. “I can’t lose her. Not right now, not yet.”

He feels her slender finger whisk away a tear from his cheek, her lips pressing into his just a little more prominently now.

“You won’t.” She whispers against his mouth. “You’re not losing anyone.”

The sound of footsteps entering the small waiting room is what breaks them apart quickly, Blake’s eyes immediately falling upon the shorter men in the middle of the room. It takes no rocket scientist to find out it’s the Doc.

Every adult is up on their feet in an instant, Blake and Gwen quickly joining the rest for more information.

“My name is Dr. Hewis. Are all of you immediate family of Dorothy Shackleford?”

“We are.” Blake responds quickly, tightening his hold on Gwen’s hand. “What happened to her?”

“She experienced a transient ischemic attack, something we can all a TIA or mini-stroke in less medical terms.”

“A _stroke_?” Endy repeats, her face crumbling.

The doctor nods regretfully. “A mini-stroke usually doesn’t cause any permanent damage and we’re not seeing a deviation of that with your mother. We do know that those attacks are usually followed up by an actual stroke, which means an early treatment is essential.”

“What caused this?” Mike asks, holding on to his wife.

“Technically it’s a blood clot in the brain. It’s something that could happen to anyone.” Dr. Hewis responds. “After running some tests on her, we did conclude that she has a very high cholesterol which puts her at higher risk for another one in the future.”

“How is she doing now?” Blake asks, shaking his head as he tries to process all this information. “Is she going to be okay?”

“She’s awake and lucid. She has a terrible headache and her vision appears to be a bit blurry. This is nothing out of the ordinary after experiencing a TIA. We expect these symptoms to disappear after 24 hours.”

“Can we see her?”

The man nods. “You can, but it’s better to do so in doses. Too many sensations can easily overload her system right now.” 

“Why don’t you and Endy go?” Mike says. “I can stay here with Gwen.”

Blake looks down at Gwen, who’s softly squeezing his hand and nods.

“Go be with her.” She says sweetly. “I’ll be here.”

As much as he doesn’t want to leave her side right now, the urge to be with his mom is too overwhelming. He lets go of her hand to find himself linked with his sister, quietly yet eagerly following the doctor out of the dense and sterile waiting room area.

* * *

Gwen’s stunned into silence for a few seconds, lingering in the doorway.

The woman in the bed is not even that old yet, but while her heart still beats stubbornly within her chest, her skin and features seem so fragile.

Dot looks nothing like the enthusiastic, energetic woman she’s known for. Blake’s sitting on the chair next to her bed, his hand softly wiping a strand of hair out of the older woman’s face as she sleeps on, peacefully.

The doctors want her to stay for a few nights, just to see how she recovers. If everything goes well, Dot will be able to go home without too many medical repercussions. While Endy and Mike are staying at a hotel nearby, needing some time away from this place after hearing Dot is out of the woods, Blake hasn’t left the hospital room yet since being let in here.

She slowly approaches his hunched over frame in the chair, her hands squeezing his shoulders gently. She lowers her head to the top of his, kissing his hair.

“Baby, why don’t you let me take you home?” She whispers, applying a bit of pressure on his shoulders as she can feel the tension there.

“I can’t leave.” Comes his only reply.

“You need some sleep.” She counters. “Or at least a proper bed to lay in.”

Gwen lets her gaze go over Dot once more, the sight pulling on her heartstrings. The white sheets seem to hug her small frame comfortably and her features are nothing like the shocked and pained one she saw earlier today.

“I can’t go home.” Blake tells her softly, his hand covering hers on his shoulder. “I can’t leave her alone.”

Gwen nods, sighing. “I understand.”

“But you should get home and get some sleep.” He says suddenly, squeezing her hand. “You’ve got the key, you can just— “

“I’m not leaving you here.” Gwen replies, almost offended by the fact he brought it up.

“Gwen, you don’t have to stay here.”

“I’m _not_ leaving you.” She says firmly, settling herself on his lap. Her arm goes around his neck, both staring at the hospital bed. “If you want to stay here and watch over your mom, I will be right here by your side doing the same.”

She still hopes to get Blake as far as to leave this space, the tension in his body and fatigue in his features making her incredibly worried about his wellbeing.

The doctors here are taking good care of Dot and from what she heard, they’re not expecting any complications. Blake on the other hand, seems like he’s close to his breaking point.

“Have you been in the waiting room by yourself all this time?” Blake asks softly, his hand sliding to her knee.

“I called my brother for quite a while.” She says, biting her lip. “Mike and Endy took me to the downstairs cafeteria to eat something. I’ve only been alone for about an hour.”

Blake shakes his head, his hand sliding higher and laying still across her stomach.

“You shouldn’t be here.” He whispers, closing his eyes.

She leans her head against his shoulder. “No one should be here.”

Blake sighs. “Please go home, Gwen.”

Her eyes widen, his words coming as a bit of a shock to her system, not expecting him to so bluntly ask her to leave.

“What are you talking about?” She asks, exasperated. “I’m not leaving you.”

“You need to get some sleep; you need to be  _ comfortable _ .” He emphasizes.

She lifts her head off him, staring down at him.

“If you really want me to be comfortable, you come home with me. Lay with me.”

“Gwen…”

“ _Blake_.” She retorts, shaking her head. “Baby, I know you’re trying to do what’s right here, but your mom is going to be okay. She doesn’t need you to stay here all night, but _we_ do need you home.”

His gaze finds his mother again, his hand softly grazing the sheets next to her body.

“What if something happens?”

“Nothing is gonna happen.” Gwen responds. “But she’s in the hospital, surrounded by people who can actually help her if something  _ does _ . And we’re only twenty minutes away back at your place.”

He ducks his head and she’s quick to get her hand underneath his chin, tipping his face up to meet her gaze again.

“I know you’re trying to be strong for everyone, but you’re going to be no good for anyone if you’re pushing yourself too far.”

Her harsh words are spoken gently and she can tell Blake doesn’t take offense to them. He sighs again, nodding softly against her hold.

“Okay.”

Gwen presses her lips against his forehead, getting off his lap and giving him some time to pry himself away from the hospital bed. She knows it’s a big step for him to let her take him home, momentarily taking him away from his mother’s side.

Blake slowly follows her out of the small and stuffy room, his jacket swung over his shoulder. The outside air is cold and unforgiving and the darkness makes it almost too easy to fall into an inhibited sadness. Without any spoken words, they decide it’s best if she drives. The road isn’t busy which probably has something to do with the midnight hour they chose to drive in and the cold weather that makes most people just want to be bundled up inside in front of a fireplace, preferably.

Gwen drives up the familiar ranch road, passing the sign that hangs above the property’s entrance. Blake doesn’t speak for the entirety of the ride, not even when she stops the car in his driveway and they stare at his front door for at least three minutes in silence.

“Come on.” She says eventually, taking the keys out of the engine and opening the truck door. She jumps out of the large vehicle, waiting for Blake to join her up the patio. Her hand quickly intertwines with his, leading him past his own front door and hallway.

It’s almost a bit uncomfortable, the way he follows her without any prompting, not saying a word, just letting her lead him wherever.

“Do you wanna take a shower?” She whispers, not sure about what he needs.

He shakes his head. “I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

He sighs again, the sound a painful and slightly frustrated one.

“I don’t really care, Gwen.”

Gwen nods, biting her lip as she takes a few seconds to make up her mind. Not knowing what to do, but going with her gut feeling, she steps in front of him and forces his gaze up to hers.

“I know you don’t want to go there….” She whispers, but he doesn’t even acknowledge her words so she presses on. “But you’re gonna kill yourself if you try to keep this all inside. _Please_.” Her voice breaks. “Please don’t bottle it all up.”

“What do you want from me?” He asks, and as painful as the question is, it’s not at all spoken in an angry fashion—it sounds more desperate than anything else.

“I want you to listen to me.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

She’s searching his face expectantly, eyes widening when she sees a lone tear slip from his and trailing a path down his stubbly cheek.

“Then  _ be _ here.” She whispers, wiping his tear with her finger. “Use me. Lean on me.”

He shakes his head, but her hand keeps him from moving too much.

“This is not the time.” He says, repeating the words he spoke to his mother right after he found out about her grandiose plan to invite Endy.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She says instead, her heart breaking at the painful expression on Blake’s face. The one that shows every internal struggle that’s going on and every fear he finds too heavy or risky to speak out loud. “And I’m not gonna let you do this all by yourself, I don’t care what you say.”

“Jesus, what do you want me to do right now?” He snaps, stepping out of her grasp. “I’ve seen more hospital rooms in the last few months than I’ve seen my own goddamn home. I haven’t been able to control a single thing for the last four months of my life and all I can do is  _ stand _ there and pray to a God I’ve cursed so many times before. I could lose you, I could lose our baby, I could lose my fucking mom and all I can do about that is absolutely freakin’  _ nothing _ .”

Another few tears slide down his cheeks, and as much as she wants to wipe them all away, his admission keeps her from reaching out for him immediately.

“You’re right.” She says softly, willing herself to stay calm as Blake’s slowly starting to break in front of her. “You have seen the inside of a hospital way too many times lately. But you’re  not gonna lose anyone of us.”

“You don’t know that.” He retorts, walking backwards until his back hits the wall behind him. “I’ve never had this much to lose, Gwen. And I’m grateful for it, I am, but right at this second, everything I stand to lose is _killing_ me.”

She slowly walks closer to him, watching as his hand flies through his hair, his head resting against the wall.

“What do you need?” She asks, reaching out for his free hand and this time he doesn’t pull away.

“You.” He says, so full of conviction is staggers her. “I need you, I need you to not go anywhere, I need— “

“I’m not going anywhere.” She interrupts him, his breathing ragged as she forces herself closer to him. “Baby, I’m right here.”

“I’ve always had trouble keeping the ones I love.” He says then, voice dropping to an impossibly hoarse whisper that breaks her heart. “I’ve always had one foot out the door, my relationships never lasted…. but I’d never forgive myself if we fell apart because of me. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you or…or  _ him _ . I would never... I would hate myself, Gwen.”

She takes advantage of their joined hands, tugging gently. Blake crashes into her without much else prompting, his legs no longer trying to keep him up.

She follows him down to the ground, losing track of who’s holding who, as they both become a tangled mess on the floor.

“Shhhh.” She hears herself say gently, Blake’s sobs loud in the otherwise quiet room. Her arm tries to reach around him completely, but the way he tries to do the same makes for a messy embrace that ends with her legs in his lap and his head in the crook of her neck. “You’re not losing us.”

Blake releases a shaky breath and she can feel the relief rolling off him in waves, can even hear the rapid rhythm of his heart. Her own heart is beating quickly too but it’s not as much from the adrenaline or sadness, but more so from the feeling of being this close to him. She didn’t realize how much all of these hospital visits had played tricks on her psyche as well and all she wanted was a few moments with Blake alone, reminding her that they still have each other.

“I’m scared too.” She whispers, her lips pressing against his temple. “Not of losing you necessarily, but not being enough for you, or for this baby…. I think about it every day.”

His arms tighten around her despite his own sniffing and shaking not yet having subsided.

“You could never  _ not _ be enough.”

She smiles softly. “I knew you were gonna say that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Another truth is that you are  _ amazing _ .” She speaks lowly, her hand toying with the hairs in his nape. “You getting scared or upset about something doesn’t change that and I want you to feel comfortable with expressing those emotions too.”

“I just don’t want to be too much for you, Gwen.”

“You won’t be.” She says. “I need you to stop seeing me as something you’re gonna break, alright? Please, you need to trust me.”

“I do trust you.” He responds, sitting up a bit more to meet her gaze.

His eyes are puffy and red, but there’s a little less tension holding his features hostage and she finds herself pressing a brief kiss to his lips at the sight of it.

She hopes he can understand everything she doesn’t say while she starts a slow and lazy make out; telling him that he can break on her without being afraid of breaking _her_.

They pull away eventually, breathing against each other’s lips.

“Thank you for convincing me to come home tonight.” He whispers, his gaze lowering to their hands that are intertwined against his chest.

She takes advantage of the moment of distraction and wraps her legs around his waist, settling herself back onto his lap. She sighs contentedly as her arms wrap around his shoulders, prepping kiss on the side of his neck, pressing her mouth against the warm solid presence of his body.

“Thank you for listening to me.” She murmurs, pressing herself back against him.

After what feels like an hour of simply clinging to each other on the living room floor, his hands gripping her hips makes her aware of something _else_ he needs. She runs a hand through his hair, gently tugging his head up to hers as she chases his mouth with hers in a much deeper, much dirtier kiss than before.

“Gwen…” He murmurs against her, his voice full of want and need. “Shower.”

She smirks against him.

“Changed your mind?”

He nods, kissing her lips briefly before pulling away again. She’s not about to fight him on his sudden change of heart, allowing him to pull them both up and off the floor. She lets him lead the way, not making a single sound of protest as he slowly starts to back her up against the bathroom wall.

She doesn’t think they’ve ever taken this long about taking each other’s clothes off, the mindless staring and touching taking at least thirty minutes. It’s almost enough to get her to whine out in frustration, but it’s also the most intimate moment of her life. She subconsciously wraps an arm around her stomach as she’s completely exposed to him, but his hand is quick to lower it again.

His lips trace the line of her bare shoulder, down to her upper arm and back again.

“I love you so much.” She whispers, her hand digging into the skin of his back as he softly kisses her neck.

He lifts his head to look at her, his hand softly tugging at hers to get her into the shower with him. Once the steady spray of water hits their naked bodies, he manoeuvres her in front of him, her back pressed against his chiselled chest.

“I love you more than anything in the world, Gwen.” He speaks lowly against her ear, nibbling at her lobe while his hand maintains a steady grip on her hip.

She turns around in his arms, kissing him deeply and pressing herself more firmly against his growing arousal. His eyes are closed tightly, an attempt at self-restraint that she knows all too well, as her mouth and hands are wandering across his body.

Knowing he’s too lost in sensation to really pay attention to anything else, she lowers herself onto her knees in front of him.

His eyes widen suddenly, staring down at her.

“Gwen, baby you don’t have to— “

Some of that familiar worry comes back into his eyes and she knows that ever since her pregnancy she hadn’t done this very much, often times too uncomfortable for this position on her knees or just too tired or nauseas to go there, but now she can’t think of anything else she’d rather be doing.

He can’t help the sharp twitch of his hip as she presses the flat of her tongue to him, a long, slow ascent from base to tip. She cups him with one hand, the other following the path of her tongue, fingers dancing softly over the sensitive flesh. She swirls her tongue around his tip before closing her lips over him and she knows he’s lost.

“Oh God, Gwen.” He hisses, his senses now all surrounded by Gwen and her touch and the warmth of her mouth on him.

She can feel her stomach clench at the sight and sounds of him coming undone by the way she works him, his hand softly guiding her movements, careful not to push too hard. She feels the flutter of his muscles as she drives him closer to the edge, the rhythmic faltering of his breath indicating he’s falling apart, frissons of pleasure rolling through his body.

He pulls her up gently, kissing her hard as he tastes himself off her lips. He cups her jaw with both hands as their tongues tangle. She gasps when he forces her legs around his waist, hoisting her up against the glass door as he enters her in one smooth stroke.

Her head drops back in sheer bliss, as this moment never gets any less amazing. She rolls her hips over his, meeting his torturously slow pace and becoming one in the way only _they_ are able to.

She forces back tears when he holds himself still while all the way buried inside her, gazing up at him as her eyes dance with nothing but lust and pure want. Even though she can’t wait for him to move again, she doesn’t ask anything of him, just lets him linger there, apparently needing the brief pause to regain some semblance of control. Something he hasn’t been getting enough of these last few months. He leans his foreheads against hers, breaths mingling in what little space lingers between them.

He moves his hand to where they’re joined together, rubbing over her clit once. Her breath hitches as she grabs the back of his head. He moves his hips again, slowly, both releasing stuttered breaths as their hips meet, the feeling utterly overwhelming.

“Fuck Gwen, this is unreal.” She loops her arms around his neck and guides him in for a long, slow kiss.

She murmurs an incoherent response, sounding like his name melded with an expletive melded with a content sigh. She smiles as he brushes their lips in time with their movements, slow and deliberate, the absolute epitome of making love and she’s left to wonder if she’s ever made love like this before.

But as the sensation grow, so does their sense of urgency. Blake starts to thrust upward in synchronization with the movements of her hips, deeper each time. Gwen rests her hand on the glass door behind her, bracing herself and shifting the angle just enough so that he now brushes against her clit on every slide. 

Blake grips her thighs in response, holds her there as his movements grow more haphazard.

“Don’t you stop.” She murmurs, her voice a mix between a whine and a moan. “You’re gonna make me come.”

He nods against her, his teeth tugging at her bottom lip.

“Yeah baby….” He thrusts into her hard, his hand sliding to the back of her head. “Show me. Fall apart for me.”

“ _ Ungh _ —“ Any words she thought about speaking die on her tongue, the only thing she can focus on are the sensations he brings alive within her.

He’s close, she can tell, but she can also tell he wants to ensure they fall off the edge together so they can share this experience in every way possible. One hand releases her legs and slips between their erratically moving bodies to press against her, and just one swipe of his finger is all she neds before she clenches around him.

She feels the moment he lets go too, releasing hotly inside of her, resting his forehead against her once more. His hips no longer moving.

Her legs are still tightly clinging to his waist and she has no intention of moving just yet, breathing in each other and the smell of sex lingering in the shower cabin.

Her chest is still heaving and the moment Blake’s hand comes up to rest over her heart, simply feeling it beating underneath his palm, a few grateful tears escape her own eyes as well


	27. One I’d Never Seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over 10.000 hits on this story and it isn’t even over yet. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I’m so thankful. I hope I can keep you interested until the very end ❤️

Gwen grabs his hand before walking through the familiar hospital doors, realizing he’s taking a few seconds to catch his breath.

She knows it’s hard for him to take a step into this place again, after breaking down and admitting to his fears last night. It’s not easy for her either, but she doesn’t want this moment to be defined by _her_ struggles.

She curls her fingers over Blake’s callused ones, holding his gaze as unwavering as her grip. He leans a little closer until he’s able to touch her forehead with his, eyes fluttering close as he simply breathes her in.

“Do you even know the effect you have on me?” He whispers, basking in the unspoken connection they have.

The rest of the world could fade away right now and none of it would matter.

She inhales deeply, her hand continuing to hold on to his. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“No.” He answers honestly, pulling away from her yet never letting go of her slender hand in his. “But I will be.”

They walk inside the tall building, entering the large and sterile hallway that will take them straight to Dot’s room. When they near her unit, it’s an excited children’s voice that stops them both in their tracks.

A little girl, couldn’t be older than seven, comes barrelling around the corner, heading straight for Blake. He doesn’t have to say anything for Gwen to realize exactly who it is and she feels the magnitude of the moment hitting her in similar ways it does Blake.

His hand lets go of hers, his arms instinctively opening themselves up as Jace comes running into them.

“Uncle Blake!”

Gwen looks on as he wraps his arms around the young girl, the hitching of his breath audible even to her ears.

“ _Sweetheart_.” He breathes, his voice so soft it almost doesn’t sound like him.

Her tiny arms are swung around his neck, her head laid on his shoulder. Mike and Endy have rounded the corner now too, standing back as they watch over the sweet moment happening in the hallway. Gwen forces back the lump in her throat when Blake tightens his arms around the girl, shaking his head almost in disbelief.

“I missed you.” Jace speaks quietly, not moving from her spot against his chest. “I don’t understand why you left for so long. Mommy said you weren’t feeling well. Did I do something to make you feel bad when I came over the last time?”

Blake sucks in a painfully sharp breath, one Gwen can feel in her bones.

She knows better than to underestimate a child’s ability to find a way to blame themselves for the shortcomings of adults, but hearing the child so innocently pose that question to Blake, makes her forget all about rationality. All she can focus on is the hurt expression on Blake’s face and the way he slowly pulls away from Jace.

“Darling, look at me.” He commands softly, waiting for his niece to look him in the eye. He lowers himself in front of her so they’re eye-level with each other, his hand softly squeezing her small shoulder. “You could _never_ do anything to make me feel bad. Me not coming to see you sooner had nothing to do with you.”

The little girl’s eyes are starting to water and Gwen has to actively look away to keep her own from leaking.

“Why didn’t you come see me then?” She whispers, ducking her head. “You missed my birthday.”

Blake sighs, biting his lip. “I’m so sorry about that, Jace. I wish so badly I could’ve been there.”

“You could’ve.” His niece says softly, her chin trembling. “I invited you. I told my mom that I hoped you’d come, but she said you were busy.”

The look in his eyes tells Gwen he’s struggling to keep the façade up, wanting to speak the truth so badly, yet knowing the truth isn’t exactly something that would set this little girl free. Neither would it do any favours for the girl’s mom.

“Remember when your mom told you I wasn’t feeling well?” He asks softly, his hand cupping her cheek. Jace nods. “She was right. I wasn’t feeling so well and I had to take some time away to make myself better.”

“What was wrong with you?”

“I was sick.” Blake responds, swallowing roughly. “I was sick for a very long time and I couldn’t be around anyone while I was trying to get better.”

“Maybe I could’ve helped.” The girl says softly, leaning into his palm.

Blake cracks a small and heartbroken smile.

“You know what? You probably would’ve been a _huge_ help. But I had to do this alone, sweet girl. Your mom and I didn’t want to scare you by letting you see me that way.”

Jace sniffs. “Are you better now?”

“Much.” He says, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “And I’m never gonna stop working on getting better. I swear to you Jace, I’m not leaving again.”

“Jace, let uncle Blake get up so he can visit grandma.” Endy speaks softly, having walked up to them by now. The two siblings share an emotionally charged look before Blake’s grabbing onto Jace’s hand.

“Have you seen her yet?” Blake asks, clearing his throat a few times to get rid of some of the worst emotion there.

His niece nods. “I was just with her. She really wants to go home.”

Blake chuckles quietly. “That sounds like Dot.”

Gwen is about to follow them when Blake extends his free hand out to her, smiling down at her sweetly. She needs no prompting to take it, her heart swelling at the sight of him holding on to both her _and_ Jace, their conversation from the night before coming crashing back into her.

He’s not losing anyone. If anything, he’s slowly gaining one back.

* * *

“Mom, _please_ be careful.”

Blake sounds nearly annoyed as his mother exits his vehicle, hurrying herself to the front door of her house.

“Blake, I’m fine.” The older woman exclaims, searching for her keys and digging them into the lock enthusiastically. “That hospital was suffocating me. What was wrong with them keeping me for two nights. I probably would’ve felt better immediately if they just drove me straight back to my place. Have they not heard of fresh air doing wonders for the body and mind?”

Blake follows her up the patio, holding the door open for her as she barrels through it.

“You had a damn stroke.” He informs her pointedly. “Not much fresh air is gonna do about that one.”

“You worry too much.”

Blake shoots Gwen a desperate glance as his mother is already ten steps in front of him, probably heading for the kitchen by now.

She places a soft hand on his arm and leans in to peck him briefly on the lips. “Just take a deep breath. She’s just excited.”

“She needs to be less excited and get her ass to bed.”

Gwen chuckles. “Good luck getting that to happen.”

His eyes widen. “Gwen, I’m serious.”

“I know you are.” She smiles, reaching up to cup his chin between her fingers. “But that woman has been bed-ridden for two whole days. There’s no way she’s going back to lie in one right now.”

Blake inhales deeply, knowing she’s right. 

“She needs to be careful.”

“She knows that. The doctor didn’t spend nearly thirty minutes drilling her with his speech for that to not have come through.”

“Are you sure? Because from what I’ve just seen, she’s ready to run a damn marathon right now.”

“She’s stubborn, I’ll give you that.” Gwen retorts, smiling up at him. “I wonder who you got that from.”

“ _I’m_ not stubborn.”

Gwen laughs. “Oh please. If you look up that word in the dictionary, you’ll find your picture right underneath there.”

Blake throws his hands up, pretending to be offended, though she can see the corners of his lips curving slightly up.

“You’re lucky I love you so damn much.”

She bites her lip, standing on her tip toes as her arms go around his neck. With his mother so excited to rummage through her house again, they’re left alone in the hallway for the time being.

“I _am_ very lucky about that.” She agrees, letting her hand play with the hairs at his nape. “I’m glad you’re finally realizing it too.”

He closes his eyes, obviously enjoying the feeling of her body so tightly pressed against his and her hands in his hair.

“I don’t understand how you do it.” He whispers softly, one of her hands sliding to his shoulder and descending a trail down his chest.

“Do what?” She asks, her hand hovering over his heart.

“Make me feel this calm, this centered, no matter what’s going on in my life.”

She smiles. “It’s what you do for me too.”

He opens his eyes, staring down at her with a smile.

“Thank you for being here with me.” He says, his hand cupping her cheek. “I don’t think I would’ve made it through these last few days without you.”

“You know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” She whispers in response, pulling herself against his chest again.

His arms come around her, hugging her to him in the way she so desperately craves. She loves how even after all this time, he never gets tired of being physically close to her.

She’s about to pull away when a strange sensation hits her, her hands tightening on his shoulder. She lets out a tiny gasp as it happens again, her head snapping up at Blake.

His eyes widen. “Was that— “

She just nods frantically, grabbing his hand and manoeuvring it between their bodies, sliding it down until she’s gently placing it over her stomach.

They wait for a few more seconds, both their gazes turned to their hands on her belly. She feels the kick even more prominently then, her breath hitching at the way Blake’s fingers tighten just a tad.

He looks at her with the same awe-stuck expression as she imagines she’s giving _him_ right now, her eyes watering.

“That was a big one.” Blake says full of adoration, his eyes still focusing on her stomach as if he can somehow _see_ it happen.

Gwen smiles. “You’re telling me.”

He looks up at her, his free hand brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I can’t believe we just felt our baby kick for the first time.”

Hearing him say _our baby_ is still as surreal as it was the first time she learned of the truth, but there’s so much more happiness accompanied with the feeling now. She’s no longer alone, worrying about what’s gonna happen when he finds out. She’s now fully basking in the knowledge they’ll become parents and she knows that this child will have no shortage of love whatsoever when he finally joins them in the real world.

“I can’t wait for him to get here.” Gwen says softly, swallowing the lump in her throat.

“Me neither.” He presses a soft kiss on her forehead. “I sometimes wonder if he’ll like me when he grows up, you know?” Blake’s hand continues to lay across her small baby bump, his features portraying something bashful. “I know it’s jumping a few steps ahead, but I just want him to love me as much as I love him and that just kinda feels like an impossible task.”

Gwen bites her lip, letting her hand wander to the back of his head.

“I think parents are supposed to love their kids more, baby.” She smiles sweetly. “You feeling that way is just further proof of how great of a dad you’ll be.”

He sighs deeply, his fingers moving an inch on her stomach, just finding a better placement before stilling again.

“You really think so?”

“I know so.” She affirms. “I didn’t even get the time to tell you this yet, but the way you dealt with Jace at the hospital? That was… _amazing_. You said and did all the right things, and I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

Blake smiles softly, his eyes becoming a little watery.

“It was a really nice gesture of them to let her come by, knowing I’d be there.” Blake starts, biting his lip.

She cocks her head, before shaking it. 

“No Blake, that was a gesture _long_ overdue.”

He looks at her in surprise, obviously not expecting those words to come out of her mouth.

“I just knew that I couldn’t spend another second of my life without making sure she knew it wasn’t her fault.” He swallows roughly. “It’s something that’s kept me up so many nights; not knowing how Jace would rationalize everything that was happening in her little head. Knowing she wondered about it being her fault just completely breaks me. I wanted it to be clear to her, without a shadow of a doubt, how much it was never her fault.”

Gwen nods, pressing her lips against his cheek.

“She knows. Trust me, you made that clear.”

Another kick causes them to still against each other, her hand still at the back of his neck, while his still lays on her stomach.

“And it seems like I’m not the only one who feels that way.” Gwen whispers softly, giggling when Blake quietly lowers onto his knees in front of her, pressing a kiss right where his hands had just been.

“Do you think he’ll be able to hear me if I talk to him now?” Blake asks sheepishly, staring up at her.

Her hand runs through his hair, the sight of him on his knees in front of her, hand on her stomach, makes her heart flutter inside her chest.

“I think it’s worth the try.” She says.

He nods, turning his attention to her stomach ones more, swiftly lifting the hem of her shirt enough to expose part of her belly.

Gwen blushes, realizing they’re still in his mother’s hallway, but as soon as Blake starts talking, there’s nothing else she can focus on than his beautiful voice.

“Hey little one…” Blake chuckles lowly, his hand covering most of her stomach. “I’m not even gonna ask you to kick again for me, cause if you’re anything like both your parents, you’re already too stubborn to listen.”

Gwen laughs breathily, continuing to run her hand through his curls.

“You would think that after being around music for so long, even having written some songs, I’d have better words to speak to you right now, but I don’t. I have absolutely zero words to describe to you how much I already love you, how much I can’t wait to meet you. And the funny thing is, that as much as I love you today, I know for a fact I will love you even more tomorrow.”

Gwen feels her heart nearly bursting at the seams, her eyes tearing up.

“I promise to take good care of you when you’re here.” He says, his warm palm on her bare stomach making her feel things she’s never felt before. “And of mommy too. Though some of the ways I’ll do that I probably shouldn’t be telling you about…”

She playfully swats at the back of his head, gasping. “ _Blake_!”

He chuckles lowly, carefully resting his chin on her belly, looking up at her. “Sorry, sorry. You know I couldn’t pass up on the opportunity.”

“You’re crazy.” She giggles, shaking her head.

Blake focuses back on her belly, but as he stares, he’s seemingly losing his train of thoughts, staying quiet for a few seconds.

Gwen really doesn’t want to do anything but stand there and bask in the feeling of Blake admiring her and the baby, his hand still warm on her body.

“ _Oh My_! I’ll just go back into the kitchen.” Dot’s voice suddenly rings through the hallway, causing Gwen’s eyes to widen. “You kids don’t mind me.”

Gwen opens her mouth to say something, but the woman’s already rounding the corner to give them some more privacy. She looks down at Blake, who she realizes now has his hands on her hips, smirking up at her.

“Blake, oh my God, what if your mom thinks—“ She cuts herself off, not even able to say the words out loud as she starts to lightly panic. 

It’s not that they’ve really done anything wrong, but the sight of Blake on his knees in front of her with her shirt lifted, makes her feel like there’s room for some type of inappropriate interpretation.

Blake gets up from the ground, but his hands never leave her hips.

“My mom thinks I was talking to the baby, which I _was_.” He assures her, yet his smirk shows something different. “And if she somehow missed that…. I don’t care.”

She gasps. “Yes we do! Blake, the last thing I want is for your mom to think I’m the type of girl who would let her son go down on me in her hallway.”

Blake can’t help but laugh out loud then, his hands squeezing her sides. He lowers his head to her ear, nibbling at it. “That something you’d be into?”

She pushes at his chest, keeping her hand there as she shakes her head.

“You are an idiot.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

She scoffs, biting her lip. “I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response.”

“Come on.” He laughs, finally tugging her along with him down the hallway, leading her into the kitchen area.

She’s relieved to feel his strong hands squeeze her shoulders from behind, a silent act of encouragement as he can tell she’s suddenly nervous to be faced with Dot again.

“There you guys are, I thought you two had left.”

Blake shakes his head, still standing behind her as he squeezes and massages her shoulders.

“Tough luck, mom.” He retorts, dropping the playfulness he’d talked with only moments earlier. “We’re here to make sure you’re not pushing it today.”

She sighs dramatically. “I wish the doctor had never told you what happened. This way I won’t ever get you to stop worrying.”

“You wish he hadn’t told us you had a _stroke_?”

Gwen presses her lips tightly together at the bewildered tone of his voice, momentarily distracting her from her own shyness. She knows Blake is worried and his protective mode has been greatly triggered, but she finds silent amusement in it too.

“Mini stroke, Blake.” His mom corrects him, reaching for a glass out of her cabinets before filling it with water. “I tried to tell the Doc there was no need for all these rules they’re suddenly enforcing on me, but he’s just like you—stubborn as hell.”

Blake takes one of his hands off her shoulders to rub it over his face.

“They’re trying to prevent you from having another one.” He says, rolling his eyes. “A legit one, mom. There’s no way you’re not gonna follow these rules.”

“No _salt_?” She damn near screeches. “I can deal with cutting back on the alcohol, I will even leave the fried food alone for a while, but no salt?”

She starts to shake her head to indicate she’s not doing that, but Blake beats her to it before she can actually verbalize the words.

“You _are_ cutting back on salt, I don’t even care if I have to come over and personally remove it from your dinner table.”

Dot stares at her son, then back at Gwen.

“See what I have to deal with?”

Gwen chuckles, turning around and sliding her hand up Blake’s chest, completely forgetting what she was stressing about before.

“He can be…passionate.” She grins, turning back to face his mom. “But he’s also right, Dot. You should really take these precautions seriously.”

Gwen’s surprised when Dot takes a few steps around the kitchen island, grabbing both her hands in hers. “You are so precious, Gwen. We’re all very lucky to have you be a part of this family. I just wanted you to know that.”

Her breath silently hitches at the unexpected words from Blake’s mother, his hands now back to softly squeezing her shoulders.

“Thank you.” She whispers, squeezing Dot’s hands. “I’m really grateful to be here.”

“I can tell you are.” The older woman exclaims. “I remember when Blake called me to tell me you were pregnant; even though he was worried and there obviously were some complicated things going on at the time, I could always tell you were something incredibly special to him. Hell, from the first time I met you, I knew this was right. Blakey had found the right one and I’m glad he saw it too.”

Blake chuckles. “You know I’m right here, right?”

“Yes, and that’s where you should stay.” Dot comments, smiling up at her son.

“I’m not planning on going anywhere and they know it.”

 _They_. Gwen can’t help but whisk away a stray tear, her hormones making her wholly unprepared for a moment like this.

“We do know it.” Gwen says softly, finding his mother’s gaze again. “Thank you for everything, and Dot—please promise us you’ll take it easy these days. Even when we go back to LA. We really need you to be okay.”

His mom gasps, squeezing her hand before looking up at Blake again.

“You two are two peas in a pot.” She chuckles, shaking her head. “But yes, Gwen. Of course, I’m gonna be careful, darling. Don’t think I’m gonna risk letting anything get between me meeting my gorgeous grandson.”

Blake smiles. “We love you, mom.”

When Dot initiates a group hug with them both, Gwen feels for the first time in perhaps ever, that she’s part of something more than love—more than words.

 _A family_.


	28. You're Enough

_“Blake, calm down sweetheart.”_

_He shakes his head, his hand balled up into a fist while his elbow rest on the dinner table. His food is getting cold as he hasn’t touched a single thing, and the glass of whiskey is teetering on empty as his mom tries to talk him off the ledge._

_“I can’t calm down.” He responds, voice fiery. “She lied. She goddamn lied.”_

_“You know why she did though, don’t you?”_

_The question feels like a literal slap to the face, his eyes widening._

_“Are you serious?” He barks, desperately trying to calm the raging fire spreading through his veins. “Are you really taking her side right now?”_

_“Sweetheart, I’m not trying to— “_

_“No.” He cuts her off, voice more aggressive than he meant for it to come out. “Tell me; you think she made the right decision keeping this from me?”_

_“Allow me to answer it this way…” His mother starts carefully, sighing deeply. “Did you pour yourself a strong one after she told you?” There’s a bit of fidgeting on the other end of the line before it calms down, Dot’s voice cutting through the silence once more. “Answer me. Are you staring at a glass of whiskey right now?”_

_His breathing intensifies, the ragged rhythm applying uncomfortable pressure to his chest, the weight of the world crashing down on him._

_H_ _is eyes glare down at the alcohol in front of him, now nearly empty, and he’s filled with momentarily disgust._

_“She should’ve told me.” He answers, but he knows his voice is weak, his argument even weaker._

_“Maybe.” His mom concedes. “But Blake, the woman you love just told you she’s pregnant and instead of being there for her, you’re drinking and cussing her out over the phone with me.”_

_“I’ve been there for her.” He retorts immediately, thoughts running wild. “I’ve been at the hospital with her all night, I forgave her, I— “_

_“Did you forgive her?” Dot interrupts, her voice firm. “Because it sounds to me like you’re just angry with her and you’re unwilling to see her point of view.”_

_“I’m talking about this to you so I won’t say any of these things to her. I’m starting to regret doing that, though."_

_His mother’s low chuckle sounds painful and confrontational in his ear._

_“You know that’s not how this works.” She offers him. “Speaking these words to me instead of to her is just going to fill you with resentment.”_

_Blake closes his eyes, trying to figure out how he went from spending the night in the hospital with Gwen, crying and talking and forgiving, to drinking alone at his dinner table, filled with anger he thought he’d let go of for her sake._

_“She’s staying with her brother for a while longer and I know I told her to do it, but….” He shakes his head. “It shouldn’t be like this, mom. She should be here with me. She should’ve told me from the start. I shouldn’t have to find out something like this because she suffered a complication. I don’t even know if she would’ve told me had nothing happened that night. How is that right?”_

_“It’s not right. But you can’t create a difficult situation for someone and then blame them for making a difficult decision.”_

_“Okay, so it’s just ALL my fault?” He shoots back, knowing better yet reaching for the glass in front of him anyway, bringing the rim to his lips. “Good to know.”_

_“You’re not listening to me.” Dot says, and the frustration in her voice is enough for Blake to swallow a large sip of whiskey, basking in the feeling of it gliding down his throat. “This is not about whose fault it is. It’s about intentions. Gwen’s intentions were pure, no matter how hard you try to deny that. She not only tried to keep you safe; she has a baby to look after now too.”_

_Blake slams down his glass forcefully. “And that’s why she should’ve told me. We could’ve looked out for our baby together.”_

_“Then you go see her right now and tell her she made a mistake. Go tell her that you never would’ve reacted the way she feared you would. But I think you and I both realize that you can’t, because the minute you show up at her doorstep tonight, you’d be proving her right.”_

_He shakes his head, slumping back in his chair with the weight of that truth slamming into him._

_“I need her to know she can count on me.” He sighs, grabbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “If she doesn’t believe in me, how in the hell are we going to raise a child together? How can I know she’ll even want to?”_

_“Honey, she told you.” His mom states slowly. “She told you and then she let you stay in the hospital with her. From what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like she was saying goodbye to you. It sounds like she was welcoming you back.”_

_He closes his eyes, feeling tears pool behind his lids._

_“I really do love her, mom.”_

_Dot hums sweetly in response. “I know you do, sweetheart. It’s written all over your face. Just make sure it’s written all over your actions too.”_

_He nods, the fight slowly draining out of him._

_“Todd and I have been texting about going to NA again tomorrow.”_

_“That’s good.” His mother says, though the silence that follows her statement suggests otherwise. “Blake, honey…. are you sure that hanging out with her brother isn’t going to lead you down the wrong path?”_

_“It’s not like that— “_

_“I’m sure it’s not.” Dot interrupts, sounding nervous suddenly. “I know that it feels like he’s given you purpose, like you can finally understand why you had to go through the things you did, but I also know that people are more powerful than we like to give them credit for. In both good and bad ways.”_

_“He’s trying like hell to stay clean.” Blake responds, almost feeling like his mother’s doubts about Todd are doubts directly about him. “I do feel like I can help him, but right not he’s helping me and that means something to me.”_

_Dot sighs. “If you say he’s good for you, I believe you.”_

_“I probably can’t get upset about the lack of faith in your voice.”_

_“When a glass shatters it always spreads. That’s not me blaming anyone, that’s just the truth.”_

_B_ _lake chuckles, though it’s not humorous._

_"_ _Did you just compare him to a glass?”_

_“I compare all human beings to a glass.” She retorts calmly. “We’re all just a bunch of fragile pieces fighting like hell not to shatter.”_

_Blake sighs._

_“Well, I hope you can trust me when I say I won’t shatter. I might mess up from time to time but I can’t break. If anything, I have to do it for them.”_

_“You do and I have all the faith in the world you can do this, Blake.” His mother sniffs quietly and he can tell she’s getting emotional. Blake swallows down the lump in his own throat at the sound of it. “You’re a good man and you found a good woman. I know things are weird and upsetting right now, but I know how much you’ve always dreamt of this moment. I just want to see you seize it.”_

_As hard as it is, he knows she’s right. This hasn’t just been a random accident, or something that he never even thought about. He might think the timing is off, but he’d be the biggest fool on the planet to let bad timing get in between his dreams._

_He nods, gripping the phone tightly in his hand._

_“I’m gonna make this right.” He says, never meaning the words more than he does right now._

_"_ _I know you will.” Dot replies. “And Blake?”_

_He hums._

_“Yeah?”  
  
“Throw out that glass in front of you, shatter it in the sink, and pray to God it wasn’t you this time.”_

* * *

_6 months pregnant_

\------------------

She's standing in front of the mirror in just her pyjamas, hem of her shirt pulled up with her right hand, her left tracing her growing stomach as she seems to study it. He thinks she looks gorgeous as always, but the look on her face, which he catches through the reflection in the mirror, shows him she’s once again not on the same page about that. 

The door cracks open even further as Blake appears into the bedroom, making his presence known. Even in the dim lighting he can see her eyes on him in the mirror, her gaze holding so much insecurity it promptly ushers him forward. 

"Gwen.” He rasps, drawing nearer. As he approaches, he can see the tears that linger. The liquid reflects in the pale light, but he can see through it, can see how her beautiful brown eyes are haunted. "Baby.” He starts to console as he steps up behind her. His arms wrap around her from behind, his mouth placing a kiss on her cheek. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Talk to me.”

She breaks then, folding in on herself, twisting around and curling into his side. His arms rise of their own volition, wrapping around her and holding her close.

Fresh tears slip from the corners of her eyes and her shoulders shudder gently beneath his touch. His left hand trails over her arm, a rhythmical sweeping motion as his right raises to cup the side of her head, fingers weaving into her hair.

He presses a kiss to the top of her head, closes his eyes and focuses on projecting an aura of calm. He doesn't know what exactly is bothering her, though he has a fairly good idea. But he also knows that he won't get anything out of her until she has a chance to work through it on her own.

And if a hug and some time is what she needs, he's more than happy to provide.

It's a long moment before she speaks, and when she does the words are barely a whisper. 

"I’m not like all the other girls."

He frowns, his hold on her tightening. 

"What?"

"Other girls you’ve been with." She clarifies. "I’m not like them and I don’t _look_ like them. It scares me.”

"What are you talking about?” He asks, tugging her closer. "I mean, you’re _not_ like any other girl I’ve been with but that’s a good thing. You’re also way out of my league, so thanks for point that out." He jokes, hoping to lighten the mood and take care of some of the tension in her body. 

She shakes her head against his shoulder.

"You're not."

"Gwen, baby..."

"You’re not out of my league at all, you’re _everything_ and you could have _anyone_." She chokes, drawing in a gasping breath. He listens as she forces herself to exhale slowly.

“Where is this coming from?"

Her eyes focus on the hand that rests on his bicep and the way her fingers trace aimless patterns over his skin. 

“I had the phone interview today. For the magazine spread.”

Blake closes his eyes, mentally kicking himself. “Shit. I forgot. Baby I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” She brushes it off. “It went horrible anyway.”

“Why do you say that?” He asks.

“Cause it’s true.” She whispers. “She started asking me about your dating history and if it ever scared me how much of ladies’ man you are and how I handle the pressure of living up to those standards….and I realized I’m _not_. I’m not handling it all. I don’t feel like I can live up to your standards, Blake. I don’t feel like myself, I don’t _look_ like myself and fuck, I couldn’t even blame you if you were tempted to look elsewhere and— “

“Woah, hey stop. Cut it out.” The slightly forceful words are enough to stop her ranting and though he doesn’t want to push too much with her in this fragile state, he’s desperate to get through to her. “I could never cheat on you Gwen. And please don’t ever say you’d understand if I did. You can’t honestly believe that.”

She opens her mouth to protest and then allows it to fall closed again when no words come out. Blake hugs her more tightly in hopes of getting her to speak.

“Everyone else did.” She whispers, another year falling from her eyes.

“Gwen.” He says softly, speaking her name like a balm against the panic that's rising within her. “I’m not like anyone else either. I don’t want anybody _but_ you. When are you gonna realize that I’m totally and utterly in love with _you_?”

“What if you change your mind?”

"We could spend all night drowning in what-ifs, but they won't get us anywhere."

She jerks out of his arms, breath staggering.

“So you can’t even deny you could possibly change your mind?”

Blake’s eyes widen as he watches her succumb to insecurity once more, his words not only misconstrued but completely disregarded. 

He wants to reach for her again, but he figures this time it might be best for her to come to him. 

“You’re insecure, I don’t blame you after all you’ve been through.” He says. “Some of it even with me. I haven’t always put you first and I worried you, scared you even. I’m sorry about that. But if I wanted anyone else, I wouldn’t be here right now. If I thought I could change my mind, I wouldn’t be wasting our time by pretending.”

“I feel ugly.” She admits on a painful whisper, her tormented features making him wince. “I feel undesirable and sad.”

“I know you do.” He says softly, taking a small step forward and exhaling a relieved sigh when she closes the distance and hugs him again. His hand moves to her hair, stroking softly. “I know it’s a lot and this pregnancy isn’t easy on you. But you did the right thing by talking to me, darling. Now let me be there for you.”

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” She cries, grabbing his shirt between her small fist. 

“It won’t be like this forever, sweetheart.” He gently coaxes her, unsure of how to console her about something so personal, something he knows is so deep-rooted. It’s gonna take some time to heal even after her pregnancy hormones are no longer a thing. “Listen, I will tell you anything you want, answer any question you might have about my past if you think that would help you. I told you I’d be there for you and I mean it. Whatever you need. But before you take me up on that, I would love to have this conversation while I hold you in bed. Is that okay with you?”

She looks up at him, her gaze showing surprise but no objection.

“ _Yes_.” She whispers, letting him lead her towards the bed as he pulls back the covers and allows her to settle in first.

He knows she’s had a long day and she’s feeling drained. The most important thing is that she finds some rest, even if they end up talking most of the night away. He wants her comfortable. 

He’s quick to change into his sleep attire, slipping under the covers so he can hold her against him. Her body crawls closer to him, her head on his chest and one of her hands wandering across his stomach. 

He grabs her wandering hand briefly and raises it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her fingertips before placing it on his chest again. 

“What was your ex like?” She whispers, and to his own surprise he feels little to no tension whatsoever at the mention of her. 

“She was intense.” He replies, his hand sliding to her lower back. “Very confrontational, always locked and loaded, ready for a fight. Even if there was none to be had.”

“Where did you meet her?”

“Backstage at one of my shows. We were both country artists so we hung around in the same scene with a lot of the same people. She stayed behind to watch my show once and I offered her a drink. A drink that cost me way more than I was planning to lose.”

Gwen breathes quietly against him, her voice dropping to a serious murmur next. 

“You must’ve liked her at _some_ point.”

“Oh I loved her.” Blake responds quickly. “I loved her a lot. But she didn’t love me nearly as much and a relationship just can’t work that way. Trust me, I’ve tried and I never intend on doing that again.”

She leans into him more, her face coming to rest in the crook of his neck. Blake wraps his arm around her as fully as he can, while he awaits her next response.

“Do you ever miss the times where you could just be wild, do whatever you wanted with no one at home waiting for you?”

He shakes his head, his mind spinning with how she’s asking all the questions he thought where so obvious already.

“You mean do I miss fucking around and then coming home and realizing I’m lonely as hell?” He chuckles bitterly. “Baby, I thank God I’m not in that space anymore. There’s nothing better than the thought of coming home to you.”

“What about the reporter?” She whispers. “That Lea girl?”

“What about her?”

“You thought about going home with her.”

“Not for a second.” He responds, not missing a beat.

“Blake, you don’t have to lie about it. I’ve read the interview.” Gwen adds softly, her hand lying dormant on his chest.

“You want the whole truth?” Blake asks, knowing the answer already. When he feels her nod gently against him, he inhales deeply and continues. “I was scared by the magnitude of feelings I started feeling for you and felt the familiar fear of disappointing you crashing into me. Instead of dealing with it like a man, I dealt with it as a boy and tried to distract myself from what I was feeling. From the moment I started talking to that woman, I knew I wanted nothing less than to go home with her.”

“But you— “

“She reminded me of something of my old life.” He interrupts, squeezing her arm in apology. “She reminded me of nothing that I wanted in my current one.”

Gwen stutters out a broken sigh, wrapping herself even closer around him.

“I want to make you happy.” She says, biting her lip. “I want to make this worth your while. I know you’ve struggled and you probably still do and I don’t want you to feel like I’m expecting you to be perfect. I don’t want you to secretly miss what you had.”

Blake closes his eyes, pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

“You make me _so_ happy, Gwen. I can’t even put in words how much brighter my life’s gotten with you in it. I’m not gonna be perfect, you’re right about that, but I’m gonna do whatever the hell I need to do to be perfect for you.”

Gwen sniffs. “I’m sorry I’m so emotional. I know that getting this insecure and clingy is the _opposite_ of attractive.”

Blake settles his hand on her shoulders, thumb curling over the peak of the bones as he guides her back enough so she can meet his eyes.

“All I see is the woman I love being brave enough to be vulnerable with me. And I don’t know how many more times I’ll have to tell you this— but I’ll gladly do it until it settles in; you’re always attractive to me. I don’t care if you’re crying or dressed in a garbage bag. You’re the love of my life. And you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. You’re literally _always_ attractive to me.”

Gwen doesn't reply immediately, but he can tell by the unevenness of her breathing that she's fighting her emotions once again. He's starting to feel it wash over him now, too. The magnitude of his feelings for her shaking his being in the most spiritual and overwhelming ways possible. 

“I think I sometimes also feel this way because of _him_.” She admits softly, causing his arm to tighten around her. Though her admission is no surprise to him, he makes no attempt to stop or interrupt her. “And I don’t mean to think like that, but I just can’t help it sometimes.”

“I know it’s difficult for you, but I’m not him.” He says gently. “I would never cheat on you.”

She shakes her head, exhaling loudly.

“It’s not just that. I know you’re not like him.”

He nudges her softly.

“Then what is it?”

She looks up at him, her eyes still watery.

“When you get cheated on a bunch of times, you start to feel like…” She bites her lip, casting her gaze down again, but Blake won’t let her completely break the intimate gaze they’ve got going on. “Like maybe there’s a reason for it. Like maybe I’m not that loveable or desirable.”

He feels the pain of that statement deep inside his chest, wishing he could reach into hers and rip all the trauma out once and for all.

“ _Darling_ …” He sighs, pulling her even closer until she’s practically laying on top of him, her gaze still connected to his. “You are the most lovable person I’ve ever met. I’m not kidding, Gwen. It’s hard for me to even put into words how easy it is for me to love you. How overwhelming it is.”

“Will you tell me if I ever become too much for you?”

“You could never be too much for me.”

She sighs. “But _if_ , Blake. Would you tell me?”

Knowing it’s an answer she’s gonna keep prying for, needing the reassurance, he nods softly.

“I would never keep anything from you.”

She deflates against his chest, exhaling, seemingly content with his answer for now.

“Thank you.” She whispers, stifling a yawn.

“You’re tired.” He states, adjusting them so she becomes the little spoon, knowing it’s her favorite way to fall asleep.

Her hand reaches for his leg, gripping onto him.

“Blake.”

“Right here, sweetheart.” He kisses the back of her head, letting her know he’s not going anywhere; not tonight, not ever. "Close your eyes. I’ve got you now."

He releases the words into the darkness, only hearing her shaky exhale in reply.


	29. Sobered Up?

She wakes up feeling different, _lighter_ , as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Something inside her melts as Blake turns on his side to face her, his hand cupping her jaw tenderly.

She had just woken up, eyes still puffy from her sleep, but there’s nothing better than waking up with his warm touches on her skin.

Life has been a bunch of goals for her, for as long as she can remember; being successful at her job, keeping Todd in line, fixing her relationships, writing songs before a deadline, holding on to her sanity, becoming a mother.

Lying here in this bed, she’s for the first time without _any_ goals.

As she’s going through that realization internally, Blake’s eyes are always on her. His pools of deep blue are focused solely on her.

“Good morning, sweetheart.”

“Morning.” She rasps, her morning voice in full effect.

“You know, I’ve heard that it’s bad to think this hard, first thing in the morning.” He teases, his thumb tracing her bottom lip and his eyebrow quirking.

“I was just thinking how everything is kinda how I imagined it should be, but never truly believed it _would_ be.”

He wraps his arm tightly around her, their legs intertwined beneath the sheets. He presses a kiss to the top of her head, cradling her to his chest.

“I feel the same way.” He says, inhaling deeply. “And that’s weird for me considering I barely ever dared to dream about how it should be.”

She looks up at him from her place against his chest.

“Everyone dreams about what their life should be.”

He shrugs. “I think I learned very early on that doing that only caused me disappointment. As you know, I don’t have a great track record with that emotion.”

It’s still a mystery to her how one of the best people in the world, could have such a toxic relationship with disappointment, to the point where he’d rather risk to lose everything than to face the emotion head on. He could never truly disappoint her, but she knows his real sorrow comes from disappointing himself.

“Do you know…” She trails off, unsure about heading the conversation into a certain direction, not wanting to ruin the beautiful mood she woke up in.

He nods, encouraging her to go on.

“Do you know why that’s become such a huge thing for you?” She asks softly, tracing the skin of his chest with her finger.

“I’ve always traced it back to losing my brother at fourteen.” He responds, his hand stilling on her lower back. Gwen has heard the story in anything but detail, and she refrained from asking about it ever since, remembering how it tensed Blake up. Hearing him offer pieces of it up himself now is the greatest proof of his development. “It was just Endy and I now, and though En always knew what she wanted, it was me who had the huge, nearly unrealistic dreams. I knew that I could either go and become something great, or I could become this family’s greatest disappointment. It was always supposed to be Richie, you know? It’s not fair for anyone to go and try and fill his shoes.”

“I’m sure your mother would’ve been proud no matter what career path you would’ve gone down, Blake.” Gwen says softly, her heart aching by the words he speaks.

“That’s just it, babe.” He counters. “There wasn’t any other career path I wanted to go down. It was always just this for me. I didn’t know where I was gonna end up if this career wouldn’t work out for me, but I knew it wasn’t gonna be something to be proud of.”

Gwen shakes her head. “Do you really think your own mom would see it that way?”

“I don’t know.” He admits honestly, his voice soft. “But I knew it’s how _I_ would see it. With my brother gone and my parents divorcing, I was the only man in the house and I always told myself that if I couldn’t at least be half the man my brother and father were, I would’ve failed. Then I go on and become a singer like I told everyone I would, and I still feel this pressing fear of failure and disappointing…”

“And you realize that it’s a feeling you can’t escape.” She whispers sadly.

He nods. “A feeling I couldn’t escape unless I got high.”

She pulls her hand up to cup his face, guiding him towards her so she can place a soft kiss on his lips.

“You’re so good.” She whispers against his mouth, kissing him again. “And no matter what you do, I’m always gonna be so proud of you.”

She can feel a deep swell of pride and love rushing through her, even at just speaking those words, Blake’s lips placing soft and nimble kisses on her mouth and cheek only prolonging that feeling.

One of his hands slides under the covers, finding her stomach blindly. She chuckles at feeling him there again, his obsession with doing that absolutely melting her from the inside.

“Can I ask _you_ something now?” He asks sweetly, pulling away from her lips to look her in the eyes.

She bites her lip and nods. “Always.”

“How would you feel about going public with the pregnancy?”

She’s startled by the question, momentarily tensing in his hold. It’s not that she doesn’t want to go public, but living in this precious bubble with Blake had been so incredibly nice, she’s not sure she’s ready to give that up yet.

“If this is about my insecurities from last night— “

“It’s not.” He interrupts, caressing her cheek. “But it _is_ about the fact that you’re doing your interviews over the phone now cause you can no longer hide your stomach and the sneaking around so no one can take a picture—I just don’t see how it’s worth it, besides….”

She feels nervous suddenly, as Blake’s not the one to cut himself off often.

“Besides, what?” She inquires, feeling the tension move through her body.

“Besides why would we hide it in the first place?” He looks at her intensely, cupping her jaw gently. “I am so thrilled to become a father, and not just that, but to become a parent with _you_. I don’t want to hide that from the world. Do you?”

She gasps. “Blake, of course I don’t want to hide it….”

“Then let’s stop hiding.” He says with a smile, pulling her closer. “I don’t want you worrying about how to get out of an interview or appearance anymore, I don’t want you to have to lie to the people you work with any longer. I just want us to be able to live out in the open, without any restrictions.”

She feels herself getting emotional, despite the nerves that are still trying to convince her it’s too soon.

“The media will have a field day with this.” She tells him, wanting to be sure he’s thought of everything. “You know how they reacted when they found out we were dating.”

“And we survived that too, didn’t we?” He’s still smiling, her rebuttal seemingly having done nothing to change his mind. “Baby, if you don’t want to, we don’t do it. But I say we just live our lives the way we want to, without giving power to outside voices.”

Though she’s still nervous, she knows it’s something she can’t hide much longer. And Blake’s right—she doesn’t even want to.

“Okay.” She nods, cracking a smile now. “Yeah, we should make the announcement.”

Blake’s eyes widen. 

“ _Yeah?_ You sure?”

She kisses him again, unable to help herself.

“You’re right. I don’t want to keep hiding this like it’s a dirty secret or something. I want to make the announcement.”

He gently moves her to lay on her back, using his arms to keep him up and hovering above her, careful not to apply too much pressure.

“I love you so much, Gwen.” His voice is soft and raspy, something that happens whenever he gets overwhelmed or emotional.

Her finger traces the stubble on his jaw.

“I love you so much more, Blake Shelton.”

She shudders when he trails kisses down her neck and chest, moving her oversized band-tee up so he can lick around her nipple.

As he wanders more south, she realizes he’s not planning on stopping anytime soon, and though it’s a path she knows like the back of her hand, she still finds herself asking what he’s planning on doing.

“Where are you going?” She grins, biting her lip as he gently parts her legs and kisses her naval.

“ _Heaven_.” He teases, right before he starts kissing her inner thigh.

He makes a hoarse sound when her hands move to the back of his head, nails already scraping against his scalp as he teases her close to where she wants him the most. She throws her head back the minute his tongue darts out to touch her _there_ , deep licks caressing her center.

He chuckles a little as her thighs buck, slipping his tongue into her. He hikes her legs up onto his shoulders, shifting their positions slightly so he can thrust his tongue into her deeper.

“Oh fuck!” She hisses, crying out his name a few times as she feels like she’s floating. He wraps his mouth around her clit once, making her back arch as she cries out again.

She struggles to catch her breath, the way his mouth moves making every nerve in her body come to live. Her head tilts, eyes meeting his for a moment.

He smirks, pulling away. 

“Tell me what you want.”

Her legs are shaking and she’s pretty sure she’s dripping for him, desperate to get him to finish what he started.

“Keep…going...” She struggles to force the words out, sighing when he kisses her leg instead of complying with her request.

“You want me to lick you here?” He asks smugly, placing a soft kiss on her inner thigh, nibbling at the soft skin.

She grunts, trying to buck up at him, but his hold on her is strong.

“Blake, please.”

“Please what? What do you want?” He continues his torture, kissing right below her stomach. “You’re not telling me what to do.”

“I told you what I wanted.” She gasps, her thighs trying to close a bit as he kisses right on top of her center.

“Be clear.” He instructs her, still holding her legs open, his breath hitting her most sensitive parts.

“Make me cum.” She whispers, her hand tightening on the back of his head. “Please Blake, I need it so bad.”

He has mercy on her this time, licking her clit in one smooth stroke before thrusting it inside her. It has her back curling again, her nails scratching at him.

“Yes baby, like that.”

He hums, obviously proud of himself for getting her to make those sounds, her breath hitching as an obvious sign she’s getting close. He makes one more raspy request for her to look at him, his hands grabbing for hers as he intertwines their fingers. She whimpers as he slightly twists his tongue against her, finally succumbing to him and his eager mouth.

He holds her steady gaze as he grips her hands tighter, fucking her with his tongue, lapping up every drop when she lets go. She’s sure he can feel her thighs quiver against his ears as he slows his licks, allowing her to come down.

“ _Oh my God_.” She gasps, his mouth still occasionally licking at her making her buck in overstimulation, her hands squeezing his.

He carefully starts to slide up her body, hovering over her again before he kisses her deeply.

“You taste so fucking good.” He murmurs against her mouth.

She smiles wickedly before softly nibbling at his bottom lip. 

“ _Yeah_ , I do.”

Knowing she just tasted herself off his lips before making the remark has him tenting deliciously against her, and she can’t think of anything else but getting these damn boxers off him.

Blake seems to have a similar idea as he kisses her again, their moans mixing and muffling against each other as he slowly pushes her legs open further for him. Her hands slide down his arms, smoothing them back up to curl around his neck.

Pressing his forehead to hers, he looks at her for confirmation, momentarily halting his desire to go full speed ahead.

She nods softly. 

“Make love to me, baby.”

He moves slowly, thrusting his hips, as he kisses her to catch her cry. It’s always different with him, the intimacy, the way he fills her more than anyone else ever has. His hand wraps around the pillow her head is laying on, his body moving into hers as deep and slow as he can.

Her nails snap into the skin of his shoulder blades, his name rolling off her tongue repeatedly. She whimpers when he moves one of his hands under her knee. He lifts and presses, wrapping her leg around his back.

He’s even deeper in now, and the move has her crying out against his mouth.

“You feel so good.” He murmurs, her nails cutting into his back and he grunts in time with the slaps of their skin. “So tight.”

“ _Blake_.” She whimpers, her hips rising to meet his.

She’s still sensitive from her first orgasm and she knows it won’t be long before she comes for him again. She wants to hold out, knowing he’s not quite there yet, but her body shudders against him uncontrollably, her hands tightening on his shoulders.

“Oh God.”

“Come for me.” He whispers, moving in harder and deeper. “You know I need you to come for me.”

He kisses her again and it’s all she needs to tighten around him once more, breathing heavily. Her climax is what sets him off too, roaring a hoarse version of her name as he comes, firing into her.

He kisses her slowly as he waits until her shaking has subsided. She loves when he lets her come down this way, which is basically always. He doesn’t pull out too soon, or pull away too sudden. He is always right there, whether she’s riding through her high or crashing down from it.

She smiles at him, kissing him twice as he pulls out of her with a low growl, falling onto his back.

“You’re amazing.” She whispers, unable to move yet, but needing the words to be spoken.  
  
He doesn’t move either, but his hand sliding back over her stomach is all the reaction she needs.

* * *

  
He's surprised to see her actually _listening_ to him. 

He told her to stay on the couch, letting him take care of lunch, while making her promise she wouldn't try to butt in. He knows it's hard for Gwen to give up some control, to let someone take care of her, but he's happy to see her actively trying these days,

They both know her pregnancy is a difficult one, and even with things seemingly slowing down for a while, there's been too much stress put on her ever since getting pregnant. 

After the active and delicious morning they had, Gwen had felt tired and sore, and though he wouldn't change this morning for the world, he does feel a little guilty for perhaps pushing her too far. 

Her legs are swung on the couch, laying stretched out while she has the remote control securely on her lap on top of the blanket. An episode of Sex and the City seems to be her current form of entertainment, and Blake could spend all day just watching her like this. 

Relaxed, soft, content. 

He makes her a grilled cheese sandwich while occasionally glancing over to her in the living room. She's too focused on the tv to catch him staring and he smirks softly at that. 

When he walks out with a small pink plate and a glass of fresh orange juice, she finally looks up at him. 

"God, do I have the most amazing boyfriend or not?" She rubs her hands before sitting up straighter and setting the plate on her lap. "I think me and the little guy are ready for some food."

"Good." Blake smiles, patting her legs to get her to retract them a little, making room for him. She does so immediately, but before she can think of settling in like that, Blake's hand gently grab her ankles and stretches her back out. 

She sighs contently, taking a bite of her sandwich. 

"You know..." She says after swallowing her mouth full. "Since we talked about a pregnancy announcement this morning, do you think we should maybe talk about something else?"

Her small, excited voice makes him smile. 

"What did you have in mind, baby girl?"

She blushes. "The baby is six months now, in a few months we'll welcome him to the world and I don't know.... have you thought about a name yet?"

The question throws him off, not expecting it.

Things have been so chaotic lately, baby names have kind of escaped him. _Her_ too it seems, as they're having this conversation for the first time right now.

"Oh, I...." Blake stammers, looking at her. "I've spent so much time being worried about other things, I haven't even..."

"It's okay." She smiles, motioning for him to shift on the couch so she can lay in between his legs, back against his chest. When she's satisfied with their position, she grabs the plate back on her lap. "We've both been thinking about other things. Plus we've been calling him all kind of pet names, it's been kinda cute."

"We could just call him 'buddy', save ourselves the trouble."

"Or 'little guy'." She giggles. 

"What are you thinking?" He asks, seriously. 

She shrugs. "That's the thing, I'm thinking too hard and I'm blanking." 

He nuzzles her neck, inhaling the scent of her fruity shampoo.

"I keep telling you to stop cracking your brain so much."

She pouts. "It's not that easy, cowboy."

"I know." He exhales softly.

"Unless you agree on distracting me every time it happens." She whispers darkly, cocking her head at him. "The only times I don't seem to be thinking too hard, is when you're inside me."

Blake grunts against her neck, feeling himself tighten in his pants at her teasing. 

"Don't tempt me." He whispers roughly. "I won't let us leave the bedroom. Ever."

She giggles again, setting the plate aside, and shifting herself in his arms. 

"I think we need to save this baby name conversation for another time and just make out for a while." She smiles, pulling his head down to hers. “Maybe it’ll inspire us.”

Kissing Gwen. He can’t think of a better way to spend his day.

And it proves to be as amazing as he knew it would be. Even when they part with quiet laughter as she yawned against his mouth, unable to stifle it.

That’s how they spent most of the day; lounging around, Gwen nearly falling asleep on the couch as Blake makes sure he attends to her every need.

He knows it’s not something she’d ever ask for, but he likes taking care of her. It’s not often that she lets him, at least not like this.

It’s not until after dinner that she falls asleep properly, the blanket draped softly across her body. Blake's features soften as he looks at her, finishing the dishes and kneeling by her side. His hand strokes her hair gently, momentarily distracted when his phone starts buzzing. 

The name on his display screen surprises him even more. As he opens the text, his heart rate speeds up, his urge to wake Gwen up a great one. Yet his desire to let her sleep and spare her some stress when it's not even sure yet it's necessary, is even _greater_. 

He makes a split-second decision then. He stands up quickly, walking over to the book shelf to pick out a small notebook. He's careful when ripping out a blank page, scribbling a quick note to her. 

He kisses Gwen’s forehead, adjusting the blanket once to make sure she's comfortable. His chest is filled with pressure as he walks out of the front door. His eyes glance down at his phone one more time, for a final confirmation that he’s doing the right thing.

_Blake, it's Jen. I think Todd is going to do something he shouldn't. He left the house in a frenzy and I don't know where he's going. Please help me find him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not really a cliffhanger because you know what's about to happen..


	30. Help Me Get Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Few angsty chapters ahead.

He’s been driving with no end in sight; the roads blurring together as it makes him tighten his hands around the steering wheel. He passes road signs that show the miles he’s been racing, the adrenaline in his chest reminding him of times he wishes he could erase from his brain completely.

He might not live that life anymore, but he can still _feel_ it, and every so often it penetrates his chest and claws at his heart to the point of novocaine.

The street lights reflect in his windshield, forcing him to squint his eyes, the speed in which he’s driving making him silently curse the tickets he knows await him later.

But if there’s one thing he’s not, it’s confused. He knows where he’s headed. He also never wanted to be proved wrong more, in his entire life.

The road narrows, the car taking a sharp left as he enters the shady neighbourhood, right towards the type of environment he swore he’d never set foot in again. 

No matter how flashy your life gets, getting high is a cheap thrill, and cheap thrills send you down the rabbit hole. Every man is the same when they’re high and desperate, and though you might sniff it elsewhere, you’re bound to run into each other at some point in your quest of obtaining it.

He might never been at _this_ house, but he’s been at _a_ house, and he knows what he’ll find inside is no different from what he used to call entertainment.

He slows the car down, his eyes boring a hole in the “no trespassing” sign. 

He feels bad for using Todd’s admissions in NA against him while trying to find him, but one single thought of Gwen is enough to usher him out the car and towards the back entrance of the large Californian home. 

The wooden gate is cracked open and it takes less than two steps onto this property before a dog starts barking from its outside bench.

Blake rubs the back of his neck, praying that they do things differently here than they do in the South. The large glass doors are slid open as a man in a suit appears, a smug look and displeased expression lingering on his features.

“I don’t remember inviting any strangers to the party.” The man says casually, folding his arms.

“I’m here for Todd. And before you feed me any bullshit lies, I know he’s here, so why don’t you go ahead and get him for me.”

The man chuckles, biting his lip. 

“He did cancel on me a few times, which was surprising to say the least. I figured it must’ve been one hell of a pussy to get him to quit this all this, but it was just _you_?” The guy clicks his tongue. “Gotta say I’m a little disappointed.”

Blake fights the urge to tackle the man to the ground, taking a few steps forward.

“I promise you, you don’t want to get in a pissing match with me. So you either get Todd out here right now or I’m calling the cops. I bet it’s gonna take you a hell of a lot longer to get all the incriminating shit out of your place then it’s gonna take them to show up at your doorstep. It’s up to you.”

The man eyes him for a few seconds before lowering his arms, rolling his eyes.

“Calm down, man. No need to be this uptight.” He turns his back to Blake, shouting Todd’s name into the large house. The smell of alcohol and weed is almost overwhelming as the door gets slid open a bit further, the hairs on the back of his neck rising.

It takes only a minute for a dishevelled looking Todd to appear into view, his shirt sweaty and eyes red. Blake can even see the slight shake of his hands, indicating he’s already too late to stop Gwen’s brother from doing worse than weed.

“Todd, let’s go.” Blake says, willing his voice to calm down. “We’re going home.”

To his surprise, he doesn’t fight it. In the contrary, he says nothing as he steps over the threshold that separates the door from the patio. The guy’s hand pushes against Todd‘s chest before he can get any further, making Blake’s hands ball into fists at his side.

“Damn, you’re leaving us this early?” The man shakes his head. “Since when do you need a babysitter?”

Todd swallows roughly, lowering his hand off his chest as he approaches Blake. 

“He’s right. I shouldn’t have come.”

Blake doesn’t give him the time to change his mind, his hand going to Todd‘s back as he guides him towards his car. Something else is shouted as they leave, but he wills himself to block it out. 

He forces the fence shut loudly, in a way to shut that part of both their lives out, but one look at Todd completely shatters that illusion.

“I’m not going home.” Todd says suddenly, coming to a halt in front of his car. 

“What are you talking about?” Blake responds harshly, shaking his head. “I don’t care what you say, I’m taking you home.”

“You’re not.” 

“What the fuck?” Blake runs a hand through his hair, shooting him a desperate look. “You came with me, you just said— “

“I said what I had to... to get out of there.” Todd stammers, voice rough. “But I’m not going home.”

Blake shakes his head, and in two steady strikes finds him in front of the intoxicated man, roughly grabbing his shoulders. 

“What the hell did you do?” He hisses, his hand grabbing the back of his neck. “Todd, fucking look at me. What the hell did you do?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” He whispers, biting the inside of his cheek. “I’m not like you. I can’t escape this. I don’t deserve to be with my family and I can’t go back.”

Blake is forced to let go when Todd fights against his hold and pulls himself away from him, quickly lowering himself onto the untamed grass next to the small driveway, body heaving as he tries to keep the contents of his stomach inside. 

“So that’s it?” Blake asks after the worst of Todd’s gagging has surpassed. “You’re just going to go out like this? Drunk and high out of your mind, not to mention pathetic.”

It’s the final piece of his sentence that gets Gwen’s brother back on his feet again, storming over to him.

“What did you just call me?”

The push against Blake’s chest was expected, but the feelings it brought with it were _not_.

Not only does he care for the man in front of him, he loves his sister and feels protective over Jen and the kids. He also can’t shake how eerie it makes him feel to be confronted with his old life again, even when it’s given shape a little differently.

“You heard me.” Blake counters, standing his ground. “You’re having a hard time and you’re letting it win. You’re walking away from your family, one who’s been with you through it all. Do you even know how fucking lucky you are to still have them all around?”

“Which is why I’m telling you I don’t deserve them.” He spits, nostrils flaring.

“The only thing you’re telling me is that you’re a coward and you’d rather spend your time in a fancy crack house than spending it with your beautiful wife and kids.”

He sees the right arm coming, Todd‘s delayed senses taking too long and giving Blake enough time to get a punch of his own in, landing square on his jaw. 

Todd staggers back at the impact, gripping at his nose before charging at him again. 

Blake grabs his arm and twists, pushing the guy against the side of his car. His free hand itches to punch him again and the grimace on Todd’s face let’s him know the other man is expecting nothing less.

“Give me one fucking reason not to.” Blake hisses angrily, pushing him against the closed car door again. “Because I swear to God, I will beat the shit out of you.”

The red trickling from Todd‘s nose catches his attention, but he doesn’t loosen his hold on him.

Todd sighs, ducking his head. 

“Do it.” He says, defeated. “Fucking do it, Blake. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore.”

Blake punches the roof of the car, trying to regain control over his raging emotions.

“Well, you oughta care, because your antics are currently robbing _me_ from spending time with my pregnant girlfriend.”

“Then go back to her.” Todd replies emotionlessly. “Leave me here, I don’t care. You don’t have to look after me.”

“As enticing as that offer sounds right now, I made your wife a goddamn promise.” He says, hoping to get through to him somehow. “Because while you were out doing _this_ , she was home still loving you through it. Begging me to find you and bring you home in one piece.”

A hint of emotion flashes in Todd‘s features as he looks up at him. 

“I don’t deserve her.”

“And I don’t disagree.” Blake says, inhaling sharply. “But for some reason she won’t quit you. And if that’s not a reason for you to quit _this_ , I don’t know what is.”

He can see the moment Todd physically gives up and he uses that moment to his advantage. He pulls Todd away from the car enough to open the door, waiting for him to get in the passenger’s seat. 

His intuition was right, because he climbs inside without any more prompting, his body and mind too tired to do much of anything.

Blake looks up at the sky before moving at all, swallowing down the lump in his throat before joining Todd in the confinement of his car.

* * *

“Where was he?” 

Jen rushes over to them, her hands cupping Todd’s face while tears stream down hers.

“Somewhere he had no business being.” Blake responds, deciding to spare Jen the details as he’s pretty sure she’s connecting the dots for herself.

“Can you help me get him upstairs?” She asks, wrapping one arm around Todd’s back.

Blake nods, mimicking her action yet taking most of the weight. 

The development happened during the drive over here. Todd had nearly lost consciousness, his body shutting down after most of the adrenaline had worn off.

They carefully get him up the stairs, Blake’s hand holding the bedroom door open as they stumble through it. Todd knocks over the beside lamp by accident, swaying when Jen’s hold on him loosens a little.

The door next to theirs creaks open and Jen’s eyes widen. “Oh my God, that’s— “

“I got it.” Blake says spontaneously, knowing that whatever Jen has to do next to get Todd into bed, won’t leave the intoxicated man with much dignity and Blake respects him too much to stay and watch anyway.

Jen nods gratefully, before Blake makes sure she’s got him. When he knows she does, he slowly turns to leave the room, closing the door just in time to shield what’s going on inside from Stella.

Through her sleepy gaze, he can see the fear and worry in her eyes, and for a second it makes him hate the man who reminds him so much of his old self.

“What are you doing up, sweetheart?” Blake asks, trying to sound as calm as possible, not willing to spook her.

“Is daddy okay?”

Blake sighs, lowering on his knees in front of her. 

“He’s having a hard time right now.” Blake admits, not wanting to insult the girl’s intelligence by claiming anything else. “But your mom is with him and she’ll take good care of him.”

Stella’s chin starts trembling and he doesn’t know if it’s because his parental instincts have activated now, but he can barely breathe at the sight.

“I’m scared.”

Blake nods, fighting the tears in his own eyes. 

“I know you are. And that’s okay.” He lets his hand softly cover her tiny arm. “You wanna know what I do when I’m scared?”

Stella looks up at him through glossy eyes, nodding.

“I think of something that makes me really happy and stick with that image until I fall asleep.” He says, smiling at her. “Do you think you can do that?”

The young girl seems to contemplate his words, sniffing. 

“I don’t know.” She whispers.

“That’s okay. Do you think you can try?” He asks then, his voice soft and comforting. “For me?” He adds with a smile, hoping the girl’s soft spot for him will work in his favor today.

Stella nods, eventually. 

Blake sighs in relief when she lets him guide her back to her bedroom, his eyes falling upon the dishevelled bed, as if she’d jumped out of there in a hurry. 

“Come on.” He encourages her gently, holding up the covers for her to crawl beneath. When she does, he makes sure to tuck her in, taking a few moments to sit next to her. 

Even in the dark, he can feel her gaze on him. 

“Do you think my dad is gonna be alright?” She whispers, his heart skipping a beat as she gently grabs his hand. 

Blake swallows roughly. “I think he’s going to feel a lot better when he wakes up in the morning and sees you and your brother. He loves you two very much, you know that?”

“ _Yeah_.” She whispers. “He says it all the time.”

Blake nods, squeezing her hand. “Sometimes adults make really bad choices and it can make you feel like maybe they don’t love you so much...”

“I just don’t want him to leave.” 

“Neither does he.” Blake sighs, using his free hand to softly stroke the girl’s hair. “He loves you very much and if there’s one thing I know he would hate for you to think, it's that he didn’t.”

Stella nods softly, a small yawn escaping her.

“Go to sleep, darling. Everyone’s okay now.”

And though it might not be the full truth, it’s the image _he’s_ sticking with so he can find some sleep tonight.

* * *

“Thank you for handling that.” Jen says at her front door, insisting on walking him out. “And for finding Todd. I don’t know how to thank you for everything you did tonight.”

“No need to thank me.” Blake brushes off. “I’m just glad he’s back home.”

Jen nods, biting her lip. 

“He was doing so much better...”

“I know.”

“I don’t know what to do. Every time I think he’s getting better, but he doesn’t. He’s just stalling. Holding off the inevitable.”

“Jen, I can’t tell you what to do.” Blake sighs, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “But I know that he was out of his mind, and fighting numbness the next, and the only thing that even got through to him a _little_ was the thought of you and the kids.”

“You saw Stella.” She says softly, whispering in case one of the kids woke up again. “I can’t put the children through any more of this.”

“Then you shouldn’t.” He says honestly. “I would hate for you to think that he didn’t love you or the kids, though.”

“I know he does.” 

It punches him in the gut, that admission, because he realizes that though she’s completely aware of his love for his family, it might not be enough anymore.

“I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Blake says, the only words that feel right to speak in a moment like this, though he’s fully aware they don’t fix anything.

She smiles sadly.

“Me too.”

“I should go home.” He says finally, reaching for his phone and realizing its way past midnight.

“About that...” Jen starts softly, an apologetic look covering her face. “I think it’s best if we don’t tell Gwen about this. At least not for now.”

Blake’s brow raises.

“Jen, I agreed to not tell her as I was leaving because I didn’t know what we were dealing with yet, but your brother had a full-on relapse. You can’t expect me to keep that from her.”

“She’s going through a high-risk pregnancy right now, Blake.” Jen reminds him, wincing. “She can’t handle any more stress and you know it.”

“I can’t lie to her.” Blake counters, desperately. 

“You’ve spent all night looking after my family.” She says softly, her eyes welling up. “Please, let me do the same for yours.”

He stares at her hard, the pressure in his chest coming back with a vengeance. 

“She deserves to know.” He gasps. “What am I supposed to tell her when I come home? I’ve been away for _hours_ ; not exactly something a running errands excuse is gonna cover.”

“What do you think is gonna happen if you tell her now?” Jen counters. “She will panic. She will drop everything to be here to take care of him again, or she’ll lose her shit and cuss him out. Either way, her blood pressure will spike and her stress levels will shoot out of control.”

Blake closes his eyes, pushing his tongue against the back of his teeth in frustration.

“Fuck.”

“I’m sorry.” She speaks quickly, shuddering out a breath. “I know this is putting you in a shitty position.”

“You know what, I gotta go. I need to go home and crawl next to her and remind myself that _this_ isn’t my life anymore.”

He doesn’t mean to confront Jen with the life she so badly wishes her husband would start to lead, but he can’t think straight and every thought in his brain is trying to render him useless.

He needs to get out of here before the walls start closing in on him even more.

She nods. “What are you gonna tell her?”

He turns to face the door, pushing the handle down as the cold air hits his face.

“I don’t know.” He sighs. “I pray to God this drive home will give me any fucking clarity about that.”

* * *

She turns around in the bed, the sheets feeling awfully cold without Blake in them. She had stayed up for a few hours after reading his note, but eventually gave in to her pregnancy fatigue and headed for the comfort of her bed.

Blake told her he had a few errands to run, and while it normally would’ve alarmed her, she’s happy to say she’s feeling quite relaxed with it now. Aside from missing his presence with her tonight, she’s at a place where she can safely trust and let her guard down, not constantly afraid of what might be going wrong.

Blake has been her rock ever since he learned of her pregnancy, even after she’d kept it from him initially. She knows that left a deep mark on his heart, that pain one he’ll most likely never forget. They both share scars and marks left by both each other and ghosts from the past, but their tightened bond and growing intimacy levels are like a balm covering old wounds.

She closes her eyes again, hoping to find some sleep, when the sound of the front door opening and closing hits her ears. A soft smile tugs at her lips at hearing Blake use the key she gave him. It’s not the first time he’s done it, but it never grows old. It makes her realize just how much she’s in love with her future as long as it involves Blake coming home to her and vice versa.

The bedroom door opens quietly, as he’s probably thinking she’s asleep and he doesn’t want to wake her. She glances over at the nightstand clock, momentarily confused as she sees it’s nearly two-thirty am.

She trusts him, but she also knows it’s too late to have been doing some errands.

“Are you awake?” He whispers, testing the waters as he hovers over her in the bed, pressing a soft kiss to her temple.

She hums, her hands grabbing for him immediately.

“Come back to bed.”

“In a second, I’m just gonna freshen up a bit.”

He’s pulling away next, heading for the adjacent bathroom. Gwen sighs, gripping her pillow with one hand.

She hears the splashing of water in the sink, a bit of rummaging around, and less than ten minutes later she finds herself staring at his half naked frame walking towards the bed and pulling back the covers.

When he positions himself next to her, she’s wasting no time in crawling closer to him. Her arm lays around his stomach, her body immediately seeking his warmth.

“I missed you.” She murmurs.

“Missed you too, baby.” He responds, his hand sliding to her back. “I’m sorry I left without waking you.”

“I got your note.” She whispers, pressing a kiss onto his chest. “I figured whatever was going on must’ve been important if it made you head out like that.”

“Gwen…”

“I know you weren’t doing any _errands_ at midnight, Blakey.” Her words aren’t accusatory, but they are real. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Just promise me you’re okay.”

He tightens his grip on her, basking in her proximity.

“I’m okay, darling.” He replies softly, raking his fingers through her hair. “I got a call from a friend.” He elaborates next, his words slow and deliberate. “He just needed someone to talk to, but he’s good now. I had to go and be there for him.”

Gwen nods, taking in his words.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She says, looking up at him through tired, yet content eyes. “Do I know your friend?”

Blake meets her gaze, his hand still caressing her lower back under the covers.

“It’s someone I met in NA.” Blake responds, not giving her much more to go on. “It’s fine now, honestly. I’m just glad to be back home with you. I don’t like being away from you and the little one.”

His soft admission is enough for Gwen to drop the earlier topic, her smile returning to her face.

Her hand reaches up to touch his jaw.

“We hate it when you leave too.”

He leans down to softly kiss her hand. “I’m here, baby.”

She shifts and nuzzles her face into his chest, trying to find a position that works for her.

“Stay.” She whispers against his skin, knowing he will, yet unable to keep the words from spilling off her lips. She’s never meant that word more, she never wanted someone to stay more desperately than she wants Blake to. It’s an overwhelming yet welcoming feeling after all the pain and trauma she’s been through with ones that came before him.

He holds her close to him, feeling him nod.

“I am.” He whispers. “In this lifetime and the next.”

All she has to do is close her eyes and bask in his sweet promise, staying this close to him, as sleep comes fairly easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this story has been going on for a while, but I still love to know what you think ;-)


	31. Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day....

The doorbell ringing startles them both, neither one expecting any visitors.

Blake had spent all day holding her on the couch after sending the pregnancy announcement over to their representatives. Gwen has issued statements throughout her entire career; from album announcements, to issuing a statement on her divorce and the irreconcilable differences. Telling the world about the life growing inside her has been something else entirely. 

Though, overwhelming and surreal, it’s also one of the most freeing feelings she’s ever experienced.

Blake’s arm loosens around her, his brow frowning.

“Do you expect anyone?”

She shakes her head, pulling at his arm when he starts to get up.

“Let me.” She says, huffing and puffing as she pushes herself up from the cushions, Blake’s eyes immediately portray a hint of complaint. She chuckles. “It’s my house, cowboy. I should at least be able to welcome visitors.”

Blake groans. “What happened to staying put for a day?”

She sticks out her tongue, holding her stomach with her left hand. “I’ve been staying put all day, in case you haven’t noticed.”

She makes fun of him for it, but he’s been nothing but considerate and helpful. There’s no denying that she feels tired and heavy, her feet hurting and her back aching at least sixty percent of the day.

She makes her way down the long hallway, still clueless about who could show up at her doorstep this late in the afternoon. Her hand tugs the front door open enthusiastically, her features falling immediately upon recognizing the figure on her doorstep.

Her heart thuds dangerously against her ribcage.

“What are you doing here?” She whispers gravelly, hoping to keep Blake from getting up from his place on the couch to meet her here. “You shouldn’t— “

“I’m not here to fight.” Gavin says, his hand leaning on the door, probably expecting her to throw it in his face soon. “I saw the announcement.”

Her throat dries.

She knows she’s not in the position to fight him, she’s not even allowed to work herself up and that’s never been something she could stop when it involved her ex-husband. Her eyes focus on him, something about his demeanour making her trust that he doesn’t want to fight, though the reasons for his appearance on her doorstep are still making very little sense.

“I’m sorry.” She says, the habit of apologizing to this man when he doesn’t deserve it still not completely vanished. “I don’t know what you’re here to talk about, but this is really not a good time…”

“Gwen, baby who is it?” Blake’s cheerful voice sounds from behind her, Gavin’s features hardening immediately at the sound of his voice.

She turns her head to find Blake walking up behind her, his hands resting on her hips. She can feel the moment he lays eyes on Gavin, his grip on her tightening instinctively.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Blake barks, trying to step in between them protectively, but Gwen’s hand on his chest stops him.

“I’m here to talk to Gwen.” Gavin responds as if it’s a normal occurrence for him to still show up here. “There are some things we need to talk about.”

She can’t fully explain it. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s finally living the life she’s meant to live, or maybe it’s the newfound security she feels by having their little boy inside her belly, but she’s not completely put off by the idea of hearing him out.

She knows Gavin to be an explosive, volatile man. It’s a stark contrast to the man who’s seems to stand in front of her now, and a part of her wants to at least hear him out.

“You are something else.” Blake nearly chuckles, the sound a bitter and protective rumble.

“ _Blake_.” Gwen says softly, feeling her chest constrict at having to go against him, especially with Gavin listening on. “Could you maybe give us a second?”

She winces at the painful look flashing over his features, his mouth slightly agape.

“Gwen…”

“It’s gonna be fine, I promise.” She counters quickly, sliding her hand up his chest in an effort to ease the sting. “Just a few minutes.”

His eyes blaze into her ex-husband, his jaw tense and locked. Blake’s hand balls up in a fist as he lays it against the adjacent wall, giving it a soft hit before complying with her request.

She feels herself tear up a bit when he walks up the stairs, seemingly not able to even stand the idea of being close by.

“Come in.” Gwen tells him eventually, opening the door further. “It’s too cold to be staying out here.”

Gavin nods and follows her into the living room, something inside her tensing as she sees him sit down on the couch, right where Blake had been sitting before. The picture is so incredibly wrong and she’s hit with a wave of relief at the knowledge that it won’t ever be the sight she’ll come home to anymore.

Gwen takes a seat on the lounger on the other side of the coffee table, deciding not to sit too close in case Gavin’s intentions end up being less innocent than she initially thought.

“I’m confused.” Gwen admits, shaking her head. “I don’t understand why you’re here.”

“I know I hurt you.”

The words are such a shock to her; she ends up just staring at him. In all the years she’s known him, she doesn’t think he’s ever admitted that to her out loud. He’s always hurdled the blame at her, never once taking any responsibility for any of it himself.

Gwen swallows roughly. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because you’re pregnant.” He says, sighing. “I didn’t think it would do anything to me, hearing the news, but it did.”

“Gavin— “

“I couldn’t let you go on without at least letting you know that I’m sorry for what happened between us. I’m sorry for stepping out on you, Gwen.”

Her eyes widen, her hand subconsciously resting on her stomach again.

She bats her lashes, trying to get her surprise under control. “Well, I _uhm_ , thank you. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

And it does. But it doesn’t make her crave anything other than Blake’s presence back downstairs. It makes her crave getting to crawl back in his arms, closing this chapter once and for all.

“It should be mine.”

The words cause her head to snap up at him, lips parting.

“Excuse me?”

He sighs deeply, running a hand through his hair. “It should be mine. This baby, this family, it’s supposed to be us, Gwen.”

Just like that, the tone of the conversation is forever changed and the temperature in the room seems to drop a hundred degrees.

“Here I thought you were _actually_ here because you changed…” Gwen gasps, tears filling her eyes. “I thought you were here because you were sorry, because you wanted to close this chapter.”

“Why would we close it, Gwen?” He challenges, leaning forward, his forearms resting on his knees. “We both know you needed time to heal from what I put you through, you needed to learn I was sorry. Well, I told you now. I _am_ sorry.”

“What do you think I was gonna do after hearing that?” She asks, bewildered. “Did you think I was just gonna break up with Blake and fall back at your feet? Let you raise _his_ child?”

“He can raise his own goddamn child.” Gavin murmurs, his gaze finding hers again. “But we could still be a family, we could have children of our own someday.”

She feels sick, her body feeling the need to flee as she desperately wishes for Blake to come back downstairs. She gets up, closing her eyes when a dizzy spell hits.

“Are you okay?” She hears Gavin ask, her eyes opening when she feels his hands steadying her.

“Don’t touch me.” She retorts quickly, pushing his hands off her.

“Gwen, I’m just trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help.” She says, straightening her back and feeling some of her joints pop. “I have the life I always wanted right here. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt but all you proved to me is that I can’t trust you. I never could.”

“Are you really betting all your money on _him_ sticking around?” Gavin inquires, sighing quietly. “Gwen, come on…”

“Get out.”

He straightens up his posture a bit, the look on his face reminding her of the one she married, the one who trapped her into fight after fight.

“Fine.” He relents, walking a few steps towards the hallway before stilling again. “You never answered my question.”

Anger rises within her, and where she figured she’d ignore his question because he didn’t deserve an answer, she now can’t stop her mouth from firing off the words she so deeply believes.

“I love him! He is my family and I know he’ll stick around. You wanna know why? Because that’s what you do when you actually love each other. He’s the one I want to come home to, the one I want to raise children with, the one I want to grow old with. He’s ten times the man you could ever be.”

Gavin swallows roughly, grimacing.

“I don’t have to stand here and listen to this.”

“No, you don’t.” She agrees, walking past him and towards the front door, holding it open for him. “You shouldn’t ever have come here. So let this be the last time you ever show your face around here.”

He stares at her so intensely she almost folds, but she keeps her posture and waits for him to set foot outside her house. The moment he’s back on her doorstep, she shuts the door in his face, much like she should’ve done in the first place.

The sound of footsteps on the stairs hit her ears as soon as the door closes, Blake’s features still portraying much of the hurt it did when he went upstairs earlier, only there’s a hint of worry and care lingering there now too.

Her leaking eyes must give most of it away, the guilt gnawing at her chest.

“What happened?” He asks, standing at the bottom of the stairs but not making a move to approach her.

She sniffs. “I’m sorry.”

“Why’d you let him into our house, Gwen?”

“It’s _my_ house and it’s _my_ choice.” She whispers, regretting the words as soon as they escape her.

She feels insecure and played, reading the situation all wrong and expecting something from Gavin that she knows she shouldn’t have. She’s frustrated that she let herself get tricked into believing he could be here for sincere reasons, and Blake’s immediate recognizing of what was truly going on is only serving to make her feel worse.

“Alright.” Blake nods, walking past her as he grabs his coat off the hanger.

“Where are you going?”

“To _my_ house.” He responds, features tight. “You can call me when you’re done sabotaging us.”

She shakes her head, approaching him. “Don’t do that. Don’t make me feel bad about trying to defuse the situation.”

“Defuse the situation?” He retorts. “You call inviting the man into your house _defusing_ the situation?” He snorts. “The only thing you did was lead him on, tricking him into believing there was _anything_ in this house he could still have. You let him know that no matter what, he’ll always come before me. Because you’re too damn insecure, and even while carrying my baby, you still wonder if maybe it’s safer to go back to your old life, with the crappy husband, because at least you know he won’t leave. He loves to belittle you too much to ever do that.”

Her eyes water, his words cutting deeply into her skin. She looks away when tears start falling down her cheeks, unwilling to show him the crumbling of her posture.

“I’m glad you got all that out of your system, Blake.” She whispers.

Blake sighs roughly, rubbing a hand over his face.

_“God damnit.”_

“Maybe I should spend the night at Todd’s.” She says, grabbing the railing with her hand as she tries to make sense of what she’s feeling. “You should go home.”

“Gwen, you can’t go over to Todd’s right now.”

She stares back at him, angrily. “So not only are you telling me how I feel supposedly, you’re also telling me what to do now?”

His jaw locks, his feet dragging him away from her front door.

“Listen to me…”

“Don’t come any closer.” She warns him, holding her hand out in front of her as Blake takes a few steps in her direction.

He comes to a halt a few feet away, biting his lip.

“I’m not telling you this to control you or so I can tell you what to do.”

“You just told me I miss the man who broke me into a million pieces.” She whispers, hoarsely. “You just told me you think I’d choose him over you because I let him inside my house. I don’t want to be around you right now.”

“And that’s okay.” He responds, confusing her with his sudden calmness. “I can go. But you gotta promise me you’ll stay here.”

“You’re fucking serious?”

“Dead serious.”

She chuckles bitterly, mouth agape.

“Just like before, when you were telling me all these things to make me feel bad, you sound ridiculous.”

“God damn it Gwen, can you just listen to me for once.”

“For _once_?” She yells. “I listen to you all the goddamn time, Blake. And the one time I don’t, the one time I ask you to trust me and let me speak to my ex, because I felt like it was better than sending him away and causing a scene, you pretend like I’m the worst person you’ve ever dated.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“No, you just said I was too insecure to ever be truly serious about you. I’m carrying your fucking baby, Blake. How do you think hearing that makes me feel?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care.” She counters, walking past him. “I’m going to my brother’s. I need to be somewhere that doesn’t make me want to rip my fucking hair out.”

“ _Gwen_ …” He grabs her arm gently, yet firm enough to keep her from walking any further. “I need to tell you something, and I need you to stay calm.”

Her stomach drops, her arm yanking itself loose from his grip.

“What are you talking about?”

Blake grimaces, battling something right before her eyes.

“Blake, _what_?” She hisses, losing her patience quickly.

“Your brother relapsed.” He looks at her with a worried expression, sighing deeply. “Last night when I left, I wasn’t honest about where I went.”

Her breath hitches, the weight of his words crashing into her so hard she’s afraid she’ll fall over. Her eyes snap up at his, the urge to yell or hit something so incredibly forceful she has to ball her hands up in fists next to her body.

She shakes her head. “I don’t believe you.”

“Jen was afraid you wouldn’t be able to handle it if I told you, and I couldn’t take that risk.”

“Where is he?” She whispers.

“Home. Jen is taking care of him and there’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing _any_ of us can do. We just gotta let him be.”

“We just gotta let him be….” She repeats, feeling the calm drain out of her body rapidly. “And you just decided that you’d keep this from me. My own brother.”

“Gwen, you’re pregnant— “

“I don’t give a shit!” She yelps, shoving him hard. “He is my _brother_ ; you had no right.”

“And you are my girlfriend, carrying my son.” He argues, voice firm. “I made a call to protect you both. I had every right to worry.”

“You just want to be in control.” She hurls at him, tearing her gaze away from him. “You gave up your addiction and now you feel like you’re freefalling all the time, so you try to make up for it by controlling _our_ life.”

“You have no idea how wrong you are.”

“Yeah?” She asks, sarcastically, walking closer to him. “Can you honestly stand here and say your decision to keep it from me wasn’t a selfish one?”

“It wasn’t.” He hisses, his face portraying nothing but desperation. “Jesus, I was trying to protect my family from going through another major complication. I was trying to keep you safe, keep you calm.”

“You don’t get to keep me calm, Blake.” She says, the tension inside her chest only growing. “It’s not your job to keep me calm, it’s your job to be honest with me.”

“Not when it’s dangerous.”

Gwen bites her lip, swallowing roughly.

“You know what’s dangerous? You investing so much time in my brother so you don’t have to look at yourself. Do you know what that’s called, Blake? It’s called _deflecting_.”

“Is this what you’re doing now?” He asks, not taking the bait. “You’re trying to hurt me? Do it, say whatever you wanna say, get it out of _your_ system.”

Anger takes over all rationality and before she knows it, she’s spewing words at him in record speed.

“You’re selfish. You’re so disappointed in yourself for spending half your life hurting the people closest to you, that now you convinced yourself you’ve got to be this saviour. You gotta save me, and the baby, and Todd, and Jen, and Stella. You gotta save them all, because it’s the only way you can sleep at night. You don’t care who it keeps up in the process. You don’t care if it means lying to me. You traded one goddamn fix for another and you expect me to be grateful.”

He stares at her in silence, his chest heaving.

“You could’ve told me when you got the text.” She continues on a whisper. “You could’ve told me and we could’ve went there together. We could’ve helped him together. But you needed to do it alone, you needed to be the one to save him. It’s never enough for you, you always want more and you can’t even see that you’re still chasing a damn high.”

“I listened to you.” He states softly, yet she can tell he’s not nearly as calm as he seems on the outside. “I heard you out. But now I’m done. I might be selfish, I might be all those things you just said, but at least I know that if I would ever get the news that my brother relapsed, my first instinct wouldn’t be to rip into my partner. My first instinct would be to pick up the phone and check up on him. You might think I just showed my true colours, but darling, you don’t even know how badly you just showed yours. And you want the truth? It’s not impressive, it’s not even kind, and it’s definitely not the woman I fell in love with.”

An actual whimpering noise leaves her mouth as he walks away again, leaning his hand against her front door as he faces away from her.

“What do I say?” She whispers, voice breaking. “What do I say when I call him?”

She feels dizzy, her heart racing as tears continue to spill from her eyes. Too much has been said today and the sudden silence is deafening.

“You tell him the opposite of all the things you just told me.” He responds, pulling the front door open and walking out without another word.

* * *

She cried until she physically was unable to cry anymore. Her head was pounding and her eyes were burning, but it was nothing compared to the ache she felt in her chest.

She called Jen the moment Blake left, willing herself to at least stay coherent enough to have a serious conversation with her sister in law. She didn’t end up speaking to her brother, as Jen told her he was still sleeping it off most of the day. He’d be on his way to another visit to rehab tomorrow morning.

It had been both a relief and a punch in the gut to hear.

Gwen thought about going over there, but Jen assured her it wouldn’t be the best idea right now. She also told her to make things right with Blake; something she felt was going to be a lot harder to do than her sister in law gave credit for.

Perhaps it was because she wasn’t there when they argued, she didn’t hear the words that were spoken in the midst of their anger. _Her_ anger.

Her hand is lying flat on her stomach, her back sore from her position on the couch but she can’t get herself to move. She’s tired, and sad, and scared. She hopes her meltdown didn’t somehow hurt the baby, and she starts sobbing again when she feels the tiniest kick, as if to reassure her he’s still there.

She moves to lay on her side, eyes facing the back of the couch.

Her cries are much softer now, no longer the dramatic sounds that escaped her before. She doesn’t even produce tears anymore; they’re purely sniffles and broken breaths.

Her eyes close and open again, continuing the pattern until her lids become too heavy to fight. She flirts on the edge of slumber but never quite succeeds in chasing it down, the darkness in the room the only peace she gets.

She hears the sound of the key in the lock, the front door softly opening and closing. She knows the only two people who have the spare keys to her house are Jen and Blake. Since she knows Jen is home taking care of Todd and the kids, there’s only one person this can be. 

He came back.

Him using the key she gave him reminds her of something else she said tonight. The accusation that this somehow wasn’t his home, while it was _his_ presence in it entirely that made it feel like a home in the first place.

She keeps her eyes closed and back turned to him as she hears footsteps enter the living room, scared to move and possibly scare him away again.

“Gwen?” He whispers, testing if she’s awake or not.

She can’t get herself to speak, not when she’s been crying so long. Not when every word she spoke to him tonight were ones she wishes she could take back.

She feels two strong arms roll her over onto her back, before gently scooping her up bridal style. Her breath hitches in surprise, indicating she’s awake.

“What are you doing?” She whispers, her voice a painfully scratchy sound.

“Taking you upstairs and into bed.”

She doesn’t fight him, instead she lowers her head against his shoulder as he walks the stairs with her in his arms, using his elbow to push open the bedroom door when he gets there. Her eyes squint and then close when he hits the light, gently lowering her on the mattress.

“Did you eat or drink tonight?”

He pulls back the duvet, tucking her in and adjusting two pillows against the headboard. She shakes her head to inform him that she hasn’t, too tired and unwilling to lie to him.

“Stay here.”

He turns on his heel, making his way to the door again.

“ _Blake_.”

“Just stay put.” He tells her, the words spoken gently.

She closes his eyes, not sure how many more times she can watch him leave without absolutely losing her mind.

She didn’t expect him to come home tonight, and the sound of him walking around downstairs, elicits a few more tears out. It baffles her how she’s still not fully cried out, her eyes burning so much she has to squeeze them closed to find even the littlest amount of relief.

She’s close to dozing off again when she feels Blake’s frame get in the bed with her, the smell of something edible filling her nostrils.

He pats the pillows behind her and instructs her to sit up.

“I made some soup. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing. I figured you aren’t going to be able to eat a full meal with the way you’re feeling right now.”

Gwen swallows, sitting up against the headboard, the pillows in her back making it extremely comfortable.

“Thank you.” She whispers, both hands wrapping around the hot bowl of soup. “You didn’t have to.”

He ignores that, his arm lying on top of the wooden bed frame, his eyes boring a hole in her cheek.

“I shouldn’t have left.”

She blows into the bowl between her hands, shaking her head.

“I said horrible things. I understand why you did.”

“We both said some things.” He counters. “But I gotta ask, Gwen. How do you even stand to be with me if that’s really how you feel about me?”

His question guts her.

“Because I _don’t_ feel like that.” She whispers. “I was mad.”

“You might not have said them out loud if you weren’t mad, but they had to have been swirling in your head before. They don’t just come to you.”

“You’re right.” She whispers again, the hot soup gliding down her throat. “I did think of the words before, but never because I meant them. I’m sorry I said what I did, I never should have. The only reason I thought of them at all is because you’ve told me you’ve been worried about these things at some point, and I guess I subconsciously started to wonder if maybe…”

“If maybe I was right?” He finishes for her, moving onto his side, watching her. “Gwen, I can handle the doubt from my family, my sister, my sponsor…. but I can’t handle it coming from you.”

Gwen sets her bowl of soup on the nightstand, motioning for him to come closer. He does but he doesn’t touch her, he lays down next to her, no space between their bodies, but he keeps his hands to himself, just staring.

“I don’t doubt you.” She whispers, biting her lip. “I doubt _myself_ because they called you instead of me. They wanted to keep this from me and even while was on the phone with Jen earlier, she didn’t seem to want to tell me all the details.”

“She wants to protect you, Gwen.”

“Because I’m pregnant.” She nods, looking at him with wet eyes. “But I don’t want people to protect me, I want them to be honest with me. And you have all my trust, Blake. When you climbed in bed with me after finding my brother, I had absolutely no doubt about the excuse you gave me. I just believed you.”

He sighs, finally reaching out to touch her. His hand brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, his hand lingering on the side of her face as he continues lying on his side to watch her.

“I know not being honest with you was a mistake. But can you at least see that I was given two horrible choices and I tried to make the one the least detrimental to your physical health?”

She sniffs, nodding slowly. “You were right about me being selfish and nothing about what happened or what I said earlier today is anything to be proud of.”

“I’m _so_ proud of you.” He says softly. “I learn something from you almost every day, but Gwen, when you use things I’ve told you in confidentiality and throw them back in my face during a fight…it makes me regret telling you certain things.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. “I know.”

“And I don’t want to ever regret opening up to you.” He continues. “I need to know you don’t actually believe I’m using your brother to distract myself from working on the things I need to work on. I need to know you don’t think I’m about to sabotage our relationship right as we’re about to have a child together.”

She opens her eyes again, his words hitting her hard.

“I love you.” She says softly, voice breaking as she continues. “I don’t believe any of those things, I know you wouldn’t do that. I know that you’re helping Todd because you feel like it’s the one thing that this addiction gave you that’s good; the ability to put yourself in his shoes and prevent him from making certain mistakes you made.” Her tears are flowing freely now, her throat constricting. “I was so mean to you and I wish I could take all of it back. I wish I could change the way you’re looking at me right now, but I know I deserve it.”

“ _Gwen_ …” He sighs.

She shakes her head. “I called you selfish, but that was me. It was selfish to unleash all my insecurities and trauma on you, and not just that, I used your own trauma against you. I’m so sorry, Blake. I was so angry and I…” Her sobs are making it hard for her to keep going, her hand covering her belly. “I was so scared and I thought I lost you already after the whole Gavin fiasco, and now my brother was going off the deep end and the man I trust the most in this world kept it from me. I couldn’t…”

“Gwen, _breathe_ darling.” His words sound soft against her chaotic ones, his hand cupping her cheek.

The pet name only makes her cry more, the rest of her words stuttering out brokenly.

“I don’t want to lose you and I’m sorry I made you feel so little about yourself. I’m sorry I said all those things just to hurt you. I don’t deserve you and if you want to go…” She breaks down more, her breath hitching. “I…you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, I understand okay? I _un_ …I understand.”

Careful not to hurt her, he pulls her into him, her head resting in the crook of his neck. His arms wrap fully around her, nuzzling her head.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispers, holding her. “About the Gavin thing…. I don’t give a shit about him and I’m damn sure not letting him get in between what you and I have. I wanted you to tell him to hit the damn road, but I understand why you didn’t. You have a good heart, Gwen. You see the best in people. And that’s what made me lying to you about Todd even worse; you trusted me and I knew you would. I’m sorry.”

She sniffs. “Don’t leave us.”

His hand slides down to her stomach, meeting her own hand there. He squeezes her fingers, simply caressing her knuckles.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He says, swallowing roughly.

She knows their words have caused damage and they won’t be able to salvage all of them in one night, but perhaps they could leave the cold and accusatory words in the past where they belong. When he holds her the way that he is right now, she’s hopeful that they can.

“Where did you go?” Gwen whispers, shifting to look up at him. “You weren’t gone for that long. Did you go home?”

He shakes his head, smiling softly.

“Home is here, Gwen. It’s wherever you are.” His finger softly caresses her cheek. “I went to see my sponsor since it was a little too late to visit my therapist.”

The admission slams in to her, as she recalls accusing him of not working on himself, and instead working on Todd. The truth is, Blake has never stopped working on himself in all the time she’s known him.

She sniffs, her hand cupping his jaw.

“Did it help?”

He hums. “Sorta. He reminded me of what’s important and told me to go home. So that’s what I did.”

“And you came _here_.” She whispers, letting the meaning sink in. “To us.”

“I love you.”

She closes her eyes, repeating the sentiment so many times, she loses count. She curls up against him under the covers even more, as if it was possible, and lets some silent tears of gratitude fall onto his shirt. Her thoughts wander off as her eyelids become too heavy and she feels Blake’s lips press onto the top of her head as one of the last things before she manages to fall asleep.


	32. For Good

_3 months later_

_\----_

He is sitting beside her, back resting against the base of the couch.

She watches him in silence as he slowly dips his chip into their shared bowl of guacamole, the crunch of his bite echoing through the room. She’s glad that he’s eating, since she wasn’t sure he was gonna have any appetite today.

The sun had set behind them hours ago, but Blake hasn’t even been up for that long. She hadn’t realized how tired he must’ve been to sleep through the entire day like that. It made her feel bad to say the least, knowing he’s been put through a lot these last few weeks, and she’s not the _only_ one who needs to watch her stress levels.

The movie they’re watching is just backdrop for them, as they bask in each other’s presence without saying too much. Her whole focus is on Blake; his demeanour, his mood, all of it. She watches as he licks a bit of salt off his fingers, before moving forward to grab his cup of coffee from the coffee table.

He brings it to his lips slowly and sips, sucking in a breath as the two different flavours coat the inside of his mouth. He returns the cup back to the table with a light clink, taking a few moments to collect his thoughts before looking at her.

“Can we turn this off?”

The question surprises her as she looks over at him questioningly. They had barely spoken the entire movie so she assumed he was grateful for the distraction. She reaches for the remote on the sofa behind her and quickly hits pause.

A few beats of silence pass as they look at each other, and she notices his shoulders soften and his gaze becomes a bit more penetrable.

“ _Thank you_.” He says quietly, eyes moving towards the stilled frame on the television.

This is the first time she’s gone through one of those days with Blake and out of everything she thought it would be, it’s continuing to surprise her. Blake seems to work through his grief much quieter, much more subdued than she thought he would. In return, she doesn’t know how much she’s allowed to push.

“Of course.” She states pointedly, her voice soft. “Anything I can do for you?”

Her hand moves to her stomach, the finish line in sight as she’s bursting at the seams—literally. The only ways she can be comfortable now is when she’s stretched out, feet in his lap and her hand covering her belly, as if it’s gonna fall off if she doesn’t hold it together herself.

“I just don’t really want to listen to anyone else’s voice right now.” He answers, motioning with his hand towards the television. “I can’t think that way.”

She nods, not entirely understanding but not judging him either.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks, carefully.

Their bodies are close, just an inch apart and her chocolate pools are intense and direct, even when she’s giving him enough time and space to work through his thoughts. His hand is quick to lift her ankles just enough to stretch her out the way she’s to wanted all along, her relieved sigh a sound she can’t contain.

“I’m thinking about how crazy this is.” He whispers, thumb stroking the flesh on her leg, slipping past the stretchy fabric of her yoga pants. “I’m honouring my brother’s death, while we’re about to welcome a new life into ours.”

Gwen smiles sadly, knowing how badly Blake wishes Richie could’ve been here to watch him become a dad. She knows he idolizes his brother in many ways, never quite feeling like he could measure up. Gwen never met Richie, but she’s sure he would’ve been as shocked by that as she is.

“What do you usually do on his anniversary?” Gwen asks, keeping his gaze.

“Something I don’t have _any_ inkling to do right now.” He tells her, biting his lip. “I don’t know if you’re up for it, but how would you feel about sitting outside for a bit? Just watch the stars, be out of these four walls.”

She smiles at him, feeling the familiar warm feeling wrapping around her heart. The soft request is so _Blake_ , it makes her feel like he’s all around her; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually too.

“I am up for that.” She nods, holding her hand out to him. “You just have to pull me up.”

Blake chuckles lowly, the tension he’s been holding in his jaw all day starting to disappear a little as he gives her a real genuine smile.

“At your service, baby girl.”

He gently lowers her feet from his lap, standing up and offering his hand to her again. She takes it and moans with the effort of getting up, taking a few seconds to wrap her arms around his waist and snuggle up to him.

His strong arms wrap around her, softly swaying her.

“Thank you for being here for me, Gwen.” He whispers softly against her hair. “I know I’ve been quiet, but I’m mostly just processing, you know?”

Gwen hums, despite her question. “Processing how much you miss him?”

“I always miss him, but this year….” He shakes his head, tightening his hold on her slightly. “I miss him just the same, but I’m not all sad. I’m hopeful. I’m happy even. And I’m trying to process that without feeling guilty.”

She looks up at him, her chin pressing against his chest.

“You deserve to be happy.” She says. “That’s not something to feel guilty about.”

He cups her cheek, sweetly. “I just never have been happy on this day, not even a little bit. Things are different now and I’m about to meet our son and I can’t _not_ be happy. But it still feels like I should just crawl under the covers and want to die on this day. I shouldn’t feel hopeful on the day Richie died twenty years ago.”

It’s something Gwen didn’t even think about before. She didn’t connect the dots in her own mind, she didn’t think Blake would struggle with feeling something other than pure despair on this day. She took his silence as a sign of sadness, not one of guilt.

She presses up on her tiptoes, kissing him briefly.

“If my body would allow it, I would’ve deepened it.” She murmurs, feeling his chuckle vibrate against her chest.

“You’re really cute when you’re super pregnant, have I told you that yet?” He asks, cupping both her cheeks in his hands.

She grunts. “Yeah, you tell me that nearly every hour.”

“It’s true.” He grins. “Especially when you waggle into the kitchen like a penguin, rummaging through it to find one of your weird cravings to satisfy you.”

“Weird cravings?”

“Darling.” He snorts. “I don’t care what you say; banana and peanut butter do _not_ go together.”

“My mouth begs to differ.”

He rolls his eyes. “It’s disgusting, but I love watching you make it. Or eat it for that matter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen food make a person as happy as that meal makes you.”

“Okay, okay.” Gwen laughs, enough of his teasing. “Didn’t you want to go outside?”

He laughs but doesn’t fight her. They slowly make their way down the hallway, his hands immediately grabbing her thick coat and holding it open for her. When she’s sufficiently bundled up, Blake opens the front door and leads them towards the large field of grass that lays adjacent to her pool.

She knows Blake isn’t a huge fan of LA, but there’s something magical about the view up from these hills, watching the stars above and the city lights below.

Blake leads them to the outside lounger, adjusting Gwen so she’s laying with her feet on the sofa and her head against his chest.

“Gwen?” He asks after they’ve laid in silence for a few minutes, nothing but the stars above them to keep them company.

She hums quietly.

“I’m scared.”

The words cause her to rest her head against his shoulder completely so she can look up at him, his hand sliding down to her stomach.

“I know you are.” She whispers.

“What if mess up?” He asks, inhaling deeply. “I’m not gonna lie, Gwen. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.”

Gwen laughs breathily, though it’s not _at_ him, and they both know it.

“Sweetie, no parent ever truly knows what they’re doing. I mean, how could we?” She smiles up at him, letting her hand come up to his jaw. “I’ve seen you with Jace, and I’ve seen you interact with Stella. You’re amazing with kids, Blake. And this is going to be _your_ kid, your own flesh and blood. You don’t have to know what you’re doing, you just have to love him as much as I know you already do.”

“I do love him more than anything; it feels like I have galaxies living inside my chest right now. I’ve never felt anything like this.”

Gwen smiles. “See? You’re a natural.”

Blake closes his eyes momentarily, kissing the top of her head.

“You sound a little like Richie when you get all philosophical on me.”

Gwen chuckles. “What would Richie tell you if he were here right now?”

Blake scoffs. “He’d probably tell me to stop being such a scaredy-cat and start believing in myself. He used to tell me I could be as powerful as the Greek god _Apollo_ and I’d still doubt if I could make even the _smallest_ mark in someone’s life.”

“Your brother was into Greek mythology?” Gwen asks, surprised.

“Not really. But he got this book about it when he was around twelve years old, and he kinda obsessed over Apollo in particular. The fact that he was a God of so many things; healing, music, poetry, _archery_. I just liked to listen to him telling me stories about it, because it made me feel smart. I’m telling you, people were incredibly impressed when _I_ , the class clown, managed to render everyone speechless with the many facts I knew about the Greek god. Only because Richie wouldn’t stop bothering me about it at night.”

Gwen chuckles lightly at Blake’s way of telling the story, her mind vividly imagining him in those moments, feeling like the smartest kid in class.

“The more you tell me about Richie, the more I start to understand your fascination with him.”

“He would’ve loved you.”

“I wish I could’ve met him.”

Blake’s hand still covers her belly, his head lowering to her shoulder. “Me too. And little ‘Pollo in here.”

Her body tenses against him, her eyes snapping up at him.

“What did you just say?”

His eyes widen, his hand on her stomach shifting awkwardly, his fingers flexing against her. “Gwen, I was just kidding; we were talking about Apollo and how much Richie would’ve loved to meet our baby and….”

“ _Blake_ …” She whispers, cutting him off. “Stop talking.”

He looks at her, confused, blinking furiously. “What?”

“Say it again.” She orders softly, keeping their gazes locked.

“You want me to…?” He asks just to be sure and she fights the smirk that threatens to overtake her lips at his sudden nervousness.

“Yes.” She says. “Say it again.”

“Apollo.”

“ _Little ‘Pollo_ …” She whispers, staring down at her stomach.

“Gwen, are you— “

She shifts a little in his arms, pulling herself up in a bit more of a sitting position. It’s easier to hold his gaze that way, her hand sliding up his chest.

“I mean, it’s kinda beautiful, isn’t it?” Now _she’s_ suddenly the one feeling nervous. “It’s someone your brother looked up to, and it’s a name that brings you a lot of great memories from your childhood. I feel like it just connects every dot.”

Blake’s silence makes her heard pound, the watering of his eyes making her breath hitch in the back of her throat.

“Gwen, I can’t….do you really…” His words are broken and dishevelled, his voice nothing but a low rasp. “I don’t know what to….”

“You don’t have to say anything.” She responds, cupping his cheek in her hand. “Just nod if you like the name.” 

He nods immediately, a few tears sliding down his cheeks.

“ _Yeah_?” She whispers in return, getting emotional herself.

“Oh my God, _yes_.” Blake exhales, lowering his head to the crook of her neck, breathing her in as he silently let’s go and sniffles against her skin. She moves her hand to the back of his head, looking up at the stars as she’s never felt so close to Blake, Richie _and_ Apollo, as she does in this moment.

“I love you so much, cowboy.” She speaks softly into the night air, feeling his head lift from her neck and his arms wrap around her shoulders instead.

“I can’t believe we just figured out a name literally two days passed your due date.”

Gwen chuckles and groans. “He’s already so much like his daddy; always making his own rules.”

Blake kisses her temple. “Are you tired yet?”

Gwen nods, laying back against him.

“I am, but I don’t want to move yet. I don’t think I can.” She admits, closing her eyes.

“We can stay here as long as you want, darling.”

She knows that if she stays like this too long, she’ll drift off asleep right here in the night air, wrapped tightly in Blake’s arms. There are much worse ways to fall asleep and she can already feel the shimmers of slumber invading her body. The emotional moment they just had makes her even less capable of keeping her eyes open. Blake’s arms around her are tight yet careful, and she cracks a tiny smile at the sensation of his hold.

She shudders suddenly, the fresh wind blowing against her face and untangling some of the hairs from her ponytail.

“Okay come on, let’s get you inside.” Blake offers gently, making a move to help her sit up when she suddenly gasps, shaking her head furiously. “Shit baby, did I hurt you?”

Her eyes widen as her gaze lowers to her inner thighs, her breath hitching.

“ _Blake_.”

“Baby what’s happening, you’re scaring me?”

She grabs his wrist tightly, feeling the unfamiliar sensation between her legs.

“I think my water just broke.”

“What?” He asks, dumbfounded. “Now? How is that even— “

“I don’t know.” She gasps again, feeling tears spring to her eyes, fear and excitement, yet mostly fear spreading through her body. “I don’t fucking know Blake, but it’s happening and I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay. It’s okay.” Blake says, trying to calm them both down. “We’re gonna get in the truck and go to the hospital. It’s going to be fine.”

She shakes her head suddenly, grasping his arm as he tries to get up once more.

“I can’t.” She breathes, shaking her head wildly. “I can’t. I’m not ready.”

“Baby, we don’t have a choice. Your water just broke.” He counters softly, the fear in his own voice palpable. “Didn’t the doctor say something about how water breaking _before_ going into labor means it’s going to happen real soon?”

“Blake, I can’t.” She cries, suddenly feeling herself panic. “I don’t know how to do this and I’m not sure I want to yet. Please don’t drive me to the hospital.”

She’s fully crying now with the weird sensation pooling between her legs that only grows and the pure panic when she realizes she’s about to give birth during a high-risk pregnancy. Everything that could possibly go wrong is currently flashing through her mind and her hands shake violently as a result.

She’s pulled back to Earth when she feels Blake’s hands cover her own.

“Sweetheart, I know it’s scary, but we need to go the hospital. I promise I will be there every step of the way. Please let me drive you there now so we can make sure everything goes exactly the way it should.”

She’s still crying while she nods, knowing he’s right, no matter how terrified she is.

He helps her up carefully, holding both her arms with his hands. She leans into him, having trouble walking even the small distance from her backyard to the driveway. She clutches at her stomach, protective and scared, trying to keep her breathing under control.

Blake runs into the house to get their stuff, grabbing the car keys from the dinner table, before rushing back out and helping Gwen inside the vehicle.

“You’re doing good, Gwen. Real good.” She hears Blake say as he puts the car in drive, her loud exhales filling the silent car.

A drive that normally feels like it takes hours, now feels like less than ten minutes and the moment Blake parks in front of the hospitals entrance, she’s softly protesting again.

“Blake, _please_.”

She bites back a sob when he ignores her quiet plea and jumps out, walking over to her side to open the passenger’s door. She’s surprised when he doesn’t immediately help her out, instead his hands cup her tear-stained cheeks.

“You. are. _Incredible_.” He says, forcing her gaze up to his. “And I know you’re scared, so am I, but I know you just want to do what’s best for Pollo, and we both know that it’s best to go in there right now.”

His soft words make her lean into his hand, nodding softly.

He moves to help her out of the car, holding her with one arm around her back and the other hand holding onto hers. Her heart is racing and her mind is one big blur until she’s ushered inside and she hears Blake ask for help. The next few minutes pass her by completely; being put in a wheelchair as she’s brought to the maternity ward, has another electronic monitoring done and is left in the hospital room with Blake and her nurse to fill out some forms.

She’s still shaking by the time all is said and done, and though her water just broke and her cramps intensify, she’s not yet experiencing contractions, something she’s both dreadful and relieved about.

It doesn’t take long though, and after two agonizing hours, her stomach tightens and rips a sharp scream from her throat. Blake perks up instantly, his hand going to her arm.

“Oh God.”

When another contraction comes, she doubles over, breathing irregularly as tears escape from her eyes. The nurse is telling her things throughout it all and she can hear Blake’s voice in her ear as well, yet both sounds just forge together into one big blur, the only thing she can focus on is the immense pain spreading through her stomach and back.

“Why don’t you go sit behind her, dad?” The nurse smiles and Gwen is ready to rip her head off, there’s no way anyone should be smiling right now when she feels like _dying_.

She’s momentarily distracted from picking a fight when she feels Blake manoeuvre behind her, sitting on the hospital bed and pulling Gwen to sit between his legs, against his chest. It reminds her a little of their position earlier tonight in her backyard, and she finds a bit of peace in that.

She lets her head lay against his chest, exhausted from the fear and pain. She feels Blake’s gentle hand brush strands of hair out of her face.

“You’re okay, Gwen. You’re alright.”

She shakes her head, screaming out in pain at another wave, trying to huff and puff like she’s been taught to do in preparation for this moment.

Though she didn’t understand the thought process behind it at first, she finds herself at least a little bit relieved when the nurse brings some extra linens and pillows, lowering the intensity of the lights in the room as she works to make her more comfortable.

“I don’t think I can do this.” She whispers, crying again, her voice a hoarse whimpering sounds as she lets her head rest against Blake’s chest.

“I don’t blame you for thinking that.” He tells her simply, not making her feel crazy, yet not feeding into her fears either. “Just try to take a few breaths for me, okay? Are you in pain right _now_?”

His simple question throws her off, the realization hitting her suddenly that she’s indeed not feeling any pain right now, the waves of hurt and contractions having subsided a bit.

She shakes her head.

“Not right now.” She whispers.

“Good.” He tells her, rubbing her shoulders gently. “I can’t tell you I know what you’re going through or that it’s not going to get worse, but I can tell you that there’s nothing you _can’t_ do. So stop telling yourself that. You’re only psyching yourself out and I’m not gonna let you keep doing that.”

Her eyes close, his arms around her body doing wonders for her tension. She can still feel the flutters in her stomach and chest, but Blake’s close presence is exactly what she needs to catch her breath again.

“Hold me like this for a while.” She whispers, though it’s more of a request than a demand.

“As long as you need me to, baby girl.”

* * *

Gwen started going into labour an hour ago, her contractions strong and regular as he and the midwife are trying to coax her through it. He knows he’s got to keep his head cool for _her_ sake, but it’s hard when all Gwen wants to do is fight the process. He knows she’s scared and to be honest, he doesn’t have much to talk her out of her panic.

He’s incredibly reluctant when the doctor motions him away from Gwen’s bedside, into the hallway. He complies only because Gwen’s currently squeezing her eyes shut, as the nurse keeps track of her labour progression.

“What’s wrong?” Blake asks immediately, being faced with the doctor’s stern facial expression. “Why is it taking so long? Is there another complication?”

The doctor smiles, though it’s faint.

“The only complication is your wife’s own mind.” The man tells him, and Blake’s too stressed and too confused to give too much thought to Gwen being mistakenly referred to as his wife.

“What do you mean?”

“Gwen is fully dilated, which means any time she’s ready, she can start pushing.” The doctor informs him, gently.

“She hasn’t felt the urge to yet.”

“An epidural can actually cause the urge to push to not be felt.” He explains. “We’ve checked her dilation many times and she’s ready. She won’t push cause she’s too scared of something going wrong.”

Blake looks back into the room, Gwen’s eyes still forced shot while the midwife tries to get her to take some short breaths with her.

He shakes his head. “I need to get back in there.”

“You should.” The doctor agrees. “But you’re her only hope right now, sir. I’ve seen plenty of pregnancies like this before and it’s always the partner who has the biggest chance of getting through to their wives. If she doesn’t start pushing now, it can cause serious complications to herself _and_ the baby.”

Blake nods, his mind still reeling, but the urge to get back to Gwen’s side bigger than anything. He rushes back into the room, immediately taking the seat next to her bed to grab her hand.

“I’m back baby, I’m here.”

“Blake?” She murmurs, strained.

“I’m right here.”

She squeezes his hand hard, her features stiff and body tense. “I’m scared.”

“I know, sweetheart.” He breathes softly, standing up again yet never letting go of her hand. He stands closer to her bed, his free hand wiping a strand of hair out of her face. “But you gotta listen to the doctor, okay? You need to start pushing.”

She shakes her head wildly, but he doesn’t let up.

“Come on, you can do this.”

Though she seems to be getting into position to push, she doesn’t, and Blake realizes she needs just the final bit of prompting.

“Hey?” He gets her attention, her fearful expression looking up at him, his hand cupping the side of her face as he leans into her line of vision. “You are going to be the most amazing mother. I can’t wait to finally meet little Apollo and I know you can’t either. Am I right?”

She makes a futile attempt at a smile and nods.

“I’m gonna be right here, Gwen. Every step of the way, as promised.” He tells her, giving her a little bit more space as he realizes she’s breathing heavier, her face tilted up to the ceiling.

“You ready, Gwen?” The OB-GYN asks, his hand gently placed on her knee.

She swallows roughly, before muttering a soft response.

“ _Yes_.”

It hits him hard then.

He's about to meet his son on the same day he lost his brother, twenty years ago. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not a doctor and I’ve never given birth, so please go easy on me ❤️


	33. Apollo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter introducing Apollo, on Apollo's actual birthday? Sounds right to me.

"Shhh, baby." Her soft voice coos, her blonde hair a mess around her face, yet she's never looked more beautiful to him. 

It's a trip to watch Gwen actively hold his heart in her arms, swaying him gently as she tries to keep his cries under control. 

Blake steps up to her, his arm sliding around her. 

"Here, give him to me. You've been up for way too long."

She shakes her head, causing him to grunt a little. She's too stubborn for her own good. 

It had taken two hours for Gwen to give birth to Apollo, which in itself isn't bad. It had taken her all the strength in her body to do it, including the terrifying haemorrhage she suffered a few hours later. The monitors beeping when her blood pressure dropped severely is still keeping him up at night. They were able to stop the bleeding and have kept her in the hospital for the next few days.

She's only been home for one week, Apollo now officially ten days old and Blake can barely breathe –he's never been this worried in his life.

"Gwen, come on." He tries again. 

She shakes her head, eyes trained on the little guy in her arms. "He's quiet now. I'm okay, I just want to hold him for a second."

He knows her labour was a traumatic one, and haemorrhaging soon after made her unable to hold Apollo for a few hours after he was born. The doctors too busy trying to manage _her_ medical situation. 

"Okay." Blake sighs, his hands on her shoulder directing them to the couch. "At least sit down with me."

She doesn't fight him on it, she goes easily and rests her back against the cushions, her gaze finding his briefly. She smiles and he can tell she's overwhelmed by the sudden calm. 

"He's ours." She whispers, shaking her head.

"He is."

"And he's beautiful."

Blake hums, leaning his chin on the top of her head, staring down at Apollo. "I love him so much, Gwen. I don't even know what to do with myself."

She giggles, and even her laugh sounds exhausted. 

"That's what you signed up for, _daddy_."

It's his turn to chuckle.

"I guess I did."

His finger reaches out for Apollo's cheek, touching it gently, not wanting to wake him up again and disturb the peace Gwen fought so hard to earn. 

"You wanna hold him, don't you?" She whispers, leaning her shoulder against his more prominently.

"Dying for it, honestly." Blake admits.

She nods with a small smile, carefully handing him over. 

His arm goes underneath Apollo's tiny frame, his free hand supporting his head. Gwen's cheek lays against his shoulder, watching their baby with stars in her eyes until he suddenly feels her tense. 

"I'm sorry." She whispers. 

He frowns, momentarily taking his eyes off the little guy as he meets her gaze. 

"What are you apologizing to me for right now?"

"For being selfish." She says quietly. "Ever since we've come home I've barely let go of him and just a few moments ago I barely even recognized you wanted to hold him. I was just so scared of losing him in the hospital, I can't..." 

"Hey." He interrupts her gently. "You have nothing to apologize for. You're amazing, Gwen. I can wait for my turn to hold him, trust me." 

"It's not just about holding him." She says. "I want to be the one to comfort him when he cries, I was the one who sang to him last night. I've been taking up all his time, keeping him from you."

Blake chuckles lowly. "As sweet and considerate as this is, I'm not gonna fault you for wanting to spend time with our new-born baby. I would be more piqued if you didn't." 

"Are you sure?"

He leans down to place a soft kiss on her lips. "I'm sure."

"Can you believe we did this?" She murmurs, her face still plastered against his shoulder. 

"You mean created a life together?" He smiles. "I mean technically I'm surprised it didn't happen earlier with the amount of sex we have..."

"Blake." She scoffs, giggling right before silencing herself with her hand, not wanting to wake up the sleeping baby in his arms. 

"I'm honestly still a bit in shock." Blake says, grinning. "Feels quite real now though." 

She hums. "Holding him is like a spiritual experience."

"I can't even counter that." He says, eyes going back to Apollo. "It really is."

He feels Gwen pressing herself even closer to him, closing her eyes. 

"Are you tired?" He asks, after hearing her yawn. 

"Yeah." 

"Wanna sleep?"

"Will you take Apollo upstairs and lay there with me?"

He can't help but smile widely, his chest feeling like it's being split open, rays of sun being directed to his heart.

"Of course, darling. Nothing sounds better."  
  


* * *

"Darlin', if you're not up for it..." 

"Blake, baby, I know you're worried but I've got this." She reassures him with a soft pat on his chest. 

He sighs, nodding as he lets her pass him into the living room. They've been enjoying the last few moments of quiet they know they're about to get, with Apollo asleep in the nursery and Blake's mom coming over any second now. 

Dot hadn't made the trip out here earlier as she was still recovering from her medical scare months ago, and it had been up in the air if she was gonna make it out this time. 

Gwen knows it means the world to Blake that she's coming, and therefore she's the most excited. Even if she's still recovering from giving birth to her baby boy. 

She has barely sat down on the couch when the baby monitor starts reeling with Apollo's high cries, her body immediately lunging forward again. 

"Let me—" Blake tries to say, but she cuts him off. 

"I'll go. Your mom can be here any second, you should be here to welcome her." 

He looks at her hesitantly and she knows he's not completely comfortable with what she’s proposing. She needs to take it easy, but just as she told the doctor, there's not much room for that with a new born baby and she wasn't gonna miss out on a single thing with him. She already missed out on his first hour on this world. 

She makes her way upstairs, making soft soothing noises when she approaches his crib. 

"Hey sweet boy." She whispers, reaching for his small body and gently lifting him in her arms. She rocks him softly, her finger tracing his hot cheek. "Why are you working yourself up like this, baby? Are you tired?"

She walks around the nursery with him for a few moments, placing a gentle kiss on his little forehead as his cries become slightly less sharp. 

The doorbell rings downstairs and Gwen rocks him in her arms once more.

"Do you wanna meet grandma, sweet pea?" He makes a soft whiney noise, and though Gwen knows he has no idea what she's talking about, she likes talking to him. "Yes, grandma is here. Let's go downstairs and hang out with daddy, how about that?"

There's nothing like watching Blake and Apollo interact. Her heart still grows two sizes when he holds the tiny human being in his arms, the stars in his eyes the same ones she feels inside her chest. But it's Blake's saintly patience and softness he reserves for her and now their son, that _really_ gets to her the most. 

She walks down the stairs with Apollo, expecting to be met with exactly that, but instead she finds Blake standing in the middle of the hallway, Dot's hand on his arm while he stares ahead of him, pointedly. 

Gwen frowns, walking closer as Apollo finally settles down in her arms. 

"What's going on?" She asks softly, not wanting to spook the baby.

"Gwen, my God!" Dot exclaims, leaving her son's side to carefully walk over to her, her finger playing with Pollo's little romper suit. "He's _beautiful_."

Gwen's eyes light up momentarily at the compliment. "Thank you. He's perfect."

"Blake told me how hard the delivery was, I promise I wanted to be there but he asked me to wait until you were up for it." His mother tells her sweetly, a hint of regret in her voice. 

She shakes her head, her free hand reaching out for Dot's arm. 

"Blake was right." She concedes, softly. "I couldn't stop my mom from showing up the day after, but there were a lot of complications. I promise there are no hard feelings. We're just glad you're here now." Gwen's eyes go back to Blake, who's still tense, and she finally realizes _why_.

She hasn't seen Dot's husband before, but it takes no rocket scientist to figure out the man in her hallway is Richard. 

Dot's line of vision follows Gwen's and she sighs. "Boys, why don't we go to the living room? Let Gwen sit down for a moment while we all reconnect?"

Gwen makes a soft noise to soothe Apollo when she feels him fidget again, quite possibly taking notice of the tension in the room. She read somewhere that babies are incredibly perceptive to their parent's moods. 

"Blake?" She asks softly, walking over to him. 

He looks down at her, his eyes immediately taking in Apollo as he reaches for him. Gwen doesn't fight him this time, gently handing him over as she suddenly feels empty without the baby in her arms. She keeps her gaze focused on Blake, his features softening with his son now pressed in his arms. She's confused when he turns his back to his father in law, tearing his eyes away from him for a second to glare at her. 

"I'm gonna walk away now before I say something to him I won't ever be able to take back." 

She parts her lips to say something, but he doesn't give her the time to come up with a response, walking into the living room without another word. 

Dot casts her eyes down at witnessing the tense moment and before she can verbalize another apology, Gwen's smiling at her politely.

"Dot, could you give me and Richard a moment?"

Her heart hammers at the prospect of the conversation she's about to have, but she knows it's a needed one. It's something Blake has done for her family countless of times. 

His mother shoots her husband a concerned look, before looking back at her. 

"Sure, darling." 

Gwen smiles. "Thank you. I promise, we'll be right out." 

Dot nods, following her son into the main room, her steps a little bit more enthusiastic as the sounds of her grandson make their way towards them.

When Gwen's sure they're alone, she takes some steps toward Richard, who in the few minutes he's been here still hasn't said one word.  
  
"You must be Richard." She says softly, giving him her hand to shake. 

He looks a bit flustered, but takes her hand in a steady grip. "I am."

"I want to say I'm sorry for the cold welcome just now, but I wouldn’t really mean it." She admits, pursing her lips together tightly.

"I have made some questionable decisions." The older man counters. "I can't argue with that. If you don't want me in your home, I have no problem leaving and picking Dot up later."

Gwen sighs. "This isn't about what I want and it's definitely not about what you want." 

"Excuse me?"

"Don't you see?" She retorts, breathily. "You've held Blake's demons against him for all these years and you hurt him more than he deserved. You know how badly he wanted your forgiveness all these years and now he's at a place where he doesn't need it anymore and that unbalances you. But you leaving right now is just gonna proof to him what he already thinks he knows; that you don't care for him."

"I'm glad he's turned his life around." Richard murmurs, rubbing the facial hair around his jaw. "He's done a lot to hurt the people closest to him. That's not something to take lightly and I won't apologize for giving him a hard time about that."

"Then don't." Gwen snaps, pushing a heavy breath passed her lips. "But doing the right thing is much easier when you don't have to fight an addiction every single day."

"I can't afford to make these excuses with him."

"It's not an excuse." Gwen argues. "It's the truth. I've been in your shoes, I've been on the other side of this, I actually _still_ am. That's how I know that there's so much more than meets the eye."

"Your brother." He offers softly, wincing. "Dot told me."

"Then maybe she also told you how hard Blake's been trying to help him. He might not be able to take back any of the mistakes he's made, but he's been trying like hell to keep someone else from making the same ones. He's so good and it's about time we stop demanding apologies _from_ him and start speaking some _to_ him."

Richard sighs. "He doesn't want to hear anything from me right now."

"You weren't there when his mother had a stroke, you avoided him at all costs, you didn't even congratulate him once when you heard he was about to become a father. It's gonna take a bit more than a flimsy handshake and awkward meeting in our hallway to make up for that. You gotta make some effort to fix this and then maybe you'll understand what Blake's been doing for _years_."

"Gwen— “

"I need to get back in there, spend time with Blake and my son." She interrupts him. "You're welcome to stay and I'd be happy to host you and Dot for the next few days. My only demand will be that Blake's treated with respect, no matter what. Do with that what you will. I hope you do what we both know _he_ would."

Walking back into the living room, Blake's making goofy faces to get Apollo to crack a smile with Dot hovering against his shoulder, galaxies in her eyes.

She'll do anything for the man who put them there.

* * *

"Is he asleep?" Gwen asks softly, taking a few moments to rest on the couch after all is said and done. 

Dot and Richard have decided not to sleep at their place and instead are staying at a hotel nearby, wanting to give the newly parents some time to accumulate to their new reality without adding to their responsibilities. 

Gwen can't say she's too torn up about that, considering her energy levels are still quite low.

Blake plops down on the couch next to her, surprising her when he pulls her on top of him. Her arm goes around his neck as she sits on his lap, immediately feeling her body relax. 

"He is." Blake hums. "Don't know how long it'll last this time, though."

Gwen smiles, weakly. "I just want him to be okay."

"I know, but he's a baby, sweetheart." He comforts her, his hand rubbing her lower back. "Baby's cry. I don't know much, but I do know that."

She chuckles. "I know they do, Blakey. It's just different when it's _our_ baby."

Blake hums. 

"Yeah, it is."

There's a brief moment of silence before the clearing of his throat indicates he's about to say something. When he doesn't immediately continue, Gwen knows what it's gonna be about and beats him to it, sparing him the difficulty of finding the right words.

"I had to say something." She says, softly. "He's been treating you like a criminal long enough. It was about time someone told him what he needed to hear."

Blake stares at her, sheepishly.

"What did you say exactly?" He asks.

She shrugs.

"Just that you didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated you and that he should be man enough to stick around and fix his mistakes, instead of taking the easy way out."

Blake's eyes widen. "You told him that?"

"Yes, and before you tell me I shouldn't have done that, I'm not gonna apologize for—"

"Gwen, I wasn't gonna say any of that." He cuts her off, shaking his head after letting out a breathy chuckle. "Damn, baby. Where did that come from?"

"What do you mean?"

He nuzzles her neck, planting a brief kiss there.

"I know you're not a very confrontational person. You didn't have to do that for me."

"Yes, I did." She whispers. "Because people have been way too harsh on you and I know you don't agree, and you feel like it's all deserved but that's just not true."

"I've hurt people."

"Yeah, you have." She agrees. "That doesn't make you a bad person though, that just makes you human. You've had your struggles but you're doing _everything_ you can to turn it around and you have. I mean look at what you've created here with me."

He smiles at her sweetly, his eyes becoming glossy.

She continues. "Everyone is judging you for your behaviour during the lowest time of your life, instead of celebrating you for being where you are right now. My dad didn't even show up at the hospital after I gave birth because he can't get behind us. Your stepdad has avoided you for years. I think for a while I stayed quiet because I felt like a hypocrite, because I felt the same way towards Todd once. But I realize now that it was time for me to take a page out of your book..."

His brow raises. ".... that page being?"

"Righting my wrongs." She whispers, pressing her lips against his cheek. "You're a much better person than most of us, Blake. Wrongdoings or not. You're one of the best things this world has to offer."

His exhale against her neck feels much like letting go. 

"I love you so much."

She closes her eyes, her hand reaching for his jaw. 

"I love you more."

She presses her lips against his, the kiss deep and slow, just like her love for him. 

* * *

Gwen has been staring at herself in the mirror for at least thirty minutes when she realizes time has gotten away from her.

Blake has taken Apollo to the park, their six-month-old already craving to be outdoors nearly as much as his daddy. It had been an ongoing joke between them; how much Apollo has taken after him already, making it literally impossible to imagine he could be anyone else’s.

Not only did she bring a life into this world, she watched Blake’s become that much more meaningful. She knows he still has days where he struggles, but it’s all just a tad easier to manage. Turns out, it’s easier to wish for your own life to remain beautiful when it directly affects the life you love the most.

Gwen had started to feel better, both physically and mentally. She wasn’t as tired all the time anymore and her body didn’t ache and protest with every single move. She had been in awe of how much she was able to go back to her previous form, her energy levels high enough to look after Apollo for a whole day without crashing later that same night.

Blake had started worrying about her less too, and they’d even gotten close to being intimate in _that_ way again.

It hard hurt her a little when he pulled away both times, not taking it further than making out with her on the couch or in their bed, pulling her on top of him only to gently lower her back down again.

She knows it’s not all the same yet; her hips still look just a little bit wider than they used to be and her stomach is less defined than it was when she first met him. She’s not yet ready for extensive workouts or crazy diets, so she needs to be patient. She finds it exceptionally harder to do when Blake seems so adamant about taking things impossibly slower.

The key in the front door sounds loud in the otherwise silent home, her feet ushering her down the hallway as she waits for Blake and Apollo to appear.

When they do, Apollo immediately notices her, his smile as he lays eyes on her enough to make her forget about everything else momentarily.

“Looks like someone missed you.” Blake says sweetly, walking over to her to peck her softly on the lips before gently handing Apollo over.

“Hey baby boy.” Gwen coos, giggling when his tiny hands reach for her cheek. “Did you have fun with daddy in the park?”

“I swear our kid will become a pigeon whisper.” Blake laughs, shaking his head while hanging his coat. “I had to swat off at least four of those fuckers.”

“Language.” Gwen scolds him, scoffing at him playfully.

She takes Apollo into the living room, noticing Blake’s footsteps close behind.

“Sorry.” He laughs. “What did you do while we were gone?”

She shrugs. “Just ordered some things in my closet, decided on what to throw away, what to keep, that sort of thing.”

“You sure you want to throw out any clothes yet?” He counters, mindlessly, heading for the couch. “You might still fit in to them later.”

Though she knows, deep down, he didn’t mean anything by it, the words cause her to freeze abruptly.

She turns to face him, Apollo clinging to her neck.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She whispers, eyes filling. “God, Blake. You know how hard it is to literally give birth to a child and then wait for your body to return back to normal? If you were hoping I was just gonna magically snap back to the body you liked laying against when you first met me, you’re gonna have another thing coming. This is natural, Blake. I can’t control it.”

His eyes widen, his lips slightly parted at her outburst.

“Gwen, honey, my God…I never…” He struggles to find the words, looking at her desperately. “Sweetheart, I _love_ the way you look. I’m sorry if my words just now insinuated differently.”

“You know, _whatever_.” She quips suddenly, forcing a smile on her lips when Apollo babbles something at her, his small finger touching her nose and lips. “I’m gonna take him upstairs, nurse him. At least my body still has _some_ purpose…”

“Gwen.” He gasps, making a move to follow her, but she holds her hand up to stop him in his tracks.

“Alone.” She clarifies. “I’m gonna head upstairs, alone.”

* * *

She went to lay on the couch as Blake took Apollo to bed, the baby monitor pressed in her hand still as she drifted off to sleep.

She vaguely registers footsteps around the living room when she croaks her eyes open again, watching as Blake quietly tidies up the living room, a blanket draped over her body.

She must’ve been out for a while longer if he thought to do that.

Her body slowly gets up into a sitting position, catching Blake’s attention. His gaze lingers on her for a moment, before he lets go of the noisy toy he’s holding.

When he approaches her, she gently closes her eyes, as she knows what’s coming.

“You fell asleep.” He says, pointing out the obvious as he lowers himself onto his knees in front of the couch, his hand brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Sorry.” She murmurs, subconsciously leaning into his touch, making him smile. “I didn’t know I was that tired.”

“He went to sleep without a problem so far.” Blake informs her, his head nodding towards the stairs.

She smiles faintly. “Let’s hope he sleeps through the night this time.”

“He probably won’t.”

“No, he probably will not.”

It’s quiet for a few seconds, before Blake clears his throat.

“Sweetheart, about earlier…”

“Let’s just forget about it.” She says quickly, not excited about discussing her raging insecurities with Blake this time.

“Baby, I hurt your feelings and that’s the last thing I ever want to do.”

She rubs an apologetic hand through her hair, shaking her head.

“I wasn’t throwing out clothes that were too small for me right now.” She sighs, wincing. “I was throwing out items I didn’t like anymore.”

Blake nods. “I realized that after your reaction.”

“Why would you think I was—” She cuts herself off, unable to speak the words circling her brain.

“Baby, you know I don’t care what you wear.” He says, replying to her unspoken question. “You always look breathtaking to me. I only figured you were throwing out those clothes because the last time we were talking about organising your closet, that’s all you could talk about. How scared you were that you’d never fit into your old clothes again, and…. _fuck_.” He rubs a hand over his mouth, sighing. “God, I’m so stupid.”

Gwen closes her eyes. “I know you must have expectations and I don’t blame you for that.”

“What are you talking about?” He retorts. “Gwen, you gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. What other expectations of you could I possibly have?”

She opens her eyes, her bashful ones staring into his confused ones.

“Why haven’t you had sex with me yet?”

The blunt question leaves him flustered, his hand finding her knee below the blanket and squeezing.

“Honey, is that what this has all been about?”

“No, not all of it, Blake.” She rushes out quickly, feeling the embarrassment creep up on her again. “But I’m already insecure about looking different and it doesn’t help that each time we’ve made out since giving birth, you’ve pushed me away before we could actually have sex.”

“You had a difficult pregnancy, a difficult _labor_ …”

“The doctor said we only had to wait eight weeks.”

“Gwen, it’s not about what the doctor said to me.” He replies, sliding his hand up until it’s resting on her shoulder. “It’s about how _you_ feel. You’ve been tired and in pain for so long, I don’t want to push you and accidentally hurt you. I would hate myself.”

“I’ve been ready for weeks now, Blake. It hurts me when you pull away.”

She feels the tears collect in her eyes again, her head lifting to the ceiling to try and keep them from spilling.

“Hey, look at me.” He softly orders her, waiting patiently for her to obey.

When she does, he cups her cheek and leans forward to place a slow kiss on her lips. He pulls away with a soft pop, lingering in her personal space.

“If you’re up for it, I would love to have sex with you.” He kisses her again, making sure to catch her eyes when he speaks again. “But I need you to know that my hesitance these last few months had _nothing_ to do with how you look. My God Gwen, you’re a vision of perfection to me no matter what you do, or what you wear. I love your body; I loved it then and I love it now. And I will love it for all the years to come. There’s nothing you can do that would make me change my mind about that.”

“My stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be.” She whispers, afraid to hold his gaze.

“So what?”

She shakes her head. “You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“Again I ask you, so what?”

Her eyes widen, the meaning slamming into her hard. “ _Blake_.”

“Come here.”

He gets up off his knees, holding his hand out for her.

She lets him pull her into a standing position, feeling the familiar flutter in her chest at the way he towers over her like this.

He slowly unbuttons his shirt until it pools loosely at his sides, sliding it off him completely and disregarding it onto the couch cushion behind her.

“What are you doing?” She asks lowly, her eyes unable to tear themselves away from his exposed chest.

“I’m showing you what’s yours.” He says, his voice sounding like gravel in a coffee grinder. He moves towards her slowly, both hands tugging at the shirt she’s wearing and pulling it over her head. He tosses the fabric blindly behind him, his fingers immediately touching the lace fabric of her bra.

She sucks in a sudden breath, his hands on her body taking her breath away and his eyes on her body making her want to appear thinner instantly.

He cups her face between his hands then, her doe eyes meeting his.

“I’m not even gonna tell you to let that breath go right now, because I know you’d do it again a few moments later. But I love you, Gwen. All of you.”

She blinks once, and as if on command, she exhales.

He smiles at her briefly before pulling the leather strip of his belt through the loop of his jeans, peeling her hand away from her side and bringing it to cup him over his groin.

“You don’t even have to try, Gwen.” He tells her, knowing she can feel his hardening erection grow beneath her palm.

“Bedroom.” She croaks out with difficulty, wanting their first time after giving birth to be in a bed.

He nods, walking her upstairs and into their bedroom, being extra quiet to not wake the baby who sleeps only one door over from them.

He’s got her pinned against the wall quickly, suddenly turning the pace up a few notches. He shimmies out of his pants completely, grinning as he watches her stare at him for a few moments.

She fumbles with her own bra, not usually this rusty, but she’s nervous and excited and she can barely breathe.

She’s grateful when Blake skilfully snaps her bra off, watching it fall to the floor gracefully. When he gets her pants off and she’s in nothing but her panties before him, she suddenly trembles in his arms again.

“Don’t.” He whispers, picking her up and laying her down on the mattress. He looms over her, slowly running his fingertips over every inch of her skin, kissing every caress and lingering longer at the places that get an obvious physical reaction from her; whether that’s from sensitivity or insecurity.

“I love you.” She whispers quietly, not remembering the last time she felt this cherished, this taken care of.

“Say it again.” He pleas, and she closes her eyes as she feels him moving and shifting, taking aim at her. His hands scoop behind her knees, her thighs subconsciously wrapping around him.

“I love you.” She says, just as softly as before.

He kisses her again as he slowly pushes into her, covering his mouth with hers as she lets out a shrill cry. He moves painfully slow, and she realizes the glide is just a tad more restricted than normal.

“You okay?” He whispers, using his finger to trace the outline of her lips. She nods, unable to breathe. His hard length inside of her makes her gasp, a sudden wetness increasing down there as he stills for moment and lets her adjust.

“Fuck.” She moans, scraping her nails down his back. “Oh God.”

His hands move from her face to her hips, guiding himself inside of her softly but deeply. At a particularly sensitive thrust, his hand winds into her hair.

“God, I love you.” He says between gritted teeth, moving down to capture her in a dirty kiss that lasts for minutes.

Her body lifts off the bed as she comes, their eyes open as they stare at each other. Matching grunts and moans meet between their parted lips as he kisses her once more before he spills hotly inside of her.


	34. The End, The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what to say. This fic has been my baby. Thank you guys for the overwhelming response. I can't say for a fact that this is goodbye forever, but it is goodbye for now.

* * *

_5 Years later_

It's an ungodly hour in the night and she should be sleeping, especially after the tiring day they've had. A small smile creeps on her face as she realizes it's only a few hours until Blake will get out of bed to fix her a cup of coffee, grinning down at her when she starts to slowly wake up. He never disappoints, even though she tells him every day that he doesn't _have_ to do it. 

But as much as she can't wait to wake up to that sight, she can't find sleep. Not even with the running after Apollo she's done all day, or the orgasms Blake coaxed out of her after they finally made it to bed. She can't stop staring at him either, laying on her side and watching Blake sleep peacefully. 

If he were able to see her right now, he'd probably make a playful quip about how much of a creeper she was being. He's lying on his back, curls matted against the pillow as his hand somehow found her leg under the covers. Even asleep, he never lets her get too far. 

She smiles softly at the realization and traces a finger down the slope of his nose. His face subconsciously leans into her touch, rolling to the left on his pillow when he tries to follow her hand. 

She wonders if he's aware of how far she'd follow him.

Where she used to think addictions were meant to be kicked, she now thinks they might have been created to _manage_.

She would do anything for Blake, anything to keep feeling his love cover her, and she's never tempted to abstain from it, from him. 

Blake's trained to not let addictions take over his life anymore, but it feels good to be his exception. She and Apollo have taken over his life, but they never _derail_ him. They don't make him give up everything else in his life, they don't set out to kill him, they will never fill him up just to leave him empty in the end.

She thinks that might be the difference; addiction isn't all bad. Having an overflow of someone isn't always a reason to run. It's all about choices, about what you decide to let into your life, into your system. You can't have a garden without watering your plants, you can't beg God for an overflow of love without extensive prayer. You can't grow what you don't feed. She'll gladly feed her addiction to Blake. He'll gladly feed _his_ to her and Apollo. And neither one of them ever set out to find novocaine again. 

Unable to help herself then, she moves forward and presses a gentle kiss on his lips. The effort is futile because he flutters his lids open and stares up at her, drowsily. 

"Gwen?"

He smiles, his voice a sleepy murmur from lack of use.

"Sorry." She whispers, kissing him again. "Go back to sleep."

He chuckles lowly. "While you keep kissing me?"

She cups his cheek with her hand, enjoying the stubble that prickles at her palm.

"I'll stop soon."

He groans, taking a bit more effort to tug her on top of him. She understands that he's barely awake and she might be asking a lot of him, but it takes her absolutely zero effort to straddle his hips and capture his lips in another kiss. Deeper this time. 

When he opens his eyes to gaze at her again, she can tell he notices exactly what's on her mind. More than that, he thinks it too.

"Love me." She whispers against his lips, her hands splayed across his shoulders. "I wanna drown in it, right now. Can you do that?"

He nips at her lower lip in soft affirmation. He doesn't need to use his words, she knows, she always knows.

He moves her onto her back, sleep seemingly having left his body, desire and love the only things that wash over him now. He uses his large and calloused hands to push her thighs apart, his finger swiping at her center to make sure she's ready for him. 

He makes a small thrusting motion, and it's enough to drive all the way inside her. He draws the breath out of her so rhythmically, it reminds Gwen of music.

Another addiction, but never a vice.

Her leg curls around his hips as she hopes to draw him even closer. He starts moving a bit faster, the bed creaking with their efforts. She can't help already being close; spending the last few hours thinking about him and the love they share, Blake's passionate movements now coaxing her to the edge in record time.

She feels euphoria wrap around her limbs, causing them to go limp. It spreads through her body quickly and relentlessly. She's helpless to give into the fire he starts within her. 

"God, yes, Blake." 

For him she'll curse the God she praises every Sunday, she'll helplessly moan his name as if love isn't the scariest thing in the world to her. 

She lets out a yell when she comes and Blake's quick to cover her mouth with his hand, avoiding them from waking Apollo up. He lowers his face to the crook of her neck, whispering her name and groaning quietly when he let's go. 

He drops his hand from her mouth, but his fingers still linger against her cheek.  
  
She smiles. “We still have a few more hours before Pollo wakes up.”

Blake groans, flopping back onto his pillow, his expression a completely blissed out one. Gwen can’t help but feel prideful at that.

Blake’s a powerful man, but it feels even more powerful to know it’s only _her_ who can render him this spent, this delicate, this shaky.

“You might have to lay some more of those lazy kisses on me.” Blake drawls, raspy.

His gentle demand, if you can even call it that, reminds her that the power is completely mutual.

She’s putty in his hands, every single time.

* * *

She can’t help but pull her phone out of her pocket and snap a ridiculous number of pictures of the two of them, so incredibly oblivious and unaware of her prying eyes. Blake is laying on his back on their carpet, the excited toddler moving around his toy cars, occasionally using Blake’s stomach for a bridge and giggling when his father suddenly moves, nearly causing the plastic vehicles to crash.

“Daddy, move!” Apollo instructs, voice high.

“I just did, bud. Didn’t you just see me move?” Blake shifts his body a bit more to the left, using more vivid movements to get a reaction from the boy. “You’re just holding on too tight, you’re too strong for me.”

Apollo giggles again. “Car on stomach daddy, wanna play crash.”

“We’ve been playing crash for hours.” Blake whines, and it takes everything in her not to start laughing from where she’s standing. “You sure you don’t want to start playing something else? Daddy’s stomach is sore from all the driving around on there.”

“Crash!”

Gwen winces vicariously for him when Apollo drops two toys onto him, both hitting Blake’s chest before they fall to the ground.

Blake groans. “Okay, _come_ ‘ _ere_.”

She watches as he swiftly scoops Apollo off his feet, pulling himself up into a sitting position and tugging the toddler onto his lap. Apollo tries to squirm free, but Blake’s hold is much too strong for the five-year-old. He starts giggling, babbling to try and get out of his hold, but Blake just smiles and starts threatening him with kisses.

Apollo let’s out a half-suppressed laugh, his little hands pushing against Blake’s shoulders.

“I don’t think so.” Blake chuckles, shaking his head. “You wanted a fight? Buckle up, buddy.”

“Daddy, daddy, wait.” Apollo snickers, pulling his arm loose and holding it up for Blake to see. He curves his arm into a ninety-degree angle, motioning towards his bicep. “I’m strong like you.”

Blake squints his eyes, playfully squeezing at Apollo’s arm.

He hums. “I’m not so sure…”

The toddler starts pushing against his chest again, this time to show him his strength apparently, never once able to stop laughing throughout it all.

Gwen thinks she might be addicted to the sound.

“Strong.” Apollo repeats, getting overly excited to the point where she can see Blake’s hold on him tightening just a tad.

_“I’ll show you strong…”_

Laughter increases when Blake rolls Apollo on his back, his fingers tickling at his stomach. Gwen continues to watch on, until her son gets hold of a toy car next to his tiny body and throws it across the room for dramatic effect. She should’ve known the excitement would soon become too much and cause him to get rowdy, but she’s much like Blake in that department; she can’t stop watching her child be so overjoyed.

“What’s happening here?” Gwen asks, walking into the living room, pretending to be shocked. “Are we trying to wake the whole neighbourhood up?”

Blake catches her gaze, gradually trying to calm Apollo down until he’s merely giggling on the floor, trying to catch Blake’s wrist in his hand.

“I think that might’ve been my fault. Wasn’t it, bud?” Blake coos sweetly, biting his lip at her as she continues to stare at them.

“Daddy’s fault.” Apollo agrees, finally lifting himself off the ground, needing a few seconds to fully stabilize himself before he comes walking towards her. “Mommy, pancakes?”

Gwen snorts. “You had pancakes this morning, baby. How about you help me cut up some fruit in the kitchen?”

The prospect of being able to help, even if it’s just sitting on the counter, watching his mother make something while he holds up the bowl, is enough to get him excited again.

“ _Yes_.” He replies, electrified, his tiny hand immediately seeking out hers.

Gwen still nearly combust every time she feels his tiny fingers wrap around hers.

“I can’t believe it.” Blake sighs dramatically, thought the smirk on his lip betrays him. “I’ve been replaced just like that.”

“Get used to it, _daddy_.” She winks, chuckling when she watches Blake stifle a yawn. “Mommy always wins.”

Gwen’s already walking away when his rebuttal comes.

“I’m the one who gets plastic toys thrown at him and somehow _you_ win.” He scoffs. “Seems like a rigged game, if ya ask me.”

Gwen turns around once as she lets Apollo enter the kitchen before her, sticking her tongue out at Blake, who’s still seated on the carpet where they’d left him.

“Good thing I wasn’t asking.”

The smirk her words earn her is enough to cause butterflies to erupt in her stomach. Everyone who didn’t believe in the metaphor to be true just hadn’t been fortunate enough to feel this, she’s sure of it. The happiness that soaks into her bones makes her savour the moment, feeling it pass through her body as it washes away every wound from before. It’s a blissful repercussion of her life here with Blake and Apollo.

There’s so much love to be had and shared here, when she walks into their house now, she can barely remember what she was ever running from.

“Fruit, mommy.” Comes Apollo’s soft yet steady voice from the kitchen, reminding her of what she actually set out to do.

She turns on her heel to face him.

“Let’s get the bowls out.” She says softly, grabbing three plastic ones from the shelf above the sink. She uses her arms to lift Apollo onto the counter, giving him a full view of her preparations.

“Really important question…” She prefaces, holding up two types of fruit. “Which one do we give to daddy; apple or banana?”

* * *

Blake has been clean for seven years now, a full sobriety for six.

He stopped going to therapy a few months after Apollo had been born, which was quite scary for her to submit to. With the promise of going back if he felt himself slipping again and the guarantee he’d continue to meet with his sponsor every other week, she’d been able to let it go.

It’s only sometimes that she finds him tossing and turning, lying in a cold sweat, but when it happens, she knows he’s unable to fight off the nightmares that trick him into thinking he’s relapsed. The vivid image of Gwen with a suitcase and Apollo’s tiny hand unknowingly holding on to hers as she walks him out of the house, haunt him some nights.

It had hurt her heart immensely when he told her. Not because she was offended he subconsciously could see her leave him, but because the image is such a painful one for her to imagine, her heart breaks knowing that he watches it happen about once month in his sleep.

He calls it the price he pays for his past life, but she calls it an unfair repercussion of his admirable sobriety.

Tonight seems to be one of those nights.

She recognizes the subtle clench of his fist on the sheet, the infinitesimal flinch that occurs when he sees something particularly painful, his chest heaving with the weight of taking a breath.

She can tell his heart is racing, so she rolls her body towards him, warm and mostly bare and drapes her arm soothingly over his side. She moves slowly, until she can thread her fingers though his and bring his shaking hand to her chest. She’s done this before and she was proud to figure out it worked; he likes being able to feel both the subtle curve of her breast and the prominent heartbeat that thumps beneath.

Her heartbeat knocks steadily against his palm as she whispers gentle reminders to him to coax him back to the land of the living, the land of reality; the one where she and Apollo are always waiting for him to come home.

His breath stutters with words that will remain unspoken, an inaudible rumble in his throat. She watches as he struggles against the fear that continues to distract him. Sometimes the firm press of his palm against her heart is enough to ground him, but some nights he needs more. Tonight, he appears to need _more_.

She pushes herself even closer to him, her semi-naked body, aside from the impossibly skimpy sleeping shorts she wears, presses firmly against his naked chest. Her legs intertwine with his own, the slight burn of his short leg hairs against her smooth ones, oddly satisfying. She wraps her fingers around his shoulder blade, applying pressure to work some of the tension out of there.

As she continues her ministrations, she keeps her eyes focused on his face and feels immediately relieved at the weary blink that greets her. He’s starting to stir awake and she knows he’s turning his attention to the present, orienting himself to her touch.

She doesn’t ease up on the massage at the first sign of responsiveness, and her practiced hand offers him the care she knows he’d never ask for, but desperately needs.

She lets her free hand slide to his chest, letting herself get lost in _his_ calming heartbeat now.

“ _Gwen_.”

“Hmmm, baby, right here.” She murmurs, encouraging him to keep his eyes open. “You’re okay, we’re all okay. We love you so much.”

She makes sure to use ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, and she can tell the relaxation that starts to spread through his body, his jaw letting go of its tension and his arm sneaking around her back to pull her closer.

“Sorry for waking ya.” He murmurs, nuzzling his head into the crook of her neck, breathing her in.

She closes her eyes, her palm lying flat on his shoulder while her other one is still trapped between their bodies, following his heartbeat.

“Try to go to sleep again.” She instructs him softly, making sure to press down firmer on him, making it clear that her request doesn’t mean she wants him to move away.

He settles completely against her, their legs tangled and his head resting on her shoulder. It’s not the most comfortable position for her, but there’s nowhere else she’d rather be.

* * *

“Can’t you just stay here?” He whines, knowing the answer already, but trying her anyway.

She giggles when he starts nibbling at her neck, pressing her against the wall in the hallway, his body completely blocking her exit.

“Cowboy, you need to step back….” She laughs, yet she’s helpless to tip her head back slightly, allowing him more access to plant his kisses.

“Don’t wanna.” Comes his only rebuttal.

She quips a brow at him. “Are you gonna call them and explain to them why I came in late, then?”

He leans both hands on either side of her head, palms flat against the wall. He stares down at her with a naughty grin.

“Are you sure you want me to tell them I was giving it to you so damn good it made you lose complete track of time?”

She snorts, pushing her hand against his chest.

“No, because that would be a lie…. you’re not giving _it_ to me. You’re humping me against a wall and tickling me with your beard.”

“Up until just now, I didn’t hear you complaining.”

She smiles, her hand sliding from his chest up to the side of his face.

“Is Apollo still playing with his cars?”

Blake makes a singular move to pop his head around the corner, peeking into the living room. When he looks back at her, she can see the answer in his grin before he speaks.

“Totally accounted for.”

“Good.” She smiles. “I’m gonna miss you guys. Make sure to tell him I’m reading him his bedtime story tomorrow.”

He nods, pulling her into his chest.

“You’re a good mom, baby.”

She bites her lip at the soft words, touched by the fact that he even knew she needed those in this moment.

Blake has been clear about what he wanted from the moment Apollo was born; he would write some songs on his own schedule, maybe release them someday, but he was done turning in albums and performing. He just wanted to be a dad, spend time with Apollo and be there when _she_ came home.

Gwen on the other hand, continued her job while trying her hardest to be home enough. She’d found a balance that worked; her family was her number one priority, shows and music always come second. It’s how she envisioned it would be and it’s working perfectly.

Things had become a little harder when she’d invested in her non-profit, co-founded by Jen. She had put a lot of money and effort into finding the best healthcare workers and treatment facilities to work with, determined to help reverse the addiction crisis in the United States.

She’s fully aware that one of the reasons Blake was able to get the right help, was because of his status and accessibility to certain resources. She’s also aware that most people _don’t_. She spent a good portion of her life judging Todd and the people who were like him. She’d make sure to spent the rest of her life doing whatever she could to use her privilege to help and support them.

As they’re developing ways to create a platform that helps identify the right type of treatment and simultaneously locate the right facility closest by, there are a lot of meetings to attend to whenever she’s not mothering Apollo or entertaining a crowd.

Tonight being no exception.

“I love you so much, you know that?”

She whispers the question against his cheek, brushing her lips against his jaw.

“I do know that.” He responds, rubbing her back. “Here’s what I’m gonna offer to you and don’t get fooled by me prefacing it as an _offer_ ; you fully have _no_ choice.”

Gwen laughs, pulling back slightly to look up at him with a curious expression.

“Do tell me of this thing I’m being forced to accept.” She teases.

“You’re going to go out there to be the amazing woman that you are, and I’m gonna be here with Apollo just thinking of how fucking awesome his mom is…” He starts, grinning when he catches her large smile. “I know you’ll be home around ten, ten thirty, cause that’s always the case. When you get here, I’m running you a hot bath, maybe I’ll be persuaded into getting you a glass of wine while you’re in there and I’m gonna make sure you wake up tomorrow, with no recollection of this brutal and busy week you’ve had. Now, you can’t say _no_ , but you _can_ tell me if it sounds good.”

It’s hard to even remember her life before Blake, but she knows in the depths of her heart that it hasn’t always been like this, she hasn’t always been this cared for. Her eyes well up on their own accord, her hands running up his chest as if she can’t quite believe this man is real.

“It sounds…. _amazing_.” She sniffs, shaking her head.

“Daddy, come play please.”

Both their heads turn to the left, just in time to watch Apollo come barrelling into the hallway, toys still in hand.

Blake is quick to sweep him up into his arms, resting him on his hip.

“In a second. First, say goodbye to mom.”

Gwen smiles as Apollo stretches his arms out for her and winds them around the back of her neck, pressing his lips into her cheek.

“Bye, mommy.”

“Bye, sweet boy.” She whispers, her hand softly petting his hair. “Are you gonna be a good boy and listen to daddy tonight? Only _one_ bedtime story…”

“Two?” Apollo immediately reiterates and she hears Blake’s chuckle as he gently pulls him back into his arms, shifting him against his side.

“Sweetheart, you need sleep—“ Gwen starts to say, but Blake cuts her off with a gentle smile.

“Don’t worry about it, momma bear. We’ll figure it out. Just the two of us, isn’t that right bud?”

Apollo giggles and nods at him, causing Gwen to shake her head in quiet laughter. She always knew Blake’s charms were irresistible, but she didn’t foresee how quickly her own child would declare him the favorite.

When she looks at Blake’s soft gaze and the stars in his eyes that she knows Apollo put there, she can’t be anything but grateful for it either.

“I’m gonna head out.” She announces, shifting her purse on her shoulder and quickly pecking both boys on the cheek. “Sleep tight, baby. And I’ll see you later?” She asks with a shy bite of her lip, her gaze holding Blake’s.

He nods confidently.

“Go safe the world, baby girl. I’ll be waiting for you at home.”

Numbness is no longer a torment either one of them seek. The only relief she expects, the only relief she’ll _chase_ , is the one she finds when she comes home to him.

And watching him open that door, time and time again, might be the most powerful drug either one of them has ever known.


End file.
